Settling- so to speak

[Chinuplippyon]

I'm 35, really want a family and have had no luck meeting anyone lasting. Loads of dates and short things that haven't stuck.

A few recent experiences have been highly demoralising. Men who seem keen, well matched, we hit it off and they say they want the same things, and it just doesn't work, something goes wrong.

Most recent one quickly took to putting me down all the time, the one before developed mentionitis re a female friend who then was coming to stay with him for weeks on end for no good reason, one last year strung me along regarding being able to continue the relationship practically, the one before started to become somewhat physically abusive. These all started out so very promisingly.

To be frank, I can't be arsed and feel I'm wasting my time looking. I accept some of the problem may be me and my choices but I just don't think I will meet the right man in time to have kids. None o the above had immediate red flags. I have been very active in looking.

Sperm donation is off the table- I just couldn't afford it or manage totally solo for the next 3-4 years. It's temporary because I'm retraining but just really bad timing.

Anyway. There is a guy. We dated a couple of years ago. He absolutely adored me but I wasn't so enthused. We had a lot of sexual chemistry but little in common. On reflection, I was hung up at the time on someone who took a long time to get over. I don't think I was able to give anyone else a proper chance.

This man is very successful, clever, active, and kind. He is 'my type' physically so to speak. We just don't feel on the same 'wavelength' although we don't have massively clashing views or anything. I'll be honest, his presentation was offputting (holey clothes, sometimes smelling a bit un-fresh etc) but from recent pictures he seems to have improved that. He's genuinely a good guy, I just don't see us ever connecting on a deep intellectual or spiritual level. We don't even really share the same humour and rarely used to belly laugh together.

We have got back in touch quite randomly (we do say 'happy new year' etc) and he has asked me to go for dinner. I think he would be happy to pick up where we left off and at the time we dated, he was open to having a family and settling down.

I have written this all out quite bluntly as I am feeling quite frustrated and time pressured so please forgive the arsey tone. However, would this be a crazy thing to consider, trying again with him with a view to settling down together?

It would be a question of having dinner with him and trying to see him afresh- that is to say not overshadowed by the 'perfect' bloke who was actually anything but, and in light of the fact that all of those I seemed to have more in common with so far have not worked out.

I don't entitle this thread 'settling' as in I'm too good for him, btw, I simply mean we aren't an ideal match, very different people.

Sorry for the essay, I find writing things out helps!

TLDR: mid 30s, want kids, dating has been shite. Should I give it a go with an old flame who is genuinely decent and very keen on me but I have little in common with?

Is your question “would I be mad and wrong to (potentially) marry and have babies with someone I (likely ) don’t have strong feelings for?”

I did this, maybe not totally consciously, but deep down I knew he wasn’t right for me (no belly laughs, ever)

i now have beautiful babies, a lovely house, and a secure and pleasant life . I feel dead inside.

as other have said, go on the date and see, that’s fine.

But if you still don’t feel the way you know you should - well, if I had a time machine I’d go back and stop myself having a second date with my now husband. So I guess that should be my advice to you .

Remember there's no such thing as perfect, plus people change. Go into a relationship with realistic expectations, and having different interests is actually fine if everything else works as long as he is willing to support you in your interests sometimes and vice versa (this is crucial and my exh did not despite him expecting me to support him!)

Wow @FireFireQuick thats so brutal and honest but resonates so much with me.

I was a little obsessed with my now dh. I fell for him big time and then after 6 months (we had been friends for about a year or so prior) we got together.
He was the first man who had shown a real interest in me in that way.
I got very sucked up into the magic of things and as we got further into our relationship things started to not quite feel right.
We had problems, but I was so hooked and I think blinded by the fact that I was getting older and no men had even showed any interest until I was almost 21 so I clearly wasn't a catch. What if this was my chance?

The further we got, the more it felt like id "settled".
We now have 2 beautiful kids, a home and a life, but I wouldn't say my marriage makes me happy.

I would definitely go on this date and see how you feel, but don't settle if you don't think you can have a happy and fulfilling life with them.
Once you have kids it feels like you are stuck, it changes your options and means all your choices impact them. So you might end up with a mundane life, of no excitement, no sex and feel lost and unsure what to do next.

Overthinking! It’s one date!

