This is the end

[Bagoshite]

I've can't really see how we can roll back from this. Sad but tbh more disappointed than anything.

We've been together nearly a decade, don't live together but obviously after that amount of time we have fairly joint lives.

3 years ago we split up. He'd been having an affair but said it was just sex and meant nothing. She was absolutely vile to me when he ended it with her (it was her that told me but she was awful about it - i get she owed me nothing but even so). Anyway some months later we got back together. He said he'd blocked her on everything and if he never spoke to her again it would be too soon. He'd met her on a sex site, she bragged to me about shagging 100s of men etc - I think she meant it to demonstrate to me how attractive she was, but anyway...

Back to the present...there's been tension in our relationship recently and the physical side has been absent. He instigated a discussion about that, into which he threw a curveball of she messaged him saying XYZ. He initially said she sent him messages but he doesn't reply....then that it was ok because he has no one to talk to about our relationship issues! Oh and it was fine because she has a boyfriend.

I'm so disappointed in him. So much for me being his life partner, him valuing our relationship....just words. What an absolute joke.

It's starting to hit me more now I think. Yesterday was adrenaline. I'm not upset and there's still no going back but I am feeling a bit sad.

It has reinforced how I don't really have anyone else in my life. I didn't before him, I remember being so sick of it, of having no support, no shoulder to cry on. As I said I don't have those kind of friendships. I don't have any family other than my children, and clearly I can't cry on them. One of the best things about being in a relationship was knowing I had someone on my side.

And he's thrown that away as if it meant nothing. He has even less people in his life than I do. But of course he has the ex OW's shoulder to cry on so he doesn't care.

I wouldn't have wanted our relationship to continue once I knew he'd been messaging her. I couldn't go through the next 30 years wondering if they were still in contact. But that said I'm hardly overjoyed about going through the next 30 years or however long I've got on my own either ☹

I think the problem is you've been lovely and vulnerable because of this.
It's time to put yourself first and re-build a new life without room for any toddlers like him.
Can you afford therapy? It's a good place to start.

I tried therapy a few years ago and really it wasn't for me. It felt like a huge waste of money and rather pointless. It didn't offer any answers or insights or anything. Just a lot of talking (me), occasionally interposed with the therapist saying 'why do you say/ do/ think that?'. I just didn't see what I was meant to get from it really? 🤷

I think the relationship was already over - the other woman (at this stage) was just a side issue. In his mind he clearly thinks the relationship is done, and resuming contact with her, suggesting an open relationship etc, are all just his way of pushing you away (maybe he just doesn't have the balls to end it himself).

But where exactly was this relationship ever headed anyway? 10 years together, but living 5 hours apart. Was there ever an end game of moving together? It sounds nothing more than a long term situationship. And since the physical element has dried up, there's barely anything else left.

That's the thing though, his view was we were together for life, I'd be holding his hand at the end. But he seemed to assume that because that was what HE wanted, what he thought, that he could do whatever he wanted and because the 'deal' was we stayed together, that I'd turn a blind eye/ not care. Which shows he really doesn't know me or has a bloody short memory. He has a history of risk taking behaviour, mostly before he knew me. I rather thought we'd moved on from that.

We actually live 3.5 hours apart by car, further by train, especially when there are engineering works as yesterday. He had to move for family/work reasons. Prior to that we lived about 15 mins apart. I didn't want to move another man into my children's home (they were tweens/teens when we met) so we never lived together before that. We spend about 50% of our time together currently, or did, at my house or his...in a couple of years when my children have left home the plan was always to sell this house and buy together in his area. In the meantime we'd discussed investing in a smaller property that he'd live in for now. Rather glad that never came to fruition as it would have made the break up much more complicated.

That makes more sense now you've explained the back ground a bit more. My partner lives 15 mins away, but I think if we moved hours the relationship wouldn't survive it.

Do you have any idea why the physical side of things stopped?

I don't know why he behaves like this

Perhaps because you've allowed him to, by getting back together when he'd already been vile?

