Not the best lover my wife has ever had...

[Tocquers]

Hi all,

I was hoping I might be able to get a woman's perspective to help me work something out. For context, I am 32, and have been married about six months. I am (still - and we've been together 5 years) quite head over heels with my wife!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, about a week or so ago we were sitting on the couch on a very normal Tuesday night, when she got up to go to the loo. This next bit is not good behaviour - and I do realise this - but shortly after she'd left the room her phone (unlocked) pinged up with something like, 'Looooooool, don't tell [my name] that, anyway!' from a female friend my wife is close to

Clearly, it wasn't the right thing to do, but curiousity (and tbh a bit of worry) got the better of me, so I looked at the exchange. In short, a few nights ago, I'd told my wife she was the best sex I'd ever had - not for the first time, because she really is! She'd told her friend about this, and how sweet it was to say, but then something like (details are a bit blurry - was in a bit of a rush / shame spiral), 'But obvs I didn't tell him about [previous boyfriend]'s [slang for the obvious] which as we know was quiiiiite a bit bigger and better!'

Anyway, given what I was doing I didn't really wallow in the details and kind of just put the phone back where it was - I think her friend sent a load more texts so it wasn't obvious I'd been snooping. But since then I've gone down a bit of a rabbit hole, and am feeling pretty bummed out. In all honesty to the point where I'm avoiding any intimacy at all because I'm not sure how well I'd do just right now...

I think it's not so much the fact that someone else is better equipped (I'm pretty aware it's all pretty average in that department, and made my peace with that a while ago!), but the 'better' bit is really bothering me. She'd previously reciprocated on the 'best ever' stuff, but clearly not. And tbh even that would probably not be the end of the world - I realise the person you marry isn't always your best ever - it's more that she'd share something like that with a friend. It just felt a bit needless, and perhaps like we weren't quite the unit I thought we were

I'm clearly not going to do anything about it - and I realise that as hurtful as it feels, I haven't covered myself in glory in terms of how I found out, but I suppose I was wondering how common it was for people to feel that way? And is it normal to share that much with girlfriends? I don't really talk to anyone about some of what I talk to my wife about (I know that probably this is more common with blokes, and general lack of opening up)

Anyway, any advice or thoughts gratefully received!

That is really really shite of her. Id never bring my husband down like that to someone it just was needlessly snidey. Why was she even telling her friend you said that, surely that's a private convo between husband and wife. Only reason I can think is she was blowing her own trumpet. Id be gutted to of seen that as well if I were you. I think you will likely need to admit you seen it flash up and are pretty hurt by her divulging private info and then bringing you down like that when you thought you were a united front.

Also, she sounds really quite immature.

Oh, and I wouldn’t confess to snooping.
It doesn’t show you in a good light (as you already know, and you beating yourself up for) and may potentially cause trust, or more serious issues in your relationship.
I agree you just need to ‘suck it up’ and move on

Yup she didn't marry "Mr big amazing dick" she married you.

Sure I've had larger cocks than my husband, but nothing will ever come close to the love and time he puts into our intimacy.

(But I would never have that discussion with a friend!!!)

I think you are taking yourself too seriously. If my dh told me repeatedly that I was 'the best he'd ever had' I'd actually be a bit grossed out. Sex/lovemaking is not a competition sport. Or a performance to be rated. I don't rate hugs, so why would I rate sex? Constantly bringing up the fact that you've slept with other people and compared your wife to them is a bit icky frankly.

Lighten up.

I once told a bloke he wasn't the best sex I'd ever had (he asked first, idiot). But he was the bloke I'd chosen to be with because sex is just a small part of a relationship.

I'd rather have average sex with my soul mate and life partner than best sex ever with a nobhead. <gavel>

All the women I know talk in extremely graphic and intimate detail about their sex and their feelings with their close female friends. I don't find the content or tone of this message surprising at all though I agree that it's very hurtful and it's disrespectful.

I think it’s disrespectful for her to insult you like that to her friends
but maybe your sex life isn’t as good for her as it is for you, so work on that rather than feeling sorry for yourself

and if DH told me I was the best he’s had I’d think it was grim. I don’t want to know about his ranking system, to be compared to his exes or for him to be doing that in that moment.

