DH is increasingly hard to live with, without being abusive

[IhaveaDHproblem]

I have NC'd for this as it may be outing. And I will try and be concise.

DH and I both in our mid forties, two kids. He has had an episode of depression and also can be very anxious, and can also be quite difficult with issues around certain foods, dirt etc.

This morning when I woke up he told me he'd been awake since two "stressing."

But when I think about it, he's alway stressing. He doesn't seem to be making much progress career-wise. He claims we don't have any money (I don't have access to our main account, I pay my earnings into it and he puts a bit of money into my account) yet he bought an expensive car a few months ago - apparently he needed it for his business image. He bought it using money I had from an investment I made in my 20s. It's such an expensive car that he is constantly stressing about the kids eating in it etc, which is difficult on longer drives and causes arguments - our younger son now knows he can kick the car or make a mess to get a reaction.

I've now asked him to sell it, to buy a more suitable family car for about half the price, and to put the money either back into my investment or for other things like family holidays or savings so we aren't always worrying about money.

The other issue is that we are living in his home country so I have few friends here and no family.

I honestly don't think he realises how difficult and selfish and exhausting he is. It's like he just can't see it. Arguing with him is pointless - he's so rigid and set in his own point of view, and at this age I really don't think he can change.

It also feels like our youngest son is acting up in response to all the frustrations and tension in our house. We never seem to have fun as a family, it's just constant arguments, sometimes over our youngest son's behaviour and huge tantrums, which are affecting everyone. The whole dynamic feels so unhappy and I can't understand how we have gotten here, or how to get out.

He isn't abusive or violent. It's just such hard work emotionally, dealing with the kids' tantrums and then his. Any insights welcome.

Identifying abuse is a good thing, and this is financial abuse. It enables people to access the right resources and help.

*He has had an episode of depression and also can be very anxious, and can also be quite difficult with issues around certain foods, dirt etc.

This morning when I woke up he told me he'd been awake since two "stressing."

But when I think about it, he's alway stressing.*

I could have written this OP! No advice unfortunately, just sympathy. I long for the imaginary day when he might relax, feel alive and rested, god forbid put someone else's needs first. But there is always something.

While I am used to it I realise I've let him get away with it for years, and our DCs will be impacted by it, short and long term.

I don't think he would see it as financial abuse

Doesn't make it untrue! You pay him all your wages for an "allowance" in return and he spent your money on an expensive car that you don't need/want/agree with without telling you... he's a thieving toerag. Open your eyes … Seriously, in the nicest possible way, I wish I could give you a bloody good shake.

Absolutely agree with previous comments. You need to get your money out of that account right now. No way should you be paying your wages into an account that you have no access to and receiving a little back.
You need to call him out on his poor decision making. If he’s stressed about finances it’s his fault - he’s spending the money.
I hope you can get this sorted out quickly and set out new arrangements going forward. If he can’t afford the car he needs to sell it and buy a cheaper one.

I don't have access to our main account, I pay my earnings into it and he puts a bit of money into my account) yet he bought an expensive car a few months ago - apparently he needed it for his business image. He bought it using money I had from an investment I made in my 20s.

What the actual F OP?? Have you teletransported back to the 19th century before women could keep their own paycheque? Why on earth would you ever agree to this horrific arrangement? And the fact that he has, and the fact that he is abusing it, shows clearly that he is not a good man. He is totally financially abusing you.

OP this might be useful, ask yourself what would be his reaction if

• you asked to see the accounts right now and that you were also going to buy an expensive sports car.

I bet he wouldn't do either!

Setting up a new bank account is a bit of a hassle but so what? It's the kind of slightly annoying paper pushing that just has to be done to open an account. So he either can't be bothered or more likely doesn't want to end the flow of your money into his bank account.

Lastly, maybe he stresses about money because he's spent a lot of it including your investment on goodness knows what and that's why he won't let you see the accounts.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, OP, you sound lovely and he sounds like a crap dad and a financial abusive guy.

Ah brokenseas I know what you mean. Annoyingly I am such a people pleaser and have some degree of empathy so it's very easy for him to get away with his moodiness. I find this quality of putting up with someone because of their issues, childhood or otherwise, so bewildering in others but completely do it in my own marriage.

