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Original poster

Tell me about your Friends with Benefits situationships

86 replies

Littlegreenfrogcake · 24/04/2022 15:25

I am 3 weeks into a new FWB situation, and I am REALLY enjoying it. I love that there's no pressure, expectations or emotional weight to it. I was really upfront I do not want or need a relationship and that I needed to connect with someone before the sex could happen.

Due to various reasons, much as i like the guy as a friend, and the sex is GREAT, I know I wouldn't consider him relationship material. So I'm not worried about that so far.

What are others' experiences? Anything I should look out for over the coming months?? Has it worked/not worked for you?

OP posts:
EBearhug · 28/04/2022 18:51

You can use condoms for oral. It's why flavoured ones exist.

iklboo · 28/04/2022 18:56

We've been married 18 years in October.

sammylady37 · 28/04/2022 19:00

27glitteryTomcats · 28/04/2022 18:15

Do they all know about each other ?

Show quote history

They all know I have other FWBs but I don’t discuss details.

SoManyTshirts · 28/04/2022 19:28

Before lockdown I had two, both dating & sex, saw them fairly infrequently and both aware of the situation. Lockdown was hard and I was mostly on my own, I would have chucked it all in for a relationship then.
The status quo has resumed, we’ve all changed a bit but not much.

Jumpking · 29/04/2022 01:38

27glitteryTomcats · 28/04/2022 18:15

Do they all know about each other ?

Show quote history

My 2nd knew about my 1st.
My 3rd knew about my 1st & 2nd
My 4th knew about 1st & 2nd.

I think 1st suspected there were others, but never said anything. Saw him so infrequently, it didn't matter so much. We ended up being more friends via messaging rather than taking advantage of the benefits.

Moser85 · 29/04/2022 01:56

Friends with benefits shouldn't turn into situationships!!

I had a FWB for a while and unfortunately he wanted a relationship so I had to end it. He got very hurt and I felt like shit that he got hurt so that has turned me off having another one.

But it was fun while it lasted 😅

aurynne · 29/04/2022 02:42

I am enjoying great times in my life being single and having a couple of FWBs - in fact I am "grooming" a third one (in another current thread if you are curious). A couple of years ago I had a fantastic FWBs whom I met in a Facebook group, started talking, became friends and it was clear there was a strong sexual attraction. Best sex of my life! I ended up falling in love with him (the first time this happens for me), but after going no-contact and taking 3 times to sort out my feelings, now we are friends again (with occasional benefits still, the sex is too good to completely cut it off!).

I have another FWBs who I met more recently on Tinder... he is really hot, VERY good looking, a happy and positive person, in a messy separation circumstance so he does not want to get into any commitment relationship, which suits me very well. Intellectually he is not at my same level and this is crucial for me in order to consider someone "relationship material", so no risk of feelings getting involved there. We see each others as friends, to talk, go to the movies or going hiking, and often there is sex, but not always.

I have very recently started exchanging spicy messages with a guy who was friend only, but he is also very handsome so I wouldn't mind upgrading him to FWBs. This is in the other thread I mentioned, and in some of the comments you can see the reaction of other women to having an arrangement like this... there are still a lot of assumptions and judgement towards women who have several sexual partners with no intention of having a conventional relationship with any of them. But these are other people's issues, not mine, so I let them have them. i don't want them.

Yes, you can fall in love with a FWB, but you can also fall for a platonic friend, or a stranger you just met, or a workmate, or your DC's teacher. That does not mean having FWBs is not great!

aurynne · 29/04/2022 02:45

Oh, and about what I tell other people about them... if they are friends with whom I often discuss intimacy then I tell them the truth, that they are FWBs, or "special friends". With acquaintances I don't discuss intimacy with... then they don't need an explanation of the kind of friends they are. if they are truly curious I will say they're "special friends" and leave it at that. I have no problems with my behaviour and I am very proud about who /i am and what i do in my life, if others have an issue then I leave it clear it is THEIR issue and I want nothing of it.

Lamb0104 · 02/05/2022 18:25

Sorry if I'm jumping on a thread thats too old now but been reading for a couple of days.
This is something I'm starting to think about with someome i know but never done it before.

How is it different to the sex in a relationship? Do you just have sex or is it still close and intimate? Do you still kiss and be passionate when doing it or is kissing too intimate?

Do you tend to leave after or stay the night? Is there cuddles and hugs? Hand holding etc? I miss the closeness of a relationship (and sex) but happy to be single. A friend to hang out with and have sex with sounds ideal but im not sure i could have sex without the above all interlinked.

fishingforflies · 02/05/2022 18:35

Lamb0104 · 02/05/2022 18:25

Sorry if I'm jumping on a thread thats too old now but been reading for a couple of days.
This is something I'm starting to think about with someome i know but never done it before.

How is it different to the sex in a relationship? Do you just have sex or is it still close and intimate? Do you still kiss and be passionate when doing it or is kissing too intimate?

Do you tend to leave after or stay the night? Is there cuddles and hugs? Hand holding etc? I miss the closeness of a relationship (and sex) but happy to be single. A friend to hang out with and have sex with sounds ideal but im not sure i could have sex without the above all interlinked.

Grin yes there is passionate and just bog standard affectionate kissing (this isn't Pretty Women).
We cook together, hang out, help in each other gardens, days out, weekends away etc. Hold hands, wake up together, chat, share our worries and hopes etc.
We don't hang out with each other's friends or family at all or at Christmas etc - but apart from that (and no future planning together) it's pretty like a bf/gf situation when we are together (about once a week). But apart we rarely text or call each other.
We are friends not just fuck buddies and the sex is great and we wouldn't see each other as much if we weren't having sex - but the friendship is really important too.

