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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is the end

62 replies

Bagoshite · 02/05/2022 16:02

I've can't really see how we can roll back from this. Sad but tbh more disappointed than anything.

We've been together nearly a decade, don't live together but obviously after that amount of time we have fairly joint lives.

3 years ago we split up. He'd been having an affair but said it was just sex and meant nothing. She was absolutely vile to me when he ended it with her (it was her that told me but she was awful about it - i get she owed me nothing but even so). Anyway some months later we got back together. He said he'd blocked her on everything and if he never spoke to her again it would be too soon. He'd met her on a sex site, she bragged to me about shagging 100s of men etc - I think she meant it to demonstrate to me how attractive she was, but anyway...

Back to the present...there's been tension in our relationship recently and the physical side has been absent. He instigated a discussion about that, into which he threw a curveball of she messaged him saying XYZ. He initially said she sent him messages but he doesn't reply....then that it was ok because he has no one to talk to about our relationship issues! Oh and it was fine because she has a boyfriend.

I'm so disappointed in him. So much for me being his life partner, him valuing our relationship....just words. What an absolute joke.

OP posts:

rahjama · 02/05/2022 16:04

Oh you poor thing. I am so sorry.

You are right it has to be over, he cheated on you once with her so there is physical history and even now if they aren't engaging in anything sexual then he could be cheating emotionally.

There is no place for him to discuss such intimate details about his relationship with you with the person who helped end it the first time. Literally anyone but her.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 02/05/2022 16:08

Oh I’m so sorry. What an absolute bell-end. And to imply that it’s somehow something to do with you and your relationship... repulsive behaviour.
Better is out there.

Original poster

Bagoshite · 02/05/2022 16:10

This is what I said...talk to his work colleagues, start a Reddit thread...anything but speaking to her.

I think I knew for a while something was off. Its partly why I'd not broached discussion of our current issues, because I had a feeling something wasn't quite right.

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 02/05/2022 16:14

Sorry, but after his behaviour, it is the end💐

KatherineJaneway · 02/05/2022 16:14

Or would be for me

Longdistance · 02/05/2022 16:20

How insulting and disrespectful to share such personal information with the OW. That’s a complete slap in the face. I’d be more than disappointed, I’d be furious.

Original poster

Bagoshite · 02/05/2022 16:23

I can't see a way back. He didn't even seem to realise it was wrong. I can't control who he speaks to is his response...

He also asked today if he could go out and have sex with 'a random' as we don't have sex any more - he never initiates it, and I haven't for a few months. I said no obviously. But again why would he even need to ask?

It's my big birthday in the summer. I was going to treat us both to a break abroad, as he is not well off. Glad I didn't bother now.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/05/2022 16:32

He also asked today if he could go out and have sex with 'a random'

END OF.

Kick this absolute tosser to the kerb. Now. Today.

Tomorrow, make an appointment to get tested for a STI and talk to a solicitor.

Lock the door tonight and tell him to find somewhere else to sleep.

Original poster

Bagoshite · 02/05/2022 16:54

We don't live together, I was at his so I've walked out, currently doing the 5 hour (thanks bank holiday engineering works!) journey home.

I don't know why he behaves like this. He has no respect for me. He text me just now to say he was talking to her because he couldn't speak to me.
He doesn't get it. He shouldn't have been talking to her at all. Ever. About anything.

Him feeling he can't talk to me is a different issue. But involving that poisonous cow was never going to help anything, her agenda was always to split us up! She's hardly going to give an unbiased POV. Honestly the stupidity!

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MayBeee · 02/05/2022 16:57

Keep driving and knock visiting his home town off places you go to. Block his number and forget him.

Original poster

Bagoshite · 02/05/2022 17:26

His latest response is 'ok its all my fault as always, you win'

Does not get it, at all.

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DaisyStPatience · 02/05/2022 17:30

Was it Fab? That site is so grim. Literally the dregs of society. If he was on there get rid of him, they get hooked and it won't be the last time.

sonjadog · 02/05/2022 17:34

He has thrown away his relationship. I understand that it is very painful now but you are well rid.

Mintchocicechip · 02/05/2022 18:00

Ive just split up with a liar. Messaging his ex more affectionately than he did me. It hurts like hell. But no decent guy would do or say what he has to you. He's hurting you on purpose. Mine didn't fight for me all. He just blocked me everywhere like it's me who's a baddy. I only wanted to talk to him without anger.

