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Relationships

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Original poster

Settling- so to speak

73 replies

Chinuplippyon · 29/04/2022 23:57

I'm 35, really want a family and have had no luck meeting anyone lasting. Loads of dates and short things that haven't stuck.

A few recent experiences have been highly demoralising. Men who seem keen, well matched, we hit it off and they say they want the same things, and it just doesn't work, something goes wrong.

Most recent one quickly took to putting me down all the time, the one before developed mentionitis re a female friend who then was coming to stay with him for weeks on end for no good reason, one last year strung me along regarding being able to continue the relationship practically, the one before started to become somewhat physically abusive. These all started out so very promisingly.

To be frank, I can't be arsed and feel I'm wasting my time looking. I accept some of the problem may be me and my choices but I just don't think I will meet the right man in time to have kids. None o the above had immediate red flags. I have been very active in looking.

Sperm donation is off the table- I just couldn't afford it or manage totally solo for the next 3-4 years. It's temporary because I'm retraining but just really bad timing.

Anyway. There is a guy. We dated a couple of years ago. He absolutely adored me but I wasn't so enthused. We had a lot of sexual chemistry but little in common. On reflection, I was hung up at the time on someone who took a long time to get over. I don't think I was able to give anyone else a proper chance.

This man is very successful, clever, active, and kind. He is 'my type' physically so to speak. We just don't feel on the same 'wavelength' although we don't have massively clashing views or anything. I'll be honest, his presentation was offputting (holey clothes, sometimes smelling a bit un-fresh etc) but from recent pictures he seems to have improved that. He's genuinely a good guy, I just don't see us ever connecting on a deep intellectual or spiritual level. We don't even really share the same humour and rarely used to belly laugh together.

We have got back in touch quite randomly (we do say 'happy new year' etc) and he has asked me to go for dinner. I think he would be happy to pick up where we left off and at the time we dated, he was open to having a family and settling down.

I have written this all out quite bluntly as I am feeling quite frustrated and time pressured so please forgive the arsey tone. However, would this be a crazy thing to consider, trying again with him with a view to settling down together?

It would be a question of having dinner with him and trying to see him afresh- that is to say not overshadowed by the 'perfect' bloke who was actually anything but, and in light of the fact that all of those I seemed to have more in common with so far have not worked out.

I don't entitle this thread 'settling' as in I'm too good for him, btw, I simply mean we aren't an ideal match, very different people.

Sorry for the essay, I find writing things out helps!

TLDR: mid 30s, want kids, dating has been shite. Should I give it a go with an old flame who is genuinely decent and very keen on me but I have little in common with?

OP posts:

ShammyJammy · 30/04/2022 00:00

If I were desperate for DC and going it alone was a no, then I'd definitely go for dinner and see how it feels this time, knowing what else is out there.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 30/04/2022 00:03

I think going on a date with him is pretty low stakes. I hope things work out!

Original poster

Chinuplippyon · 30/04/2022 00:07

Thank you! Date seems a good idea.

I suppose what I meant to ask is that if the date and any subsequent dating goes well, given that my expectations are quite tightly managed- would the idea of settling down with someone I feel this way about be a terrible one?

OP posts:

Sunnytwobridges · 30/04/2022 00:41

I think you should go on the date before worrying about this. You may meet him and you click and it might not be settling. Or you meet him and he’s definitely not the one. So go on the date first and see how it feels.

many many people settle. I think it depends on your tolerance level for the incompatibilities that you have. I have a low tolerance so I am not one that would do well with settling as I will grow resentful. But some people can roll with it as long as there is harmony and they get the main things they wanted out of the relationship.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 30/04/2022 01:03

Just go on the date & see what happens.
I'm now divorced from what I thought was my Mr Right as over the years he showed that he was really Mr Wrong in disguise.

My DP well I thought he wasn't at all my type to start with but with hindsight I can now see he was Mr Right from the start.

At the end of the day I think having shared values is the most important thing e.g. do you agree on important matters/principles/ethics.