Maybe if you stop telling her you are comparing her, however favourably, she won’t keep comparing you.

It is a shame to have to know this about your partner, but I think it's something that could possibly fade into the background in time if you're able to move past it, understandable of course if you aren't. My wonderful, dear, best-ever-for-me partner, is not the best sex I've ever had. However, he is without any doubt or hesitation, perfect for me in all other ways and I honestly wouldn't dream of hoping to find someone better. Fortunately for us I think we are equally sexually compatible, and it sounds like you two might not be, but that might change in time with love.

I agree with a PP . If this was a woman asking for the same advice, she would be advised to get her ducks in a row and leave the bastard.

OP I wouldn't beat myself up for snooping because something at the back of your mind must have prompted you to look. Talk to your wife and tell her how you feel .

Good luck

“I have mentioned previously, after alcohol, to a friend that sex with my ex- BF was better and I don’t think it’s unusual for women to share”

ps/ to clarify, I didn’t comment on his size at all and didn’t go into detail either. It was also when DH and I were going through a bad patch (our sex life was generally ok too so I wasn’t critical, it just wasn’t as mind-blowing as when I was with my ex, but then we were also younger, more energetic and pre-kids!)

What do you want to result from this? As you could have a chat to your wife about boundaries without mentioning what you saw, and that you wouldn't be comfortable about her sharing intimate details. You could also combine this with a chat about switching up your sex life, talking about if there's anything you both want to try etc. It could just be that, if this is a long-standing friend, your wife is used to swapping dating and sex stories and it hasn't dawned on her you would find it inappropriate. It sounds like everything else is going well in your marriage so I wouldn't worry too much about a flippant remark, but of course there are ways to strengthen your sexual bond and also boundaries.

What she discusses with her friends is none of your business I beg to differ. If my DH discussed my genitals and sexual performance with a mate, and judging me against previous sex partners, I would see it as very much my business.

OP I think your wife has been really disloyal. I'm sure she'd say it was just 'banter' (hate that word) but you should be able to trust that your partner has your back, and isn't mocking you behind your back.

I would be really hurt by this, so I don't blame you for feeling hurt about her over sharing. Is she generally a kind person or does she enjoy putting others down?

The point about not enjoying being compared is a fair one. I'd always assumed it was a nice thing to say - we're both pretty aware the other has had a 'past', as it were. But didn't think about how it might come across all that deeply in all honesty. For the avoidance of doubt it wasn't some kind of routine - I've probably said it maybe, I don't know, a dozen or so times over the years

FWIW I do think the sex is pretty great (clearly!) - but for her, too (albeit realise I may not have the best read on it). I think it's more a case that it's not the best. Which again, is a bummer but basically fine - you can't be everything. And the size thing is definitely fine - I've spent enough time in those 'lad heavy' environments to wonder why some blokes don't have balance problems frankly...80-90% of what I'm getting cut up about is getting talked about like that. It's a bit precious, I get it. But, you know...feelings!

Goodness me! This was a private conversation between your wife and her good friend. It is not your business and no good has come of your snooping has it?

You sound insecure and a bit.. needy. Not attractive qualities tbh. I'd be furious with my husband if he did this.

Your wife is allowed to say what she wants freely to her friend in my opinion. You shouldn't have a clue about this but being nosey has left you in this position,

You either get over yourself or you tell your wife you have been poking about in her messages just as soon as her back is turned.

I'd suggest having a word with yourself .. like I said, the insecurity is a bit off putting

As a woman I'd say it really isn't ever as simple as 'the best sex I've ever had'- and my husband has said similar to me about our sex life which I've always found a bit odd that he feels he can categorise it.

The most erotic sex life I've ever had was with a guy who used to breeze in and out every couple of months. Because he was so aloof and domineering and it was very hot in a fifty shades kind of way, so in some ways the best. BUT it was only a really hot build up, the actual sex at the end was always kind of disappointing. But man even now I dream about that tease.

The biggest guy I've ever been with was great sex, when we were both really turned on. So when it was a big sex night it was awesome and in some ways the best- BUT he was too big for the kind of sleepy sex without lots of build up to not be painful. Which was frustrating for us both when its sunday morning and you just want a bit of a slow sex cuddle.