My advice is to end it if you are ready to. Then lean on people for support. I'm starting therapy as mine was domestically abusing me. There's some awful men in this world.

Original poster

Bagoshite · 02/05/2022 18:20

I'm not upset. I think tbh I cried so much the first time round this isn't as bad. It might hit me later. I don't really have friends I can talk to about this. He was my best friend, which just shows he was a shitty friend as much as a shitty partner.

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Original poster

Bagoshite · 02/05/2022 19:29

Of course now I'm wondering if he's just been messaging her, or others, or has been having sex with them too. The request to go off and shag randoms seemed a bit like he was looking for retrospective permission. And there's been something off for months. Just like there was when he was shagging her before.

We're done now. Fool me once etc. I gave him a second chance, and he's fucked it up again. This is on him not me.

Part of me thought he'd ask for forgiveness. He's not done that, he's not even sorry.

Unbelievable. Or it would be if I hadn't seen it all before.

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blueagain · 02/05/2022 19:42

You can do better than this cheating liar. He’s been at it with her again I bet. Don’t stand for it. Firm boundary now. It will hurt but this time next year you’ll have forgotten him.

hattie43 · 02/05/2022 19:50

What a hurtful man , he seems to be delighting in rubbing your nose in his deception .

I'm not one to jump on the get rid bandwagon but for this guy yes get rid .
His behaviour has no redeeming factors and you deserve better .

Original poster

Bagoshite · 02/05/2022 20:46

I'm not one to jump to a LTB either but in this case I rather feel it's justified.

He's in no way apologetic. He's sent me another couple of texts calling me oversensitive and ridiculous. Way to apologise!

If anything was going to harden my resolve that does. We have half joked in the past he's a sociopath but I rather suspect he is.

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Original poster

Bagoshite · 02/05/2022 23:42

Oversensitive...god I'm fuming about that comment still.

It's good though because the more crap he comes out with, the more determined I am that there's no going back.

I just can't get how someone who says they love me has zero respect for me. Well he can go and have a shitty life with his massive debts, and sex with randoms. How pathetic for a middle aged man.

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Sittingonabench · 03/05/2022 00:14

He is correct that you can’t control who he speaks to. But you deserve someone who considers the impact it will have on you and chooses to prioritise your feelings. Better yet who speaks to you. As for the other stuff - sleeping with random people… it shows utter contempt and selfishness. Definitely an end game. Sorry though - it’s crap

MsDogLady · 03/05/2022 02:38

Oversensitive and Ridiculous?? How preposterous he is for shifting the blame to you after his latest betrayal, @Bagoshite.

He had an affair with OW and then she abused you. I’m sure that a condition of your reconciliation was total No Contact, just as relationship counselors advise. He has now broken your agreement and brought OW back into your relationship.

This entitled, contemptuous man will never be a safe partner.

Original poster

Bagoshite · 03/05/2022 07:17

It is ridiculous. I can't even be bothered to point out how stupid he's being.

When I shared with him some of the messages she sent me at the time he said he would never contact her again, he felt she'd behaved appallingly. I would have asked him not to contact her anyway, but actually he offered. How quickly he's forgotten all that.

He loves to play the poor me card. To him it's poor me I have no friends, I need someone to talk to. So it's all justified.

It's pathetic. And the more I think about it the more certain I am I want nothing more to do with him.

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SortingItOut · 03/05/2022 07:44

You need to build yourself a life so you don't rely on a partner to be your best friend and partner.

Men should enhance your life and not be your life.

It sounds like you made him the centre of your life and he just about tolerated you as long as he could keep on having sex with others.
Raise your bar, you deserve more.

Original poster

Bagoshite · 03/05/2022 07:59

I've never had reliable friends. Mine are very much the fairweather type...around when they need me, but elusive if I need help. I do have other sort of friends, but they are very popular people (the sort who have loads of friends everywhere) and I never made it into their inner circle of closest friends because they already have plenty. I did have 2 very very good friends, but one died. The other moved 300 miles away and whilst we're still in contact we're not as close.

My partner became my best friend by default. Whilst I have kind of casual friends for want of a better term, he has none. I was far more the centre of his life than he was mine, which makes his behaviour all the more disappointing.

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