Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband prefers porn to sex with me

74 replies

Laurashell1983 · 26/04/2022 12:11

So just wanting opinions or whether I'm being dramatic or not. Basically I saw his phone on the side and I'm aware I shouldn't, but had a look at his search history. Lots of porn coming up at least every other day, including some times kids were about.. and times id left the house and literally a few minutes later that was what he was searching for. I'd say our sex life was pretty sporadic and that it might only be once a month.. So I brought it up with him in terms of why he was looking so often? I don't mind porn now and again but surely this often it's got to be having an effect on our own sex life? Does he really prefer sitting on the toilet on his phone to a real life woman? Can't get my head round that bit. He reckons it's normal and all men watch porn but I cant imagine there's many that look at it to this extent?

OP posts:
Littlebylittlelittle · 26/04/2022 23:24

Bunce1 · 26/04/2022 23:19

@greasyshoes fuck you.

How dare you assume?

He thinks there’s no alternative to porn and he obviously thinks it’s harmless
he’s clueless and needs to educate himself
I’m sorry @bunce

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 26/04/2022 23:30

Porn is a total deal-breaker for me, I find it degrading to women, and also on a personal level I view it as cheating. I guarantee you that not all men use porn. But many men will say that all men do, to try to make women accept it. It's up to you how much you accept.

greasyshoes · 26/04/2022 23:45

@Stichintime Thats a horrible comment to make to Bunce1, greasy. Of course growing up in a house with porn messes you up.

How so? I looked at pornography as a teenager, and it didn't do any harm to me.

It's only nudity. There are many cultures in which nudity is normal, and they're not messed up.

CrumpetStrumpet · 26/04/2022 23:52

@greasyshoes Porn isn't just nudity though is it? If only it was!

Modern day pornography is 99% of the time centred around the degradation and humiliation of women. I personally do not want to to be with a man who finds that a turn on.

Littlebylittlelittle · 26/04/2022 23:53

greasyshoes · 26/04/2022 23:45

@Stichintime Thats a horrible comment to make to Bunce1, greasy. Of course growing up in a house with porn messes you up.

How so? I looked at pornography as a teenager, and it didn't do any harm to me.

It's only nudity. There are many cultures in which nudity is normal, and they're not messed up.

Yeah it clearly did so harm to you as you believe it’s ‘only nudity ‘
Porn is far from only nudity . The industry is repeatedly in trouble for abuse of women and girls , for illegal and unethical treatment if girls
yoy clearly don’t care one bit about that
what research have you done about how the industry treats women and girls and why do you think an industry that is constantly in trouble for the abuse of women is only nudity ??

Littlebylittlelittle · 27/04/2022 00:01

@greasyshoes

how much do you care about the abuse of women and girls in porn ?

StoneRoses22 · 27/04/2022 00:10

I recognise greasyshoes username, ding feed the troll

StoneRoses22 · 27/04/2022 00:11

Don't, rather!

LightGreyLight · 27/04/2022 00:25

Porn is a total deal-breaker for me, I find it degrading to women, and also on a personal level I view it as cheating. I guarantee you that not all men use porn. But many men will say that all men do, to try to make women accept it. It's up to you how much you accept

Agree with Ididntknow it was a party, word for word.

And as people have said porn is not now about simple nudity. It’s something much darker.

I have a strong suspicion that men who are into porn are pretty weird sexually. The only man I went out with who I suspected this of had a very odd taste (ick) in sex, was robotic and passionless. Sex with such men is pretty much a jerk-off 😕. It degrades us all, somewhere along the line.

Littlebylittlelittle · 27/04/2022 00:38

OP so sorry didn’t mean to hijack your thread . There’s always gonna be men who have a warped relationship with porn coming in these threads to try and lecture women about how it’s only a bit of harmless fun of to gaslight and troll . Tell her omen how they should feel I think stone rose is correct indeed
The reality is that you are under no obligation to believe his nonsense about it being normal for men
It was once considered normal for men to beat their wives - so long as the stick was no thicker than their thumb - hence the rule of thumb
You can bet there were women saying this is bs even back then who had others telling them ‘to be silent , it’s normal ‘
As you can see I have issues with the ethical side of the industry but others may feel it is more about their relationship and may have different deal breakers . You can have whatever boundaries you feel are right . Porn is not some god given right of mens . You don’t need to justify to them either
Go with your heart . If you feel it’s affecting your relationship you have every right to tell him your boundaries . He of course doesn’t have to accept them , he can leave but what he can’t do is keep acting ad if porn is something you have to accept it lie about it.
Id say this issue is strongly about knowing your boundaries and standing up for them .

