He won’t have more kids, what do I do now?

[Jasminejas]

Hi. I am going through a tough time right now and seeking out advice. I know this topic seems to come up a lot on MN but I could do with advice/ other people’s experiences. My BF is 43 with 2 sons, 18 and 20. I have no kids and I am 35. After a few years together & this being an ongoing topic with us both being on the fence he has decided he does not want anymore kids. But over the last year I have felt more strongly that I cannot let the chance of motherhood pass me by so we have split up. The trouble is we are both now miserable and missing each other a lot. I don’t know how to move forward with this. I know realistically we might not have lasted 5/10 years down the line as a lot of relationships don’t and I would have regretted not giving myself a chance to be a mum. But it’s hard. We still love each other. I guess I need reassurance I have done the right thing. Has anyone left a partner over this issue? Did either of you change your mind? Did you go on to meet someone else?

I was the one that didn't want them. I think it would have been terribly cruel of me to try and keep in touch and express love to him, keep him hanging on and nor able to move on properly knowing he would have to make the sacrifice of not having kids to be with me.

So I cut contact. I know through friends he is very happy and does have kids. Its a shame. But it was for the best. If we stated together had had a child, I would resent him for it. If we stayed together and didn't have them, he would have resented me.

There's no winner there.

Hi. Sorry you are going through this. I am a similar age to you and went through this about 5 years ago. My ex was always on the fence about whether he wanted children. I got to 30 and decided i didn't want to wait much longer. He decided he would never want them. We'd been together 10 years. I left him and it was the best decision I made! I've met someone else and am the happiest I've been. We've been TTC for 2 years and am going through the pain of infertility (male factor), about to start IVF but if that doesn't work we will adopt. I'm glad I did it when I did as I have time on my side. If having children is a dealbreaker for you, stick to yours guns and I hope it works out for you! X

You've done the right thing, He would rather split than have another so you have to move on.
You must make this clear from the beginning, you won't change someone's mind if they are against it.

@Butfirstcoffees that’s how I felt, that if I stayed I would resent him. And I would not have wanted him to have a child if he really did not want it. That would not have been fair on anyone. But we have remained in contact since, maybe because we are both still hoping the other one changes their mind. But also because we love each other. It’s really hard to let go.

You have done the right thing, OP, if you want a chance to have children.

I have 2 as does my boyfriend. He had a vasectomy years ago and that was a huge relief for me. There is absolutely nothing that would persuade me to have another child. Not even becoming pregnant.

It would have been wrong of him to agree to have one because it was what you wanted. Equally, you can't give up the hope of one of that is what you want.

@WhiskeyInTheJar33 I’m glad to hear you found someone else and made the right decision for you. Has your ex remained childless? I think it’s so hard to leave someone you still love, deep down I know it’s the right decision but it’s hard.

@GreyCarpet if I already had one of my own I would have stayed. It’s the fact I have none. I said to him to have no children at all is a massive sacrifice. 😞

He does not want another child

you do want children

or least to have the chance ttc

you were right to split

my story is slightly different

I was with my dh for 19yrs. Sadly he died. I met another man when I was almost 38

i wanted kids but didn’t happen with dh. Was about to have ivf when he died

I met a new man - who was 45 and had 3 older kids /late teens /20’s

and said about wanting kids

needed to know was it a no never - maybe. - or yes

a week or so later he said it wasn’t a no never and if having a child meant that much he was willing /happy to have another as every woman deserves a chance To be mum if they want

took another 4yrs and 5 ivf but we now have our miracle child - she is 5 Now

what I’m saying , very long winded lol - is that you shouldn’t give up your wishes to be a mummy

you will meet someone who will love you and want to be a dad whether for the first time or again if they have kids

Incredibly tough situation, but you have done the right thing.

You need to stop contact, it's like picking a scab.

@Jasminejas my ex has remained childless. He has met someone else and had a massive panic and tried to come back to me (I had already met my new partner by this point, so wasn't interested). I think his new partner wants children but he does not know how to be honest with her!
I think with me what made it easier is I had fallen out of love with him.

@Blondeshavemorefun aw I am happy to hear you got your miracle child. I just wish my BF had the same mindset, that although he had not planned to have more he would be open to it. But I also understand some people just do not want any/anymore. It is helping to read these responses I have done the right thing. I realise I may not meet someone in time to have a baby but at least I can try!

@WhiskeyInTheJar33 yeah I wish we had started to fall out of love. But we both really love each other. We just cannot overcome this issue unfortunately 😞

You have done the right thing @Jasminejas as hard as it is now

or else you will always wonder and think what If

yes maybe it won’t happen / I hope it does and as I said took us 5 ivf and a lot of emotional mental let alone financial committment

but we knew we tried

and you will be the same

I have friends who have done it solo

1 adopted as a single mum

2 have done ivf as single woman

don’t lose your chance of being a mum x

You’ve done the right thing. I would recommend now breaking all contact with this man. By keeping those lines open, you’re wasting time that could be spent finding someone who wants the same things as you do.

