Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Shouldn't of done this ?

37 replies

Roman414 · 30/04/2022 10:04

I'm married and have been for 15 years. To say the relationship is a bit stale is an understatement. Husband is a good guy but works non stop , leaving me to manage a full time job, 2 Dcs and all the housework.

We literally dont talk anymore and I dont mind admitting I'm lonely.
Last night I went out and came home and messaged a Male friend about music we had a bit of banter ( for context know each other for 25 years) nothing sexual at all ,but then he invited me round to his house to use his hot tub. I said no and then ended the messages saying i was off to bed.
This morning I've checked them and theres nothing untoward but I feel really bad.
Like I shouldn't be messaging late at night and has it given him the wrong impression?
Not sure what to do ,should I block him etc ? Or am I overreacting ?Not sure how happy my husband would be . Think I've been pissed and felt a bit fed up as husband went to bed and just left me sitting there.
Any advice,I dont want to leave my marriage but unsure what to do .

OP posts:
HeDidWhattt · 30/04/2022 10:14

Why would you block him? Nothing wrong has happened…you are allowed to talk to people you know.

I wouldn’t bother putting anymore time and effort into the marriage, after 15 years it’s not going to get better is it.

you need to start building a life, and get some boundaries…why you think it’s not ok to talk to people just because they are the opposite sex baffles me!! No wonder you’re lonely.

LadyWhistldown · 30/04/2022 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HeDidWhattt · 30/04/2022 10:17

Also it’s quite telling you’re more concerned about how your husband would feel about it over your own feelings, needs and wants….you’ve kind of got that the wrong way around. Who puts you first? Because you or your husband doesn’t.

LoveSpringDaffs · 30/04/2022 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How rude.

Pedants corner ➡️➡️➡️

StrawberryPot · 30/04/2022 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Topseyt123 · 30/04/2022 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Agree. I'm a proud member of Pedants' Corner too.

spotcheck · 30/04/2022 10:21

HeDidWhattt · 30/04/2022 10:17

Also it’s quite telling you’re more concerned about how your husband would feel about it over your own feelings, needs and wants….you’ve kind of got that the wrong way around. Who puts you first? Because you or your husband doesn’t.

Surely that's just consideration in a relationship- don't get flirty with other people?

OP
Are you sure you want to live the rest of your life like this? Why?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/04/2022 10:23

HeDidWhattt · 30/04/2022 10:14

Why would you block him? Nothing wrong has happened…you are allowed to talk to people you know.

I wouldn’t bother putting anymore time and effort into the marriage, after 15 years it’s not going to get better is it.

you need to start building a life, and get some boundaries…why you think it’s not ok to talk to people just because they are the opposite sex baffles me!! No wonder you’re lonely.

He invited op round, late at night, to "use the hot tub" aka have a shag. That said, I don't think it warrants a block as op said "no" and left it there, thankfully.

OP what do you want to change? You seem to be carrying the lions share of the life load and have lost connection with your H. Is he working long hours to establish his business/career - is there a point in sight where you will have more time together, or is he working long hours to avoid doing his own life admin and parenting his own children? Does he know you're unhappy?

LoveSpringDaffs · 30/04/2022 10:23

ok you've given yourself a bit of a fright. How easily things could escalate (and maybe the realisation that actually, that might be quite nice) your relationship sounds 'lacking' & I think that is what you need to focus on. Do you want it to be better or do you want it to be over (be honest with yourself!!) then take action one way or the other. IF you want it to be better you need to ask your DH If HE wants it to be better or to be over. Tell him they are the options 'carrying on as we are' is NOT an option.

would you want to take things further with your friend if you were single?

Original poster
Roman414 · 30/04/2022 10:24

At the moment I cant leave for many varying reasons. Like I say I'm more worried I've given friend the wrong impression by messaging so late as he tried to turn the messages a bit flirty which I didnt respond to ,not sure if I should message him today and appologise for messaging or just say nothing.

OP posts:
LadyWhistldown · 30/04/2022 10:24

@Topseyt123 @StrawberryPot you will never marry a Viscount with grammar such as that

Original poster
Roman414 · 30/04/2022 10:27

DH and I have had many conversations about the state of our relationship. He makes changes but then they stop again.
Like I say I would never send anything sexual etc we tried to date when we were younger but were better as friends. So bo even single I wouldn't want to act on anything .

OP posts:
Original poster
Roman414 · 30/04/2022 10:28

No*

OP posts:
BobLemon · 30/04/2022 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrMrsJones · 30/04/2022 10:46

Firstly sort your marriage

You need to speak to DH again, tell him you're unhappy and he needs to make changes, step up and help with the house and parenting or it's over.

15yrs is a long time to throw away, but if DH isn't willing or doesn't want to change then start putting an action plan in place.

Gather paperwork, look at options and work towards your goal.

Don't worry about the firend, say nothing carry on as normal, he tried you said no, end off.

What it did affirm was that you're not happy and that needs to change.

WonderingWanda · 30/04/2022 10:53

Roman414 · 30/04/2022 10:27

DH and I have had many conversations about the state of our relationship. He makes changes but then they stop again.
Like I say I would never send anything sexual etc we tried to date when we were younger but were better as friends. So bo even single I wouldn't want to act on anything .

Why should you apologise? Presumably your friend knows you are married, maybe he should be apologising for misreading the situation and making inappropriate suggestions. Why do men automatically assume a women speaking to them is a come on

Pumperthepumper · 30/04/2022 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pumperthepumper · 30/04/2022 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pumperthepumper · 30/04/2022 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pumperthepumper · 30/04/2022 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Discovereads · 30/04/2022 11:02

Your male friend should be the one apologising for coming on to you when he knows you are married and even if you were single you’re not interested in him sexually. You have nothing to apologise for. I’d actually give him a firm warning because a man who is only friends because he wants to jump into bed with you isn’t really your friend. I’d be telling him, come on to me again and the friendship is over because can’t be having that when you know I’m not interested in you in that way.

idontknowdoi · 30/04/2022 11:11

I hate "should of" too, but it's rude to come on the thread and totally derail it!

OP, is it unusual for you to message this friend late at night? If not, I don't see why you're feeling guilty about his messages. He sounds like a chancer.

If it is unusual, you seem to have already identified it as being down to the fact you're lonely, etc. Okay, not great, but you didn't take up his offer and you weren't flirty yourself. Lesson learned.

Put less energy into overthinking this, and more into how you deal with the issues in your marriage.

Original poster
Roman414 · 30/04/2022 11:23

We dont speak very often every few months or so , so I dont message him everyday or anything like that .
Yeah I think he probably thought he was in with a chance which has made me think about things.
Hes a police officer so doesnt work standard shifts , I'm also now worried as so is my sisters husband so convinced myself he will say something to him,even though they work in different departments in different areas.Feel like I'm causing myself unnecessary hassle.
I've had my mum and dad die in the last 6 months and feel very lost. I'm having counselling so maybe I need to discuss this.

OP posts:
StrawberryPot · 30/04/2022 11:55

Pumperthepump - you mean my 'ellipses'? What's wrong with them?

caecilius1 · 30/04/2022 12:01

@StrawberryPot I think pumper means "you are the pot calling the kettle black". 🤣
Anyway, none of this addresses the OP's problem !

Swipe left for the next trending thread