Husband prefers porn to sex with me

[Laurashell1983]

So just wanting opinions or whether I'm being dramatic or not. Basically I saw his phone on the side and I'm aware I shouldn't, but had a look at his search history. Lots of porn coming up at least every other day, including some times kids were about.. and times id left the house and literally a few minutes later that was what he was searching for. I'd say our sex life was pretty sporadic and that it might only be once a month.. So I brought it up with him in terms of why he was looking so often? I don't mind porn now and again but surely this often it's got to be having an effect on our own sex life? Does he really prefer sitting on the toilet on his phone to a real life woman? Can't get my head round that bit. He reckons it's normal and all men watch porn but I cant imagine there's many that look at it to this extent?

Ugghh the 'all men watch porn' line. I hate it.
They don't.
Porn ruins relationships. I've added a few articles which helped me when I discovered my now ex husband's porn addiction. But honestly? I'd run

fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-damages-consumers-sex-lives/

fightthenewdrug.org/10-reasons-why-you-should-not-let-your-boyfriend-watch/

www.bustle.com/articles/67827-6-reasons-why-its-okay-to-not-want-your-partner-to-watch-porn-when-youre-in

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/mens-lives-ruined-pornography-arent-angry/

verilymag.com/2016/03/porn-addiction-marriage-relationships

I think the “other industries are bad too” is an extremely weak argument. Humans need to eat and be clothed the bad practices are a by product of that. The porn industry is specifically there for degrading woman to get people off - that’s the very reason for its existence - so it is a different and far worse sort of evil..

Humans do need to eat but how many pay more for high welfare meat,how many avoid kebabs due to slaughter practises,do we pay more for clothes made decently and not by 12 year old girls etc?
No most don't.
And if the man was watching exclusively porn where men are actually degraded wouldn't change the problem at hand?

I am amazed how nobody is picking up much bigger problem in the relationship.Lack of trust and respect for privacy.I would be well pissed off off if someone snooped on my browsing history.I don't have anything to hide but it is not acceptable.There are much bigger issues than porn here

Not all porn is about degradation of women, nor is it true that this is the form of porn that all users consume, nor is it true that porn use is invariably harmful in a relationship.

Making unqualified blanket statements doesn't really add anything to an argument, because it's a giveaway that the person making them has already adopted a position, is comfortable making specious claims in order to justify it, and as a result will be totally uninterested in listening to any argument or evidence that contradicts them.

See likewise people 'guaranteeing' things that they are clearly in no position to.

I don’t think anyone believes it’s all harmful . The issue is that many of the major platforms used have been caught with harmful porn. Whether that something is people want to support is your to them

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

also yes someone who claimed all porn was harmful would show they already made a decision but then again someone who dismissed porn as harmless is doing just the same in the opposite direction

If there are entire sites where men are degraded and women are willingly without any advantage being taken of past sexual abuse are in complete control and making all the decision . Women of all ages shapes and sizes, physical ability etc given equal opportunity on this site I believe these would be a minuscule minority

@Same1977
it would be interesting also to ask the men using the type of porn if he would be fine with his wife /partner getting baked online for other men to enjoy ?
pretty sure most would say it’s cheating huh
but the bottom line is , if they are goung to use the all men do it why couldn’t women use the same excuse as so many women are stripping down online . There other excuse that it’s just looking stands up just the same for the woman too

Lol not getting baked - naked .

My argument is not that all men do it ...some women watch porn too.This is not straight up black of white just like most things.

I'm still puzzled how something that is clearly wrong (snooping and breaching your partners privacy) hasn't been picked up once on here.That is the true relationship killer

Agree snooping isn’t good . But it’s a huge problem when one partner uses porn excessively or knowing it’s a deal breaker and lies about it
I think that’s what pushes the other to snoop
some people have a strong gut feeling but don’t feel confident enough to leave based on that feeling alone and need to see
I find it strange that you can say the abuse in porn exists but it’s ok to use so clearly see that’s not black and white
surely you can see relationships are not not black and white either and a gaslighting or lying partner who’s doing something deceptive often results in snooping from the one being lied to simply to uncover the truth

