Friend called my upcoming wedding a death sentence

[jadedgem]

My friend called my upcoming wedding a death sentence last night when she was drunk. I asked what she meant and she said well 50% of normal marriages end in divorce so with your unusual set up the odds can't be great. I got upset and she started justifying it saying well I'm just realistic it's still a good thing you'll be better protected if you do split being married anyway.. Talk about romance. I feel really hurt, how is it not a normal marriage? He's 14 years older than me, is what she's getting at, which I don't think is a scandalous difference. Of course I'm aware I will likely loose him younger than I'd like, but it's not such a huge gap that it's definite. Yes I'm also aware it may get harder in our old age as the gap widens, but if we get that far then we'll have between 20-30 years of marriage behind us which is a hardly a wasted time. He's a great person, a great husband, a great dad. We've survived a lot together, some really hard times, a stillbirth, we've come through everything stronger. I have friends who are all mainly within 8 years of their partners and more than half ended up single mums within their kids first 5 years, a smaller gap isn't a guarantee either. She's made me feel like I have to justify my relationship for the first time ever. I don't even want her at my wedding anymore

She was drunk and said something stupid.
Perhaps message her to say her comments were unappreciated

In vino veritas. Maybe she doesn't think he's as great as you do and she's worried about you for some reason.

She was drunk and tactless. But her opinion has absolutely zero effect or influence on how long your marriage will last. I would personally just laugh it off.

Maybe she is considering how less she will see you after the wedding.. Self indulgent moaning op. Ignore her. Or uninvite her if you prefer...

Consider plain old envy also op!!

Yeah I tend to think it says more about her than you or yours, but I'd expect her to say sorry. Long term friends do sometimes say overly honest things based on their perspectives. Good luck for having a lovely wedding day, you know you're doing the right thing so don't let it get you down

Talk to her when she is sober. Perhaps she has genuine misgivings and perhaps she was just being an arse. I wouldn’t be amused at such comments either.

She sounds a bit bitter. How is her own relationship/marriage?

14 years is a larger than average age gap but not a ridiculous one at all. It sounds like you have a good solid and strong relationship with your DH to be and you have already shown you stay together through difficult times.

Ignore her. You know your own situation better than her.

DH and I are about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. Several people thought our marriage wouldn't last as we are both a bit quick tempered and do argue at times. What those people don't see if that we argue and then sort our issues and move on happier and stronger.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Have a lovely day.

She always comments on how lovely he is and is a very blunt friend so I know she'd tell me how it is if she thought he was a shit partner, she has harped on about his age before and has after a few drinks berated him a bit "you can't be that old. You're lying. Let me see your passport." He's 46 for Christ sake he's not geriatric! She's a few years younger than me so maybe it seems a bigger gap to her. I just think it was really unnecessary to say marry him anyway it's the right thing but you're going to divorce, it takes all the romance out of it. Obviously I won't listen to her but it just hurt. Is my hen night out really the night to say that for the first time.

A dear friend of mine married on older man, a widower, twenty years her senior, with a clear-eyed acceptance that their time together would be limited, and I think this was t
one secret of their success. They had a happy, stable marriage, and he lived long enough to see two fine sons attain healthy independence. When he died, she affirmed that she had no regrets about marrying him, merely wishing that they could have had longer together.
I can think of many couples close in age who have not stayed the course, and one friend whose husband died unexpectedly of a heart attack, aged only thirty-five, leaving two devastated young children.
You know the truth of your relationship better than anyone, and I hope you have a happy life together.

I had a similar experience when just before my wedding, a relative had a few drinks and started saying unkind things... she was glad she wasn't getting married / what does marriage mean anyway / it's just a piece of paper / it didn't mean my bf was more committed to me than hers was to her.

In that case it was simply that she wanted to get married and wasn't happy I was doing it first.

I didn't let it spoil anything - the drunk ramblings of one person weren't going to change any of the facts. It helped that I knew she had a tendancy towards being jealous of people and this wasn't the first time. Only you know if that could be where your friend is at.

