He won’t have more kids, what do I do now?

[Jasminejas]

Hi. I am going through a tough time right now and seeking out advice. I know this topic seems to come up a lot on MN but I could do with advice/ other people’s experiences. My BF is 43 with 2 sons, 18 and 20. I have no kids and I am 35. After a few years together & this being an ongoing topic with us both being on the fence he has decided he does not want anymore kids. But over the last year I have felt more strongly that I cannot let the chance of motherhood pass me by so we have split up. The trouble is we are both now miserable and missing each other a lot. I don’t know how to move forward with this. I know realistically we might not have lasted 5/10 years down the line as a lot of relationships don’t and I would have regretted not giving myself a chance to be a mum. But it’s hard. We still love each other. I guess I need reassurance I have done the right thing. Has anyone left a partner over this issue? Did either of you change your mind? Did you go on to meet someone else?

This was me a few years ago. My DP already had 2 kids from his ex and didn’t want anymore so we broke up. However my DP changed his mind and decided he did want another child.

At 39 I’m now 5 months pregnant but I feel like he’s not 100% on board or invested and feel all decisions and finances for bubs is all on me as I wanted a baby.

cut contact with your ex and either do it yourself or meet someone who wants kids from the get go as it’s very tough feeling alone even though I’m in a relationship

You’ve done the right thing, my ex didn’t want children, we very nearly got married but I realised I really couldn’t compromise on having kids, he didn’t want them, but even if he did his career really wasn’t suitable for being a parent.

When we had split up it was tough, we went no contact for six months, after that we saw each other again and now six years later we’re good friends.

I went on to adopt my son as a lone adopter, it is one of the best decisions I ever made, I then met someone who I clicked with who wanted children. We’re now married (it’s our anniversary today!) and we’re in the process of adopting our daughter together.

You've definitely done the right thing, that would be such a big sacrifice to make. I had a friend in similar position and she left her partner who didn't want anymore children. He ended up changing his mind and now they have a daughter together but you can't hang on 'hoping' he will change his mind. There is of course no time line on how long he can hold on hoping you'll change your mind since he is the one that doesn't want children but you need to move on, as hard as it is.

Hopefully you'll find a new partner soon that wants children to and have your happily every after. If not have you thought about having some of your eggs frozen? Of course women do go on to have children in their 40s but egg quality does generally start to decline in late 30. I've done IVF and have been through this.

Good luck and stick to your guns! Xx

If he loved you so much that he couldn’t live without you, he’d have a baby with you.
Move on. I’d suspect he’s been stringing you along, pretending to be on the fence so he could keep you, while all along he knew he didn’t want more.

I opted to have a child by donor sperm. Best decision ever, for lots of reasons.

My ex before I finally decided also had two older children and was never going to "want" more children. I did. So like you I ended the relationship and pursued motherhood.

In your shoes, I'd do that. Focus on motherhood. If once he knows that's your intention and what you actually pursue, then you can both review the "love" you have. It maybe that he can get his head around that situation, where longterm he's not responsible for the child (in case of splitting etc). It may just be that he's moved on and doesn't want to return to what babyhood and young childhood life means. The paraphernalia. The planning. The child focussed activities. Etc. He's done his time and may not wish to return to this when he should, in theory, now be able to do adult things and prioritise his needs. Which isn't wrong, but you need to be able to move forward with a child if that's your intention and also let him do the same.

I agree with pp cut contact. Whilst you are still in contact it will be hard for you to move on, but you do need to move on.

He isn't going to change his mind. He clearly would have done by now.

Be strong, start dating and find someone that wants dc as much as you do, then you will have the happy ending you wish for. You will not find it with this man, he doesn't care enough to not let you suffer for the rest of your life, and is happy to take away your chance. Why would you want to be with a man that cares so little for you? The resentment that would build up if you stay together would be immense and unhealthy. Cut ties, say goodbye and move on to the future as quickly as you can. He is not a good catch and would be a rubbish Dad even if he agreed tomorrow.

Quite simple really
He doesn't want kids?
You do?
You need to stop wasting your time you'll massively regret it!

I spent 11 years with my ex same situation didn't want kids

Fortunately I then met my current partner and luckily had 2 age 36 and 39

Not what I had in mind I didn't want to be "the older mum" but I'm just lucky to have them

Leaving is the only thing to do. Your fertile years are going to slide and if you stay with him and resentment sets in you'll wish you had chosen differently. See this as you going back in time to change things.

Yes. Very similar to you. I ended the relationship and it was agony. I’m now with someone else and TTC. I may have left it too late though - don’t make the same mistake!

It’s really hard to let go.

What you need to remind yourself is that you’re not letting go of the chance of a family with this man. That chance doesn’t exist. What you are letting go of is a relationship that could have worked if you both wanted the same thing. You want motherhood more than you want the relationship - so you need to go after what you want the most.

I guess I need reassurance I have done the right thing - no-one can truly give you this reassurance as there are far too many variables. How long have you known each other? Does this feel like a love of your life situation or is it just another relationship? What kind of relationship do you have with his kids (having them in your life means you could still potentially become a grandparent further down the line)? What is his reason for not wanting to have more kids? If he has a great relationship with his kids and is putting them first I actually think that's rather admirable. If he's never been a hands on dad and basically can't be arsed to do it all over again then I think that's also a good reason not to have kids with him. Too many would just push on ahead with a new family without thinking of the older kids metaphorically pushed out of the nest to clear the way or about the 18 years responsibility that lie ahead. Your dilemma is should you set aside a loving relationship (I'm assuming that's what it was) in pursuit of something that might not happen anyway? Who's to say you would get pregnant easily anyway at 35? It's impossible to know. Will you meet someone else you want to have children with? Going it alone is easier said than done - deliberately choosing to deny your child a father could potentially take some explaining further down the line. Which of us is qualified to advise? I am fortunate to have two children myself, but I have quite a few friends who don't for a variety of reasons - including some who have loving step-parent (and then grandparent) relationships with their partners' children. Much as I adore my own two, I don't think it's the be a-all and end-all in life if it doesn't happen. There are other ways of having a happy and fulfilled life.

