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Original poster

If You Have Been Married Quite A While, What’s Your Secret?

65 replies

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 23/04/2022 19:32

DH & I have been together just over 21 years & celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in May. It’s not been an easy ride by any means & I have posted on here in the past when we were going through a hellish time but we are here & stronger than ever. The main thing I would say is that no matter how tough it gets, DH can always make me laugh. We laugh together every day.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 23/04/2022 23:10

30 years here, and I honestly think that it's been so much harder than I could ever have imagined. It's not been hearts and flowers, alot of times it's felt like a punishment.

He has moments of kindness and care, but in the main he puts the self into selfish, always has had and always will do. I actually envy him the ability to not have to think of others before himself because I'm the polar opposite and often end up simmering with resentment at being put on.

I'm very envious of some of the stories above.

MVision · 23/04/2022 23:25

It’s interesting laughter comes up such a lot - on the surface it seems such a superficial thing but I’m sure there is a research project in the value of laughter in keeping a relationship healthy in the long term

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/04/2022 23:29

Been together 34 years and married for 24.

The secret? Just like and respect each other really. The rest just follows

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/04/2022 23:32

and honestly, it hasn't been hard at all. There have been hard times, but always external to 'us' and always met as a united front

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/04/2022 23:38

Only been married 7 months but been together almost 20 years. Mutual respect, talking through problems, laughing together and making time for each other

Wherearemymarbles · 24/04/2022 00:31

Extremely high boredom threshold :)

StooOrangeyForCrows · 24/04/2022 07:47

He understands women as he was close to his DMum and DSister. I was and still am a tomboy so we are very similar. We treat each other with politeness and respect even over the small things and we talk over the day every day without fail.

As soon as the respect goes out of any relationship, unless huge efforts are made to get it back, it's over.

Fairislefandango · 24/04/2022 07:55

I don't think there's some sort of secret recipe for marriage. I think you just have to marry the right person in the first place, that's all.

^This. Dh and I will have been married 20 years next summer. It hasn't ever been hard work at all tbh. We have bever needed to try to 'make things work' - they just do! We never fall out, never row. We get on brilliantly and enjoy each other's company. Admittedly we've been very fortunate to have pretty easy dc, no traumatic life events etc, so nothing to rock the boat for us.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 24/04/2022 08:22

Together more than 20 years married 18 years .
yes to laugh together, and respect each other .
communication and compromise too .
we also do things together and separately and that’s works for us .

MrsMangelsPortrait · 24/04/2022 08:22

Dh and I have been together over 20 years. I think the key to our 'success' has been to be absolutely transparent with each other over how we feel. If one of us pisses the other off they we are utterly upfront about it. We disagree, we bicker, we annoy each other with our less attractive traits. However nothing festers, and a disagreement will be thrashed out and resolved very quickly.

We share the same sense of humour, the same values, and the same outlook on life. We have great sex, not as often as we did when younger of course, but these days I'd rather have quality than quantity Smile. Over the years we have worked on our bedroom compatibility with honesty and compassion.

As parents we have encountered far more tests to our relationship than we would have done without children, and our main disagreements are often over the handling of certain child issues as they come up, however our parenting philosophy is the same and we stand as a united front as much as possible.

Our hardest time was when the children were small but I feel that now we're out the other side of it we are really enjoying each other's company more and more. My favourite evenings are those just spent with him watching telly!

I also still find him unbelievably attractive - he's ageing very well indeed 😋

needmorethanthis · 24/04/2022 08:34

Can I ask all of the long term couples on here if you still sleep in the same room as each other? The same bed? Is that a factor in staying together?

Tagliatellme · 24/04/2022 08:37

Friendship and kindness. I think that sums it up really.

cptartapp · 24/04/2022 08:41

Married 21 years but together for ten years before that. Together nine years before even getting engaged to minimise the risk of a failed engagement and subsequent separation. Also lived together first for five years and made sure there were no 'accidental' pregnancies that would strain the relationship before we were ready.
We had very little help too once DC came along so had to be a team.

