Not the best lover my wife has ever had...

[Tocquers]

Hi all,

I was hoping I might be able to get a woman's perspective to help me work something out. For context, I am 32, and have been married about six months. I am (still - and we've been together 5 years) quite head over heels with my wife!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, about a week or so ago we were sitting on the couch on a very normal Tuesday night, when she got up to go to the loo. This next bit is not good behaviour - and I do realise this - but shortly after she'd left the room her phone (unlocked) pinged up with something like, 'Looooooool, don't tell [my name] that, anyway!' from a female friend my wife is close to

Clearly, it wasn't the right thing to do, but curiousity (and tbh a bit of worry) got the better of me, so I looked at the exchange. In short, a few nights ago, I'd told my wife she was the best sex I'd ever had - not for the first time, because she really is! She'd told her friend about this, and how sweet it was to say, but then something like (details are a bit blurry - was in a bit of a rush / shame spiral), 'But obvs I didn't tell him about [previous boyfriend]'s [slang for the obvious] which as we know was quiiiiite a bit bigger and better!'

Anyway, given what I was doing I didn't really wallow in the details and kind of just put the phone back where it was - I think her friend sent a load more texts so it wasn't obvious I'd been snooping. But since then I've gone down a bit of a rabbit hole, and am feeling pretty bummed out. In all honesty to the point where I'm avoiding any intimacy at all because I'm not sure how well I'd do just right now...

I think it's not so much the fact that someone else is better equipped (I'm pretty aware it's all pretty average in that department, and made my peace with that a while ago!), but the 'better' bit is really bothering me. She'd previously reciprocated on the 'best ever' stuff, but clearly not. And tbh even that would probably not be the end of the world - I realise the person you marry isn't always your best ever - it's more that she'd share something like that with a friend. It just felt a bit needless, and perhaps like we weren't quite the unit I thought we were

I'm clearly not going to do anything about it - and I realise that as hurtful as it feels, I haven't covered myself in glory in terms of how I found out, but I suppose I was wondering how common it was for people to feel that way? And is it normal to share that much with girlfriends? I don't really talk to anyone about some of what I talk to my wife about (I know that probably this is more common with blokes, and general lack of opening up)

Anyway, any advice or thoughts gratefully received!

I sympathize, and would flip my shit if DH critiqued my bits and performance to his friends. It's so disrespectful, a line that shouldn't be crossed in any serious relationship. The fact you snooped is neither here nor there, her convo wouldn't suddenly be acceptable if you'd never found out!

OTOH could it be as PP said that she was actually making fun of a previous BF who they both knew to be the opposite of what she was saying? It might be a massive misunderstanding!

I find it very bizarre that you're, by your own admission, really happy and in love right now, yet checked your wife's phone the minute she left the room

Exactly this. Its obviously hurtful to you OP but I would let it go and at best just drop in conversation about your personal things being kept between you both. I don't think your wife has concerns as such.

Women do discuss things like this too IRL sorry just being honest. But it's connection is what is important

I don't know how common these conversations are. I don't really talk about my sex life or partners and neither do most of my friends. Some women I've met have definitely talked about their boyfriends' dicks and performance quite happily. I find it awkward, especially when they're trying to make it some sort of female bonding moment.

I think a lot of younger men might have the equivalent conversations (at least, I heard too much of that shit when I was at university, and that was with me in the room) but I can't imagine any of the men I know talking about their wives like that. Could be wrong.

On the other issues - 1) don't snoop, 2) bigger isn't always better, 3) better isn't always better. In my early 20s some of the best sex I had was with men I didn't know very well, it gave me a sort of freedom to really explore what I wanted physically without having them in my everyday life. Obviously that would be impossible to replicate with a long-term partner. It doesn't matter. Sex isn't a ranking system. There isn't a first place. Sex with those men was great. Sex with DP is great for very different reasons. I'm happy I've had both.

This sounds very untrue to life to me as well. I can’t imagine a woman laughing and slagging off her husband’s sexual performance to a friend unless she disliked him. In the context of a convo about how nice a time you’ve been having it’s bizarre.

I don’t think you’re genuine OP.

She sounds awful and very immature, I'm not sure I could live without saying anything. Imagine how hurt she would be if you said your ex had bigger and better tits than her. It's not something you say about the person closest to you, who you're supposed to love.
It's not normal to talk about your OH like that.

I see what you mean (albeit not completely sure what I'd have to gain by making something like this up)! It might be in how I've explained it.

In fairness I don't think it was slagging per se, or particularly about performance as such - as above, from what I can remember, the words were specifically about this dude's equipment rather than anything wider ('bigger and better'), and there was no direct put down of me ('in contrast he's terrible' etc). I've kind of rationalised it more as a comparison to good but better, if that makes sense? I think it was almost more of a banterous conversation than sappy about how nice a time we've been having, so probably less of a sudden switch in tone than I've made it seem.

Look, in the fullness of time I think it'll all be fine - I'm big enough and ugly enough to realise that it's not like I've uncovered anything horrific - it's just not quite who I thought we were. I also wonder if some of it's contextual - this girl is single, has a pretty full on dating life and I've occasionally been told stuff by my wife, that she's been told by this same girl, which I'd have thought was a bit intimate - never took much of an interest but I suppose quite naive in retrospect to think there wasn't at least a bit of sharing going the other way!

I think she'd be mortified and heartbroken to find out you'd read it and all the worries that have followed. I'd like to think that she'd never of said that to you, and until this moment you thought you had a great sex life because you really do! What people say to their friends light heartedly in jest are often very far from the actual truth.