Same1977 · 27/04/2022 00:53

It's could also be that porn is a symptom of the problem not the problem itself.For example when I was pregnant I didn't want to have any sex so my partner and I didn't have any for over a year.He was watching porn (in secret ) to no doubt help himself.
There have been times where in have watched porn even when not in a mood for sex.When I was doing sully hours st work years ago I had dex drive yet zero energy any people watch porn whilst rubbing one out.
It's liek fast food...doesn't stand close to home cooked meal but if you got no energy or wish to cook then it's a quick fix.

Same1977 · 27/04/2022 00:55

As far as abuse of women in porn...well its not a nise industry nor is textile in 3rd world countries yet we all shop on highstreet,nor is farming and yet we have no problem to consume these products.

Littlebylittlelittle · 27/04/2022 01:02

Same1977 · 27/04/2022 00:55

As far as abuse of women in porn...well its not a nise industry nor is textile in 3rd world countries yet we all shop on highstreet,nor is farming and yet we have no problem to consume these products.

I read your first post and can respect people have different views however ad to the second point I have to disagree
yes all abuse is horrible . I see the sexual abuse of girls ad particularly heinous . I personally don’t want to support these platforms that are repeatedly getting in trouble for having abusive content
I also try to buy ethically . Sometimes harder to know when we purchase how products we need are produced but we can try . Mostly I like to buy local or from those I know if possible
the porn industry on the other hand has a long and jaded history . It’s not a need . Why say oh well everything ‘ could ‘ consist of abuse , just so they can get some sexual kicks

Littlebylittlelittle · 27/04/2022 01:04

@Same1977
just to be clear . if you choose to acknowledge the abuse in the industry and yet use porn anyway that is your decision .
My issue was with greasy claiming that it’s harmless fun and that theirs nothing wrong with it . he seems to not even acknowledge that the industry is problematic .

Same1977 · 27/04/2022 01:09

Littlebylittlelittle · 27/04/2022 01:02

I read your first post and can respect people have different views however ad to the second point I have to disagree
yes all abuse is horrible . I see the sexual abuse of girls ad particularly heinous . I personally don’t want to support these platforms that are repeatedly getting in trouble for having abusive content
I also try to buy ethically . Sometimes harder to know when we purchase how products we need are produced but we can try . Mostly I like to buy local or from those I know if possible
the porn industry on the other hand has a long and jaded history . It’s not a need . Why say oh well everything ‘ could ‘ consist of abuse , just so they can get some sexual kicks

Show quote history

I know what you mean and we'll done for taking a moral highground on these issues.
Majority of people however are not ignorant of every day suffering we support with our pounds and yet we continue.I just think porn is an easy scapegoat.
Besides to say that 100 percent of porn is bad and is abuse would be wrong.
Just trying to show a different perspective to the Op.It is not nice to be in this situation however it is not that bleak and a good conversation would be in order.
We are humans and we are not perfect

Littlebylittlelittle · 27/04/2022 01:21

@Same1977
Yes absolutely agree , I think the OP will benefit from seeing various womens perspectives, their personal boundaries and how they view it for sure

Gotmynewshoes · 27/04/2022 01:37

Porn is assumed consent at it's best

Bobthescammer · 27/04/2022 01:38

Same1977 · 27/04/2022 00:55

As far as abuse of women in porn...well its not a nise industry nor is textile in 3rd world countries yet we all shop on highstreet,nor is farming and yet we have no problem to consume these products.

As someone trafficked into the sex industry, I would much rather have been trafficked into a factory. I’m sure the women and children trafficked into factories would not want to escape via the sex industry.

