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Original poster

What rights do you have if ex moves 300 miles away?

55 replies

Sam20221 · 30/04/2022 21:40

So 2 months ago my husband of 5 years (together for 10) told me our marriage was over, claimed he was unhappy and had been for months which was why he was leaving. He’d never told me he was unhappy, was booking holidays and doing our house up etc…it came completely out of the blue. A week later I found out there was somebody else, his sisters best friend who lives down in London, we’d been on a night out, I went home early because of our daughter, he stayed out and apparently there was a spark between them! They’d text for a week before he left me and apparently she made him realise he was unhappy!

We are now 2 months on, I’ve sold our house, car and been looking after our 3 year old daughter pretty much single handedly. He’s down in London most weekends, seems to be loving his new life and has pretty much mapped out his year with this new woman.

Hes moving full force with her and through a mutual friend I’ve heard he is considering moving down to London to live with her. Its over 300 miles away, I’m just wondering if anybody has been in this situation before and what happens with the childcare arrangements? I don’t want my daughter travelling down there every other weekend as it just seems too much at her age? He’s meant to have her currently every other weekend and every Wednesday night although that hasn’t exactly been consistent so far!

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 30/04/2022 21:45

300 miles twice each weekend is not acceptable! I’d suggest that he returns home to see his child EOW, perhaps staying with his parents.

AskingforaBaskin · 30/04/2022 21:49

Every weekend is unworkable. It may be he would have a larger chunck of the holidays etc if he wanted to be a somewhat active parent.

But I hate to say it how much do you think a 3 year old is going to fit into his new life?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2022 21:53

What do you mean by rights?

It’s shit for you and your daughter that he’s being like this, I can’t imagine how much it hurts and I’m so sorry. I’d wait and see what he does or suggests about contact. It sounds like he’s going to be less and less engaged and won’t be sticking to the arrangement to see her. I agree it’s too far for her to travel but I’d cross that bridge if it comes to it, I suspect he’ll find parenting gets in the way of his shiny new plans.

YellowFlowersForever · 30/04/2022 22:00

My sons dad moved 150 miles away in January, he’s meant to have him EOW but hasn’t seen him since moving.

Georgeskitchen · 30/04/2022 22:21

It's not your responsibility to get your daughter to your exs new location. It's his responsibility to maintain contact. He's not really thought it through has he? Once the sex wears off (and it will) what will he do, crawl back with his tail between his legs?

Bagelsandbrie · 30/04/2022 22:43

I can only tell you what happened from my own experience which is a bit different in that I left my abusive (emotionally) ex and moved 180 miles away with our then aged 3 years old dd. (I actually left him when she was 6 months old but didn’t move until
she was 3). He would see her every other weekend, I would do the travel one way and he would do the other - neither of us drove at that point so it was several trains etc. I was trying to keep the peace by doing it really as I felt bad I’d moved away. Later when I saw a solicitor about various things they said whatever the agreement had been up till then that’s what they would try to keep as they would argue it had been working up to that point. So I would think carefully before agreeing to anything as you could be setting a long term precedent.

(Dd is now 19, my ex ended up moving to the USA when she was 12 and has been there since. He sees her for half the summer there now).

Original poster
Sam20221 · 30/04/2022 22:45

To be honest he’s not given our daughter a second thought since he left. It would do me favour if he walked away for good but I’m expecting him to still want contact with her. If I say he can’t see her once he does move I’m just wondering what rights I actually have to tell him he can’t take her down there

OP posts:
BrightonBunny · 30/04/2022 22:45

Well you can't make him see his DD if that is what you mean by rights? It sounds like he has gone DickBlind so probably no point in trying to discuss with him.

All you have to do is make DD available for him to collect at the times agreed. I appreciate this means all the childcare falls on you, but if he would be seeing her begrudgingly, she is better off without him.

So sorry OP - you are better off without this wankbadger though Flowers

AskingforaBaskin · 30/04/2022 22:47

Sam20221 · 30/04/2022 22:45

To be honest he’s not given our daughter a second thought since he left. It would do me favour if he walked away for good but I’m expecting him to still want contact with her. If I say he can’t see her once he does move I’m just wondering what rights I actually have to tell him he can’t take her down there

None. Parents have equal responsibility for a child. You could withhold her and he would then have to seek a CAO

BrightonBunny · 30/04/2022 22:48

If I say he can’t see her once he does move I’m just wondering what rights I actually have to tell him he can’t take her down there

Sorry - X post. No - you have no rights to say he cannot take her down to London, so long as he collects her and brings her home. I shouldn't worry, he won't keep this up for more than a month.

kitcat15 · 30/04/2022 23:04

He has equal PR even if he moved to Timbuktu ….why would you think he couldn’t take her to London during his contact?🤷‍♀️

Floralnomad · 30/04/2022 23:08

Why did you sell the house and car ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2022 23:13

As others have said, you can’t withhold contact if he moves. But hold fire on all of that. He hasn’t moved yet and he’s already not taking the contact you’ve agreed between you.