If it keeps eating away at you you'll have to confess, despite the wrath at least she'll (hopefully!) be able to put your mind at rest.

Try and trust in how you felt before you saw that message...

I'm also pretty OK with not being 'the best' - I think (hope!) I meet the spec in lots of different ways. I'd also be completely happy to spend my life with my wife even if she wasn't the best - I just got lucky - so sure it can work the other way round too.

It's much, much more than I can't even visualise myself saying to a mate, 'yeah, it's all good but [ex's] knockers were quiiiiiiiite a bit bigger and nicer' without feeling like a bit of a disloyal shte. And yes, obviously, snooping on your other half's phone is absolutely also the activity of a disloyal shte. Fun times.

Thanks a lot - I think the outcome I'm after really - it stops eating at me, I suck it down, and rationalise that it probably was just some banter which she probably did a bit thoughtlessly (which lots of us are guilty of), and not endemic or anything. Would really prefer not to go through the process of getting my mind put at rest if I can crack it myself!

DHOTYA

My wife and her circle of friends had a habit of graphically oversharing. We had some discussions early on about boundaries and my discomfort with the types of things being shared, and she was very respectful of that, which I greatly appreciated.

About a year after we started dating however, there was one particular evening that I will never forget, and while we still do have a great marriage, great sex life a decade later, that one particular night stuck with me, I doubt I will ever forget it, and its impact will be lasting, and not for the better.

A mutual friend of my wife and one of her friends died suddenly, and they went to the funeral, and then a group of them went out to the bars afterwards. I ended up having to pick them up and bring them home because they were beyond pissed. It was perhaps the most uncomfortable half hour drive I have ever had as they went on about the sex they had both had with the guy who died, compared to the sex they had both had with his brother, and the sex my wife had had with their father, and how I didn't really stack up to all of that. My wife friend, even in her drunken state realized this was not a good direction for things to be going and tried to redirect, but as the saying goes, you can't unring a bell.

The lasting impact this has had on me is that it in a relationship, we tend to learn the things that we can say and do to make our partners feel loved, appreciated, desired. That one night took a whole bunch of things off that table as it were, that before that night my wife could have said to me that would have had me walking ten feet off the ground, but now, just makes me cringe.

Had to look that up. But OK! Still not sure what the angle would be on inventing this - but, first time poster and all that, maybe you all get it a lot!

In fairness this has been great to get a steer on the stuff I was wondering about - do people often end up with someone who's not the best they've had (yes, but better's a strange way of looking at it), are these kind of conversations standard (not really, but does happen), and did I get what I deserved for being so underhand (yes, big tick)

So thank you all - v. insightful afternoon!

I had a friend like this who disrespected her husband in the bedroom department all the time, from his size to his performance. I found it absolutely disgusting if im honest (we are jo onger friends)
Turns out when i asked her what she did to help things along she didn't do anything just expected him to too.
I personally would never speak about my husband like that to anyone so to me it is not normal.
And in all honesty if i saw that message pop up on my husband phone i too would of looked.

Bollocks to the people defending her 'private conversation'. If I discovered that my DP had been discussing the size of my vagina and it's comparative size to his ex-partners with a mate I'd rip his dick out at the root.

It's not a normal conversation to have OP, not in my circles anyway, or at least since my friends and I have grown up and are in serious relationships. I might have boozily discussed the performance of a one night stand back in the day, but not the Man I'm now about to marry.

I'm not surprised that you're confused and hurt, but I don't know how you'd broach it without admitting that you snooped a bit (which I would also be tempted to do, if my name flashed up on my DPs WhatsApp in the same context).

Hopefully you can write it off as distasteful banter, but maybe somewhere down the line open a conversation about where your boundaries are at; even if it's framed in a white lie to open the conversation eg: 'God Dave down the pub wouldn't shut up about the girl he slept with last weekend, I hate that kind of chat about people, makes me uncomfortable'.

The fact she says 'as we know is a lot bigger...' suggests that this guy was fairly meaningless but had a big willy that they all spoke about. I know loads about my girl friends exes, especially the ones that weren't important. Don't overthink it - it may not be as it seems.

I think I've been on mumsnet too long because for the first time ever, I call bullshit.

Hmmm agree with others, very odd conversation for two women to have.

I have similar conversations with all my different female friendship groups. It’s really not unusual for us - there’s no slagging off, more a discussion and some people are more outrageous/graphic/less boundaries than others but honestly I’d find it weird not to have people to share this type of thing with…unpopular opinion apparently!
When she’s messaging saying he was better at cleaning than you…then you need to worry.
9 out of 11 of my friends married for a long list of other reasons, sex was way down the list! Just keep on top of the pots ;)

@Tocquers what you’d get out of it is feeding some sort of penis size or cuckold humiliation fetish, or just entertainment

I'd never dream of talking like that with any close friends tbh.

I think it was unkind and disloyal. How would she feel if her husband had a discussion with his male friends about the relative merits of her vagina for instance as compared to an ex girlfriend's?

And I don't know who some posters here are trying to kid - or maybe I am insecure - but if I saw my name pop up as a message on my partner's phone in that context I'd 100% take a look and most people on this thread would too

You know the snooping was wrong so I won't talk about that.
Sex is different with different people. My partner is fabulous in bed as he is so loving and takes his time. My ex FWB was the best I have ever hd by a long shot physically, but it rate a big fat zero on the intimacy scale. Id take intimacy any day.
I wouldn't say tell her you'd snooped but I would say you need to bring up sex with her at an appropriate time. Find out what really blows her mind.