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Original poster

Husband prefers porn to sex with me

74 replies

Laurashell1983 · 26/04/2022 12:11

So just wanting opinions or whether I'm being dramatic or not. Basically I saw his phone on the side and I'm aware I shouldn't, but had a look at his search history. Lots of porn coming up at least every other day, including some times kids were about.. and times id left the house and literally a few minutes later that was what he was searching for. I'd say our sex life was pretty sporadic and that it might only be once a month.. So I brought it up with him in terms of why he was looking so often? I don't mind porn now and again but surely this often it's got to be having an effect on our own sex life? Does he really prefer sitting on the toilet on his phone to a real life woman? Can't get my head round that bit. He reckons it's normal and all men watch porn but I cant imagine there's many that look at it to this extent?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2022 12:28

It might be normal as far as he's concerned but we all have acceptable levels of 'normality' - even if that's no porn at all-- I've got the same issue has you , I found out totally by accident a few years ago when checking out our router stats to see if we had been hacked as was getting a load of weird adverts come up. He still doesn't know that I know though. To be honest he's capputed his own sex life in my case as I simply don't fancy a sex life with someone spending their time trawling through hard core porn sites most days in secret and yet pretending they aren't interested in it at all.

WesleyNeverDies · 26/04/2022 12:33

All men do not watch porn, men use that as an excuse and women say it to excuse their own DP/DH.

You are perfectly entitled to be uncomfortable with it, even to say it's a deal breaker. The fact is porn does have an effect on relationships, sexually and emotionally. Using it also enables an industry that abuses and exploits people.

YRGAM · 26/04/2022 13:03

Porn is like any potentially addictive substance, if it's being used at the expense of your relationships then it's a problem. I would have an honest conversation with him about it if you think it can be kept civil. Have there been bedroom issues between you before? Any previous ED? Any particular pressure on sex that's appeared recently?

Pinkbonbon · 26/04/2022 13:30

Sounds more like an addiction tbh.

I could probably tolerate it if knew a partner watched it on the odd rare occasion...but every day? Yuck.

If its not ok with you then you have every right to feel that way. Irregardless of how much he watches.

But tbh op it sounds like he has a big problem.

CrumpetStrumpet · 26/04/2022 15:26

He sounds like a porn addict.

I wouldn't tolerate it. He is minimising your feelings by saying all men watch porn. You are entitled to be upset.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

girlmom21 · 26/04/2022 15:31

For me the bigger issue is that it's affecting your sex life. Speak to him about that.

UrslaB · 26/04/2022 15:32

You say you brought it up with him but then you don't tell us what he said in reply. Did he actually outright say he prefers porn to sex with you or are you assuming this? Maybe he is just using the porn as a substitute to get him through the dry patches as you yourself admit your sex life is sporadic and sometimes once a month.

If that isn't the case and he did indeed say this then it could be a porn addiction or a sign of a deeper issue in your relationship.

The fact he was watching porn while he was meant to be with the kids is particularly worrying whether he said it or not.

Shunter350 · 26/04/2022 15:35

I'll put my oar in here.
I'm a 57 year old guy.
Out with a relationship I've looked at softcore porn... sorry I know that will offend.
In a relationship.. no.. the real thing is so much better. The warmth, touch, silly noises and giggles.
Porn is cold and soulless.
No comparison.

Lsquiggles · 26/04/2022 15:37

I'd say our sex life was pretty sporadic and that it might only be once a month

Is this something you've both decided or do you/does he want to have sex more?

I think the porn is neither here nor there unless he's rejecting you for it

hamstersarse · 26/04/2022 15:38

YANBU

It's grim

Interestingly there is a whole swathe of men who are rejecting pornography now because of the harms it does for them

It gets them addicted, lazy, selfish, unmotivated and generally living in a virtual world.

Maybe tell him real men don't watch porn

Or ditch him

Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2022 15:38

Your husband prefers porn over you. That's your cue to leave.