You've done the right thing. As has already been said, you would resent each other whichever decision you made together. You may need to cut all contact to allow yourself to heal and move on, though.

Youve got to go cold turkey on him as hard a sit may be youre just confusing yourself and it will be harder to move on

I have two children and although I love my husband it is nothing compared to the love I feel for them (sorry DH!)
If you want to be a mother, no man is worth sacrificing that for.
My advice is to go to cold turkey - ask him not to contact you and then delete/block him on everything. It's only by cutting him out that you will be able to begin to move on.
Then get a full fertility MOT. Consider freezing your eggs and/or exploring the sperm donor route. I'm not saying you have to do this straight away. But you need to get informed about your options now so you can take the time to think them through.
Good luck. It sounds very painful but you are doing the right thing. You still have time but not years and years, so stick to your guns.

You need to stop contact. This man will never make you completely happy, but while you’re in contact with him, that keeps you in love with him, and so you’re not going to fall for anyone else.

My worry for you OP is the timing. Get your eggs frozen asap. At 35 they are probably ok, but will be deteriorating rapidly. Also consider IVF and just doing it alone. Frozen eggs from age 35 are far more likely to succeed than fresh eggs from age 37.

My fear for you is you just won’t meet a man you can love, spend time gettig to know each other and then decide to have children, all within the time left in which you’re capable of getting pregnant.

Of course there is adoption / donor eggs if you don’t want to be a single mum and want to wait until you meet someone.

Only you can decide what to do but be aware of the very very small time window you have left if you want biological children.

@Jasminejas

Solo mother by choice here as we're known so hope to give my story in case it is useful to you.

I was divorced aged 36 and subsequently spent the next few years trying to meet a suitable partner on OLD with whom to settle down with. I did meet two great guys however neither of the relationships worked out for various reasons. The pressure to 'escalate' a relationship at that point in my life towards children was immense in both cases and both men knew it was a time sensitive and critical point in my life. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been dating as there was really little time left to explore a relationship at a more natural pace, at least in my opinion. Everything felt like the next step towards children rather than genuinely taking the time however long it took to get to know someone how I used to in my 20s.

To cut a long story short, I decided after a lot of thinking to get off the dating apps and start working on doing this solo. Aged 39, I did a fresh round of IVF using a sperm donor and was unbelievably lucky to have conceived on my first attempt and have several frozen embryos for potential sibling (s).The pregnancy was textbook as was my birth, I really was very lucky with all of it and now that my son is here I feel blessed to have had this opportunity to experience parenthood. IVF was recommended as upon doing the fertility tests it was discovered that I have a blocked tube.

Strangely I am in contact with both of the men I'd dated and they couldn't be happier for me. Neither is dating at the moment but both are still ambivalent about having children (both are childless).

Now that my son is here, these relationships pale into insignificance. It's hard to describe and believe, considering how emotionally invested I was with both of them not too long ago. I really just don't have the capacity/time/energy to be thinking about them and the what ifs. My love and feelings for them have shifted now towards a friendship. The focus is on my son 100% and I couldn't be happier.

I don't want to derail the thread but if you would like more information about my journey, PM me.

I am doing this 100% alone however my family and friends have been behind me all the way, and they are the ones I share my son's milestones with. Of course there have been hard days, but which parent doesn't experience that. Otherwise absolutely no regrets, apart from I wish I'd done it earlier.

I agree with other posters, you need to go NC and focus on your next step. I'd also second getting a Fertility check done which would help you make informed decisions.

Break ups are sad, but that doesn’t mean everyone going through one should reunite with that partner.

Remember the reasons why you’ve made this incredibly brave and wise (and hard) decision to end things and move on. He is surely not that special that he’s worth sacrificing your chance to be a mother?

Well, I have a friend who was in a similar situation. She chose to explore the sperm donor route, with her partner's support. He already has two kids and isn't ready for another one, but he was happy to support her becoming a mother.

In the end IVF didn't work for her and she is now exploring adoption. She's still with her partner, too.

I chose to do it solo, and have two children. I'm very happy and not interested in a serious relationship at this point.

So, you have options. But if going back with him isn't an option then you should cut him off completely, for your sake and his.

Cut contact. Otherwise you can’t move on. So you’re not with him but not able to get yourself to a position where you can get what you want. Don’t sabotage yourself like that. If he is a decent man he will want that for you and agree.

Id also look into sperm donation, freezing eggs etc. Good luck

What a selfless thing to do. That is almost an act of real love for them and for yourself. You must be very strong.

I hope you have found happiness 😊

You have done the right thing. At 43 with 2 adult kids I don't blame him.. So if you want them you have done right to go. Sounds like he has never said he did as you mention you were both on the fence.

You did the right thing. He’s nearly 10 years older than you and has 2 adult dc. He’s at a very different stage in life to you. I hope you find a man that’s closer in age to you and wants dc 😊