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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is increasingly hard to live with, without being abusive

75 replies

IhaveaDHproblem · 26/04/2022 10:57

I have NC'd for this as it may be outing. And I will try and be concise.

DH and I both in our mid forties, two kids. He has had an episode of depression and also can be very anxious, and can also be quite difficult with issues around certain foods, dirt etc.

This morning when I woke up he told me he'd been awake since two "stressing."

But when I think about it, he's alway stressing. He doesn't seem to be making much progress career-wise. He claims we don't have any money (I don't have access to our main account, I pay my earnings into it and he puts a bit of money into my account) yet he bought an expensive car a few months ago - apparently he needed it for his business image. He bought it using money I had from an investment I made in my 20s. It's such an expensive car that he is constantly stressing about the kids eating in it etc, which is difficult on longer drives and causes arguments - our younger son now knows he can kick the car or make a mess to get a reaction.

I've now asked him to sell it, to buy a more suitable family car for about half the price, and to put the money either back into my investment or for other things like family holidays or savings so we aren't always worrying about money.

The other issue is that we are living in his home country so I have few friends here and no family.

I honestly don't think he realises how difficult and selfish and exhausting he is. It's like he just can't see it. Arguing with him is pointless - he's so rigid and set in his own point of view, and at this age I really don't think he can change.

It also feels like our youngest son is acting up in response to all the frustrations and tension in our house. We never seem to have fun as a family, it's just constant arguments, sometimes over our youngest son's behaviour and huge tantrums, which are affecting everyone. The whole dynamic feels so unhappy and I can't understand how we have gotten here, or how to get out.

He isn't abusive or violent. It's just such hard work emotionally, dealing with the kids' tantrums and then his. Any insights welcome.

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 26/04/2022 11:00

He IS abusive. At least financially.

what country are you in? What services can you access?

Original poster
IhaveaDHproblem · 26/04/2022 11:03

I don't think he would see it as financial abuse. It's how it worked out when we moved here and were setting up bank accounts. It is verging on financial abuse but he convinced me about the car and I finally agreed. Now thought it feels like a really stupid thing to have agreed to.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 11:06

What French Boule wrote.

Abuse is not solely physical in nature. Abuse is about power and control which is what he has and wants here over you. Your children are being affected by seeing this around them.

Gaspingandleaping · 26/04/2022 11:08

Yes I thought that about financial control. It's abuse in a different outfit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 11:08

No he won't see it as financial abuse but it most certainly is. This is who he is and he is not going to change. Being as he is works for him.

Where in the world are you now?. Presumably it was his idea to move back to his home nation too.

Sexnotgender · 26/04/2022 11:10

Are you saying he isn’t abusive because he doesn’t hit you?

it’s absolutely financial abuse.

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 11:11

Do you work op?
have friends?
hobbies?

Original poster
IhaveaDHproblem · 26/04/2022 11:11

I am reluctant to say where we are as this is quite outing already. But yes it was his idea to move home. It's been particularly isolating here as it feels like we are so stuck in (his) past, and it's a place that is hard to make friends for various reasons. Writing it out has just given me the motivation to look for a marriage counsellor and there is a good English speaking one quite close to us. I don't think he's going to go to therapy on his own but i might insist on this.

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 11:12

And how long have you been out there for?

SmallPrawnEnergy · 26/04/2022 11:12

He might not think it’s financial abuse but it is. I can’t believe you’re paying into an account you don’t have access to either, why did that happen? Surely you knew that was a bad idea?

Im not sure what insight you want, as you say yourself he’s so rigid even if posters advised sensible options it doesn’t seem like he would take them on board.

I would insist on access to the account first of all, or stop paying your money into it.