Monty27 · 30/04/2022 01:08

As long as he knows your agenda OP 😲

Cameleongirl · 30/04/2022 01:12

Go on the date, but tbh, friendship is the basis of successful longterm relationships, so if you don’t have any common interests and don’t really connect intellectually, I doubt it’ll last.

Then you’ll have children with someone you don’t get on with and who could even end up hating you for pretending to care about him. That would be a nightmare.

phizog · 30/04/2022 01:28

Nothing wrong with being more realistic about what matters and what compromises you can make. But from what you've described, these are big compromises! You are turned off by his personal hygiene and you don't have much of an emotional connection, he doesn't make you laugh. Could you really live 50 years of mundane domesticity with this? I think at the minimum someone with good personal hygiene is important as it only gets worse with age and kids/lack of time. And feeling emotionally connected is what will hold you together when things are rough.

Definitely go on the date to see how you feel but if none of these aspects are changed - ask yourself if 35 is really too old to settle? I get the fertility urgency but honestly you could still struggle to conceive and be stuck with this man. Or you could hold out a bit longer and then find someone to settle with. Ask yourself - if you couldn't have kids for some reason but were married, would this man still be enough for you for a lifetime? Because if not, you're looking at certain divorce.

Musttryharder2021 · 30/04/2022 02:59

So you're too poor to go it alone and in a roundabouts way will be using him as you can't make it work financially alone?
You won't be the first or the last woman to do this in order to get a 'family'.

Can you afford to get fertility checks done? If you're already at a critical stage, very low ovarian reserve or blocked fallopian tubes for example which is possible, it may not be worth getting together with him.

xfan · 30/04/2022 03:10

Maybe he isn't as desperate as you think he is? Go on a date and ask him how he feels starting a family in the next 12-18 months.

As it's been pointed out already, you or him or both of you may have fertility issues and TTC could be time consuming, potentially very invasive and expensive and take a long time with no positive outcomes. How do you feel about that?

sammylady37 · 30/04/2022 06:07

Wow. Poor chap.

Florrey · 30/04/2022 06:23

Lots of people don’t have children with The One. They split up for various reasons and coparent successfully. As long as he’s a decent man who’d be a good father and support the kids financially. And you agree on the major things like religion, discipline, school, etc. Then I think it’s fine to have children with someone you don’t love. Let’s face it - it’s better to have children, home, marriage, companionship, and no love - than it is to have none of those things. Four out of five is better than nothing, which is what you’re facing at your age.

Buildingthefuture · 30/04/2022 06:34

Go on the date and see how you feel. It could be that you didn’t give him a proper chance before and you may feel differently now. I met my DH at work but the first time I met him and for about a year afterwards, I thought he was a compete knob! We’ve now been together for 17 years, married for 12 and are very happy, but if you’d told me that would happen in the first year I knew him, I would have laughed my ass off!!
I’m not sure though, about you using this man to have kids if you don’t really feel it with him? Personally, I think that’s a receipt for disaster and, at the very least, you would have to be blatantly honest with him about you really feel? But that’s jumping the gun…go on the date and go from there……

GetThatHelmetOn · 30/04/2022 06:37

You cannot use a sperm donor because you cannot do it alone for 4-5 years?

Sorry Op to break the news but most women settled in unhappy relationships/single parents will tell you the same, that they are doing everything alone and that the parent of their children is their main burden and their main source of stress.

It is much easier to parent alone, than parent alone in a bad relationship.

Go to the date and see how it goes but don’t sell your soul for a baby.

STARCATCHER22 · 30/04/2022 06:54

If you don’t really have much in common and it didn’t work out before, I’m not sure why you think it’s going to work out when you add a child into the mix.

Co-parenting with a man who you didn’t have much in common with to begin with isn’t going to be easy (if you break up). I would also assume that he wouldn’t be too thrilled to find out you used him to get pregnant because you couldn’t afford to do it alone and therefore used him for his money/child maintenance.

girlmom21 · 30/04/2022 06:58

If you don't think he'll be a lifelong partner please don't waste 5 years of his life and then only let him see his children part time.