That's how we do it, but obviously everyone is different and I think I'm incredibly lucky at the moment, but one day one of us will move on and that's going to be hard.

Lamb0104 · 02/05/2022 19:22

Thanks, i thought there must be. I couldn't imagine sex with that!
Sounds like you have an ideal situation. Definitely something that me and my friend could get into. Sounds not too dissimilar to a few of my past relationships.

Obviously each person is different and what works for one won't always work for another but that just answered a few of my main queries! Ha

sammylady37 · 02/05/2022 21:15

Lamb0104 · 02/05/2022 18:25

Sorry if I'm jumping on a thread thats too old now but been reading for a couple of days.
This is something I'm starting to think about with someome i know but never done it before.

How is it different to the sex in a relationship? Do you just have sex or is it still close and intimate? Do you still kiss and be passionate when doing it or is kissing too intimate?

Do you tend to leave after or stay the night? Is there cuddles and hugs? Hand holding etc? I miss the closeness of a relationship (and sex) but happy to be single. A friend to hang out with and have sex with sounds ideal but im not sure i could have sex without the above all interlinked.

I have a mix.
i have one ’main’ guy with whom I spend one weekend a month. We kiss, are affectionate, snuggle on the couch, cook together, drink wine and dance in the kitchen etc. we text in between meet ups, and we go for trips away, in fact we’re going away for two nights this week. But, we’re not romantically involved, we’re not in love and we have no expectations of such.

Another guy, we meet for sex, and that’s pretty much it. We do send links to articles etc in between meet ups but we don’t keep each other updated on our lives, which I do with the first guy mentioned above.

My 3rd, we meet for dinner and a drink before retiring to bed. We spend the night together and go our separate ways after breakfast.

OnlyClothes · 02/05/2022 23:22

Do you use condoms then?

I had a kind of fwb a month or so ago. But I didn’t like the lack of texting, I found it made me anxious.

I’m now talking to a different man who texts, asks questions etc, I feel much more comfortable with that.

And you can see it as a relationship really. I see ONS at one end, full on relationships and living together etc at the other end, and fwb anywhere along that line, wherever you like. I prefer monogamous from a safety point of view (if I wasn’t so cautious I would LOVE to have three on the go) and it’s a little like a ‘relationship-lite’ I suppose.

sammylady37 · 03/05/2022 02:34

Do you use condoms then?

yep. And I have been sterilised, so that’s the contraception side doubled down on.

OnlyClothes · 03/05/2022 03:44

I much prefer without condoms, that’s the problem. I guess other than making it a monogamous pairing, would be to make the third person also within that monogamous unit.

sammylady37 · 03/05/2022 03:51

OnlyClothes · 03/05/2022 03:44

I much prefer without condoms, that’s the problem. I guess other than making it a monogamous pairing, would be to make the third person also within that monogamous unit.

I’ve no intention of being monogamous, not of asking others to be, so condoms it is!

sammylady37 · 03/05/2022 03:54

sammylady37 · 03/05/2022 03:51

I’ve no intention of being monogamous, not of asking others to be, so condoms it is!

Show quote history

nor of asking others, that should say!

OnlyClothes · 03/05/2022 14:12

@sammylady37 hi, this a genuine question, forgive me for my naivety, what about oral? And do condoms protect against everything else?

(I’m not being snarky, it’s a genuine question)

sammylady37 · 03/05/2022 16:09

Hi @OnlyClothes

no, condoms don’t protect against everything, but they’re the best option in terms of protection. Not foolproof, but nothing is (other than abstinence, and where’s the fun in that?!)

for oral, it depends on who it’s with, tbh. I don’t do it with all of them.

OnlyClothes · 03/05/2022 16:23

Is there any difference between giving and receiving (in terms of not testing first)?

Or are both equally safe/not safe?

OnlyClothes · 03/05/2022 16:24

Sorry I meant giving and receiving oral

SexEdInMy50s · 03/05/2022 16:39

OnlyClothes · 03/05/2022 16:23

Is there any difference between giving and receiving (in terms of not testing first)?

Or are both equally safe/not safe?

Thanks for asking - I want to know too.
PP has said about using flavoured condoms for oral but tbh that grosses me out, just can’t see the fun in that for either of us

Very grateful to everyone for sharing their experiences as this is not a topic I can talk about in real life. And it’s good to see that casual FWB can work out for some

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/05/2022 16:59

Oral chlamydia and gonorrhea are IME a lot less hassle to deal with than the genital infections.

Your chances of catching or passing anything except herpes via cunnilingus is pretty negligible.

I have a FWB of 6 years standing. We don't meet up very often anymore as I moved away, but we keep in touch via WhatsApp. We are very much friends and we don't have sex every time we meet (although that's unusual).

There was a point when I was in danger of catching feelings early on. I Googled his corporate head shot. He looked like a right prat. Every time I started getting a bit misty eyed, I pulled up his head shot on my phone 😂

EBearhug · 03/05/2022 17:11

Is there any difference between giving and receiving (in terms of not testing first)?

If one of you is infected, then it's best to avoid entirely. This would assume you've had an STI test to know - and there's been enough of a gap for it to show up. HIV can take 12 weeks. Some infections may be asymptomatic.

If you're exchanging body fluids, there's a risk.

altmember · 03/05/2022 17:23

Only had a couple of FwB arrangements. Both times one person caught (or maybe already had) feelings. And I suspect that's very often the case with established FwB arrangements. Everyone's different though, and perhaps some people are much better at compartmentalising the sex from the emotional side. But I've never even had a ONS (just doesn't appeal to me at all), so I think the only way a casual arrangement would work for me is if it's very infrequent and there's no real friendship involved - more what I'd describe as a booty call/fuck buddy arrangement.