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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's work relationship

59 replies

Rainydaize · 27/04/2022 19:13

He has a colleague. Always talks about her. Always phoning her in the evenings etc. Just found a message from him to her blowing her a kiss, her saying "Love you!".

He's saying it's in a jokey way. I've said I don't feel it's an appropriate comment to make to a colleague.

I'm devastated and he's saying I'm overreacting

AIBU?

OP posts:
LostSocksBrigade · 27/04/2022 19:23

It doesn't sound innocent, does it. I'd be devastated too, would he be happy if the tables were turned? I can't imagine he would be.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 27/04/2022 19:28

I wouldn't be happy

mummmmy14 · 27/04/2022 19:29

I wouldn't be happy. you're not overreacting! its about boundaries xx

WTF475878237NC · 27/04/2022 19:31

I'd be upset too.

He's not going to say, "well I'd quite like to stay here with you and have sex with her when I can too..."

What else can he say but play it down?

Myturnatlast · 27/04/2022 19:34

I could have written this post 7 years ago. We're now divorced, he's living with the colleague and I'm with an amazing man who knows how to love and respect me.
Not saying your case is necessarily the same but at the very least he's disrespecting your relationship by carrying on like this.
If you're not happy with him carrying on like this he needs to stop.

totallyoutnumbered · 27/04/2022 19:35

No you're not. He's gaslighting you OP

1FootInTheRave · 27/04/2022 19:39

Completely inappropriate.

Imo, this is very likely already an affair.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/04/2022 19:41

Yanbu.

dollface22 · 27/04/2022 19:44

I'm so sorry op @Rainydaize any behaviour like this from him in the past ?
Do you know what they talk about in the evening phone calls is it work related?
Men & women collegues can be friends and close but even in a joking way love you would come into it !

Could you contact the woman for her version ?
Sorry your going through this I've had it happen to me x

Soultrader · 27/04/2022 19:45

Id be furious!

stripeyflowers · 27/04/2022 20:01

Jokey way my backside!! I am furious on your behalf!

Ryah76 · 27/04/2022 20:07

YANBU- my husband had a ‘work wife’ .. we’re now getting a divorce and they are together.

GalactatingGoddess · 27/04/2022 20:09

I hope it's innocent but it's likely not, just based on the many threads of this sort on here. X

stripeyflowers · 27/04/2022 20:15

And the 'always phoning her in the evenings.'?

Is this in front of you?

Does he say what he's phoning her for?

Mamabananananana · 27/04/2022 20:15

get him TOLD !
id ring her. Why not? She obviously thinks its reasonable behaviour to be chatting to a married man of an evening?
call her and tell her to back the fuck off, unless she wants you to come down to her office and tel" her there.
hopefully shell be so mortified that she leaves it be.
DH may have a "crush" but they can easily get out of control - ie : ending texts with "love you"
He needs to get a grip.

toddlingabout · 27/04/2022 20:16

1FootInTheRave · 27/04/2022 19:39

Completely inappropriate.

Imo, this is very likely already an affair.

Yup

Original poster
Rainydaize · 27/04/2022 20:18

😭

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2022 20:26

Bollox to that!!!!

courtrai · 27/04/2022 20:36

OH once had someone who worked to him who called herself his 'work-wife'. She absolutely boiled my piss. I'd never tolerate it again

gamerchick · 27/04/2022 20:40

Id go nuts if I found a message like that. One message to her saying she can have him and he's on his way and his arse would be out.

MsDogLady · 27/04/2022 21:44

Mentionitis
Messaging Kisses and Love You
Nighttime Calls
Defensive Manipulation/Blame Shifting

I am sorry,@Rainydaize. This is infidelity. His downplaying that it’s a joke and accusation that you’re overreacting are standard cheater’s manipulation to make you back off and get in line.

Get angry, @Rainydaize. You shouldn’t tolerate this players’s disrespect and contempt. I would absolutely be showing him the door.

Is this the same partner you mentioned in October? At that time you were separated because of domestic violence.

funnylittlebunny · 27/04/2022 21:56

Have you asked him how he would feel if a male colleague was calling you every evening or you calling them ?

splishsplashsploshsplish · 27/04/2022 22:00

Sorry @Rainydaize but no

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 27/04/2022 22:19

My boss sometimes messages me and says love you but only when l have been to the shop and got her favourite lunch for her - this is so wrong op and fuck him saying you are overreacting.

EarthSight · 27/04/2022 22:29

Rainydaize · 27/04/2022 19:13

He has a colleague. Always talks about her. Always phoning her in the evenings etc. Just found a message from him to her blowing her a kiss, her saying "Love you!".

He's saying it's in a jokey way. I've said I don't feel it's an appropriate comment to make to a colleague.

I'm devastated and he's saying I'm overreacting

AIBU?

He's having an affair right in front of your eyes.

He's calling in her in the evenings??? Many people don't even call their closets relatives or close friends that often. He'll push it to see exactly how far he can take this, but it's already too late. In my opinion he's shown that he's not willing to be loyal or commit to you.