You need to cut contact so you can start to heal and get back out there dating or investigating solo parenting ASAP. At 35 you have some time, but no time to waste!

At 28 I split with my ex for this reason, I wanted kids soon and he wasn't sure if or when he'd ever want them. Earlier in the relationship he'd said he did want them in a few years but when the time came he didn't. So after a tough few months of going back and forth and arguing over it we broke up. I felt a strong sense of the clock ticking so went back out on the dating scene pretty quickly (I got over my ex fast due to the poor way he treated me at the end with the split), met someone a fortnight later and told him on the first date that I was planning on having a baby within a few years so he knew what the future would be like if he chose to keep wanting to date. Had our DC three years later, we didn't rush it but it was always on the cards.

You can't afford to waste another minute pining over him if you're really certain you want to give yourself a shot at having a baby.

Two things helped me:

One, remembering that when the day came when I met my child for the first time, the love for them would surpass anything I felt for my ex

Two, remembering that the egg that would create my future child was already inside me, I was already carrying them around. I owed it to them to make sure I did my very best to create a stable, secure situation to bring them into, alone or with a partner. But they were there. I was already with them. Just waiting for the right time.

Dh is 7yrs older then me

had kids when he was 22 24 27

and again at 50 with me

it can happen

Stop torturing yourself and him. Cut contact.

I have two children and although I love my husband it is nothing compared to the love I feel for them (sorry DH!)
If you want to be a mother, no man is worth sacrificing that for.

I sort of agree with this. The love you have for your children is entirely different to that you might have for a partner and can't really be compared. While this feels like a momentous decision now (the partner you love who is here right now or a theoretical baby?), if you pursue new relationships or end up going it alone and eventually have a child, you may end up looking back and wondering why you were agonising over leaving him. Also, call me cynical but relationships break up all the time for all sorts of decisions so there's no way I'd sacrifice being a parent and the human bond that brings (both when your child is young but also when they are an adult) for a relationship.

I don't think the 'we really love each other' is helping you.

He doesn't 'really love you'. He's entitled not to want children but presumably with a younger, childless girlfriend he always knew this was likely, assuming you were honest that you might one day want them.

Loving you in these circumstances means being brave enough to let you go when it's clear he can't give you what you want or need.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but your time is now too limited to waste any more of it on him. Tell him you are cutting contact for both your sales or you are sabotaging any future relationship.

I hope things work out for you. You have time but another year off faffing about with him and that diminishes significantly

Thank you everyone for your replies it is helping. @Imogensmumma how long did you break up for before he changed his mind? And did you remain in contact like us or go cold turkey? Although, I haven’t left in the hope he changes his mind, I have left because I know my time is running out. I also know we need to cut ties but it’s only very recently I moved out so there is stuff to sort. I am finding it hard but like other posters say I have reminded myself that a lot of relationships don’t last forever. I am going to give myself a month to heal then put myself back out there. I don’t want to force myself into the wrong relationship though just to have a child, I think I will give myself a year of dating and then consider sperm donor. I do have family and friends around me to share special moments with. Does anyone know if I would have to pay private to get a fertility MOT? Or would a GP refer me for tests?

You'll have to go private and pay for a fertility check up. You would only get an NHS referral if you've been TTC for a length of time (is it 1 year or 2?) without success.

@AnotherEmma ok thank you I will look into that

You don't need a man to be a mother, just some sperm.

If being a mother is what you want, go and be one. Honestly I'm a lone parent, it has its struggles but I have a son who I adore and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Personally I wouldn't at 35 even bother with the whole dating thing. Find a clinic for a fertility MOT, discuss options for sperm donation and see how you feel.

Women don't need men, we really don't, just bags of bones that annoy us and get under our feet most of the time 😂

I'm 32 and genuinely can't see what having a "man" in my life would give me, except more washing and more mouths to feed 😂 they are just like giant parasites that suck the energy out of you. I mean at least a baby is cute! Lol

I left someone after a couple if years together because he was violent and was also stringing me along before that about marriage a kids. Apparently an engagement ring is cheap if it buys you time. At the end of our first date with my next man I asked him if he wanted to get married and have kids. I didn't want to waste anymore time. 26 years later we are married with children and I am so glad I never sacrificed what I wanted for someone who wasn't worth it. No single man is worth giving up anything you want for.

I like to hear these stories with positive outcomes! It gives me hope. Even if it means me doing it alone.

You have done the right thing. No reason why you still can’t be friends but you have to put the effort into meeting someone else now and make sure they haven’t had the snip!
This happened to me but I was thirty and left him, met a new guy quickly and had two kids close together. Incidentally the new relationship never worked out but I’d not change having the two little ones.
Good luck OP and make your own baby dreams come true.

It was about 5 months before he decided he changed his mind , I had to go NC for that too occur as it was messing with my mental health

so go NC he may change his mind and in the meantime if he doesn’t look down the path of doing it solo…. But don’t give up your dreams 💕