If You Have Been Married Quite A While, What’s Your Secret?

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

DH & I have been together just over 21 years & celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in May. It’s not been an easy ride by any means & I have posted on here in the past when we were going through a hellish time but we are here & stronger than ever. The main thing I would say is that no matter how tough it gets, DH can always make me laugh. We laugh together every day.

We've been together 23 years. I think the most important thing is respect for each other. I've seen other couples married at the same time end up treating each other with contempt and that's the death knell for a relationship. We've had a couple of tough times but never considered anything other than being together, we are a unit and a partnership and are completely in it together.

My secret was that I had £20k in a hidden exit fund. All saved before we married.

I did exit

We laugh a lot, have a good friendship and also have a lot of sex. Married 20 years.

I think the secret is laughing or managing to enjoy time with each other year after year.

Unfortunately, a long marriage is not necessarily a happy one. my guess is that half the people in long marriages stay because they enjoy each other’s company, the other half because they can’t afford to leave.

We didn't get married until we'd lived with eachother for nearly a decade. We grew together so we enjoy the same things, we both prefer staying in of an evening, most of my friends have split with their husbands because of incompatibility on one wanting to go out and the other preferring to stay in. We have the same sense of humour, we have similar but not identical jobs so we can understand when we are going through a tough time at work. We also don't really have anyone else, our parents aren't massively involved with our or DC's lives, so it's all on us which means we have to be a good partnership.

We laugh, we talk, we are best friends, we genuinely like each other. There's a lot of mutual respect and trust, and we give each other space when we need it. He's always pulled his weight at home and with the DC. He's great 🙂

Together 34 years, married 32 this summer.

He can be a bit of a dick at times but so can I, it works both ways. We do still laugh, enjoy going out for drinks/meals/weekends and holidays. don’t hold a grudge, tend to have a little blow up then move on. I have friends that ignore each other for a week after a disagreement, couldn’t be doing with that.

Another big thing is that he’s always been happy for me to have my nights out with friends and weekends with them, despite not doing much like that himself.

Been together 35 years, married for 26. DCs early 20s, one at uni, one at home.

we met young but I think we got lucky and I do think he’s got even more handsome with age 🥰

Generosity - finding little ways every day to do something nice for each other, and politeness - never taken each other so much for granted that we stop saying please/thank you, hello/goodbye.

We've been together 44 years, married for almost 42. We had a very rocky time about 20 years ago, then sorted it out, I came to my senses, and everything has been great since. We spend time together, even if it's staying in and watching tv. We support each other and are relaxed with each other.

Accept that there will be times when you want out, but that will probably pass.

Have a rich life running alongside the marriage (career, friends, interests).

We have been together for 37 yrs married for 30+ and the only sticky patch we have had was about 4 yrs into the marriage when his family caused us a lot of issues . Once we had sorted that it’s been plain sailing . We get on remarkably well and he supports anything and everything I do - he is now WFH permanently and that is really brilliant .

24 years and counting .

We had a very rough patch because we weren't communicating. We were not listening to each other.
There was a period of about 3 years that was particularly bad. Then we realised we just weren't listening to each other. We were both deciding what the other meant instead of actually hearing them. We both behaved badly in different ways.

So we eventually sat down and thrashed it all out because we knew it was make or break for us. We properly understood each other after that.

Like others the thing that matters most is that we laugh. At ourselves, at each other, hell we even take the piss out of difficult situations we've faced, including the really hard patch.

You have to be a team. You can't turn on each other when things are tough, you have to face things together.

You need to feel the same way about the really important stuff. Important child related choices, attitude to money, that sort of thing.

It's also good to have things you don't agree on so you've got stuff to debate. Politics is one of ours.

For us, it's also important that we don't shout or sulk or anything like that. We talk. The louder someone shouts, the harder it is to hear them.

We've been together 36 years married for 25 so got together young. Two biggest things are 1. Compromise - building a life together is an unending process of negotiation and finding a way to make both parties happy 2. Lean in when you want to lean out - so at your angriest or most resentful try and take a deep breath and reach out - that ones really hard but I think is really important.

Together 20 years, married 16.

We are both kind, gentle people who treat each other like kings.

If we disagree we talk and work out what went wrong and both apologise.

We have been through some big stuff together (he kind of things often cited as reasons couples break up) but have always been a team.

He makes me happy.

Met at Uni - best friends for 7 years, then realised we properly loved each other, Married for 20 years.

We are both really like each other
Still do special / thoughtful things for each other
Similar values - with most things, including our children
We NEVER leave the house or go to sleep without saying I love you
Still go on dates - just us

And I still really fancy him.

25 years. No-one I'd rather do stuff with.. the big ticket holidays and the pottering round the kitchen and garden.

We enjoy similar music, films, eating out. Similar views on money and life goals.

Oh, and we don't have kids which removes a whole level of stress.

Been together more than 30 years - 3 children and one with special needs which has been tough - both v easy going not the arguing or fiery type which helps. Really great friends and make each other laugh a lot. Can still go out for a meal/weekend away and have loads to talks about.

Oh, and being kind to each other and treating each other with respect. Never ceases to amaze me the nasty way some couples speak to each other.

I agree with the no kids = no stress comment.
Probably also willingness to compromise.
Similar values but no sentimentality.
Separate hobbies - often do weekends/weeks apart - but also enjoy other things together, especially holidays.
For me at least, realisation that none of us should expect another person to make us happy - we have to do that for ourselves.

I don't think there's some sort of secret recipe for marriage. I think you just have to marry the right person in the first place, that's all.

I have a box into which I put all the cards, notes, letters, silly gifts etc that my DH has given me that have made me smile and feel happy, along with other keepsakes from special times together. I have everything from his very first love letter to me to his most recent (loving) note written a couple of weeks ago to cheer me up after a trip to the dentist that left me feeling very down and looking like a bad hamster impression (very swollen jaw 😖).

We've been together 18 years, and like most people have had some really rough times as well as the good ones. And, like most, there have been times when I have wondered if I should leave. But that's when I get my box out. I read his notes, look at the photos, see the silly, loving, wonderful and crazy things he has shared with me and somehow (even if it takes a couple of days now and again) I fall back in love with him again.

It's so easy to focus only on the bad when things are tough, but it's good to remind yourself of the good things you might have forgotten.

I was married 20 years, together 23.

The secret is you both have to be committed to the relationship and making it work, not just one of you.

Together 30+ years, married 27.

Give and take is the rule. Each of us have our mental health challenges so we thrive on looking out for the other, even if we don't feel like it. He says he plans to make me laugh every day. Every night he's home (he works away 1-2 nights a week) we get into bed and snuggle up and he always says "nicest part of the day!" Except on Friday nights when it's "nicest part of the week".

We talk a lot. We listen to each other. We encourage each other to do the things that scare us a bit. We have each other's backs.

25 years. He's my best friend. Similar values, shared goals. Same parenting style. Never bored when he's around.

27 years together. We absolutely love each other. We've been through some dreadful crap like miscarriages, my parents died young and problems with children. But we always stick by each other and support, pulling together, not pulling apart. We're best friends, albeit we have friend best friends too. We holiday together but also with our friends separately so have our own space too. We always tell each other we love each other and we kiss daily - I love him 💕 I can see myself being with my DH til I'm worm fodder or vice versa