Friend called my upcoming wedding a death sentence

[jadedgem]

My friend called my upcoming wedding a death sentence last night when she was drunk. I asked what she meant and she said well 50% of normal marriages end in divorce so with your unusual set up the odds can't be great. I got upset and she started justifying it saying well I'm just realistic it's still a good thing you'll be better protected if you do split being married anyway.. Talk about romance. I feel really hurt, how is it not a normal marriage? He's 14 years older than me, is what she's getting at, which I don't think is a scandalous difference. Of course I'm aware I will likely loose him younger than I'd like, but it's not such a huge gap that it's definite. Yes I'm also aware it may get harder in our old age as the gap widens, but if we get that far then we'll have between 20-30 years of marriage behind us which is a hardly a wasted time. He's a great person, a great husband, a great dad. We've survived a lot together, some really hard times, a stillbirth, we've come through everything stronger. I have friends who are all mainly within 8 years of their partners and more than half ended up single mums within their kids first 5 years, a smaller gap isn't a guarantee either. She's made me feel like I have to justify my relationship for the first time ever. I don't even want her at my wedding anymore

The hen do is NOT the time to raise issues but the problem with drinking too much is that people are completly inhibited by norms or social restrictions and no longer care about what's appropriate and what's not. It's alcohol talking and the reason why many friendships and marriages end.

If you care about her, raise the issue. Tell her frankly what she said while she was drunk hurt you and has made you question if she should be a part of your wedding when she has such negative view of your upcoming wedding.

No-one but no-one can know what goes on in your relationship, DH and I have been married 45 years.
His friends all were advising him not to marry me. His Mum and Dad never came to our wedding!
On paper everything was against us, but we are a good, happy and sucessful couple (in our relationship)
Take no notice OP, alcohol, idiocy, and possibly jealousy has a lot to answer for.
All marriage is a bit of a leap of faith, I truly hope yours works out well, but please don't be affected by drunken remarks.

Also DH and I got married last year at the ages of 37 (him) and 40. We were 18 and 21 when we got together and I don't think anyone thought it would last. Leave them to their horrid opinions

I get that she was drunk but so were most other people and they managed to act like grown ups and not be rude or offensive.

i would send her a message today asking how she is feeling, as she seemed quite drunk last night from what she was saying and see if that prompts any "OMG i feel bad, am so sorry" response (or probably a "don't recall anything")

then take from there. even if she goes for don't recall anything, most of us would assume we said something daft and appologise if we said anything stupid.

That’s so rude! My DH is 20 years older than me and we are very happy ☺️ Both been married before and know what unhappy looks like! I’d text her and say she isn’t welcome at the wedding tbh - she’s not a real friend.

I can see how this would really piss you off, OP.

In what situations has she said to him those "oh my god, you're not 46, prove it", comments?

That sounds like a giggly schoolgirl crush to me.

yes, plus her treatment of him.

i'd give her a very wide berth from now. Sorry.

God she sounds vile. I had few nasty, catty, bitter, jealous, well-meaning divorced and single women who tried to put me off getting married. It's a tie, a prison sentence, all men are cunts, why would you want a man OWNING you, you're too young, all sorts of things...

They were all 10 to 15 years older than me, and all had a string of bad relationships between them. They were clearly bitter, and were projecting. I am still married a quarter century later. Don't know what they're doing now as it was years ago, and I really don't care.

Sounds like these individuals are jealous and bitter. Ignore them, and be happy with your lovely man!

I had something similar, she’s now not my friend, we sort of glossed over it for my wedding but once somethings been said you can’t take it back, she thought he was lovely, but apparently it’s was disgusting the 17 year age gap and not appropriate to get married, he’s never looked his age, we’ve been together 20 years and he’s a the best man I’ve ever met, really glad I stuck to my guns, and in fact if anyone’s going to pop their clogs first it will likely be me as I had cancer and who knows what might happen.
Move on and enjoy your relationship it’s no one’s business but yours and if they can’t be happy for you then they are not worth being friends with.

She was extremely rude. But she’s right that no-one’s odds are great and they’re worse with certain factors, including one or both partners having had DC with other people

Agree that it’s ‘friendship over’ territory, especially given her past nasty comments

If she has form for nasty comments, she’s not your friend.
If this was a one off, just have a word and move on.

So you’re 32 and she’s a few years younger than you? To be honest when I was say 28 I would’ve thought a 46 year old was ancient, though I’d hope I was never so rude.
I was feeling traumatised enough about turning 30. And then I hit my thirties and realised how ridiculously young I still was. Just ignore her. She was just doing stupid drunken young person maths. If she’s usually nice about him, I’d let it go.

I agree with her about marriage in principle, just seen too many woman fucked over by it in middle age. I think the same thing in my head whenever I hear the late twenties/early thirties planning ludicrous OTT weddings at work. She was rude to say it out loud and you shouldn't care, do what you think is right for you.

My husband is 11 years older than me and we got married when I was 18.
Had all the comments about age gap, his intentions etc.
Now been married for 43 years. It is worrying as I can see him slowing down with health problems but I would not change a minute of our lives together.

One of the things I regret the most about myself when I was younger was not being upfront with my feelings when a friend or a partner hurt me. You are wondering whether to invite her to your wedding because you no longer trust she has your well being at heart and dislike having to justify your relationship to issues she raised while drunk. Said so to her. Tell her. Said to her what you've posted on this thread.

One thing I've learned in life is that regrets and resentments never bring anything positive. It's much better to confront an issue with a friend, difficult as it may be, than letting it fester unacknowledged. You are hurt by her comments, let her know so. Her answer to you raising the issue head on will tell you if this is just a hiccup in your friendship or she's someone you no longer want in your life ans invite to your wedding.

She was rude.
It was unnecessary.
But she has form with her "blunt"🙄opinions.

You need to think about your friendship with her.

Blunt is just a cover word for rude and tactless IMO, not qualities I want in a close friend.

Marriage isnt good for women so she's right

It's not just an age thing.

My friend rang her BF at my DH’s stag do to tell him - loudly enough for everyone to get the gist - that she thought I thought I was making a huge mistake. She was on the way home from my hen do and fairly pissed. It caused a bit of a stir at the time. But 20+ years on, I’d just laugh about it. Lots of people don’t really like the people their friends get married to. The secret of keeping the friend is not to tell them that though.

Well you're a ray of sunshine☀

I don't understand this on mumsnet either marriage is the worst thing a woman can do, or the worst thing you could not do as it leaves you unprotected. How can it be both?

@felulageller so true, marriage is terrible for women - gives us a right to share our husband’s pension after divorce, death in service benefits and widows pension often not available to non married partners, protects our share of the marital home and entitles us to 50% of husband’s assets on divorce. Totally rubbish for women, marriage 😅

100% absolutely this. This 'marriage is so bad for women' nonsense is bandied about quite often, especially on here, and it's utter tripe.

Often spouted by unmarrieds who won't get married (or change their surname) because 'patriarchy,' but then do the lion's share of the gruntwork, childcare, and domestic duties, and put their career on the backburner to be a homemaker.

Rude, nasty, bitter and most likely jealous.

My friend went on a tirade about how motherhood was not for her, she had made that decision herself, it meant a very small limited life and was extremely unimaginative.

All fine except... Nobody had asked her. Everyone was talking to me about my imminent arrival as it was my baby shower and I was due in two weeks. I'd battled through two types of cancer, was in my 40's, been single for years and was frankly floating on air with happiness.

She had never so much as congratulated me throughout my entire pregnancy and I did my best to avoid the topic altogether. I have no idea why she came to the shower.