And yes, just to enjoy feeling alive, to feel rested, to actually enjoy life. It's so hard for some people.

knittingchamp there isn't much money to spend as I know what we've both been earning and it hasn't been much, mostly due to corona.

Yes I am not going to let up about the bank account. I know it's ridiculous that I have lost access, it's partly due to moving to a country where only he has the language to organise stuff so did it all, it took a while for me to even get my own bank card off him. It does feel like moving here has set us into far more traditional roles, and also into far more isolation as people are so much more formal and private here than I am used to.

Get your money separated off, push for sale of the expensive car and reconsider whether you want to stay and the impact of the misery he is making you live in on the kids.
I would be beyond furious that he's wasted money from your investment on himself, he sounds awful.

He IS abusive definitely financially- you don't have access to the account you pay all your salary into?? Your h bought a car you don't want from your investing money??

I'd say he's also emotionally abusive at least to your dc, who respond by tantrums and acting up. Sounds like toe all walking on eggshells around him.

Maybe your dc is picking up on your h's attitude and that's what's making him tantrum.

Your h's moods are making the atmosphere in the house so down too - that's emotional abuse.

I'd leave him. Please don't do counselling with an abuser - it's not recommended.

Can you go home with your dc?

springtimeishereagain I did agree to the car, but he did all the research and decided that was the only possible one. I've now said he should sell it and he's told me to find him one to replace it with - we both know he won't accept anything I come up with so it's an impossible task. Now lots of sad staring out of windows to make me feel guilty, but the car was a ridiculous luxury given our current earnings.

And yes the moodiness and pickiness is an ongoing problem. If I ignore it or bite back he can snap out of it, but it seems to be his default setting.

We could move home with the kids. We are going back at some point this year and I am considering bringing this expat experiment to a close when i see how that goes. We moved here for him as he wasn't happy were we were and wanted to be closer to his family, but they make very little effort and he also appears to be fairly miserable here so I'm not going to entertain that anymore.

Thanks all for advising - I know it sounds frustrating! Believe me I am taking it all on.

So basically his moods are a means of controlling you - and he wont accept any decisions that you make either

I think he is being abusive OP - death by a thousand cuts all little things designed to basically make you put his needs and wants front and centre and all the behaviours designed to keep you in line

money (I don't have access to our main account, I pay my earnings into it and he puts a bit of money into my account)

So if he died tomorrow
You stuffed ?

I wouldn’t go for marriage counselling. I don’t get the impression it’s appropriate in this case because of the power he has in certain areas e.g. the money.
I would get divorce and financial advice.

I wrote a very long reply to you, OP, and this bloody "improved" site came up with a black screen and deleted it. FFS. The short version was that I would not leave him if I were you, but would 'grey rock' him. He asked you to come up with another car; you need to do it. Sell his, and buy one that fits your budget and needs. He can look out of the window all he likes. Do some nice things with your DC that don't include him. Don't put yourself in a position (yet) where you would have to be without your children: you can navigate your way through this if you develop a kind of Teflon skin and let his stupid moods and selfishness wash over you. They are not your problem and not your responsibility. Carve out as lovely a life as you can for yourself and your children. In due course, you can think about leaving him - but not while there's any risk of him taking them abroad without you. You're right to sort the bank accounts out, but that's purely transactional. It doesn't matter whether people on MN want to put the "abusive" label on him or not: Hell would have frozen over before I had let my children out of my sight when they were little, and I think people overlook this when they bandy around "abusive" and "LTB".

This isn’t the same situation by any means, but when I lived abroad only my husband (then bf) had a bank account as I wasn’t earning (and also current accounts aren’t free there, so we were being a bit cheap). I was given power of attorney on the account, and then we set up my own login online and bank card, all attached to his bank account. Is that an option for you where you are? If you discussed this with your husband would he be onboard or try to put you off? If he wouldn’t that would concern me.

Your posts sound so unhappy, and it really seems like your confidence has been knocked. Being around someone negative and domineering can really make someone lose their sense of self and suffocate. Unfortunately he might never change and you need to decide whether this life with him is what you want, because like you said he’s been the same in both the uk and abroad.

Ask yourself if you are genuinely happy and fulfilled. If not then seriously look into options for you and children. Make sure you have all your original documentation for you and DC. Have you got their passports etc? Take copies and store somewhere incase you ever want to go. This man may not be violent but sounds abusive, you need to think about that. Already your DS is picking up on the atmosphere and mirroring the father. Is this enough for you?

