Major money dilemma with abusive terminally ill husband

[Earlgrey19]

months, we didn’t initiate divorce proceedings as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer out of the blue. We’ve never separated finances, and still operate from joint account. Kids age 4 and 7.

History of emotional abuse from him to me, and he is very controlling towards me, but I’ve tried to be amicable for everyone’s sake, especially since diagnosis. He is very angry that I didn’t get back together with him, when diagnosed, though.

He's had a very substantial pension lump sum payout into joint account. He’s told me he wants to put it into a trust fund for the kids for when they’re over 18. I will be able to apply to the trustees for certain things for the kids. But I earn very little in my profession (he earned over 4x as much), so to me it makes sense that there should be more provision while the kids grow up. I think we should have at least dividends or equivalent paid to us regularly, even if the capital remains untouched, so that the kids’ childhood is more comfortable.

And actually legally the money is also mine at this point. We’re still married with shared finances.

Ive tried to talk about it with him but he shut me down at once, and when I pointed that out he got very angry and I got a stream of angry messages from him, criticising me, all day. I’ve arranged a solicitor appointment and a financial advisor appointment for myself. He refuses to talk to me about this matter, but has said I may email him. My experience of him is that he will dismiss anything I write and keep asserting his plan.

What should I do? The account the money is in can have a measure put on it that blocks him from emptying more than half the account, but I fear he may then retaliate with something.

Money can make the difference between a child being fed or going hungry, so I would disagree with this.

If they were divorcing instead, she would likely receive quite a bit of his pension especially if she has been a SAMH. So nope, it's her money too.

Agree just string him along saying you are very happy to negotiate how to look after the children until he's gone

Put a stop on the account though

Half of the cash will be yours on divorce and will enable you to support the kids

I am in the process of setting up a discretionary trust for my DC because it is a much better option than leaving them to deal with inheritance tax etc.

I think you should suggest that you both meet with a specialist in IHT and tax planning and come to an agreement. I imagine that your H is worried about leaving everything to you because in the event of you marrying again there is a good chance that your children with him will end up with nothing if you and your new partner don't do the requisite trust planning. This happens more often than you would think.

He is trying to ensure that his children are protected.

If suitable trustees are appointed, as an estate planner would ensure, there is no reason this would not be a good plan. You will be able to take money from the trust for the children. You could potentially take a loan from the trust if required. There are all sorts of ways to set up a trust that is safe and beneficial for everyone.

@ENoeuf
OP wants the money to raise her dc now.
It's all very well having a trust fund but the priority should be the dc immediate care.

Imo this man is still trying to control his ex even at the point of death.

it’s gone into a joint account though, that’s what makes the difference. My dh earns twice what I earn it goes into a joint account so I can empty it if I like

Does he have other life insurance? What about the house? If you own that jointly and he has life insurance on it, you stand to have mortgage free property. But presumably he could change that into tenants in common and leave his half to kids as well?

@Whooshaagh I can read - I’ve understood I just disagree with the ops idea. Especially as they are separated.

Yes this sums it up for me too.

The blokes going to be dead in a few months, and the only focus from the OP is on worrying about money because God forbid she doesn't get her full share and to live the life of Riley after he's gone. When of course he won't be living. At all.

Pretty bloody unsavoury imo.

FFS. She's not worrying about getting her full share (which, if divorced, she would be rightly entitled to). She's worrying about how to afford the next 12-14 years caring for two children as a low earning single parent when there is a substantial amount of money that could help them now.

I actually think it's selfish of her H not to consider this.

But he’s suggesting a trust so any big things she can apply for like school trips etc, and in ten years what then? Moneys run out and op has to find the cash to help with uni/driving lessons etc. or op earns more now and the kids have a helping hand when they need it at the start of adulthood.

It is possible to use some of a trust fund to invest in anything to provide an ongoing income. Surely it would be better to meet him halfway and get professional advice?
Do you know who he intends to appoint as trustees OP?

He's abusive and has not stopped being so even though he is dying.
Being ill/terminal does not make one a saint. The Op owes him nothing. It's sounds like She has put up with enough from him.

From the sounds of it, the sun is substantial (£500k?? £1m??) only the OP knows this. So if half of this can be released to aid them through the early years, they'd still stand to inherit a decent amount to set the up for life.

