Tell me about your Friends with Benefits situationships

[Littlegreenfrogcake]

I am 3 weeks into a new FWB situation, and I am REALLY enjoying it. I love that there's no pressure, expectations or emotional weight to it. I was really upfront I do not want or need a relationship and that I needed to connect with someone before the sex could happen.

Due to various reasons, much as i like the guy as a friend, and the sex is GREAT, I know I wouldn't consider him relationship material. So I'm not worried about that so far.

What are others' experiences? Anything I should look out for over the coming months?? Has it worked/not worked for you?

I have a spare FWB if anybody wants to borrow one. Good working order and responds to commands 😂.

One of them, I had to tell him to back off. it started as a " you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" then he would linger after, then want to hold hands. it was a very awkward conversation. Only lasted a couple of months.

The other one went on for 6 years or so... off an on when we were both single... then the contraceptive failed. Now I still see him when he visits our son but no hanky panky😂

Where do you find these guys? Serious question!

From my perspectives, I'd say clear communications about what your looking for, what activities you both like ect, sorta like a checklist of activities and the levels of importance, then what your perspectives and expectations are.

Id guess it's not getting emotional about the arrangement, and as best as possible keep it clinical. I know it's easier said, but it's a mix at times.

I'm also dating, although I don't know if he is.
We went on a date last year and while we have chemistry he's a huge man child. But we have a laugh, great sex and he is packing LOL.

Not sure how long it will last, but we are having dinner tomorrow and more fun, so I'm going to enjoy it for what it is.

QUESTION :- what, if anything, do you tell friends and family if you have a FWB?

Assume you might tell someone very close? (Eg, sibling or BF) But I’m talking about parents, and wider circle that you wouldn’t normally discuss sex with…

Do you say you are dating?
Or do you just not tell anyone if you have an overnight guest, or stay out yourself?

OLD…
especially free sites eg/ Tinder, POF

Even if you are looking for proper relationship, plenty of men will offer…

I have told a few friends, I keep quiet with the majority. The issue with telling some is that they try to make more of it - one last week was asking why it can't be a relationship as I enjoy it so much. I prefer not to even go there in terms of thinking about it.

Its a nice little secret to keep.

Especially when my ex is being a dick at handover - in my head I'm like "blah blah blah, I'm off to have sex now, see ya!"

Thanks @KimCheese I suspected keeping secret would be easier than saying I am dating, or spending time with a platonic or female friend…

And thanks for great advice/tips earlier on too - especially about communicating and expectations eg/ on how to end things, good idea to discuss in the early days

👍🏻😆

@SexEdInMy50s as I mentioned in similar thread in the Sex forum, unlike dating (but maybe dating should be more like this) this is the most frank, honest and upfront you can ever be. This is what I want, what do you want, shall we do it?

My closest female friends know I have a few gentlemen callers but other than that I don’t tend to discuss it with people. And even with my friends, I don’t tell them about planned/recent encounters unless it is specifically relevant to the conversation. My sex life isn’t anyone else’s business

I agree with @sammylady37 - it's all about passion, discretion and privacy.

Absolute nightmare.. we met on fab swingers. Slept together first meeting, he was hot I was happy..
Then found out he uses coke. Thought whatever, shouldn't effect me. Then he started sending weird messages while on coke, getting aggressive, not overly nasty but picking arguments over absolutely nothing. Then he would say sorry the next day, admit he has a problem... carried on meeting the sex was great... then he asked if he could borrow money. I should have said no and if he blocked me whatever but I didn't. Lent him £140 over easter weekend. Then he started avoiding me, arranging to meet then just not texting to confirm and ignoring me when I asked. Was meant to see him Thursday he left my messages on unread but active on fab. He got in touch yesterday and said I can swing by now if u like and give your money back. So I said yes didn't want him fucking me about again! Got it and he said I've had it all the time but I've just been doing drugs. Ugh now I have my money I really have the ick and can't believe I lowered myself to that shit. Also on many occasions he would say I hope your not chatting or meeting anyone else when I see him active on fab. I'm sure if u meet the right person and both know the score it can be great but my experience pretty shit.