Quartz2208 yes it's a bit like that. The thing is the kids won't stand for it - they rebel against his attempts to control. It was easy enough when they were small and compliant but he's starting to get some pushback now and he finds it very hard not to get into really stubborn deadlocks, particularly the oldest, which are painful to watch - he's a grown man and my son is still learning but responds so well to reason and understanding.

He is good at playing with the kids, doing things around the house etc but I feel with the kids getting older we are all impacted more by his moodiness/sensitivity (he also finds noise very stressful) and have been for a while now. I haven't thought about moving home but I'm starting to.

I am also starting to think with my younger son having more struggles with reading and tantrums etc there might be some family link on his side - dyslexia perhaps. His mother is also pathologically selfish and tight and I really wonder if she has some kind of personality disorder tbh.

I am seeing a psychologist about my son this week so may get some answers there, and have also got a private psychologist lined up for me next week. He's actually a marriage counsellor but I might see him alone. I feel like we are getting nowhere and I need an outside voice.

If my DH only spoke the language in a country we moved to he would have helped me to set up my own bank account using his language skills. He would know that I would not want to be financially dependent on him. Nor would he want me to be.

Other men would not have allowed this situation to occur because they would know that it is a shitty situation.

Please get out for your kids sake. My dad was also controlling, he would pull us up on the smallest perceived infringements. Growing up with him was like trying to live with a human bomb, you would tiptoe around him never knowing what was going to set him off. It's hard enough to deal with as an adult, but as a child the unpredictability of it all was the worst thing. You just never knew when he was going to be nice or start ranting at you.

It all came to a head as I became a teen and would fight back a lot more, it got to the point where I was scared of being home alone with him and that's when my mum finally left. I cannot describe the relief of him being gone, the whole atmosphere of the house changed.

It's affected my relationships and confidence as an adult, I have issues trusting people which I think stems from his unpredictable behaviour. Interestingly my sister has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, I strongly suspect Dad has it to. While it's not the main cause of his behaviour (I do not think ADHD causes abuse to be clear), I do think he has difficulty regulating his emotions which is linked to it and which made his behaviour towards us worse.

Thank you totallywipeout I do try and do things alone with the kids, but it's much easier when he's away. And we've been in this kind of bubble for a long time, thanks to covid. He did go away before Christmas on his own and we had a night out, we went to a market, met up with some school parents, the kids played, we jumped on a bus home. Had he been there we would have been fretting about money and how late it was, he would have been chasing the kids around, and we would have driven because he hates public transport. That did give me a rare insight into what life would be without him.

I do agree though that grey rock is the solution - it does snap him out of his moods when he doesn't get a reaction. I was thinking of retraining in health but it requires learning the language. Part of me thinks I could move home and retrain there in English.

But yes I need to work on carving out a life despite his moodiness, pretend not to notice it and react like he's being normal. The long term plan is to become financially independent and maybe leave amicably once the kids are independent. I'm not ever having another relationship with a man after this one, I could happily be single for the rest of my life, so I am thinking more of staying with the kids and not breaking up the home rather than getting out now in the hope of finding someone better. Couldn't be bothered!!

VioletBunny I'm sorry you went through that. The way that one person can dictate the atmosphere of the family home is so horrific, and good on your mum for finally leaving. Some people just can't manage their own emotions enough to handle raising kids.

The thing is, @violetbunny , if the OP leaves her husband, he will still have access to the children - but it will be worse, as she won't be there to protect them. He has done nothing to suggest he wouldn't be allowed unsupervised contact. I was in the OP's situation, and the best thing I could do in that situation was stay exactly where I was. That way I could be certain that the children were as okay as they could be in a very much less than ideal situation. If I had left him, they would have been exposed to his moods and selfishness and horrible behaviour with nowhere to turn. Once you are in the situation the OP is in, there are no ideal or easy solutions; it's more a question of finding the least bad option until the children are older.

You really need to get back to the UK. If you split up you’re screwed. You can’t just leave with the kids. He could stop you taking the kids back to the UK. You really shouldn’t have moved over there!!

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4125147-Divorcing-sulking-DH-it-WILL-happen-in-2021?

I thought of this poster when you stared - her situation reminded me a lot of yours