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Original poster

DH's work relationship

59 replies

Rainydaize · 27/04/2022 19:13

He has a colleague. Always talks about her. Always phoning her in the evenings etc. Just found a message from him to her blowing her a kiss, her saying "Love you!".

He's saying it's in a jokey way. I've said I don't feel it's an appropriate comment to make to a colleague.

I'm devastated and he's saying I'm overreacting

AIBU?

OP posts:
seensome · 27/04/2022 22:53

His behaviour is enough to LTB now, or rather kick him out! don't put up with that crap.

Original poster
Rainydaize · 27/04/2022 23:10

Thank you so much for replying. I've cried a river tonight. I'm so scared of losing him. He's saying that's how his office interact and there's nothing to it, it's casual banter.

OP posts:
dollface22 · 27/04/2022 23:56

@Rainydaize u need more proof op more than just his say so before u go ending your marriage as pp say it's not always black n white. Yes he may have been cheating on you or may have completely crossed the line n it's just txting flirting etc which is it something you can forgive ?

I'm not saying how he's treating you is right it's disgusting but before you decide your future do it when your calmer n have had time to think rationally n ideally get some solid evidence if you can.! Good luck xx

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2022 23:59

Do you know what gaslighting is? Because that's what your husband is doing to you.

He is cheating, make absolutely no mistake about that. Stop crying and get angry. Kick the lying, cheating arsehole out.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2022 00:01

dollface22 · 27/04/2022 23:56

@Rainydaize u need more proof op more than just his say so before u go ending your marriage as pp say it's not always black n white. Yes he may have been cheating on you or may have completely crossed the line n it's just txting flirting etc which is it something you can forgive ?

I'm not saying how he's treating you is right it's disgusting but before you decide your future do it when your calmer n have had time to think rationally n ideally get some solid evidence if you can.! Good luck xx

Ignore all of this. It's absurd. What's happening here is 100% black and white.

Lalliella · 28/04/2022 00:06

Can you hear his phone conversations with her? What do they talk about? It does sound very suspicious, sorry OP Flowers

11stonesomething · 28/04/2022 00:11

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

MsDogLady · 28/04/2022 00:53

He’s saying that’s how his office interact and there’s nothing to it. It’s casual banter.

@Rainydaize, he is lying to you. Please don’t allow him to bamboozle you.

Sending love and kisses is cheating. He is also having evening ‘phone dates’ with this OW. He couldn’t care less about your feelings and boundaries.

Find your anger! He needs a sharp consequence, so send him away and reevaluate the marriage. You deserve much better than this faithless Loser.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/04/2022 00:58

Rainydaize · 27/04/2022 23:10

Thank you so much for replying. I've cried a river tonight. I'm so scared of losing him. He's saying that's how his office interact and there's nothing to it, it's casual banter.

I bet he can't show you an example of him sending a similar message to a male colleague. It's not banter, what's the joke?

Sunnytwobridges · 28/04/2022 01:38

You’re far from overreacting.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 28/04/2022 02:33

Ask him to show you the texts with his other colleagues as well then, and why he isn't ringing them up in the evenings?

Have you children with this man @Rainydaize? Do you own or rent a property together? I only ask because I had a similar thing happen to me, and he left me for her. But that doesn't mean that the same will happen to you, just try and be prepared in case he either leaves you, or admits that they are having (even an emotional) affair, so that you can decide what you want to do. Either way it would probably be a good idea to start getting your ducks in a row.

I am so sorry that you are going through this Rainydaize and even if he is just being a stupid idiot, please remember that you have choices, and that so many of us here have been through similar, so we can give all sorts of support and advice if you want it - now, or in the future 💐

seensome · 28/04/2022 10:37

Don't be scared of losing him, what he's doing is very disrespectful to you. Unfortunately if you pretend it's not happening, the longer he carries on doing this. He's brazen enough to do this in front of you and not care about your feelings.
He's not worthy of keeping.

seensome · 28/04/2022 10:39

'Banter' is code for flirting, just downplaying it.

