DH is increasingly hard to live with, without being abusive

[IhaveaDHproblem]

I have NC'd for this as it may be outing. And I will try and be concise.

DH and I both in our mid forties, two kids. He has had an episode of depression and also can be very anxious, and can also be quite difficult with issues around certain foods, dirt etc.

This morning when I woke up he told me he'd been awake since two "stressing."

But when I think about it, he's alway stressing. He doesn't seem to be making much progress career-wise. He claims we don't have any money (I don't have access to our main account, I pay my earnings into it and he puts a bit of money into my account) yet he bought an expensive car a few months ago - apparently he needed it for his business image. He bought it using money I had from an investment I made in my 20s. It's such an expensive car that he is constantly stressing about the kids eating in it etc, which is difficult on longer drives and causes arguments - our younger son now knows he can kick the car or make a mess to get a reaction.

I've now asked him to sell it, to buy a more suitable family car for about half the price, and to put the money either back into my investment or for other things like family holidays or savings so we aren't always worrying about money.

The other issue is that we are living in his home country so I have few friends here and no family.

I honestly don't think he realises how difficult and selfish and exhausting he is. It's like he just can't see it. Arguing with him is pointless - he's so rigid and set in his own point of view, and at this age I really don't think he can change.

It also feels like our youngest son is acting up in response to all the frustrations and tension in our house. We never seem to have fun as a family, it's just constant arguments, sometimes over our youngest son's behaviour and huge tantrums, which are affecting everyone. The whole dynamic feels so unhappy and I can't understand how we have gotten here, or how to get out.

He isn't abusive or violent. It's just such hard work emotionally, dealing with the kids' tantrums and then his. Any insights welcome.

I have don’t this abroad and it is a pain in the ass, so he’s right there.

But say you want it.

and surely you have access to online banking so you can see for yourself expenditure etc?

I don't think he would see it as financial abuse

Of course he wouldn't- or would claim not to think that. Very few men admit to being abusive in any way.

LightGreyLight Miserable and selfish are two words that I would also use.

He can snap himself out of when he wants to, it but being stressed and snappy is his default setting.

What I find hardest is when the kids are playing up (because they are kids and don't have emotional maturity) and I also have to deal with him getting stressed about it - he'll walk away, going into a room and switch off/shut down and generally can't cope, so every small tantrum becomes a huge drama. He has no ability to dial down the drama or calm things. It always falls to me and I am struggling myself.

Sort out the access to accounts first. You need to have equal access to money, and equal control over how you spend it. If he tries to talk you out of that, or comes up with excuses why he can't do it, he's being financially abusive. Don't accept any excuses - so what if he has to fill in a couple of forms. He created the unfair situation by taking out the account in his name only (and it sounds like there was no good reason to do that).

Once you have the finances back on an equal footing (and that includes he doesn't get to make big financial decisions without your genuine agreement - you both have equal decision-making weight) then look at the rest of the relationship.

I think counselling may be really good, but on your own, not with him.

Just re-read my message and of course you don't have to sort out the finances before looking at the rest, I was clumsily trying to say that ought to be the easy bit. Sorting out the dynamics of the rest of the relationship may take more time. Sorting out the finances should be easy (unless he tries to delay or flat refuses).

Google ‘money saving expert financial abuse’ and you’ll find an article written on 24 June 2019. Read it and you’ll soon change your mind about whether your DH is abusive.
Then decide what needs to change for you to stay, and be prepared to leave if he won’t agree to your requests.
good luck.

On a practical note, I’d get your salary paid into your own account, then you can transfer some each month into the account the bills are paid from. That way the direct debits don’t need changing.

meanmrmustandseed that's an interesting article. It does ring some bells, there's a pattern of there "not being enough money" for some things and lots of money for others. There is a lot more I could go into about his family patterns and influence but I need to deal with the here and now.

What I've realised with this car purchase is that there was money for that but not enough money for me to ever get away to visit friends, for example. I am feeling so trapped. My work is isolating and requires time alone and in that sense being here has been good for it, and so is letting him manage the money for a few years as previously it was more my job, but it's not going to work long term.

I'm going to tackle this now. I am partly to blame for letting it go on for so long.

layladominon good advice, thank you for responding.

How long have you been out there?

I am impressed that he speaks the language and his home country
and yet you secured a job in the country at the same pay as him

tomatoandherbs I am working remotely as a freelancer in English. I don't earn much but enough to cover our costs, which we keep pretty low. Just over three years.

*half our costs, that should say

Where were your children born?

How on earth did it come around that he used an investment of yours on a car that he then doesnt let anyone use.

The financial situation is borderline abusive and certainly not fair. The car needs selling and joint accounts across the board with equal money to spend on what you want.

And you need to get out and find friends.

He definitely financially abusive. He's telling you there's no money so you'll stay at home where he knows where you are and what you are doing. Sounds emotionally abusive too based on your later posts.

For 3 years?
OP he had a valid reason for setting up finances like this. Uk is brill for banking, others in Middle East… less so

but previously you had your salary paid in to your own account with presumably no issues?

so now, after 3 years, I think you can confidently arrange this yourself.

I do think that all of what you listen fit well under the cap of abusive behaviour but the reasons people use them is because they are trying to minimise abuse or use worlds in place of abuse ti act as euphemisms for abuse so people can remain in denial about experiencing abusive behaviours.

I believe the OP is experiencing abusive behaviour.

The op works
she earns as much as him
before moving to the country she had her own account
he speaks the language so set it up in her name

3 years down the line. Very straightforward for the OP to redirect her salary accordingly

Stop putting money into his account.
How do you know you're only covering half of everything?

You presumably have access to the online account? That requires no admin. Just user name and password!

He has just agreed to move accounts. Next is actually making it happen. Then I'm getting onto the car. Not to drip feed but I have a thyroid condition, that i believe I have been under-medicated for since I moved here (trying to find a decent GP is another story!!) and my brain fog doesn't help. I know I need to get out and find friends too, but again it's trying to manage work, kids, building my career, learning the language etc and finding new friends tends to come last. But I do everyone's comments. It's giving me motivation to make changes.

Well done @IhaveaDHproblem. Put a deadline to it, get him to put a reminder in his phone for a few days before, the day before and on the day.

You need to stop giving a shit about what HE views abuse as and wake up!

he’s spent YOUR money on a flash motor

you pay your salary in - that you work for - and he gives you pocket money? And you can’t access the account.

stop. Just stop

open your own account and ask what you need to put in to cover bills etc, get access to your money and the joint account if that’s where it is and regain at least equal control of the money you earn/have.

I honestly don't think he realises how difficult and selfish and exhausting he is. It's like he just can't see it.

Has it occurred to you that he knows exactly what he's doing and the effect it has, and that's the way he likes it?

That plus the taking you away from your familiar environment and moving you to one where he has all the control because of the language, and where you are cut off from family and friends for support so even more dependent on him.

I think he absolutely knows what he's doing. And that's why he won't change.