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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to talk about difficult marriage and not …

53 replies

RedMake88 · 25/04/2022 17:53

be disrespectful?

I feel I’m going through a difficult time in my marriage. Basically husband is super stressed at work. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells as he brings that stress home.

ive shared details of this with my DM, my aunt and uncle (I’m v close to them).

I guess I’m seeking tools of how to support DH with his stress and how to stop him bringing it home. However it’s making me feel disrespectful to DH as I’m having to give details of our arguments and how he sometimes treats me. It’s worrying me it’s tarnishing their image of him.

I must admit DM came away with us all last year and she really picked up on his stress and how he treats me as a result. She found it upsetting.

The pandemic has been a particularly stressful time and DH is on edge with his work. I feel like he’s changed so much. My Aunt suggested writing things down and then showing my DH then she said he needs to get some sort of business coach/counselling to work through his issues.

im starting to withdraw and feel really down as I don’t know what to do. I literally feel like I’m on eggshells all the time as I don’t know how he’ll react to something as simple as me putting a washing load on when it’s not our usual washing time (Ie we get the washing done at the weekend).

OP posts:
Kwackerly · 25/04/2022 22:56

Does he have a mentor or someone to give him support at work he could go to? Employee assistance if it's a large organisation?

This isn't your fault - and he needs to find a way of coping that doesn't involve taking it out on you.

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 17:30

Thank you!! He does prob have an EAP but won’t trust them I bet. I have been given the details of a good therapist but not sure I could convince him on therapy

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/04/2022 17:44

I think sometimes you just have to say look at the rate we're going our marriage isn't going to last. If you want to save it then get some counselling. If you don't get counselling then I can only assume we don't want to save the marriage.

HollowTalk · 26/04/2022 17:44

You don't want...

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 26/04/2022 17:52

Walking on eggshells is a sign you are in an abusive relationship. Your mother being shocked at how he treats you in front of her is a sign you are in an abusive relationship. Being frightened to talk to other people about what is going on is a sign you are in an abusive relationship. I suggest you get a trauma informed counsellor for yourself first, and try to unpick what is going on in your relationship with them first. It is not recommended to get counselling with an abuser.

cornflakedreams · 26/04/2022 17:54

It’s worrying me it’s tarnishing their image of him

If he wants a good image, he should treat you better. Stress isn't a license to treat people badly.

What is he doing to take responsibility for his behaviour? Because he is responsible for it and it is within his control.

What about therapy and support for you? It sounds like you need it.

cornflakedreams · 26/04/2022 17:56

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 26/04/2022 17:52

Walking on eggshells is a sign you are in an abusive relationship. Your mother being shocked at how he treats you in front of her is a sign you are in an abusive relationship. Being frightened to talk to other people about what is going on is a sign you are in an abusive relationship. I suggest you get a trauma informed counsellor for yourself first, and try to unpick what is going on in your relationship with them first. It is not recommended to get counselling with an abuser.

I would make similar observations. It is really not normal.

MenaiMna · 26/04/2022 17:59

I'm reading your OP same as OhSugarhoney does... There's abusive behaviour going on here. And that's not your fault. Do investigate therapy for yourself. Anyone who loves you (like your mother for example) won't like seeing you being abused please ask for help.

Allthecheeseplease · 26/04/2022 18:16

@RedMake88 , @Ohsugarhoneyicetea is not wrong.

No matter what is causing the stress if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells then it's definitely straying into abuse territory. I'm glad you have someone you can confide in but remember they are all emotionally involved. I second the recommendation for relationship counselling. If your DH won't go you can go on your own (genuinely) It might give you some clarity.

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:32

Thank you. I sometimes wonder if it’s my reaction to something. Sorry not reaction. How you stop yourself from doing something because you know what the reaction might be. I can’t explain it but it’s like I’ve shut down on things - even other people. I feel like I just dont know how to be myself so can act very standoffish to others. Yes mum , Aunty and uncle are emotionally involved. I tried speaking to my aunt without crying and I couldn’t.