Floralnomad · 24/04/2022 10:03

needmorethanthis · 24/04/2022 08:34

Can I ask all of the long term couples on here if you still sleep in the same room as each other? The same bed? Is that a factor in staying together?

We do , but I’m not sure that is a factor as I know a couple who don’t and have been together for over 30 yrs and seem very happy .

Fairislefandango · 24/04/2022 10:32

Can I ask all of the long term couples on here if you still sleep in the same room as each other? The same bed? Is that a factor in staying together?

We do, but I don't think that's a factor in us having a happy marriage. I guess it could be one possible symptom of not having an unhappy marriage. But I don't see any reason why it wouldn't be possible to have separate rooms within a happy marriage if it suited both partners for whatever reason.

Sswhinesthebest · 24/04/2022 10:35

Respect for each other and lots of friends who provide things that he can’t, and vice versa.
Common aims and values.
Both family oriented.

HazelBite · 24/04/2022 11:26

Married 45 years. I think a lot of our sucess is down to the fact we like each other, and we respect each other as individuals.
Our hardest time was when the 2 oldest Dc's were young I had to give up work and I felt a bit of a nobody, but that was my issue and we survived.
I recently turned 70 and DH and DDil arranged a surprise party, the speech DH made at the party (about me) made me very emotional as he is not a romantically demostrative man but I know he cares.

SantiagodeCompostela · 24/04/2022 11:30

HeddaGarbled · 23/04/2022 20:22

Accept that there will be times when you want out, but that will probably pass.

Have a rich life running alongside the marriage (career, friends, interests).

Agree with this. Don’t lose yourself in the marriage. DH and I have very different working lives, a major shared interest and our own friends and pastimes. Married 27 years.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 24/04/2022 11:37

I agree with the lean in comments. Forgive each other, choose love even when you don't feel it. Building a life together is impossible if one is half out the door at every difficulty.

Been married 19 years. Not always easy, but neither of us is exactly the easiest personality type 😄 shared values, shared goals, mutual respect. And yes, having fun together.

frozendaisy · 24/04/2022 11:44

Still think each other is hot and we make each other laugh. Rest is icing.

Mother87 · 24/04/2022 13:49

Not wanting a divorce on the same day (22 years in)

Mountainpika · 24/04/2022 15:50

Love, obviously.
Trust. Being with someone you can trust, who will never let you down in various situations. And be someone yourself who can be trusted.
Similar values and outlook on life.
Give and take.
Don't expect the other to be perfect - you're not perfect yourself, and in any case, a perfect person would be incredibly boring.
Been together 50 years, married 48.

CharSiu · 24/04/2022 15:55

Laugh together and know we need time apart as well as together.
we actually don’t agree on some subjects and I’m glad as we both love a debate. Though attitudes to money and parenting are the same.

artisanbread · 24/04/2022 15:58

Not married but been with DP for 20 years. Space is the key! We pretty much do our own thing most of the time but always have a chat when we get home from work and eat dinner together with the DC. Once a week we have dinner together just the two of us and often watch a movie or series together but most other evenings and weekends we do our own thing. Mostly we are busy with our jobs and the DC but we are both teachers and make sure we plan stuff to do together (usually as a family) in the school holidays when we spend more time together.

Things are not perfect and we don't have as many intimate moments as we used to have but are happy with those we do have. We generally get on well and are a good team. Also we share similar values and political views which I think helps avoid arguments.

artisanbread · 24/04/2022 16:01

Can I ask all of the long term couples on here if you still sleep in the same room as each other? The same bed? Is that a factor in staying together?

No, we have mostly separate beds. Think that's why we're still together. DH has bad insomnia and I couldn't have put up with 20 years of his tossing and turning. Equally, he couldn't cope with the co-sleeping years when the DC were small.