Lampan · 30/04/2022 07:00

What makes you think a relationship with him wouldn’t fail after a while too?
I would meet him and see if your feelings have changed at all knowing how few decent people are out there. But I think it’s awful to ‘settle’ if that means pretending to him that you have feelings etc. You would end up resenting each other.
Another thing, he may have moved on. Don’t assume that, just because he was super keen at one point, that he always will be.

Paq · 30/04/2022 07:05

Go on a date with him in case your feelings have changed but don't "settle". It will end badly and it's deeply, deeply unfair to him. Your desire for a child does not trump his right to honesty and a relationship with someone who is 100% committed to him.

(Imagine if the positions were reversed, some bloke saying "yeah, I don't think we have much in common but the sex is hot and I want to have kids soon so she'll do.")

Joystir59 · 30/04/2022 07:08

I would cramp my style by settling down with someone for the sake of bearing a child. Just be your glorious self and live your life. Develop your career, interests, friendships, and see what comes. Why is having a child the be all and end all? By all means go on a date with him, with no expectations and an open mind. But no, I don't think you should settle unless there is a genuine spark of love, kindness, affection. Something other than your head telling you that you are running out of time.

Joystir59 · 30/04/2022 07:09

*I wouldn't cramp my style

Original poster

Chinuplippyon · 30/04/2022 07:13

Thank you so much for all your responses.

I know exactly how this sounds hence the 'poor chap' response. However, it would be looking to go into this completely open hearted with a view to making things work with someone who simply isn't a great match from the off, rather than a cynical attempt to use someone for kids and financial security.

I suppose I've seen couples work like that where one side was besotted (I accept his feelings might have cooled and will presumably find out over dinner), and the other treated them well but didn't have quite the same strength of feeling.

In terms of values, I would say we do have similar values overall. He doesn't support political or family ideals, for instance, that I am massively turned off by. I don't think we would clash over where to live, how to bring up kids etc.

I get that this could well end in being a single mother anyway (if we did successfully conceive). I could make this work medium to long term, it's just the very early years and current financial limitations as I'm not earning, otherwise I would go straight for sperm donation. Even if we had a baby in 9 months and the relationship failed, it would be support I wouldn't have on my own.

I'm well aware this sounds a lot like using someone but essentially if he wants the same things, and genuinely still likes me, is it really, or is it making the best of things? I do care about and respect him, and enjoy the sex.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chinuplippyon · 30/04/2022 07:15

enjoy the sex I mean this as in it's not as though there's zero physical chemistry, not 'great, I'm set up for life with sex and hopefully kids, sod him!'.

OP posts:

Raindrops2015 · 30/04/2022 07:16

I went for a date years ago while trying to get over an ex. I went into the date with a mindset we wouldn't be compatible. I spent the whole night really enjoying myself but praying he wouldn't try to kiss me or hold my hand. He was an absolute gent, we had differences but also enjoyed each others company. I really regret that I wasn't ready to pursue things with him.

Give it a go! Don't feel like you're "using" someone to have a baby. It's totally fine and rational to want to meet someone nice and stable to start a family with.

Joystir59 · 30/04/2022 07:44

Just go on the date. See what transpires. You are overthinking.

Original poster

Chinuplippyon · 30/04/2022 07:49

Thanks Raindrops yes this is it.

It took me about 2 years to get over this guy. Wildly disproportionately to the time we spent together but we just 'clicked' and would spend whole nights talking and laughing. That kind of thing. It ended horribly. I can think of at least 2 other stable, kind, honest and intelligent men who could have potentially made great partners that I met in this time but couldn't really focus on.

The idea of working on building something with someone stable and decent is starting to look a lot more attractive than seeking out someone who is an immediate love match and the highs and lows that come with that.

OP posts:

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