Major money dilemma with abusive terminally ill husband

[Earlgrey19]

months, we didn’t initiate divorce proceedings as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer out of the blue. We’ve never separated finances, and still operate from joint account. Kids age 4 and 7.

History of emotional abuse from him to me, and he is very controlling towards me, but I’ve tried to be amicable for everyone’s sake, especially since diagnosis. He is very angry that I didn’t get back together with him, when diagnosed, though.

He's had a very substantial pension lump sum payout into joint account. He’s told me he wants to put it into a trust fund for the kids for when they’re over 18. I will be able to apply to the trustees for certain things for the kids. But I earn very little in my profession (he earned over 4x as much), so to me it makes sense that there should be more provision while the kids grow up. I think we should have at least dividends or equivalent paid to us regularly, even if the capital remains untouched, so that the kids’ childhood is more comfortable.

And actually legally the money is also mine at this point. We’re still married with shared finances.

Ive tried to talk about it with him but he shut me down at once, and when I pointed that out he got very angry and I got a stream of angry messages from him, criticising me, all day. I’ve arranged a solicitor appointment and a financial advisor appointment for myself. He refuses to talk to me about this matter, but has said I may email him. My experience of him is that he will dismiss anything I write and keep asserting his plan.

What should I do? The account the money is in can have a measure put on it that blocks him from emptying more than half the account, but I fear he may then retaliate with something.

Unfortunately the children will of course have a lot of changes to cope with. They will adapt.
I really do think it is important to get the expert advice and try your best to work with your H to reach an agreement based on what is best for the children. You need to frame all your suggestions around providing for his children. You are likely to get a much better agreement that way. If you are confrontational or start removing money from the join account you will make things worse.
Who is he likely to listen to? You or a professional advisor?
IME the professionals are very good at getting the best plan in place for the wellbeing of the children and that includes supporting the surviving parent.

It may also be much better for her NOT to divorce now, especially if the pension scheme would continue paying a survivor's pension to a spouse but not an ex-spouse. She needs to get professional advice on what would be best in her circumstances.

Do you know the T&C of his pension OP?
Some providers allow for the spouse to continue to receive 50% until their death. Others have no provision except for the pension to die with the holder.
Others offer a lump sum in anticipation of expected death.
It is possible that the latter is the only option available, in which case a trust fund may well be the most tax efficient option.
You haven't mentioned a will/property/life insurance. These things make a big difference.
You will need the pension paperwork in order to get professional advice.

It would be helpful if you answered my questions about whether any pension is coming your way after he dies, whether there are other children outside of your relationship and whether you have a mortgage that has life insurance.

This would help posters work out whether you're going to be poor, or rich after he dies and advise accordingly about this lump sum.

@Earlgrey19 - please ignore the vicious comments, literally don’t reply to them.

Anyone can see that your care and attention is for how you as a family will survive emotionally and financially after your husband’s death.

Get proper advice, spend a bit of money now to hopefully avoid costly legal disputes which would easily eat up any available funds.

Like others have said definitely get good legal advice as soon as you can. Don't tell him that of course.

If it was me, I would arrange to transfer half of it very quickly, so that he doesn't set up transfers and leave you high and dry - i.e. he could do half now and then an other half and then the final half.

To protect yourself sometimes you've got to hold your nerve and play dirty. You can argue the point afterwards when you're in a stronger position.