There are scoundrels everywhere - I'm sorry you had such a bad time.

Do you follow lalalaletmeexplain? She'll sort you right out. I think she'd describe him as a 'wasteman' category of fuckboy.

Do you think though its taught you a bit about your boundaries?

I'd love to think this is possible for me. I really don't want a real relationship, but I just can't see how having sex with someone you like, respect and have fun with is really any different/ won't lead to disaster.

Are these real friends or just people you know? If you have a proper close freondship and then sleep with them....

Do they all know about each other ?

@KimCheese
“… is the most frank, honest and upfront you can ever be. This is what I want, what do you want, shall we do it?”
Love this, and quite agree - if only dating was this honest! It would be so much simpler - but then FWB wouldn’t be needed - an emotional connection as well as great sex would be perfect but most men aren’t brilliant at the communicating part

@StarlightLady and @sammylady37 - thanks for your insights too.
I agree it isn’t anyone else’s business but for safety I think I will need to make sure one person knows where I am going (and expects a text from me at a certain time).

Ooh, I wondered that too - and do they also have multiple partners?
Do you have regular check-ups/ use condom etc…?

And sorry to be naive here - am I right that some STIs are catchable with oral? If that’s the case, why bother with condoms?

This is why I’m looking online… I don’t want to risk embarrassment or loss of a real life friend/acquaintance. Not to mention the possibility he wouldn’t be discreet (either during, or after)
Much better to find a stranger, and be clear about what you both want

That said, I’m still ‘interviewing for my FWB’ position! And don’t know yet if I am capable of just DTD many times with same person and not developing feelings. I think I will be… in theory!

I had one…after a while he developed into a boyfriend then a fiancé
we are non monogamous and we both have a FWB. Mine has a serious partner so it’s all good, we met on fab. DP prefers to meet on tinder (men get nowhere on fab as a rule) but this brings issues. Often women think they are looking for FWB but they get attached and that’s when he has to say goodbye. He’s upfront about the situation but there have been two who developed feelings and one was a bit of a messy end despite it ostensibly being very casual.
my advice is don’t see someone with a partner if you aren’t dating/seeing more than one person too, and generally be wary of poly people if you don’t think that’s who you are.

Mine is nice.

We've known each other for years. It's FWBs because we have a lot of mutual friends.

If we ever went official, there'd be way too many people invested in 'oh how sweet...Corvus & FWBbloke!' on the one hand, & disgruntled exes on the other - we are acquaintances of each other's ex spouses.

Both of our marriages have been over for years, long before we started eyeing each other up. But no point causing unnecessary drama.

Plus we both have teenagers, who have busy lives, exams coming up & don't need to be worrying about parental, erm, extra curricular activities.

We have a deal that we'll knock it on the head if either of us start catching feelings. Which seems unlikely, tbh - we've known each other for 3 decades without being troubled by romantic yearnings! Same applies if either of us meets anyone they want to pursue a proper relationship with.

Meanwhile, we grab a takeaway, watch a movie, have a few drinks & go to bed once a month or so, when we're both free for the weekend. We don't go out - that would feel like dating - & we don't chat excessively online in between - it tends to be a 'fancy coming over on Friday? Cool, see you then' level of communication.

It's very very relaxed & suits us both.

If I'm completely honest, though, I know he's keener than I am; not suggesting he's desperate to sweep me off my feet, but he's always fancied me whereas it was a much slower burn from my side. But yeah, so far so good.

I like the honesty, too. They know they're not exclusive with me. They might know I've met with another, but they don't usually get details - wouldn't be fair.

Met them through OLD, apart from one I just had a very excellent weekend with, and I'd probably be prepared to drop the rest of them for him, but logistics mean it would be very difficult.

They are all different though. I think a couple of them get off on being one of a string of lovers.

And sorry to be naive here - am I right that some STIs are catchable with oral? If that’s the case, why bother with condoms?

Yes. If you do a postal STI check, some offer the option of oral checks, as well as bloods and vaginally swab. (I assume men get some sort of penile option.)