You're obviously not in control of his behaviour, but you are of yours, and I'm not sure why you'd even try to look for a "way back" with this one

The physical side dropped off over the last few months, no specific issue, he never initiates or suggests really, never has, and I'd not felt up to it, I was ill at the start of the year, then I've been having some awful periods lasting weeks at a time (age related, my GP is no help), plus I've been feeling a bit meh about myself generally so put together we'd hit a temporary lull. Its happened before, and I expected it would sort itself out eventually. Obviously that was before I knew he'd been discussing it with her.

Just to be clear, I'm not looking for a way back. He feels no guilt sees nothing wrong in his actions. I told him he'd betrayed my trust and I could never have any trust in him again now, his response was thats your choice. Not one word of apology. I think most people would try to say sorry in this situation, because they'd realise how hurt the other person was. Not him.

So he's a broke ass cheater who's gone on seedy sites and met, and snagged a woman who's had sex with hundreds of men.

Lucky he didn't give you something nasty.

She told you, not him.

Now he's back in contact with her, treating her like a friend (except they're not) and discussing your relationship with her.
(And after saying he's cut all contact with her).

And youre over sensitive, hard-work etc fir having a problem with it.

If you move on with him in future, either you be subsidising this creature, this cheating, sex site crawler. Shagger of desperate, nasty women.

He's a creep.

You should never have gone back

You sound like you need to build up your life and socisl network, and or meet a better partner rather than clinging to this trash, because you're lonely/lack support.

He also sounds sociopathic.

Such difficulty grasping basics of fidelity, decency, empathy etc.

Have a feeling he'd get it if you were the one fucking men behind his back off sex sites, and now back chatting with them and discussing your relationship with them (after they'd crowded and provocated about shagging you to him, tried to humiliate him etc).

*crowed

And he's not even trying to hide the cheating any more. Hrs asking for an open relationship .. only open from his side of course.

I wonder would he even bother maintaining a relationship with you if he didn't see you as his long term meal ticket, carer etc

Yes I should never have given him a second chance. But I loved him, and I believed he was sorry and regretted it. I couldn't imagine my life without my best friend. I certainly never expected he would do it again.

Over the last few months, he's been different, more depressed, more 'whats the point' about anything I suggest. Has health issues he won't do anything about, ditto financial problems. I probably link that to him talking to her because she have been egging him on to find fault. She said (to me) that he and I were not a good match, that I was too boring, not as good as her in bed, blahblahblah -and if that's what she dared to say to my face, I'm sure she's said a lot worse behind my back.

I can't ever forgive him for contacting her again. The thought of a future on my own makes me sad, but at least I won't have to deal with any of this shit again.

He made out it was my fault. My fault there's nothing physical - because I don't initiate it and he won't. My fault we'd not discussed it, he 'raised' the subject in the end even though he didn't want to because I hadn't. He's had the same issue in every relationship he's ever had but fails to see he's the problem.

He's also got Madonna/ whore issues going on.

So I'm well rid.

You are a fool for not walking away when he cheated.

Well, yes.

Except I've always believed in giving people second chances. Mistakes happen. I know I've not always behaved brilliantly in relationships, I've got things wrong. I would have regretted not giving him a chance I think. But I won't be doing that again.

How did you end up agreeing to sell your home and buy one for you both (and while waiting buy him a little house) with a man who has lots of debt?

Seems absolutely crazy. Does he own the house he lives in?

I think he saw you coming, lovely lady who is financially independent with no friends - you were ripe to be taken advantage of.

The more you talk about him the worse he sounds,you need to work on your self esteem so you don't accept this type of thing again.

I know you find it hard to make friends but could you just start with getting some hobbies etc and building your own life up?

I'd always planned to relocate once my children were adults. I never particularly liked this area, I have few ties here, it was never where I planned to live forever. My children were settled here, and growing up it was close to their father, so we stayed. But even before I met my now Ex, I'd intended to move.

It may seem I'm making excuses for him, but he's really not motivated by money. He has no real assets, but could easily earn 2x what I do in a year or more - I have assets but lower earnings. I'd possibly not made this clear but we were always going to contribute relatively equally to a house, I'd put up a deposit of most or all of my share, and then he'd pay most or all of the mortgage. We've always split costs 50/50, and for all his faults the one thing I can say is he was definitely not using me for my money. That makes no difference to the current situation of course.

He made out it was my fault. My fault there's nothing physical - because I don't initiate it and he won't.