I feel like my DH has so much anger inside him from somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:33

More often than not he gets cross if I talk about his work/bring it up. Esp at the weekend. For example we talked about life coaching business coaching and he is heading for a promotion. I said it’s be useful to go through that before next year/his promotion as he’ll only get busier. And he got cross and said don’t talk about my promotion. He’s only like this when he’s stressed but he’s constantly stressed!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:35

He has also started making stupid stupid jokes that I can’t stand (at my expense). I can’t describe them and I hate this change in character in him. I just want to go I really do. I’m so fed up.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/04/2022 18:35

Oh, OP. I think you should talk to that therapist by yourself. Whatever the reasons for his behaviour, it's not ok. Flowers

TraceyLacey · 26/04/2022 18:35

Why is he so stressed at work for years? What's his job?

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:37

I don’t want to be outing. But it’s high level, dog eat dog environment. The culture of his company is more extreme than most too.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/04/2022 18:39

Do you have children together?

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:39

My mum said ‘why does he act like he’s the big man? He thinks so much of himself now’ he’s quite arrogant.

he gets cross if he doesn’t get his down time in the evenings which is reading his book before bed - if I interrupt him, touch him for a cuddle I’m interrupting his reading and then he has to start his wind down again and if he doesn’t it causes him insomnia.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 18:40

He’s angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. You used the phrase I am on eggshells, that’s basically code to my mind for living in fear.

Stress is not an excuse or justification to treat you like he does, I would also think he behaves a lot differently around his work colleagues so it is for you solely this treatment is directed.

it may also be helpful to talk to people who are not emotionally involved. Womens Aid are well worth contacting and I would urge you to talk to them (they do have a chat facility online) as is continuing to post on here.

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:40

Yes we have two kids

OP posts:
Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:41

I can do what I want. Organise time with friends/go out etc he doesn’t stop me from having my life. I just don’t feel we have much of a marriage.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 18:42

If you want to go then do so. However, I would plan your exit from him and this relationship with due care and attention.

he is most unlikely to enter into any therapy, abusive men do not willingly go to therapy.

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:43

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 18:40

He’s angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry. You used the phrase I am on eggshells, that’s basically code to my mind for living in fear.

Stress is not an excuse or justification to treat you like he does, I would also think he behaves a lot differently around his work colleagues so it is for you solely this treatment is directed.

it may also be helpful to talk to people who are not emotionally involved. Womens Aid are well worth contacting and I would urge you to talk to them (they do have a chat facility online) as is continuing to post on here.

I just don’t know what’s normal. My DF was an alcoholic so I grew up in a dysfunctional home. Tbh I’m exhausted. I feel cross with him and myself for being in this situation.

my uncle has recommended me a psychotherapist. He has had a lot of therapy having too come from an abusive house.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/04/2022 18:45

How is he with the children?
What about other people; colleagues, friends, extended family, etc?

Perhaps you could read these and see if anything seems familiar:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:45

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 18:42

If you want to go then do so. However, I would plan your exit from him and this relationship with due care and attention.

he is most unlikely to enter into any therapy, abusive men do not willingly go to therapy.

Once when I totally lost it I mean shouting he started kicking cupboards so I stopped cos I thought he could break the house. The next day he said maybe we do need therapy but then we never got round to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:47

AnotherEmma · 26/04/2022 18:45

How is he with the children?
What about other people; colleagues, friends, extended family, etc?

Perhaps you could read these and see if anything seems familiar:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Gets stressed with the kids but I stop him. He gets stressed about their school work and is very pushy. I ask him to leave them alone. He gets stressed if they don’t go to sleep/mess around so I go up and sort them generally.

other people he’s fine around. Acts a bit of a joker - he’s actually quite introverted around others. Work colleagues, he chooses not to socialise with them. So rarely seen him with them.

OP posts:
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