BlimBosh · 28/04/2022 10:48

Oh OP, you must be so hurt !

What an arsehole.

Iwonder08 · 28/04/2022 11:17

It can be an office banter. I've seen examples of that, between both male and females. However calling her in the evenings regularly is not appropriate, that would make me question it. Talking about her often is also a bad sign. If he parks this aside under 'banter' concentrate on out of hours frequent communication

layladomino · 28/04/2022 12:09

Oh bless you OP. This is so inappropriate. Noone needs to call their colleagues regularly in the evenings (certainly not for non-work stuff) and colleagues don't say they love each other.

And even if they did, when their wife said she didn't like it, a normal response would be to say ' I can see why you wouldn't like me telling another woman I love her and spending my evenings talking to her, so I'll stop doing that'.

He is either having an affair or working his way up to one, or dreaming of doing it. Even if it's the latter and he wouldn't go the whole hog, his current behaviour is very wrong.

If it's just office banter then he won't mind putting a complete stop to it will he?

Remember your value. You deserve better treatment. I think I would tell him that his behaviour is inappropriate. You deserve better. You won't beg. If he wants her then he can go and get her, but that will be the end for you.

Original poster
Rainydaize · 28/04/2022 14:49

Thanks everyone. We spoke last night and he finally understood why I was uncomfortable with it. I feel so empty today and so tired.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 28/04/2022 15:34

The good old ' you're over reacting'. First thing out of their mouths, isn't it.

I'm so sorry OP. He doesn't get to tell you have to react when you've seen love messages from another woman on his phone.

I would insist on seeing ALL their messages to each other. If he hasn't deleted them.

If he has deleted them, well, I think there lies your answer regarding the 'its just banter' part.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/04/2022 15:41

Rainydaize · 27/04/2022 23:10

Thank you so much for replying. I've cried a river tonight. I'm so scared of losing him. He's saying that's how his office interact and there's nothing to it, it's casual banter.

Does he tell his male colleagues that he loves them?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2022 15:48

Rainydaize · 28/04/2022 14:49

Thanks everyone. We spoke last night and he finally understood why I was uncomfortable with it. I feel so empty today and so tired.

He's always known, he just doesn't care. He isn't going to stop. He's cheating with her.

dollface22 · 28/04/2022 16:31

@Aquamarine1029 how is it absurd ?! It's good advice when you have zero clue about what is happening in her life.. yes I agree it's screams he's cheating but until MNetters tell her to sign the divorce papers I SAID she needs solid evidence or his confession at least for legal proceedings AND also her own sanity.

So how can u no 100% black and white he's cheating when op doesn't even no 100%! She's reached out for advice and this is my opinion so gladly take yours and respect others

layladomino · 28/04/2022 16:37

How long did it honestly take him to understand why you might not like him telling another woman that he loves her, flirting with her, and spending his evenings on the phone with her?

He knew from the start it was wrong. He just hoped you'd not find out or shut up and accept it.

What is he going to do about it now? Is there a risk he will just pay lip service and carry on? Or was he genuinly contrite and appalled at his behaviour, to the extent you believe he won't do it again?

I really hope it was the latter, OP, because you deserve better.

Justkidding55 · 28/04/2022 16:45

I have a colleague I call my work hubby and we do stuff like that. But there’s nothing romantic in it, his GF is actually like a model and ridiculously gorgeous and I look like a swamp monster so the thought it would be more is laughable. It may be nothing OP xx

Didimum · 29/04/2022 07:29

@Justkidding55 Are you married/have a partner? Just because your partner is fine with it, or your work colleague’s girlfriend is ‘presumably’ fine with it (is she? Who knows), that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. Everyone has their own relationship boundaries and their partner bring cutesty, loving and affectionate with someone else can understandably one of them.

PenelopeLively · 29/04/2022 08:02

It’s when the mentionitis stops that you need to worry. Sorry op, he’s crossing lines.