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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to talk about difficult marriage and not …

53 replies

RedMake88 · 25/04/2022 17:53

be disrespectful?

I feel I’m going through a difficult time in my marriage. Basically husband is super stressed at work. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells as he brings that stress home.

ive shared details of this with my DM, my aunt and uncle (I’m v close to them).

I guess I’m seeking tools of how to support DH with his stress and how to stop him bringing it home. However it’s making me feel disrespectful to DH as I’m having to give details of our arguments and how he sometimes treats me. It’s worrying me it’s tarnishing their image of him.

I must admit DM came away with us all last year and she really picked up on his stress and how he treats me as a result. She found it upsetting.

The pandemic has been a particularly stressful time and DH is on edge with his work. I feel like he’s changed so much. My Aunt suggested writing things down and then showing my DH then she said he needs to get some sort of business coach/counselling to work through his issues.

im starting to withdraw and feel really down as I don’t know what to do. I literally feel like I’m on eggshells all the time as I don’t know how he’ll react to something as simple as me putting a washing load on when it’s not our usual washing time (Ie we get the washing done at the weekend).

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 18:49

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are seeing their dad treat you like this and it will affect them markedly. How much time does he spend with his children anyway?.

He also wants his down time before bed ahh diddums - who died and made him king here?!. Do you actually get any down time of your own, doubt you get much anyway with two children.

many people also have stressful jobs and they do not all choose to treat their partner like you are being, he does this because he can and likely feels he is doing nothing wrong here.

If he was to decide his current level of power and control against you was not working he will further up this against you.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2022 18:52

I guess I’m seeking tools of how to support DH with his stress and how to stop him bringing it home.

Why is it your job to manage his stress so he's not abusive? Don't you see how absurd that is? He has the ability to not treat you like an emotional punching bag, yet he does. He doesn't treat his coworkers like that, I'm sure.

It's his job to fix himself, and it's your duty to protect yourself and your kids from his bullshit. If he can't manage his "stress", perhaps he needs to live elsewhere.

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:52

I am good at pushing back. Very good at pushing back. But it’s exhausting.

I’ll put him in his place. He might get cross but I do. He does help around the house. Albeit on his terms. So clothes washing but only at weekends - but then gets cross if I put on a load during the week as he doesn’t like the mess around?

I don’t know what I’m doing. I am grateful for the support thank you we are so so so financially caught up together it’s very hard to think what we can do separately

OP posts:
Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:53

He spends some time in the evenings getting them ready for bed. And we often have weekends together but the kids kind of play etc while we get on with chores. When we eat he’s often on his phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 18:54

I think we’re probably no longer good for each other. I just resent him and am increasingly disliking him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 18:55

I am sorry to read about you having an alcoholic parent, that has certainly affected you a lot.

Abusive men like your H can often be quite plausible to those in the outside world. Do not do your bit here to show then that his treatment of you is acceptable. Do consider seeking legal advice re divorce.

Badger1970 · 26/04/2022 19:01

He's a tyrant. He's ruling the household with cruelty and dominance.

You have a choice to stay or leave. Your kids don't.

Don't make this life their childhood. They and you deserve a life of laughter, fun and happiness...... not a life of oppression tiptoeing around Dad's "stress".

FairyPolkadot · 26/04/2022 19:10

I think you sound really nice and are making excuses for his bad behaviour. I’ve been there. Walking on eggshells = constant anxiety.

We can’t see these situations clearly until we step away or back from them. Others see it because they have distance from it and aren’t so emotionally involved (your mum and aunt). I wouldn’t stop confiding in your mum and aunt, no matter if it’s affecting her relationship with your H. I’m sure they will help and support you in whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 19:15

He’s very emotionally immature is the best way to put it. He gets stressed about things some people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at. I wonder if he’s a high functioning And on the spectrum. I think he’s quite a laugh and charming at work. He knows how to switch on a personality and sense of humour around others.

I feel sad as I’m not committing to things like holidays abroad as I find them stressful. I think the kids are happy they love their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 19:16

FairyPolkadot · 26/04/2022 19:10

I think you sound really nice and are making excuses for his bad behaviour. I’ve been there. Walking on eggshells = constant anxiety.

We can’t see these situations clearly until we step away or back from them. Others see it because they have distance from it and aren’t so emotionally involved (your mum and aunt). I wouldn’t stop confiding in your mum and aunt, no matter if it’s affecting her relationship with your H. I’m sure they will help and support you in whatever you decide to do.

