Settling- so to speak

[Chinuplippyon]

I'm 35, really want a family and have had no luck meeting anyone lasting. Loads of dates and short things that haven't stuck.

A few recent experiences have been highly demoralising. Men who seem keen, well matched, we hit it off and they say they want the same things, and it just doesn't work, something goes wrong.

Most recent one quickly took to putting me down all the time, the one before developed mentionitis re a female friend who then was coming to stay with him for weeks on end for no good reason, one last year strung me along regarding being able to continue the relationship practically, the one before started to become somewhat physically abusive. These all started out so very promisingly.

To be frank, I can't be arsed and feel I'm wasting my time looking. I accept some of the problem may be me and my choices but I just don't think I will meet the right man in time to have kids. None o the above had immediate red flags. I have been very active in looking.

Sperm donation is off the table- I just couldn't afford it or manage totally solo for the next 3-4 years. It's temporary because I'm retraining but just really bad timing.

Anyway. There is a guy. We dated a couple of years ago. He absolutely adored me but I wasn't so enthused. We had a lot of sexual chemistry but little in common. On reflection, I was hung up at the time on someone who took a long time to get over. I don't think I was able to give anyone else a proper chance.

This man is very successful, clever, active, and kind. He is 'my type' physically so to speak. We just don't feel on the same 'wavelength' although we don't have massively clashing views or anything. I'll be honest, his presentation was offputting (holey clothes, sometimes smelling a bit un-fresh etc) but from recent pictures he seems to have improved that. He's genuinely a good guy, I just don't see us ever connecting on a deep intellectual or spiritual level. We don't even really share the same humour and rarely used to belly laugh together.

We have got back in touch quite randomly (we do say 'happy new year' etc) and he has asked me to go for dinner. I think he would be happy to pick up where we left off and at the time we dated, he was open to having a family and settling down.

I have written this all out quite bluntly as I am feeling quite frustrated and time pressured so please forgive the arsey tone. However, would this be a crazy thing to consider, trying again with him with a view to settling down together?

It would be a question of having dinner with him and trying to see him afresh- that is to say not overshadowed by the 'perfect' bloke who was actually anything but, and in light of the fact that all of those I seemed to have more in common with so far have not worked out.

I don't entitle this thread 'settling' as in I'm too good for him, btw, I simply mean we aren't an ideal match, very different people.

Sorry for the essay, I find writing things out helps!

TLDR: mid 30s, want kids, dating has been shite. Should I give it a go with an old flame who is genuinely decent and very keen on me but I have little in common with?

If I'm honest, there is something about him, and us together that I am really attracted to. It's just h0tXberns point about getting each other mentally, maybe we just need to dig a bit deeper. We have shared really personal stuff in the past but it can kind of get frustrating.

Darhon yes, I definitely have close friends to talk to about the deeper things so if I could compartmentalise like that it would be absolutely fine. Perhaps I've been a bit unrealistic in wanting a partner with that connection on all levels.

It seems that you are attracting abusive sorts and seeing it too late though so personally I wouldn't be dating anyone right now. Especially as you now have the added pressure of wanting a family so will likely ignore more bs than you did in the past.

Sorry to be blunt but I kinda think if you are not in something long term with someone you love and trust wholeheartedly - kids are irrelevant and you shouldn't be thinking about them at all. Exception being if you intend to have them alone (eg: through a sperm doner).

You haven't even got to stage one of dating someone yet. Kids are like stage 6! I'd say put them out of your mind completely for now.
What kind of role model would you be to them if you settled for someone you didn't even love to have them with anyway?

You've got self work to do First. You can't patch that shit up with children. You gotta learn to love yourself and practice making better choices when it comes to leaving people who treat you bad. Otherwise, your kids will continue the.cycle of picking unsuitable partners and letting them walk all over them.

Being a mum is not an entitlement, it's a privilege. Sort yourself out first. And once or...IF you find someone you love one day, who treats you like you deserve, THEN you you consider children.

I feel sympathetic towards your need to start a family, but I'm concerned that you will be swept away by the excitement of a new relationship, and that will disguise some important differences between you. That would happen with anyone, but I think there is a strong risk of it here.

He is your type physically, he's successful, and there no big political or value differences......and that's it??? Are you really happy with that?

I just don't see us ever connecting on a deep intellectual or spiritual level. We don't even really share the same humour and rarely used to belly laugh together

If there is a lot of 'settling' in a relationship, it often results in a very lonely dynamic years down the road. It can be sufforacting and feel like you are living a fake life. You might be together for a long time if you have children. What's going to happen if he gets ill or when he starts ageing? It's the shared laughs, the deeper connection that helps a couple through that.

@FireFireQuick Textbook example.

Sorry, but I mostly agree with this one @VodselForDinner

As I say, the low earnings are because I am retraining. This is not permanent but I don't safely have 3-4 years to wait.

I guess you're at the mercy of any man now if you aren't prepared to consider going at it alone and by that you could now freeze your eggs via an IVF cycle, or even create embryos using donor sperm for potential future frozen transfers.

At least have a consultation at a Fertility clinic for a few hundreds of pounds to see what your fertility looks like now.