It's funny that I still remember it quite vividly many years later - even though it didn't change anything, I can still remember her words. Moreso that she was happy to hurt me (or try to).

If he's only 46, was she talking more about divorce than death? either that he will be a bit mid-life crisis or that you will reach 40s and want to trade him in?

Is my hen night out really the night to say that for the first time

I’ve been in a very similar position to yours and had a similar snide comment from a friend on my own hen night. It’s jealousy, likely as not. If you’re happy and you have something that works for you, cherish that and don’t give a second thought to people who bring you down.

Well yes she's saying we will get divorced as 50% of normal couples do so as we are not a normal couple we're basically guaranteed. Regardless it's not a comment to make at this stage especially at a hen night

No it's not the most cheery comment on a hen night, or very tactful. But if you've got kids, or plan on them, she's right - you'll be better protected financially. How have you stayed such good friends for so long with such different outlooks? Me n my friends would talk to each other exactly like this (as it's true, about stats and protection, and we are none of us big on the romance) so it wouldn't be something to take offense over.

When I first met DH, I was given 'friendly' advice by three of his friends on separate occasions that he'd been hurt in the past by someone with a self-motivated financial interest, lets say. I was basically warned not so much in words as attitude, that if that's what I was after, I should leave him alone. He's 6 years older, I was 19 when we first met, we got together when I was 20. A friend of mine also asked 'why are you with him?' 27 years later, we're about to celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary and all four of those people have been single and married again since, one has been married twice since. Do you and don't worry about drunken mumblings.

My dad was 14 yrs older than mum. They were very well suited, and very happy. Mum died first.
If he's the one for you, then the age gap is irrelevant.

So you are 22 and marrying a 46 year old man?

Wait no you'd be 32! Sorry brain fart.

Your friend is being very rude, I'm not sure she's much of a friend at all.

Once my best friend had a rant at me ttc when I had debts. I was struggling to get pregnant at the time. I had a break from her for a bit. Sometimes people don't mean what they say but I would say take a step back

My Best friend married someone 22 years older than her. (We are now both 48). She said from the beginning that she had to accept she might be widowed for a long time, but her view there are no certainties in life and when you meet the person you love you go with it. Relationships are not neatly tied up according to neat little parcels.

FWIW they have been together 20 years now, married 18. And are happier than anybody I know. They got snide remarks as well. Some relating to her motives because he is extremely weatlhy. 2 children. But he is healthier than she is and she is now retired from work due to chronic ill health. So you never know.

Look, she was drunk and saying a few things that have been on her mind that wouldn't have told you if she had been sober. She was factual - almost 50% of marriages end up in divorce and there is a big age gap between you that right now doesn't appear to be huge but in 10 years it may be.

When we drink too much we obsessively focus on one thing and lose perspective of everything else, which in your case, is how lovely your DP is and how much you've been through together. Once sober, she'd again gain the perspective that was gone whilst drunk. Don't over think it, drinking and good conversation don't go together.

Yes you're all probably right and it's an issue on her side not mine. It just made me sad, she made it sound so odd like we aren't a normal couple, I don't want to be an ' unusual couple' we are just a normal family. Of course I know it comes with certain possible future issues but it's not doomed, he isn't 30+ years older than me, he isn't old enough to be my dad, our parents are the same age so it's not weird in that sense either. We've never thought of it as an age gap relationship like she kept saying, he's just my partner. It just made me feel weird. I don't think the hen do is the place to mention divorce, even if you are concerned, we've been engaged for years and this is our third rescheduled wedding day due to covid so it's not like she hasn't had ample time to tell me if she's worried as opposed to dropping it during a celebration and totally tainting the mood for me.

As in my parents are the same age as his parents.

I married someone who was only one year older than me, and he died at 51. My best friend married someone whose 10 years older than her, he's nearly 70 now and still relatively healthy. Her first marriage to a guy similar to her age ended in divorce many moons ago.

You cannot predict the future, so you may as well live in the moment and follow your heart. You cannot live your life on what ifs, you love him and he loves you. Some people live to 90 like my mother and some people are tragically taken far too early.