I'm afraid it just doesn't sit right for me for a single parent to struggle and count the pennies for well over a decade when there is a significant amount of cash sitting idly in an account.

As it is just the pension he wants to put into trust, does that mean you will inherit the family home? Is it mortgaged? If so, there must be a life insurance policy in place to cover the mortgage, so it follows that you will own the property. Or are you renting?
Has he made a will and what does it say about the remainder of his estate?
Does he have other beneficiaries?

Put the measures in place on the bank account, surely he would only discover them if he tries to remove the money?

Wow - I find these remarks pretty unsavoury. I imagine what the OP really wants is a non emotionally abusive ex and a supportive father for her dc. That’s not the hand life has dealt her. She’s posted for financial advice on one particular point which doesn’t mean there are no other facets to the relationship or concerns - theyre just not laid out here, because it’s not what she needed advice on. It sounds like a hugely stressful situation - I don’t understand why people have to be so unpleasant.

As no doubt you have realized OP, you were right to book appointments with a solicitor and FA.

Your interests:

• Reasonable provision for the children, in childhood and adulthood
• Reasonable provision for you, both while looking after the kids and in retirement

His interests:

• Reasonable provision for the children, in childhood and adulthood
• Provision for next 6 months :/

Some money in a trust for the kids is fine, it protects them against eventualities like you marrying again and promptly dropping dead having willed everything to DH2, you gambling all the money away ... I get it you're not likely to, but we've all seen people do odd things.

But you don't want to be left high and dry and penniless aged 67 having spent most of your life raising your joint kids and then only having had a few years to build up a career and pension and sort out housing.

Whatever his will says now he can change it any time. So I'm guessing the solicitor will look into the implications of starting to divorce now.

I do know from experience if the financial part of the divorce isn't finalized and one of the ex-couple dies, the other can sue their estate! (Shudders) that took 6 years to sort out...

Please go to those appointments with experts. There are some shocking posts on here, both unfairly rude to you and also wrong in their facts.

From very bitter personal experience this stuff is incredibly important to sort out if at all possible. But don’t do it via a MN thread. Do it with people who know the facts and what they’re doing.

And good luck.

This. When he is gone you need to provide for the children in full, and not use his money, against his wishes. I would maybe think differently if he was not leaving his money to his children, however, you are just choosing to take money from your children because you dont want to work sufficiently in order to support yourself/children.

Lots to consider here, thanks to all, bar those making callous, uninformed remarks. Of course the most important task is emotional support of the children through this horrendous and heartbreaking bereavement they are facing. I have support, ideas and instincts about how to do that.

But what I’m posting about is not that, because the topic I feel I know so little about is this unusual financial one, and it very much does affect the children, re not having changes to their lifestyle, and not having their mum under more strain than the already very considerable strain of having this bereavement happen to our family, and raising them on my own. Yea Thanks to all who have been thoughtful about that — I appreciate it.

Absolutely this. There is some terrible advice and wrong information here. Please don't do anything until you have taken the professional advice that you have sensibly arranged. You really don't want to end up with expensive and bitter legal disputes.

In particular, the PP is absolutely right to say that there is no automatic joint ownership of your spouses assets. Putting it in the joint account also doesn't mean it is necessarily shared www.hwg-law.com/articles/who-beneficial-owner-monies-bank-account-held-joint-names You cannot assume that half of the money that has been provided by his pension to him because he is dying is yours. If I were in his position then I would definitely make a trust because I would want a guarantee that the money went to the children and not the risk e.g. that it would end up in the hands of a future partner of yours. It is completely reasonable for him to want to do this and if you start moving his money around this fear is going to be all the stronger.

What you can do is to get more information on the whole picture. As a PP says in some pension schemes the dependents' benefits cannot be commuted. It may well be that in addition to this lump sum there will also be an ongoing pension for you and each of the children. Find this out.

@Barkingmadhouse With respect you know nothing about hard I work or my hours. I have a demanding job I work hard in, but it doesn’t pay very well and the children will have a change in lifestyle without their higher earning Dad to contribute to financial support of them during childhood.

OP, do you know why he is doing it? Do you think he doesn't trust you with money? Can you provide him with the financial breakdown of the expenses you are planning to subsidise with some of this money?
If you truly believe it is all just out of spite, then get out of MN and contact a solicitor as a matter of urgency. You would be better off filing for divorce right now if you want to keep some of it