My sex life with my husband is the most loving I've ever had (and probably the most generous) and it is the best in many ways. It gives me a soft warm glow which is satisfying in a whole different way.

Your partners comments with her friend are disrespectful and I'm sorry for you having seen that. I've probably been guilty of talking too frankly with close female friends at times as well, and I'd encourage you to talk with her about it and ease your mind. In my marriage we've never been secretive about our phones and if my husband said he'd read a message I'd be surprised but not angry.

It sounds like the man referenced might well be her hot pre marriage sex memory. Like my aloof guy from my twenties. A nice hot memory to look back on now I'm older and married but someone you are bloody happy you didnt settle down with!

Oooof, I can imagine that's quite gutting. Intimacy and marriage are not static- you can become the best she's ever had, that doesn't have all that much to do with size & more to do with your actions! Pay attention & focus on her, ask her what she wants etc

I also agree with @WhiskeyAndGinger 's point.

I wouldn’t share something like that, and I’d be unimpressed if I found out my DH had.

But, I once saw something (accidental, it was on an unlocked computer that I happened to sit at) that a sibling said about me which I found really hurtful. I can’t ever raise it as they’ll say I shouldn’t have looked, so I have to let it go, but it still stings even over a decade later. Think you’re in the same situation, and just need to suck it up.

Wow @Tocquers i can see how that stung.

Try not to let it affect your confidence. And no more snooping - my mum always used to say it you go looking in a trash can you will most definitely find some rubbish. I now make it a point to stay away from
people’s phones.

ps - my now husband, when we first got together made a comment comparing me with his ex. 17 years later those words still pop into my head so I am entirely empathetic.

*if

I have been with men that have been bigger than my DP, and the sex was objectively better. But it was different because I love my DP and the sex is still good so I would describe him as the best sex because of the level of intimacy. If we broke up I probably wouldn’t say that anymore, but because when we have sex it’s more than just sex, so it makes it the best.

As for PP saying it’s a weird conversation to have with friends, talking about stuff like this or the size of someone’s penis wouldn’t be unusual for my friendship group. I guess it just depends on the friendship. But it is something that is regularly talked about with my friends. What I find unusual is that she’s told her friends your comment and then compared her ex, almost as if she’s making fun of you for saying that? I wouldn’t tell my friends that as it’s very personal. Maybe if I slept with a guy once and he said I was the best sex he’d had I would report it to my friends, but definitely not my husband and definitely wouldn’t be laughing that my ex was better!

I hope you’ve learnt your lesson about snooping though.

I completely agree with this, Imagine if a bloke had said he preferred the size of his ex's boobs!

I would want to talk to her if I were in your shoes, don't come from a place of anger ( you don't sound angry) but tell her you saw it and you're hurt that she's discussing intimate details with her friend.

I don't agree with the previous posts says women never talk about things like size etc , in my experience they do!!

Speak to your wife OP. Just say the message flashed up on the screen and you noticed your name being mentioned. Two wrongs don’t make a right (snooping is wrong as you say yourself), but her comments were hurtful and it’s understandable you feel bad having seen it in black and white like that.
Women talk… sometimes in great detail … sometimes it’s serious and sometimes a bit of a jokey comment. I’m sure if you speak to her she will be mortified and be able to ease the blow.
Like others have said, sometimes there are reasons why sex was better with others. You can’t even trust your own memories can you. For instance I have a memory of my partner lighting a whole room in candles and rose petals after a drunken night out 19 years ago. I spoke to him about it the other day and he laughed loudly and went “What?! You were so drunk at the time. It was two tea lights and rubbish on floor”. I’ve managed to magnify the event massively, it seems.
Try to not read into it. She chose you over everyone.

Am astounded at some of these responses saying OP's wife has every right to share anything she wants with her friends. I would never discuss my husband's sexual performance or private anatomy with anyone. I think it's such a betrayal of trust and if my husband texted his friend comparing my genitals to those of his ex girlfriend I would be absolutely furious. Yes, everyone has a past but everyone is also entitled to a bit of dignity and privacy.