Original poster
IhaveaDHproblem · 26/04/2022 11:13

Yes I work. I cover about half our outgoings each month. I do have a few friends here but my hobby is also my work. I am thinking of getting out and finding a new hobby, just to meet people, but there's also a language barrier I am trying to overcome.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 26/04/2022 11:14

Can you get your own bank account I would start having your salary paid into your own bank account to which only you have access as a starting point.

he is financially abusing you as a bare minimum. Don’t tell me he can’t give you access to his account (pins/online access/adding you as a additional person to his account/give you a debit card etc).

seriously first take charge of your own finances. Then start considering your next move.

timeisnotaline · 26/04/2022 11:16

Now you are reviewing the relationship, i hope you can recognise the financial abuse. Is there some reason you can’t open your own account and pay your money into it until he sells the car, returns the money, and shares all of your financial details with you so you know where the money is? I wouldn’t tolerate my dp moaning about money for 10 seconds if he weren’t prepared to show me what was going on with the finances including what he’s done with MY SALARY. For gods sake, take a stand here and own this- you earn that salary and it’s your money. Your dh takes it and says moan moan we have no money.

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 11:17

mind boggles
you earn 50% of the family income and yet somewhere along the line you thought it was ok to be given an allowance

woman up op. He sound like a twat. Just say that you want your earnings paid in to your own account (I thought earnings could not be paid in to a joint account?)

Original poster
IhaveaDHproblem · 26/04/2022 11:17

The non-joint account came about due to him setting things up as he's fluent here and I'm not - there was no option for a joint account, it was an online one.

We opened another one and I have the card to that, but all the big bills come out of the first one which is why most money goes into it. We've been here about four years.

But yes, good advice to sort that out first. I also need to earn more, and am working on that as much as I can.

OP posts:
HappyCup · 26/04/2022 11:18

Your wages and your investments are controlled solely by him? Are you able to get yourself out of that situation? At the very least you should have known all the log in information and be able to see what was going on right from the start. It’s beyond that now though.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 11:19

Do not enter into any joint counselling with him. Its never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. If counselling is to be at all considered go on your own.

How feasible is it for you to actually return with your children to the UK?. What are legal rights like for women in his home nation?.

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 11:19

So before moving there
you had your salary paid in to your own account control over it?

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 11:20

And you only have debit cards?

Original poster
IhaveaDHproblem · 26/04/2022 11:20

Yes I can get myself out of the weird banking situation.

For some reason moving here to 'his' home, which is quite an unfriendly place culturally, made a huge dent in my confidence. I do appreciate getting a kick up the arse, it's what I need.

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 11:22

So if the only thing stopping you getting equal access to the family finances is…. Yourself. Just do it 😐

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 11:24

He was never happy in the UK was he?.

He likely wore you down over time into returning to his home nation as well. I would also think this is a place where women are seen and not heard and as second class citizens. You need legal advice urgently.

Original poster
IhaveaDHproblem · 26/04/2022 11:26

tomatoandherbs I have brought it up and he complains about the hassle of changing all the direct debits etc. It's easier to work around him a lot of the time than listen to the moaning. But you are right, I have to start pushing back.

OP posts:
Celendine · 26/04/2022 11:27

Stop paying your money into his account. Set up your own account for your wages ASAP. Regardless of which account the bills come out of ,get all your wages paid into your own account. You will then have better control over your finances.

LightGreyLight · 26/04/2022 11:38

I dislike the way the word “abusive” has come so much into the cultural lexicon. It’s a trigger word that has become a bit meaningless and when people argue about what is and what isn’t abusive, it proves the difficulty to my mind.

Here are some other words that will do just as well: nasty, unpleasant, spiteful, selfish, self-centred, thief, miserable, argumentative, insulting and so forth. You don’t have to live with anyone who is ANY of these things, end of.

Your husband is stealing from you OP for starters. Tantrums. Selfish. Etc. He may or may not have MH reasons for this behaviour. It doesn’t matter - nothing is achieved by staying with him. He’s dragging at least 2 more people down with him and it won’t help anyone, not even him. Get yourself free is my advice.

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