Original poster
Laurashell1983 · 26/04/2022 17:18

The reason is sporadic is because of him, not me. I've had times I would initiate but be turned down by him and tbh it's effected my self esteem.

When confronted on it he mainly said that he doesn't have a problem and has periods when he doesn't look at it but I'm not sure I believe him on that. He also took offence to me looking at his phone which I guess is fair enough.

He has been complaining of being tired alot and I think maybe porn is just an easier option? He doesn't seem to think it's an issue that he was watching it whilst looking after the kids, presumably he just put the TV on and went off to watch it which I find pretty grim.

Or maybe it's just i don't fancy sex that mimics porn and that's the only thing that turns him on.

Thanks for your replies, appreciate it

OP posts:
lady725516 · 26/04/2022 17:22

My DP watches porn very very occasionally, wouldn't hide it from me and we have a healthy sex life.
If he was watching it multiply times a week and it was having an affect on our sex life it would be an issue for me. Sound like your husband is addicted to porn.
Sorry OP, this must be a tricky situation for you

Jimbo1008 · 26/04/2022 18:26

Most men like a bit of porn but a good man loves his wife

greasyshoes · 26/04/2022 21:34

All men do not watch porn, men use that as an excuse and women say it to excuse their own DP/DH.

Virtually all of them do. Imagine you're a teenage boy in the late 90s or early 00s. It's very unlikely any of the girls you know want to have sex. So what do you think teenage boys did in this situation?

WesleyNeverDies · 26/04/2022 22:19

@greasyshoes

Yes, I imagine many of them looked at porn. Society has done a very thorough job of telling men from the age of boyhood that all men watch porn anyway, who cares, it doesn't hurt anyone, any woman who complains about it is just being a killjoy, etc etc. The bar has been set very low, and yeah, many men just accept that low bar.

Wauden · 26/04/2022 22:26

I wonder whether any men stop to think about the harm done to some of the women in the porn industry. Some are coerced into it eg passports are taken away from them.

greasyshoes · 26/04/2022 22:48

I wonder whether any men stop to think about the harm done to some of the women in the porn industry. Some are coerced into it eg passports are taken away from them.

Well what's the alternative?

Bunce1 · 26/04/2022 23:02

my dad watched porn in the home when I was a kid in the house and I caught him masturbating twice. It messed me up. And destroyed my relationship with my dad.

greasyshoes · 26/04/2022 23:07

@Bunce1 While I shudder at the thought of catching a parent masturbating, I think it's a real stretch to say it can "mess you up".

Littlebylittlelittle · 26/04/2022 23:16

greasyshoes · 26/04/2022 21:34

All men do not watch porn, men use that as an excuse and women say it to excuse their own DP/DH.

Virtually all of them do. Imagine you're a teenage boy in the late 90s or early 00s. It's very unlikely any of the girls you know want to have sex. So what do you think teenage boys did in this situation?

That’s exactly how a woman can tell the difference between a teenage boy and ho never grew up and a man
exactly why many women see ‘ men who use porn as immature and undesirable to have sex with

Littlebylittlelittle · 26/04/2022 23:17

greasyshoes · 26/04/2022 22:48

I wonder whether any men stop to think about the harm done to some of the women in the porn industry. Some are coerced into it eg passports are taken away from them.

Well what's the alternative?

So men are unable to respect women or
do you think men are unable to masturbate without the high speed porn of today

ifs actually laughable that you have to ask that question

Littlebylittlelittle · 26/04/2022 23:18

greasyshoes · 26/04/2022 23:07

@Bunce1 While I shudder at the thought of catching a parent masturbating, I think it's a real stretch to say it can "mess you up".

And yes for a woman seeing her father using porn can change how she sees him FORVER

sonething tells me you have no idea of the harm the porn industry causes to women and girls

Bunce1 · 26/04/2022 23:19

@greasyshoes fuck you.

How dare you assume?

Stichintime · 26/04/2022 23:23

Thats a horrible comment to make to Bunce1, greasy. Of course growing up in a house with porn messes you up.