Friend called my upcoming wedding a death sentence

[jadedgem]

My friend called my upcoming wedding a death sentence last night when she was drunk. I asked what she meant and she said well 50% of normal marriages end in divorce so with your unusual set up the odds can't be great. I got upset and she started justifying it saying well I'm just realistic it's still a good thing you'll be better protected if you do split being married anyway.. Talk about romance. I feel really hurt, how is it not a normal marriage? He's 14 years older than me, is what she's getting at, which I don't think is a scandalous difference. Of course I'm aware I will likely loose him younger than I'd like, but it's not such a huge gap that it's definite. Yes I'm also aware it may get harder in our old age as the gap widens, but if we get that far then we'll have between 20-30 years of marriage behind us which is a hardly a wasted time. He's a great person, a great husband, a great dad. We've survived a lot together, some really hard times, a stillbirth, we've come through everything stronger. I have friends who are all mainly within 8 years of their partners and more than half ended up single mums within their kids first 5 years, a smaller gap isn't a guarantee either. She's made me feel like I have to justify my relationship for the first time ever. I don't even want her at my wedding anymore

She sounds jealous to me, not to mention downright nasty. Being drunk is not an excuse to be horrible. You sound as though you have a great relationship OP, and you certainly sound like a "normal" couple to me. I would back off from this so-called friend for now, and unless a sincere apology is forthcoming I wouldn't even contact her again. I don't like people who are described as "blunt", as a pp said it's a cover word for rude and tactless. Enjoy your wedding and don't let bitter people drag you down.

I don't think the hen do is the place to mention divorce

Well maybe, but then if not then when ? When I was of the marrying age (25-30ish) I knew of 2 weddings cancelled less than a month before (big weddings) difficult for everyone obvioisly, but both people said to me better then than afterwards. Hen/stag dos are sometimes the last chance to express reservations.

Sounds like the green eyed monster to me 👹

You do what feels right for you and leave her to her own stuff and her 'bluntness.' Your life and decisions, and their consequences, aren't her business or her problem. Think I might try to brush this off, but if she's got a habit of saying things deliberately to hurt you that's different.

Tactless. But not inaccurate. Maybe there's a reason you took it so personally.

Inaccurate : 50% marriages end in divorce. I meant.

I would laugh this off. I don't get why you'd take it so personally.

Some people are very negative about marriage. When I was planning my wedding, some older women I worked with pointed out how everyone we worked with was divorced and onto their second marriage. It was like they couldn’t bear to see me happy and wanted to burst my bubble. You get people who’ll do that to you just because they don’t like seeing people being joyful. And for what it’s worth, it’s 20 years down the line in my own marriage and we are still together xxx

Oh that's just nasty. If she had genuine concerns and cared about you she'd still just choose to be there to support you how she could because she'd know how she did broach it is horrible. I don't know why she is bitter but wanting to tarnish your happiness won't help her. I'm too old to tolerate this from people who are supposed to love and cherish me. I'm pretty sure she wasn't coming from a place of love op.

I'm in the same position, getting married next month to dp who is 14 years older than me. One whole side of my family cut me off because they didn't like it. I understand somewhat, I was young when we met and if it was my child id also be concerned but there definitely wasn't anything at all weird going on and I wasn't an actual child albeit that was how they treated me. We've been together a long time, had hard times and are as happy if not happier than we have ever been. Personally I think fuck them. I'm happy, who cares what they think. They've all made their fair share of questionable decisions and this was mine, it worked out. I'm aware I'll likely be widowed but if anything it's made me do things now that maybe I would have put off.

Maybe see what she says when she's sober, but do think about what she actually brings to your life.

Have a brilliant wedding

Stick the boot in some more, that'll really help.

If your friend is younger than you, be aware that a lot of young women now wern't brought up with the notion that an older men is very desirable because he can be a better provider. They are brought up to provide for themselves and a lot of young women I know do find older men a bit off putting (thats not to say they all do or that they feel the same once they get to know someone). I was at an event recently with mixed ages socialising and one of my friends who was still at uni and aged 22 was being hit on by a man who was either 29 or 30, whom we all universally agree is good looking and pretty nice. And she said to me "X is quite hot, but I just couldn't go there because he's soooo OLD!". And she meant it, and didn't encourage him.

Perhaps its possible also that your friend also sees something that you don't? Friends are often the best barometers if your'e in a cloudy haze of being coupled up. Of course equally it could be that she just doesn't like older men. But I'm sure we've all known the friend who married an older man who aged quickly and wanted to sit in night after night with his tea and slippers. Maybe she's also concerned that he might develop a long term illness and you might spend years caring for him rather than living your own life!

I'm just posting these thoughts as devil's advocate. Theres probably nothing wrong with your husband to be at all! But if she's been a good friend there for you for years and he is relatively new into your life, don't necessarily discount what she has to say.

I thought what she said was quite funny, but maybe my wicked/dry sense of humour!

What's funny about telling someone they're likely to get a divorce at their hen do?

That's not a wicked sense of humour is tactless and rude.

Agree 100%. It's just a nasty thing to do, to say this to a bride-to-be.

And as I said earlier in the thread, I found ALL the women who badmouthed marriage and said I was a bloody fool for getting married, ALL had a string of broken/unsuccessful relationships behind them.

Conversely, the MEN who tried to put off my DH were all still married and in relatively happy marriages. It was just banter with the men, and a few of them said he was punching above his weight.

But with the women, it was ALL from single and divorced women, and IMO it all came from a place of bitterness and jealousy. As I said earlier, we are still married after nearly 25 years. And are very happy.

I hadn't been bought up that an older man was a better provider either, I met someone and fell in love the same as any other couple. We didn't know off the bat that the age difference was as big as it is, I'm not looking for a dad I'm looking for a husband. We have lived together, bought a house, had one healthy baby, one still birth, two postponed weddings. "You may become a carer one day" I mean it's a bit past that!

Me either, we just met and that was that. I didn't go looking for it, and if we did ever split up for whatever reason I wouldn't purposefully look for an older man.

We've also had two postponed weddings!

Just enjoy it op, she probably is jealous.

Ps anyone can become a carer, age isn't the only thing that can affect someone's wellbeing after all. I know it's a possibility but realistically I might well die first or need care myself. Live in the now, deal with what happens if/when it does happen. X

The original quote was a bit funny I think! Friends say silly, outspoken things sometimes. When the friend was asked to justify herself I guess the explanation wasn't so humourous, and probably not even true.