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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Major money dilemma with abusive terminally ill husband

56 replies

Earlgrey19 · 30/04/2022 23:40

months, we didn’t initiate divorce proceedings as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer out of the blue. We’ve never separated finances, and still operate from joint account. Kids age 4 and 7.

History of emotional abuse from him to me, and he is very controlling towards me, but I’ve tried to be amicable for everyone’s sake, especially since diagnosis. He is very angry that I didn’t get back together with him, when diagnosed, though.

He's had a very substantial pension lump sum payout into joint account. He’s told me he wants to put it into a trust fund for the kids for when they’re over 18. I will be able to apply to the trustees for certain things for the kids. But I earn very little in my profession (he earned over 4x as much), so to me it makes sense that there should be more provision while the kids grow up. I think we should have at least dividends or equivalent paid to us regularly, even if the capital remains untouched, so that the kids’ childhood is more comfortable.

And actually legally the money is also mine at this point. We’re still married with shared finances.

Ive tried to talk about it with him but he shut me down at once, and when I pointed that out he got very angry and I got a stream of angry messages from him, criticising me, all day. I’ve arranged a solicitor appointment and a financial advisor appointment for myself. He refuses to talk to me about this matter, but has said I may email him. My experience of him is that he will dismiss anything I write and keep asserting his plan.

What should I do? The account the money is in can have a measure put on it that blocks him from emptying more than half the account, but I fear he may then retaliate with something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 30/04/2022 23:41

Sorry post supposed to start saying “I’ve been separated from my husband for 14 months”

OP posts:
Musicalmaestro · 30/04/2022 23:50

I’d wait and see what your solicitor and FA have to say OP.
I don’t think your ex is going to ‘hear’ what you are saying at the moment.

HairyBum · 30/04/2022 23:51

How long does your H have left?

ChampagneCommunist · 30/04/2022 23:51

Has anything been formalised WRT separation or divorce? If not, leave him to sort the trust.

If he doesn't, you inherit. You can use as you see fit for the family

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 30/04/2022 23:57

@ChampagneCommunist Nothing formalised with regards separation/divorce

OP posts:
Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 01/05/2022 00:00

Uncertain prognosis but likely 6 months, possibly bit more, if they agree more chemo.

OP posts:
SpindleInTheWind · 01/05/2022 00:08

I will be able to apply to the trustees for certain things for the kids

I have a friend who does this, from everything from school day trips to a car for taking her DC to clubs etc. The trustees don't even like her (!); but she does it through a solicitor and the monies are provided.

CrotchetyQuaver · 01/05/2022 00:09

I'd leave him be, and hope he's not well enough to actually get as far as setting up the trust. Has he sorted executors? Has he considered the presumably less comfortable than they're used to lifestyle his children will have to have in the intervening years until they're old enough to access the trust themselves? I guess the abuse is going to continue beyond the grave...

CinnamonJellyBeans · 01/05/2022 00:16

Did you have/still have a joint mortgage with life insurance?

Does he have a death in service payment plan with his employer?

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 01/05/2022 00:17

@CrotchetyQuaver no he’s very much set on doing it while he is well enough, which is giving me a sense of urgency. I had really been hoping we could talk it over, but it seems not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 01/05/2022 00:19

@CinnamonJellyBeans He won’t get death in service because he accepted “full commutation” of pension with added incapacity pay to a large sum. Pension service said it’s either or.

OP posts:
Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 01/05/2022 00:19

As he’s taken medical retirement…

OP posts:
CinnamonJellyBeans · 01/05/2022 00:21

Just seen it was a retirement lump sum, so he's retired. Does his pension package include provision for dependents in the event of his death?

Does he have other children from previous relationships?

LimoncelloMadness · 01/05/2022 00:21

I would put the stop on the account.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 01/05/2022 00:23

Sorry cross posting there. Has he commuted all of his pension into a one big lump sum with no further payments?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2022 00:26

That money may be half yours in a divorce so I'd put a stop on it. And talk to a lawyer as soon as possible.

Danceswithwhippets · 01/05/2022 07:16

This is a sad situation OP.

