What rights do you have if ex moves 300 miles away?

[Sam20221]

So 2 months ago my husband of 5 years (together for 10) told me our marriage was over, claimed he was unhappy and had been for months which was why he was leaving. He’d never told me he was unhappy, was booking holidays and doing our house up etc…it came completely out of the blue. A week later I found out there was somebody else, his sisters best friend who lives down in London, we’d been on a night out, I went home early because of our daughter, he stayed out and apparently there was a spark between them! They’d text for a week before he left me and apparently she made him realise he was unhappy!

We are now 2 months on, I’ve sold our house, car and been looking after our 3 year old daughter pretty much single handedly. He’s down in London most weekends, seems to be loving his new life and has pretty much mapped out his year with this new woman.

Hes moving full force with her and through a mutual friend I’ve heard he is considering moving down to London to live with her. Its over 300 miles away, I’m just wondering if anybody has been in this situation before and what happens with the childcare arrangements? I don’t want my daughter travelling down there every other weekend as it just seems too much at her age? He’s meant to have her currently every other weekend and every Wednesday night although that hasn’t exactly been consistent so far!

Sorry OP pressed send too soon. Ex moved 300 miles away and insisted on EOW contact. He was really abusive and would disappear for days with her if I didn't agree. Nowadays he lives even further away but can't be bothered with the travel anymore so he has her more of the school hols and this works okay for us. You can't stop him having her in London but I would push back against EOW- work hard to pit together a long term olan that will work when DD is in school too.

I'm sorry about the financial struggles- my ex wouldn't even pay maintenance- but you're right it's very unfair. The good news is school is just around the corner and your childcare costs will be fractional

If it was me I'd ask him so what are your plans for maintaining a good relationship with your child?

You should get more than 50% of the equity as you’re the one who has to provide your child’s primary residence and near enough full time care. Have you consulted a solicitor?

With regard to contact, you can’t dictate whether he takes your child to London or not. That’s up to him. Do not offer to share the travelling unless forced to by a court.

It's disgusting but if I were you I'd let him go Nd make him do all of the running and the work. Dont enable him.
Men like this are pathetic, always the same old script. My ex did the same...haven't been happy for years etc ad nauseum. All nonsense, who do they think they are kidding.
He is being led about by the dick.
One day he will realise what he lost and it will be too late.
He is not a real man.

Apply for tax free childcare.

Plan for a future where your DD doesn't have a dad.

Rather than try and withhold contact which can look bad on you I’d see how things go. As others have said you only have to make her available for contact you don’t have to bring her there. She’s too young to travel alone so he’s going to have to pick her up. Is he really going to want to do 2 600 mile round trips in one weekend? Even if he starts with this I can’t see it being sustainable and will son fizzle out

You can't say no to him having contact.

But yanbu if you ask him what he proposes with regards to contact. It's up to him to decide how he's going to do it.

My ex moved 150 miles away when he split and it was unworkable. 2 of our kids started to refuse to go and the third struggled for about 6 months until ex came to his senses and moved about 50 miles away. He worked Mon-Fri 9-5 and rush hour obviously meant that he couldn't drive to us on Friday so he'd come on Sat morning and drop off Sunday afternoon. It was madness in retrospect and we should have done bank holiday weekends, half terms or something so there could be more days for each stay.

It sounds like you are happy with him to move to London and not come back but be prepared that he could do that, come back in a couple of years and would be granted contact even if his dd had forgotten him. It could be supervised at first but just a warning that if he disappears, he could come back years later and the courts would grant him contact again.

Have some back up in writing of you facilitating contact but don't yet agree to any travel. It would be much better if he plans to travel back to seechis daughter.

I guess when the novelty wear off his new life he might decide to see her more regularly and he could apply to court to ask for assistance from you for travel. It's hard to 2nd guess what could happen in court as very judge dependant.

Don't worry about that now. Just offer eow and keep a record of how often he steps up.