This is pretty much how I felt a few years ago.. Though I didn't want kids. Met someone absolutely gorgeous and sweet who was very interested in a serious relationship with me, but felt like we really didn't have anything in common, different senses of humour, no deep meaningful conversations, no political chats (which I enjoy) he was 6 years younger etc etc. Plus I'd not long got out of a long and horrible relationship, so was really only interested in fun (which I was honest about!). Anyway, just over 2 years later we've bought a house, have a 1 year old (yep, that was an oops 😂). I couldn't be happier. We still don't have a huge amount in common, but we definitely laugh a lot together now. I do think couples over time become more like each other anyway.. It just happens, you discover more about each other, your humour becomes similar etc.
Anyway, I say go for it!!

I get the overthinking replies but tbh, unless he turns up gushing about how he's fallen for someone else then I've a pretty good idea on how the dinner will go as I've known him years now. It's just trying to think what happens next and how I handle this further down the line if he is still interested and this is a possibility. Not being arrogant and saying I'm unforgettable or irreplaceable or anything, just for some reason this chap took a real shine to me that didn't seem to wear off (maybe it has now!).

I like the fact that he doesn't have an edge. He's not perfect but there's no game playing with him at all. Thst is starting to feel quite refreshing and, dare I say it, exciting, especially compared to the last man I was with who was a bit of a crazy maker with all of his negging and denying saying things.

What a lovely story! I'm so glad it worked out!

@Chinuplippyon tbh in my experience. Relationships that started with "fireworks" and "passion" went quite dead after a few months and I was left with a selfish man who let me pay for everything, went distant and went looking elsewhere cos they were bored. I think there's a type that can sweep you off your feet and make you feel so special and loved but it's all bullshit. The 2 relationships I had with genuine love were slow burners. No saying "I love you" in the first 3 weeks and presents every date.

Vjasper86 and firefirequick thank you so much for your insight. This is what worries me tbh.

We are just so different. It's like, he is a very accomplished and compassionate person but lives in a very shiny, well behaved, business-y bubble whereas I have done well for myself too (not as well as him financially) but in a slightly more convoluted way and would describe myself as a bit of an outsider. I dunno. I can see us being a good balance on paper, it's just again, those chats, the humour, the understanding each other deeply.

The way I see it, you can either go looking for an abstract ideal and maybe never find it, or you can choose between the real people in real life who want to be with you. The first is a hiding to nowhere IMO.

think there's a type that can sweep you off your feet and make you feel so special and loved but it's all bullshit

Preach!! Especially on OLD. I think that aside from genuine love bombers, where it's more obvious with some it's a matter of them seeing someone they fancy or see potential in then frontloading all this stuff and then running out of steam without ever having properly got to know you or given you a chance. This leaves you just warming up to what you thought was a special connection and being left hanging. The one who strung me along was like this. Very much so. Also the one who ended up being verbally unpleasant.

Switch it around. You're essentially using this guy for sperm.. if someone you liked was using you purely as a vehicle to mother his kids, how would that make you feel?

You're overthinking it. Go on the date and see how things go.

Although from what you've written, he sounds pretty good to me. I can't really see the negatives aside from looking a bit scruffy.

You say he's a genuinely nice person, sexual chemistry, good sex...... I can count on one hand the amount of guys I've had that with - those 3 things aren't to be sneezed at, in my opinion.

Also, for what it's worth, myself and my husband don't have any shared interests and never did from the start. It's never been an issue. He's a good husband and great dad.

Obviously the date is fine.. but if you continue after and don't feel an attraction, that's where my comment above applies. And you'll probably grow to resent him in time.

I know one woman who did this. She desperately wanted kids / family and so did he. SHe was pretty open with him about the fact that while she was willing to give it a go, that she was really in it to have kids (and not for him).

They got married. Still together almost 20 years later! However their marriage has never been conventional in that they are really co-parenting in the same home. They have always had separate rooms and worked oppostie shifts for much of the time. I don't think they have really ever had much of a sexual / romantic partnership but they get along well and it works for them as a family. On the flip side, both have sacrificed finding a partner they love - having kids and being a family seems more important to both of them than having a romantic / sexual partner.

I don’t think you should worry so much about the nothing in common (except do you have enough in common that you could spend nice weekends together?), but you need to be able to laugh together.
But if you were not seeing things clearly due to your ex, then I’d give it another go and see if you get on any better.

Lots of people 'settle', more than would like to admit to I suspect.

I did to some extent, I didn't really need to but thought it was what I wanted at the time. My ex-DH was perfectly nice, we got on well, and had fun together but pretty quickly it became (for me anyway) more of a friendship. I stuck around for long enough but there was no attraction there, no spark, no passion (and I mean at either end of the scale - no arguments, no wild sex) and eventually it just wasn't enough for me, and I left him.

My mum settled, and me and my brother are the results, but I was determined not to. I didn’t have kids because I didn’t want to have the same marriage as my parents - rubbed along most of the time but had nothing in common and did a lot of things separately.