Littlebylittlelittle · 27/04/2022 01:42

Gotmynewshoes · 27/04/2022 01:37

Porn is assumed consent at it's best

Absolutely . I think people use that as an excuse to not think a little more about it even though they know the issues
as same1977 said , we know the issues with stuff we consume we can either choose to ignore them or not .., and a lit will resolve around the payoff to us vs how strongly we feel about the ‘issues ‘
I don’t think I’m taking any high ground I’m just simply thinking that a bit of sexual fun at someone’s expense is not worth it
it’s about what you think the line is . I think many things are exploitative however porn takes it up a notch and as much as I love animals I can’t compare the exploitation of women and girls to farming , especially not when it’s for the sake of entertainment

Gotmynewshoes · 27/04/2022 01:42

But putting the ethics of it aside, to replace your wife with porn isn't acceptable. I'm sorry you are going through this OP. You absolutely don't have to put up with it. I hope for your sake your husband grows up. I saw a study that showed that porn use reduces empathy in relationships. Well, full stop. Probably as a coping mechanism for the degradation.

Littlebylittlelittle · 27/04/2022 01:44

Bobthescammer · 27/04/2022 01:38

As someone trafficked into the sex industry, I would much rather have been trafficked into a factory. I’m sure the women and children trafficked into factories would not want to escape via the sex industry.

Show quote history

Having personal knowledge of similar I can confirm I feel the same

Gotmynewshoes · 27/04/2022 01:44

I don’t think I’m taking any high ground I’m just simply thinking that a bit of sexual fun at someone’s expense is not worth it

I completely agree

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2022 02:54

Same1977 · 27/04/2022 00:53

It's could also be that porn is a symptom of the problem not the problem itself.For example when I was pregnant I didn't want to have any sex so my partner and I didn't have any for over a year.He was watching porn (in secret ) to no doubt help himself.
There have been times where in have watched porn even when not in a mood for sex.When I was doing sully hours st work years ago I had dex drive yet zero energy any people watch porn whilst rubbing one out.
It's liek fast food...doesn't stand close to home cooked meal but if you got no energy or wish to cook then it's a quick fix.

I think the fast food is an excellent analogy.

Porn can be used to supplement a relationship and I don't think it always means there is something wrong. There might be days when some quick relief is wanted at the end of the day - and masturbation allows fast, selfish relief without having to put effort into pleasing another person. And no one should be shamed for wanting that sometimes - masturbation is perfectly healthy, even within a relationship. And some people find porn is a help in achieving that - there are lots of different types of porn, and there are many women who are very willing participants, although of course there is also areas of real concern too.

Generally I have no problem at all with my partner using porn. Wouldn't/doesn't bother me. It's not better than me, and it's a pale shadow of real sex. I don't feel replaced.

I think the problem is when sex and intimacy between a couple has dwindled and the man claims to be uninterested in sex, yet is using porn. I think that is highly problematic and needs a serious conversation.

I know my views on porn are unpopular on MN, hence why I'm commenting to provide a balance of opinion. But I do think, despite my comfort with a partner using porn, that it must be considered in terms of the relationship overall and whether it's just a masturbation aid or a mechanism to avoid sex. Two very different things.

Littlebylittlelittle · 27/04/2022 03:22

@SpidersAreShitheads
And some people find porn is a help in achieving that - there are lots of different types of porn, and there are many women who are very willing participants, although of course there is also areas of real concern too.’

You clearly understand that there are issues and choose what you watch carefully …

the issue is that there are some people who don’t see the issues of real concern or don’t care and who think it’s all harmless fun @greasyshoes . As we witnessed above . I would argue these men don’t see ( possibly through choice the abuse ) or don’t care and therefore support use sites they come across regardless of what material those sites may be offering . A classic example is the high number of sites promoting teen porn . Literally how does a man know they are of legal age . Certainly I’m not happy to be with someone who just turns a blind eye and says oh the websites check especially considering so many have been in trouble for not !
If a woman is fine with her partner using porn that’s her choice but I’d say she should think twice before assuming he is being careful what he watches or careful not to use platforms that support abuse or illegal activity . Id in the least be wanting to have a very open conversation about this and wouldn’t be assuming all men care less

Bunce1 · 27/04/2022 07:58

I was a bit scared to come back to this thread. But thank you to the posters who stood up for me. Means a lot. 😌

Swipe left for the next trending thread