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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's work relationship

59 replies

Rainydaize · 27/04/2022 19:13

He has a colleague. Always talks about her. Always phoning her in the evenings etc. Just found a message from him to her blowing her a kiss, her saying "Love you!".

He's saying it's in a jokey way. I've said I don't feel it's an appropriate comment to make to a colleague.

I'm devastated and he's saying I'm overreacting

AIBU?

OP posts:
PenelopeLively · 29/04/2022 08:02

@Justkidding55 that’s good but it’s about attention not looks.

Bunty55 · 30/04/2022 03:39

Don't waste your tears on him OP. He is a liar and a cheat. My partner works in an office with women. He never messages them or calls them. Why would he?

Butterfly44 · 30/04/2022 04:18

Have you asked how he'd feel if you did that to a colleague - calling a guy, sending him kisses, him saying love you. Would he be ok with that? Or would he feel you carrying on doing that was disrespectful to your husband.
Also imagine friends family knowing about all this - what does he think there reaction would be? That they would think it's all fine and dandy or they'd have an opinion that it's not right. If you have kids how would he feel about them knowing, and how he's treating their mother. If he was an outsider and heard this being retold by a friend, would he think that was ok or feel sorry for the wife?
He doesn't have to be a sheep and join in "office banter". He can portray he respects his wife and family. People would think more highly of him and have more respect than they do currently. As I can imagine they secretly are thinking 'poor wife' anyhow

Starlia · 30/04/2022 04:31

I really enjoy office banter. Have a lot of it going on where I work.
But I never say I love you to colleagues.
I never call them every evening to talk.
I don't talk about them incessantly.
Your DH needs to treat you as the priority relationship in his life.
I'm so sorry he isn't treating you with respect.

Monty27 · 30/04/2022 05:21

It's screaming out at you. It's under your nose. I hope I'm wrong but it's not looking good.

Eeedee · 30/04/2022 10:30

100% this!!! This was the flag I missed. He was always mentioning her, caught him on the phone to her once, told him how uncomfortable I was with it and that it felt like dangerous territory, and she was never mentioned again.

Turns out that he started sleeping with her right after this and I didn't hear her name mentioned for the next 2 years. He just got very depressed, unhappy, blah blah and it was all my fault... The script.

I don't know how you can turn it around at this stage as he already sounds besotted and will be resentful of you trying to come between them. Watch out for any signs that the inappropriate communication is continuing under the radar.

cantbelieveheletmedown · 30/04/2022 13:01

Eeedee · 30/04/2022 10:30

100% this!!! This was the flag I missed. He was always mentioning her, caught him on the phone to her once, told him how uncomfortable I was with it and that it felt like dangerous territory, and she was never mentioned again.

Turns out that he started sleeping with her right after this and I didn't hear her name mentioned for the next 2 years. He just got very depressed, unhappy, blah blah and it was all my fault... The script.

I don't know how you can turn it around at this stage as he already sounds besotted and will be resentful of you trying to come between them. Watch out for any signs that the inappropriate communication is continuing under the radar.

Currently going through this!!!

Eeedee · 10/05/2022 00:39

I've just seen this reply, and I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. The torment and psychological torture this caused was horrific so I empathise with everything you're feeling. Hoping you can see a way through this all. The only advice I would have is to be very cut throat and take no shit. Assert your boundaries and follow through. I wish I had done that instead of spending years turning myself inside out trying to fix something that I had no idea was even happening. Needless to say we're divorced now and he's terribly regretful, but it took everything collapsing and real repercussions for that realisation.

Hawkins001 · 10/05/2022 00:52

All the best op

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