If the lack of sex was such an issue for him, then his only decent router was to talk about it and if that didn't resolve things, agree an open relationship (which the vast majority of ppl would not agree to) or end the relationship so he could find someone he could have a sex life he was happy with.

Not go behind your back and cheat on you.

Not go on sex sites and fk whatever desperado, nasty bitch (because that's how she's acted) on there would give him the time of day. And let's face it, she gave him the time of day because she gage hundreds of other men the time of day. It says nothing about his value in any way.

In fact, he could've infected you with stds, doing what he did; even if it was with someone who doesn't frequents sex sites and who hasn't had triple figure partners
.... but if sure as he'll made it more likely he could, with someone like that.

He didn't care would you ever even have known if she hadn't got your details and contacted you to crow, bully etc.

Except I've always believed in giving people second chances.

There are some things that are beyond second chances.

Trawling seedy sex sites and fucking promiscuous (and seemingly unstable) women behind your back, which which probably wouldn't even have known about had the woman not got in touch), whom you then get abused by... is probably one of them.

Hee just proven how flawed giving him a second chance was now.

She said (to me) that he and I were not a good match, that I was too boring, not as good as her in bed, blahblahblah

You also mentioned her boasting that she's had sex with hundreds of men, implying that this meant she is desirable or is good at sex.

She is, to anyone with a brain, someone who o delusional, weirdly naive, does not understand the basics of human, particularly human male behaviour .....
To me, though she may be nasty, that makes her quite vulnerable.

And anyone decent would see that is quote vulnerable, and not the full shilling upstairs ..... so anyone who shagged her, got involved, continued to get involved etc is not a nice or wise person.

That's separate from/on top of staying involved with her after cheating with her abd knowing she's verbally abused his partner.

It would seem you should let him/them continue to settle at their level, which is trash level

... not a level you should be settling at.

He has no real assets, but could easily earn 2x what I do in a year or more

So he has health problems you said he won't really address/deal with constructively, he earns below his potential, he has accumulated no assets- even just sensible ones like a property to live in, and he's a proven cheater ..... sounds like he has "issues", and would only drag you down. Not good relationship material.

For the sake of argument, youce also Bern living 3/3.5 hrs apart; how would you know for sure the cheating with the nasty ow has been a one off, she may just hsve been the only one "motivated" enough to find your details and contact you.

You're right to throw this one back OP. He either lied about blocking this woman, or unblocked and got in contact with her again. Either way he's been disrespectful to you.

There will be better times ahead for you. Just be careful not to get sweet talked into going back to him when he realises what he's lost and comes crawling back.

So despite being able to earn double what you earn he has debts and no deposit?
What does he actually earn as that is what matters?

You paying the deposit and him the mortgage doesn't seem fair to me.
Why is all your risk up front?
There is no guarantee he'd pay the mortgage for 15+ years.

At least you're out of it now.

You're right to throw this one back OP. He either lied about blocking this woman, or unblocked and got in contact with her again. Either way he's been disrespectful to you.

And that's the bottom line for me. It's immaterial whether he'd only spoken to her. He didn't need to do that. It's not like she's an old friend from way back, the only reason he knows her at all is because he went onto a sex site 3ish years ago to meet women for no strings sex. If he needed someone to talk to, he could discuss it anonymously online (much as I am doing on MN). He's a member of all kinds of online forums. He could've spoken to pretty much anyone else in the world, billions of people, except her.

Even if I could get over that (and I can't), even if he said, look I was pissed off and last week I unblocked and messaged her, here's the messages, nothing bad in them etc...EVEN IF he could or would say that, and tbh I don't think he would, I can't trust him again. I have had a few niggles for months now, things that could have an entirely innocent explanation, but then again might not. I had no reason not to opt for the innocent explanation at the time because for 3 years I thought we'd been honest with each other.

But living in uncertainty is no way to live your life, constantly waiting for something to happen.

And thats what I'll remind myself of every time I feel sad about the end of our relationship.

Earnings - he can earn 6 figures. Currently hes not, he does have some money (enough to clear his debts) but it's tied up in his business. So strictly speaking he does have that as an asset, but not an easily realisable one. Not that it matters now of course.