I would have loved to have kids, and considered going solo but wouldn’t have been able to afford childcare on my own (my parents both died early and I’m on an administrator’s salary). I met someone that I really wanted to be with when I was almost 48. We have enough in common and enough differences to make it really work, and two years later he’s very much a part of my life. I grew to love my single years very much, and have no regrets about the decision I made not to settle.

I’d go for it. Get to know him. Do you have friends for the chat and deep conversations? I’m fine not having those in my relationship as I have lots of friends and a couple very on my wavelength politically that I can chat with. My partner is more for sex (which you’ve said is good), hanging out with and doing family stuff. They don’t need to be my best friend. It’s hard to describe but my partner is the most important person to me and who I spend most time with. But they aren’t my best friend. But then I really like sexual chemistry so perhaps I get what I’m given.

@Chinuplippyon

So much of your back story is similar to my own, including the part about finding it refreshing for a man to have no ‘edge’ and not be playing games - this was very much my DH, and it was definitely a large factor in my decision to persevere with our relationship despite a little voice in my head telling me I really ‘wasn’t that into him’.

what I would say though is that having good sexual chemistry is a definite plus, that I never had, so perhaps don’t read too much into my story!

as others have said , give it a go, and that can mean more than just one date of course.

But I think that if in a few months you are still doubting your connection, and you know you would be ‘settling’ if you let it get more serious, then in all honesty I would avoid that path.

good luck!

I’m another in the “poor bloke” camp.

He asked if you’d like to get dinner and you’ve already created this future where he gathers your children and you’re not ultimately too concerned around whether the relationship lasts or not. Has it dawned on you that perhaps this man who like to live with his future children in a family unit with a wife who loves him and actively wants to be in a relationship with him?

I'm not earning

Why not?

If you’re not earning, you’re not in a position to raise a child.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re willing to take advantage of this guy as his sperm is free and he’ll contribute towards maintenance.

Definitely go on the date, try to be relaxed but listen to your gut.

My anecdote:
I attempted to settle, at 32, with a lovely, harmless no-edge old friend who wanted all the same things as me but I knew deep down didn't "get me" mentally and left me frustrated whenever I wanted to talk about ideas or feelings.

We were soon trying unsuccessfully for a baby. I ended up with anxiety due to the cognitive dissonance of trying to ignore my gut and the voice in my head telling me he wasn't right for me. Cue fairly horrible breakup.

I'm so glad we didn't have a child together now!

I wasn't going to mince my words based on your opening post. I find the question "should I settle" extraordinarily self-centred. Yes, you want babies, but more important than that is the effect on this man who deserves an honest relationship with someone who actually loves him, and even more important than that is the effect on those hypothetical children. All the adults I've met who were products of a loveless home where one parent "settled" for the other grew up with all sorts of dysfunction to work through. It fucks them up good and proper, basically. Is your desire for babies really more important?

How would you feel if, a few years down the line, you found out your husband had settled for you? Never loved you, never fancied you, just wanted the conventional family man image.

How would you feel about telling him your plan so he could at least make a decision knowing what was up? Would you feel awkward or bad? I wonder why that would be?

How would you feel if a man proposed that plan to you? "I'm not that into you but I want a family and you're into me, how about it?" That sounds like a shit deal to me.

However based on your updates... you seem to be a bit more into him than in your OP. You respect him, you enjoy the sex, but you're just very different people. I don't think "different" is the same as "incompatible". You don't need the same interests or backgrounds to build a healthy relationship.

I would go on another date with him. See if anything's changed, see if you see him in a new light. But don't lie to yourself and don't take him for a mug. If there's still nothing developing, don't settle.

I'm a solo mother by choice and have used sperm donation to conceive my son. I am on an average salary and have a mortgaged property but no family nearby. It is possible to make it work financially as there are specific childcare benefits which go a great way towards helping you pay for it. I am going back to work after 6 months and my son will be going to a local nursery full time. I love being in control of my parenting and decision making and I know that I never have to share my son with anyone in case of a relationship breakdown.

If you're fortunate enough to conceive easily and have a healthy pregnancy and a live birth your partner will become less of a priority in every way.

What you need to think about in case there is a relationship breakdown, and there are children, how you would cope on your own (and he doesn't turn out to be a good coparent).

Go on a date sure but don’t put so much pressure on this that this will be the one you settle down with, have kids etc. I get that time is ticking but too many kids ( including some I know) are bought into the world in relationships like this for this reason and are now in the middle of separated parents as they got the child they wanted then split up.