My aunt suggested keeping a diary then I can go back over things with him when he’s not in the ‘moment’

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PickAChew · 26/04/2022 19:22

You are overly worried about being seen as disrespectful towards a man who shows very little respect for you. It doesn't matter how dog eat dog his workplace is, he doesn't get to take it out on you and the children and it is certainly not your responsibility to fix him. And truthfully, if this job has turned him into such a twat, then he's not up to it.

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 19:22

I just don’t want to accept I’m in an abusive relationship he never used to be like this. It’s the job and stress that have done it to him. It’s so very sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 19:23

PickAChew · 26/04/2022 19:22

You are overly worried about being seen as disrespectful towards a man who shows very little respect for you. It doesn't matter how dog eat dog his workplace is, he doesn't get to take it out on you and the children and it is certainly not your responsibility to fix him. And truthfully, if this job has turned him into such a twat, then he's not up to it.

I do believe he’s not up to it in the company he’s in. I suggested downsizing to him so it’s not so much stress. But no he wants to work for this company.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 26/04/2022 19:25

And not being allowed to do laundry is just bloody ridiculous. This is worth a read www.muchnessmama.com/profile-of-an-abuser-the-drill-sergeant/

PickAChew · 26/04/2022 19:30

And it's always "stress". That one, curiously, seems to cross all pay grades and they never see a reason to do anything about it.

AnotherEmma · 26/04/2022 19:40

So he gets angry with his wife and children.
Calm and jokey with others.
Typical!
I feel sad for your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 20:09

Do not ascribe either high functioning or on the spectrum to his behaviour, it shows a very poor understanding of ASD. Autism does not equal abuse and I would bet a fiver that your H is not on any spectrum at all.

please do not go over things with him in a diary because it will not work and furthermore he will just use that against you. Your time would be better employed planning your exit from this marriage and seeking legal advice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 20:12

I would think he has ramped up the power and control against you over time (particularly after having children) and sadly you’ve not recognised it for what is it or have minimised it. Your boundaries are being further eroded by your h now and they were not solid to start with.

BigFatLiar · 26/04/2022 20:16

You need to talk to him about it. If he wasn't like this before it may be time for him to change jobs. No point being in a high profile career at the cost of the marriage. A less stressful job may require changes in lifestyle but if it leads to a happier home would be worth it.

Original poster
RedMake88 · 26/04/2022 21:23

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2022 20:12

I would think he has ramped up the power and control against you over time (particularly after having children) and sadly you’ve not recognised it for what is it or have minimised it. Your boundaries are being further eroded by your h now and they were not solid to start with.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I lived a life of walking on eggshells because of my DF and now with DH. Perhaps this feels like less.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 26/04/2022 21:36

If you are really having to tip toe around him, then that is just not fair. It's all very well to have a stressful job but the point is to face these things together, not have one of you taking it outbox the other.

Sorry, OP, it doesn't sound good I'm afraid.

How you stop yourself from doing something because you know what the reaction might be. I can’t explain it but it’s like I’ve shut down on things - even other people

Sorry, this sounds like you are being 'groomed' by him to modify your behaviour to avoid unpleasant consequences. Another sign of abuse.

Original poster
RedMake88 · 27/04/2022 11:49

He has a lot of health anxiety, OCD checking the locks every night meticulously since we got broken into 4 years ago now!

I feel like the stress is his OCD too. He’s so particular (hence the night routine).

OP posts:
Original poster
RedMake88 · 27/04/2022 11:49

FinallyHere · 26/04/2022 21:36

If you are really having to tip toe around him, then that is just not fair. It's all very well to have a stressful job but the point is to face these things together, not have one of you taking it outbox the other.

Sorry, OP, it doesn't sound good I'm afraid.

How you stop yourself from doing something because you know what the reaction might be. I can’t explain it but it’s like I’ve shut down on things - even other people

Sorry, this sounds like you are being 'groomed' by him to modify your behaviour to avoid unpleasant consequences. Another sign of abuse.

I don’t think he’s doing things mindfully/consciously. He can’t help himself.

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dotdotdotdash · 27/04/2022 12:05

As other posters have said, stress is not an excuse to treat the people around you badly. We all have our ways of coping with stress, some healthier than others. Unfortunately, some people cope with stress by lashing out, projecting on to the people close to them so they can justify blaming and punishing them when things go wrong.

It is not an acceptable way to carry on! In a calm moment, you need to tell him things have got to change; and he needs to adopt better strategies for dealing with stress (exercise, diet, give up alcohol, proper sleep, meditation); and that you and the kids are not putting up with his poor behaviour anymore.

I suspect you've taken this tack already (suggesting coaching etc) but he needs to know he has to change his ways.

BlimBosh · 27/04/2022 12:23

Does he act like this with other people ? No?

Then yes, he can 'help it'.

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