Lolapusht · 30/04/2022 23:13

You dont need to say he can’t see her, you arrange when he’s going to see her then make her available for contact. Expecting a 3 year old to spend 10+ hours traveling every other weekend is completely unreasonable. Even expecting you to meet him half way is unreasonable. He’s moved away so he has to make the effort to come see her (highly unlikely he will!). Don’t block contact, offer it on your terms (not to be vindictive but because it’s what’s best for your DD), agree dates and stick to them. If he can’t make a week then he waits until the next time it’s “his” weekend. If he wants a relationship with his daughter then it’s up to him to maintain it, all you need to do is make it physically possible for him to do that.

Original poster
Sam20221 · 01/05/2022 07:46

Because unfortunately I couldnt afford to keep both. The car was in my name and even though he’s liable for half the mortgage I can’t afford all the bills on my own. He gives me maintenance each month but that only covers half my daughters nursery fees therefore I’m getting zero help with everything else.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 01/05/2022 07:52

It’s not up to you to travel to see him, you only have to facilitate contact.
If I were you I’d say nothing about it to him, let him ask about contact.
And I can’t see why he wouldn’t be allowed to take her down to London for his contact.
Make sure you hide her passport if she has one. If she doesn’t have one it might be worth applying for one and hiding it.

Grumpyrainbow · 01/05/2022 08:03

Really feel for you OP. He sounds like a complete knob. Hope you are looking after yourself. Things will get better. As they say, the early days of a new relationship can be exciting, but they never last. Then it's just 'same shit, different house'.

Hope things work out the way you want. Flowers

ChoiceMummy · 01/05/2022 08:33

Sam20221 · 30/04/2022 22:45

To be honest he’s not given our daughter a second thought since he left. It would do me favour if he walked away for good but I’m expecting him to still want contact with her. If I say he can’t see her once he does move I’m just wondering what rights I actually have to tell him he can’t take her down there

You have no rights to say what he does with his contact time. That simple.

A court may agree with you.

It may be that he attempts it once for a weekend but soon realises that its not ideal!

Longer weekends would be more practical. Him returning to local area, staying with family or in a hotel is an option also.

With regards your selling the home, how will the equity be split? Are you buying elsewhere? It's unlikely that a divorce settlement would give you all of the equity for a short marriage, so be aware of this, as he still has a claim on any of the assets as the time he left.

Childcare is needed by you on your time so is your financial responsibility. (legally speaking not morally). So your choices are condensed hours to use less childcare. Cheaper childcare. See if eligible for any of the schemes. See if eligible for support via universal credit, even if you're not entitled to money you may get childcare refunded of upto 85%.

Have you checked that the children's maintenance is at least the minimum that the cms calculator states for the circumstances? If not, open a case with them if you can't discuss directly.

Charley50 · 01/05/2022 09:31

What a wanker.

Where are you living now? Have you bought somewhere smaller? Are you sure you can't keep the house somehow?

If he is interested in seeing his DD he will work it out. I don't think she should travel too much while she's small, but it is good if he bothers to do the work to maintain a bond.

DaisyStPatience · 01/05/2022 09:46

You can only be "forced into" something by a court order. You don't have to take her down to London. If he's this disinterested after only a couple of months, I very much doubt he'd be willing to put the time and expense into taking this to court.

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/05/2022 09:58

Your daughter is the one with rights.

She has the right to a relationship with both parents.

Your responsibility (both of you) is to enable that.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/05/2022 09:59

If he is not interested now I would expect there will be even less interest once he moves to London
PPs are correct. You just need to offer contact. Once a schedule has been arranged, if he misses a time then he needs to wait until next time. Be really firm on that. Don’t let him come and go as he pleases.

also have you checked to see if you are entitled to any benefits??

If I had to make a prediction I’d say that he is unlikely to be a presence in your DDs life. Which will bring its own stresses and challenges.

best wishes

Original poster
Sam20221 · 01/05/2022 10:20

I paid the deposit on our current house so it’s agreed I’ll get that back and then go 50/50 with the remaining equity. I have bought a smaller property for me and my daughter, I’m now just waiting for it to all go through.

I fortunately earn a good salary, we both have good jobs and earn a similar wage. Unfortunately I am not eligable for any benefits but I do think it’s ridiculous I am forced to foot the childcare bill just so that I can go to work and provide for our daughter. Whereas he literally only has to pay the maintenance, feels like working mothers trying to do their best are penalised whereas the man can just walk away and do very little!

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 01/05/2022 10:22

Sam20221 · 01/05/2022 10:20

I paid the deposit on our current house so it’s agreed I’ll get that back and then go 50/50 with the remaining equity. I have bought a smaller property for me and my daughter, I’m now just waiting for it to all go through.

I fortunately earn a good salary, we both have good jobs and earn a similar wage. Unfortunately I am not eligable for any benefits but I do think it’s ridiculous I am forced to foot the childcare bill just so that I can go to work and provide for our daughter. Whereas he literally only has to pay the maintenance, feels like working mothers trying to do their best are penalised whereas the man can just walk away and do very little!

It is ridiculous and you have every right to be furious and I would not be silent about it. He should get an absolute ear full.

How this isn't a criminal offence is beyond me. It's child abandonment.

kitkatsky · 01/05/2022 10:26

I was in a similar situation when my DD was 2

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