This is the end

[Bagoshite]

I've can't really see how we can roll back from this. Sad but tbh more disappointed than anything.

We've been together nearly a decade, don't live together but obviously after that amount of time we have fairly joint lives.

3 years ago we split up. He'd been having an affair but said it was just sex and meant nothing. She was absolutely vile to me when he ended it with her (it was her that told me but she was awful about it - i get she owed me nothing but even so). Anyway some months later we got back together. He said he'd blocked her on everything and if he never spoke to her again it would be too soon. He'd met her on a sex site, she bragged to me about shagging 100s of men etc - I think she meant it to demonstrate to me how attractive she was, but anyway...

Back to the present...there's been tension in our relationship recently and the physical side has been absent. He instigated a discussion about that, into which he threw a curveball of she messaged him saying XYZ. He initially said she sent him messages but he doesn't reply....then that it was ok because he has no one to talk to about our relationship issues! Oh and it was fine because she has a boyfriend.

I'm so disappointed in him. So much for me being his life partner, him valuing our relationship....just words. What an absolute joke.

I've realised the worst part of this will be telling my children, although they're adults they have more contact with my Ex than their own father (who they see 1-2 times a year at best). They've already asked when he'll be here next, as they have a couple of things they want his help with or to speak to him about.

Feeling really quite sad about it, the loss of what we'd built together, and our future. I was on my own for a long time before I met him, and he really was everything I wanted, the person I'd been waiting most of my adult life to meet. That was why I gave him a second chance, because it was too much to throw away. I didn't believe he'd risk all that we had a second time.

So, to go back to the beginning, he was on a sex site yet you were in a decade long relationship ? It would have ended right there for me.
I hope you’ve had an STI check and barred his contact.

Bottom line was, even before you found this out about him and ex (?) Ow; he was a cheat, he'd probably never have told you (he appears to have little conscience or empathy) he was just caught out, and hos excuse was bullshit. He could've discussed sex with you and if you couldn't find a medium both of you were happy with, went your separate ways.

He didn't because he wanted to have his cake and eat it. And because he lacks integrity.

I find it unlikely that she's the only one he had anything with while browsing sex sites, and any other sites he was on. Very handy having you 3.5 hrs away.

Incidentally when cheaters say they were lacking sex and wanted more, what they really means they wanted sex with other people, while not losing the benefits of theur relationship.

It's rarely actually rhe case that more sex with their long term partner would've satisfied them.

But it's a good line they think might get them off the hook, throwing responsibility back onto the betrayed party.

I've realised the worst part of this will be telling my children, although they're adults they have more contact with my Ex than their own father

What did they think of him having a relationship with a woman he met on a sex site behind your back, who then told you and started verbally abusing you?

Would they like him if they actually knew?

Earnings - he can earn 6 figures

You have to wonder of this status is part of why yourself and ow have been tolerating his shit, and trying to get him or keep him.

For her yes, she works in a minimum wage role and lives in social housing. I'm sure he seemed like a meal ticket.

For me, I earn £50kish, and own my house outright (worth £500kish). His earning potential made things more equal between us, but it certainly wasn't a significant factor in us staying together.

My children don't know about what happened 3 years ago. I didn't think it fair to burden them with it all, I won't do now either, I'll just say we've decided it's not working out. I know they'll take that explanation and not ask further questions, luckily.

You're very gracious in that regard.

That's not always a good thing though.

At the very least, you can ameliorate your sadness at telling your kids eith the knowledge of his true character and behaviour.

Also, when (presumably) divorced or separated men act like this in subsequent relationships, I always wonder what the (real) reasons they're earlier relationships broke down were ... their exes probably did the same "honourable", discrete thing you're planning on doing.

(Their)

I think that's the first time I've ever been called gracious. Thank you ☺️

Part of what hurt most about his previous infidelity was that he'd never been unfaithful to his (ex) wife. Despite never loving her. I think that was more that he didn't know where to look/ didn't have the confidence than that he didn't want to cheat.

Unfortunately, as I said to him 3 years ago, I created a monster. I have always been complimentary to people I love, and so was to him. I thought he was very handsome and told him so. Praised his good qualities. Encouraged him to take more care of his appearance (this was a departure from his previous relationships seemingly). And he realised seeing himself through my eyes that he was attractive. And seemingly that I wouldn't be the only woman who thought so.

It wasn't all one way - he complimented me too, often. Encouraged me to learn new skills, be more confident in certain aspects of my life. I am leaving this relationship more capable than I entered it (and I was pretty ok and independent even back then) so that's a positive.

Telling myself this is the end of a chapter in the story of my life. Not the end of the whole book.

Telling myself this is the end of a chapter in the story of my life. Not the end of the whole book.
Absolutely ⭐️you deserve better !