He won’t have more kids, what do I do now?

[Jasminejas]

Hi. I am going through a tough time right now and seeking out advice. I know this topic seems to come up a lot on MN but I could do with advice/ other people’s experiences. My BF is 43 with 2 sons, 18 and 20. I have no kids and I am 35. After a few years together & this being an ongoing topic with us both being on the fence he has decided he does not want anymore kids. But over the last year I have felt more strongly that I cannot let the chance of motherhood pass me by so we have split up. The trouble is we are both now miserable and missing each other a lot. I don’t know how to move forward with this. I know realistically we might not have lasted 5/10 years down the line as a lot of relationships don’t and I would have regretted not giving myself a chance to be a mum. But it’s hard. We still love each other. I guess I need reassurance I have done the right thing. Has anyone left a partner over this issue? Did either of you change your mind? Did you go on to meet someone else?

@Imogensmumma oh wow. 5 months feels like a long time to me, I can’t see me being in the same headspace with my feelings for him in 5 months time. But obviously your situation meant that time apart brought you back together so that wasn’t the case for you two. Once we have untangled things that are joint I’m going to go no contact. I do hope we can be friends in time but my feelings won’t be able to change to friendly ones if we keep in contact as we are without time apart.

You had to make a difficult to choice partner and no children or children with a new partner. I think you made a brave and correct move. Nothing compares to a sad mall child snuggling into you and looking into your eyes. You will know for certain you made right choice when your child is snuggling into you. By keeping in contact you are preventing yourself moving on and meeting someone else who will want children with you.

I comment on each and every thread like this to say yes, you have done the right thing. I left a 13 year old relationship aged 37 to give myself the chance to have children, it was the lowest point in my life being single and buying my own house etc. I would NEVER have got over someone else deciding if I could be a mother or not. I did meet someone and we now have 3 children, my ex and I are on good terms and he is an "uncle" to my children. At 35 you have every chance of meeting someone who wants what you do, well done for making the break.

@mcmooberry thank you, stories like yours help me see the light. I’m feeling really down tonight and feeling like I’ve left my life to just be lonely with no guarantee of anything. I had an anonymous look on a dating profile before and that made me miss my ex even more, I know people are more than just a picture but I can honestly say I was not attracted to anyone I saw on there. I deleted it after an hour of scrolling as it was making me feel worse rather than giving me hope! @mcmooberry where did you meet your husband? I’m so pleased for you that you ended up with a family. Do you think your ex ever regrets his choice not to have that with you?

@Jasminejas I met my DH on OLD and this was 17 years ago when it was far less common (but I suspect people behaved better tbf). God I know what you mean, it seems exhausting and depressing to be trawling through dating profiles when you could actually be having fun and companionship with your ex. I remember commenting to a friend that the bloke I had met the evening before was a (much) shorter, older, less attractive and poorer version of my ex! So demoralising!
However, trust me and everyone else when we say that if you reach 40-44 and the chance of having children is feeling like it's slipping away, you won't be madly in love with this man any longer, you will resent him and wish you had had the courage to leave when you had the chance. These threads are often full of cautionary tales of women who hang on until it's too late. My ex has a very full busy life and has had the time to devote to maintaining many, many friendships so not sure if he regrets anything (he is married too but no children)
No, there's no guarantee of anything, but staying with him guarantees you won't be a mother.
Sorry you are feeling so low but I can almost stake the farm that this will be temporary and you WILL meet someone who wants to embark on the adventure of parenthood with you.

You are at completely different life stages. Ending the relationship is the best thing for everyone. He needs to be able to move on from having that much responsibility and he has to consider the huge ramifications on the relationship with his existing children if he chose to have a baby at this point in life. You need someone who doesn’t have those constraints or if you don’t find someone, you really are better off going it alone.

he doesn't care enough to not let you suffer for the rest of your life, and is happy to take away your chance. Why would you want to be with a man that cares so little for you? The resentment that would build up if you stay together would be immense and unhealthy

he could say the very same about her.

@Marty13 so your friend and her partner stayed together and she's exploring becoming a mum without him? That's one way of doing it @Jasminejas. ? Do you live together?

It's a novel approach for sure.

@RiverSkater we did live together but I have moved out. @mcmooberry thank you, I know it will get easier with time, it’s still very recent. Like you say if I had stayed I would have been unhappy forever whereas I’m unhappy now but that will (hopefully) pass. It will be easier when I can cut all ties with him. X