It is terrible dad's can walk away and expecting mothers to work and finance childcare. I can't understand who CMS excludes childcare and the state is expected to pick up the bill.

He is an idiot if he has fallen for a woman he barely knows. What an idiot. Sadly this type of man will do the same to OW, although she will believe you are the issue and with her it will be different. It's such a cliche as happens so often.

Eh then I doubt he will be making a fuss to see her once he’s that far away. I’d wait it out and see but I doubt he will want to make that trip every other week.

Let him worry about seeing her.
The only thing you have to do is allow it if he wants to.

Some men come around eventually and others will leave their children without a thought about them.

You have to be amenable to the contact but be very clear to him that he has to work out the logistics.

I was in the position. Its shit.

You do not have the right to withhold contact or to say what he does when he has your DD.

How much equity is in your house? Have you taken legal advice, as I imagine as primary carer you would be entitled to more than half of it.

As PP said, don’t start any arrangements that you are not happy to continue with. Also take into account that your DD will be starting school in a year or 2 which will reduce childcare costs, but also affect contact arrangements.

I would not be giving him 50% of the equity unless this proportionately with your original deposit is 70:30 in your favour.

Have you verified the child maintenance amount?

I’d seek legal advice on the maintenance as surely he has to provide to more than just childcare costs? There is a cost to feeding, housing and having a child and his contribution should cover this.

i think I’d seek legal advice about the access as well. Surely he could come up to your neck of the woods and stay in a hotel or something rather than dragging his daughter to london and back.

I certainly wouldn’t be facilitating this by going halfway etc. He has access. It’s up to him to arrange collecting her.

The UK has an absolute joke of a system where the NRP just pasu a pittance of their salary. So regardless of how much OP has pay out it is not considered his problem

I would mych prefer the US system where both parents go before a judge with all income and expenditures and costs associated with the child and then a number is calculated

I think with a move of that distance you wont get much childcare from him. I would think it will be half terms and holidays mainly, if that.
Id concentrate on supporting your daughter as she is likely to feel abandoned. She needs to know that none of this is her fault and that she is still loved by both of you. It would be better if you made excuses for him and how shit he is, certainly in the short term. She needs to process it gently.
Could you talk with his sister about it

Emphasis is usually on the parent who moved away to travel for contact. If it end up with court-ordered contact you would have to make her available for contact but in your circumstances I believe the onus would be on him to travel as you haven't moved out of the area. It doesn't sound like he'll bother with court-ordered contact though. I agree with PP to make an EOW arrangement and he will have to come and stay near you.

Given the situation you've described and the brief time this new relationship has been going on it sounds highly doubtful it will last so he'll probably end up being around more than you think.

So sorry OP.

my sister is in this situation. Her 4yo travels 200 miles to London and 200 miles back eow. She has to drive him! It’s a joke

Is that court ordered?! If it is, it is absolutely disgusting that anyone could think that it was in the best interest of the child or fair to your sister!

This happens far more often than you think....the mother is court ordered to drive the child to meet halfway and pick up halfway.... .the judge will consider this to be in the best interest of child.. I have seen it many times in my line of work

My friends ex earns £45k…he has child 1 to 2 nights a week…he pays the calculated amount which is around £340 a month she said..so that would be around half of childcare costs for a little one

What have his family said. Any contact from his parents?

The parent that steps up when the other bails takes a big financial hit. Child support covers very little. It's not fair, but it is what it is.

Don't block contact, you need to make her available at the previously agreed time. It sounds like he'll just fade away anyway. Make a good faith effort, keep a paper or electronic trail of his actions re contact. Don't remind him beforehand or ask what his plans are.

Have her ready at agreed time, if he doesn't turn up within an hour send him a message or email to say you've been waiting since X agreed time need to get on with your day now. If you haven't heard from him at all add that there's been no contact. If he calls to cancel make a note of that, email/text to say just confirming as per phone call at X time today that I'll be caring for DD on your weekend.
I'd be surprised given what you've said if the issue ends up being he's taking her to London EOW.