Lots of men 'say' they want a family but they know the reality which is that once a child/children arrive they're no longer your priority and don't actually want to be second best. He may end up stringing you along for company.

Don't talk yourself into settling. You would feel doubly horrible if he turns out to be a bastard or leaves you as you would have no "great memories" of the brilliant beginning you would have with someone you are actually excited about

Plenty of people have happy arranged marriages and come to love each other. Throughout history most marriages were those of convenience- the idea of romantic love is a modern construct, and does not hold up too well when we look at the divorce figures. Go on your date - and - settle if you want to. You can still be a great partner and mum and have a happy life together.

Plenty of people never really get to love each other but learn to tolerate on another for the sake of keeping up appearances

Both parties in arranged marriages know what the deal is before they get into them.

(As women should we really be holding up the arranged marriage model in 2022? While I know that some women are still happy to enter into them, every woman I know from that background has done her utmost to break away from the expectation. Romantic love might be a construct but most people I know prefer to take their chances on it rather than have their family tell them which man to marry.)

Apparently up to 70% of people settle! You wouldn’t be the first. I have always thought that if the sex is good then you can work on things. I would be more concerned if you didn’t fancy him and the sex was poor.

You sound quite focused on getting pregnant are you panicking that time is running out? I don’t think you should settle sorry.

But lack of laughter together is a big worry, no? Life is a convoluted journey. If you can't laugh together I don't know if you will make it

A fundamental part of any relationship is friendship - do you actually like each other, to the point where you really trust and respect each other, as well as enjoy each other’s company? Without this, if it’s only passion and sex, any relationship is unlikely to last.

I think you risk ruining your life @Chinuplippyon . Like other PP's that have gone for someone they weren't really into and now feel stuck for life.

You will be ok financially on your own even if you're not earning- women manage on UC etc.

Do you have any male friends who could help you out with trying to get pregnant?

Go on the date! There is no harm in exploring your relationship further. Just take it slow and see how you both feel about reconnecting. It’s the only way your are going to know how you truly feel.

also look at your differences as compromises, if you are happy to compromise in those areas then you are not settling for anything. We all have to compromise in life!

I hope it goes well!

I think as you age you realize that the percentage of people who get the both in love, happy (ish) marriage is not that high. Nad very hard to predict early on. Some just work out in a good way and while I am sure what the two people do contribute to that, so much of compatibility seems to develop along the way and you just can't know until you are in it.

A lot of marriages are ones where people are still together because of convenience or ease or familiarity and they aren't what one would call a romantic loving marriage but it still works for both parties. It is just a little more unusual to go into one with that being the plan. However you can never know how any marriage will go and so every one is a gamble no matter how it starts.

I have changed my tune over the years and now think nonconventional marriages can be just as successful in their own way as long as both people are on board and fully consenting to the decisions being made. The fall madly in love with the love of your life is something that only happens for a minority of people...everyone else's marriages have to either adapt or end or be miserable.

Thanks all! It's not that we never laugh or anything, just we don't have that easy shared humour together or crack each other up.

He's smart and aware and very analytical so we can talk about current affairs, religion, world politics, etc, even silly gossip. There's not nothing there, it's just not that feeling of clicking together in multiple ways that happens when there's a strong connection.

To try and explain, I feel like he's always been very 'on message' and done things the right way, which sometimes feels a bit sterile (not to criticise him, just being honest about how I feel) and I am a bit more messy. Very different upbringings. I've had quite a lot of adversity and whilst his life hasn't all been easy- parental expectations, cultural stuff etc- we can't share stories of difficult or wild times. I have to be honest and say that I find it a bit hard to relate to someone just doing all the right things and having a simple, sporty, very affluent life. I feel quite messy and rebellious compared to him although I have 2 degrees, had a successful career, have travelled lots and am now retraining in something I never expected to get into.

In some ways, if I am totally honest, ive never admitted this- possibly I don't feel good enough for him. I suspect his family may see it that way although he made clear that they wouldn't influence any relationships he had.

I would definitely trust him. He's a genuine good egg. He can trust me too, I wouldn't have one eye elsewhere, I feel like I have exhausted my search and the intrigue of dating etc.

purplehue

Re male friends yes a couple actually who I have discussed this with but both too complicated in terms of what they want from our relationship, it wouldn't be a simple platonic co parenting set up, they would want to try romantically and I have far less chemistry with or feelings for them than the OP guy although they are lovely men.

You have realised that 35 your fertility time is finite. You wil both just use each other to get what you want, or at least to attempt to get what you want which are children. If he suddenly changed his mind on having children, would you still be interested in him?

It's a bit like Charlotte Lucas in Pride and Prejudice. Some marry for true love by the rest of us aren't so lucky.

See him and see? Would you want to have sex with him?

It's a bit like Charlotte Lucas in Pride and Prejudice. Some marry for true love by the rest of us aren't so lucky.

@RiverSkater In those days. Nowadays we have more options to get by by ourselves.

@Chinuplippyon Perhaps this bloke would be up for the sperm assisting role?

I think you should go for it.