@Jimbo1008 Yes but as you say 'a bit of porn' -- a lot of women who aren't really ok with porn might turn a blind eye to a few times a month and a bit of honesty too- but the reality is with many men that mumsnetters are in relationships with it's often virtually every day the minute they are out the house with partners who say 'they aren't that interested' . I think many intelligent women actually like to know exactly who they are in relationships with, so they can decide whether or not they want to live with /be in a relationship with someone who is addicted to porn just as you might want to know if your partner has a gambling habit or is into drugs. In my opinion it's not 'a bit of porn' that's often the problem, it's the frequency and secrecy. In the 70s how would many women have felt with a guy who whipped out his copy of Razzle virtually every day- ? You would think he was a seedy shit-- same in the 90s with a guy banging on porn VHS films 5 times a week. Just because it's easy and hard to detect doesn't make it ok for many women for your partner to be wanking off to other women's tits and fannies multiple times a week. I appreciate others feel differently and in some cases use it themselves but I do feel that many women's views are being totally ignored by those deciding it's 'normal' and the rest of us are just uptight prudes and need to get over it.

My partner doesn't look at porn, he prefers me.

If he was looking at porn rather than spending time with me, we would be over.

@Same1977

so do you think it would be hypocritical for a man to complain about his partner sharing her body online for random men to get off to if he is getting off to other women . I wasnt saying you said all men Did it . I was pointing out the double standards that exist and just using a couple of the common excuses I often hear
if it’s harmless and just ‘a bit of porn’ no touching , no damage to a relationship etc then really men shouldn’t mind that .
Guess what - most would lose their minds !
some try to claim , no the equivalent would be her using porn but for many women a naked male doesn’t do much . For many women the turn on is in being the object of desire , whereas for men it is to desire
it seems some like to claim it’s harmless fun UNTIL it’s their wife or gf

Who's the initiator of intim actions in your couple? I am not justifying him but it seems that watching porn is a habit.

Perhaps a good chat would be in order.Not attacking the man but ask what is it that compels him to watch it as often as that and if he has sex drive what is the reason it is expressed online not in the bedroom.
Could it be that he is too tired?(loom for ways to get in the mood for both )
Could it be an addiction (seek help )
Maybe there is an emotional issue in the relationship that manifest in lack of action between you two ...maybe he watches specific porn something that he wants to try and doesn't feel comfortable expressing it.
Whatever it is judgment free ,honest conversation is in order to establish each others needs and boundaries.

Virtually all of them do. Imagine you're a teenage boy in the late 90s or early 00s. It's very unlikely any of the girls you know want to have sex. So what do you think teenage boys did in this situation?

Most men are not teenage boys, and most are in a relationship/marriage, as is OP's husband.

Most men are not teenage boys,

All men have been teenage boys.

and most are in a relationship/marriage, as is OP's husband.

Teenage boys are very unlikely to have sexual relationships. That's when consumption of porn begins.

Thanks for all your input it's interesting to hear lots of different views.
He has told me he's always looked at porn and I think it's got to have an effect on the way you think about sex.
Unfortunately he's quite defensive in terms of he doesn't view it as being that often so when I tried talking to him about it in a nice way about why he looks so often he just says he fancies it and that it's not that often. He did turn it round and say fine put a parental lock on my phone then which I obviously wouldn't do..
It has made me think more about the way it is degrading to women and exploitation etc which makes me feel worse about it.

Sadly I don't think he or maybe many men would think about that part and I reckon he would think the women enjoy it, that's obviously what they act like isn't it.

In terms of it being a breach of trust with me viewing his browsing history then yes I know. But I guess it has stemmed from me having concerns over lack of sex and slight disengagement which then makes you feel like you want to know why. If I hadn't have done that id never know, just like if someone is having an affair if you don't trust your gut then how would you ever find that out? I think there's a difference between a right to privacy and secrecy? Maybe I'm justifying it.

That is pretty much messed up if he is looking at porn while minding the children, he has a porn addiction and you can be sure he is looking at it much more than you think. I was dating a guy but finished with him as it came out how much of an addiction he had and also affected his performance in the bedroom which he lied about saying it was because of bad circulation, no mate it was too much masturbation to porn and grabbing his willy too hard. Made me sick and could not be with him as all the lies, the same with any addiction and they will not stop but will fill us with lies. Tell him unless he gets some help for his addiction things will change and he should not be looking at porn while minding kids, that is gross. Hope you are ok. Believe me it is nothing you are doing wrong at all, it is just his porn addiction and he would have to work really hard to fix it.

Agree with what you said that most men think the women are loving it and that it is our fantasy to have sex with lots of men at once. Jesus they are deluded. You were right to check as your gut told you something was not right.

@Laurashell1983 Don't beat yourself up about looking at his phone lovely - I have a very lovely friend who beats herself up that she didn't look at her Hs phone years before she did and saved herself a lot of wasted time as he was up to all sorts of shitty things