Your children are very young, you are not well off, and you will be the best person to decide how the money should be spent after your husband’s death and when they grow up. It’s not in their best interests for the money to be tied up until they’re adults.

Time is on your side. You are married and no separation agreement dealing with assets exists, so the money in the joint account is equally yours. On the likely timing of his future perhaps little could be done by him alone in time along the lines of setting up a trust. He could quickly make a will that restricted future use of his half the money, but you could challenge it after he dies.

Someone should point out to him that any legal dispute now will suck up valuable money that would otherwise be for his childrens benefit.

Sorry to be harsh, but you could spin things out, pretending to agree to whatever he asks, then ignore it and do whatever you think best after he dies.

Or you could open another account (very quickly -sole name, same bank) and move half (or even all) the money to it from the joint account. That would probably trigger a huge row which would affect the relationship until he dies.

Does he have other family who would think less of you because of anything you do?

AuntieJoyce · 01/05/2022 07:19

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2022 00:26

That money may be half yours in a divorce so I'd put a stop on it. And talk to a lawyer as soon as possible.

Absolutely this

was his pension payout from a defined benefit scheme? If so he may have commuted your dependants’ entitlement

DenholmElliot · 01/05/2022 08:09

This is what I would do

  1. Open a single account and transfer half the money, including the pension, into that account - until such a time as you and your husband agree the next steps going forward.
  2. If the pension money isn't currently acceptable to you then I would file for divorce and put a freeze on his assets at the same time.
  3. If you are the person who files for divorce, you are the one who controls the timetable, so you can string that out for quite a while if you need to.
  4. Let him worry about his own legal, financial and pension position and let him do any work necessary about that.
Just wanted to query something that mumnetters are saying. They are saying that half his money legally is yours - i'm not sure thats true. His money is his money and your money is your money. It's only in the event of a divorce that the money is treated as equal. While anyone is married, then they can have their own money. I think i'm right - but am happy to stand correct if theres any legal experts around.
ENoeuf · 01/05/2022 08:15

I think I’m the only voice disagreeing. I find it a bit shocking that you are thinking of using it against his wishes when you are separated and he wants to leave a legacy for his kids. I get you are on a low income but you can claim top ups or work more hours eventually.

picklemewalnuts · 01/05/2022 08:19

But it's not all his, @ENoeuf .

And OP will be 'quite busy' supporting her children and dealing with the aftermath of her husband's illness and death, let alone looking for extra hours and scraping by financially when there is money available that could help.

Perhaps his lawyers will tell him that the money isn't all his, so he can't put it all in a trust.

Tothepoint99 · 01/05/2022 08:23

ENoeuf · 01/05/2022 08:15

I think I’m the only voice disagreeing. I find it a bit shocking that you are thinking of using it against his wishes when you are separated and he wants to leave a legacy for his kids. I get you are on a low income but you can claim top ups or work more hours eventually.

Me too. Nothing about the welfare of the children. Money doesn't solve everything.

ENoeuf · 01/05/2022 08:30

picklemewalnuts · 01/05/2022 08:19

But it's not all his, @ENoeuf .

And OP will be 'quite busy' supporting her children and dealing with the aftermath of her husband's illness and death, let alone looking for extra hours and scraping by financially when there is money available that could help.

Perhaps his lawyers will tell him that the money isn't all his, so he can't put it all in a trust.

It’s the payout because he is dying. They aren’t together and he wants to put in in trust for his kids. From a moral ‘doing the right thing’ point of view op should respect his wishes.

Midlifemusings · 01/05/2022 08:30

@ENoeuf

Many people still firmly believe that it is the man's job to provide for a family. That women have little to no financial responsibility for themselves or their children and should be taken care of along with their children by men. This is still a very common theme in many threads. A man is still the plan for many when it comes to how they will afford life.

This OP has what many women want - all the money and the ex is dead and out of the picture.

123ZYX · 01/05/2022 08:31

I think you need to be careful if you're not divorced. At the moment, he could transfer the whole amount into his own account and write a will leaving it all to charity. I think at the very least you need to find a way of ensuring it all stays in the joint account, unless you both agree to it being used/ moved

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