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Original poster

DH wants us to live together as friends

61 replies

Justateweetabix · 23/04/2022 19:12

I had a previous thread about my husbands diabetes. Don't know how to link it to this thread.
Basically my husband was not looking after himself, was in bad health mentally and physically but didn't care. I was at the end of my tether.
Things have come to a head in the last few days and we have amicably decided to separate.

I can't afford to move out, I have a teenager daughter also. He owns the house we live in.
He wants us to continue living together as friends. We would still share a bed. He says he still loves me but as a friend, I feel the same way. We haven't had sex for a very long time as he suffers impotence. The affection and intimacy has totally gone and we really are just housemates. We still get along.
He seems to think his suggestion is totally fine and makes sense and I don't really see how I have any choice at this point. He is planning to sell the house and says he will give me a significant amount of money but obviously I can't rely on him actually doing this. I don't even know if I would be entitled to anything if he was to sell.
I just feel stuck and can't get my head around what I should do.

OP posts:
fishingforflies · 23/04/2022 19:26

???

So he wants a live in nurse/maid/prisoner?

If you are married you jointly own the home. I suspect he knows this which is why he wants you to stay.

I suggest you go and see a solicitor and read up about marital assets etc.

I can see how this arrangement might suit some people, but that wouldn't be living to me.

Noname1999 · 23/04/2022 19:28

Go see a lawyer. Find out what you are entitled to and make your decision from there.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/04/2022 19:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Choice4567 · 23/04/2022 19:28

Are you married?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/04/2022 19:30

So own cooking, washing, tidying up after yourselves? Totally seperate finances. Divorce applied for. No expectation on your to provide any care?

Or just carry I nas now until you forget you're meant to be divorcing or he meets someone new

SupposeItDoesnt · 23/04/2022 19:30

If you’re married then the house is both of yours. A marital asset. See a lawyer asap. Don’t let him hold you back!

Soultrader · 23/04/2022 19:32

If you're married he doesn't just get to unilaterally decide how much money you get. See a lawyer.

gamerchick · 23/04/2022 19:33

I wouldn't. He's heading for a major failing in health going on what you've said. You'll be trapped as his carer. I certainly wouldn't be sharing a bed what if you meet someone? Don't say it won't happen, none of us know what's around the next corner.

pog100 · 23/04/2022 19:33

If you are married he doesn't own a house, you both do, in that it is a marital asset. He also doesn't get "to give you", you are each entitled to at least half of the joint marital assets. At least everything accrued while you have been together and probably more. It works both ways though, I seem to remember you saying he has no pension, your pension is a marital asset. You both need to independently see solicitors before you agree any of this.

Gliblet · 23/04/2022 19:41

He may well change his mind when you remind him that friends don't wash friends' laundry, cook their meals, do their grocery shopping, or clean up after them. Oh, and he's the one who's decided he doesn't want sex any more, not you - so how is he going to feel when his 'friend' starts bringing home dates?

ilaandm · 23/04/2022 19:46

I was on your other thread.
I'm glad you have decided to separate as that was just going to be an awful situation with his health in the not too distant future.
However, this situation of you living together as friends is totally unacceptable. You will still be stuck running around after him when he becomes more ill as a result of his diabetes. When he can't walk because of leg ulcers or he loses a limb, you'll be the one taking him to the hospital appointments and caring for him because you're his "friend" and "that's what friends do".
You'll still have the irritation of watching him eat himself to death.

I would suggest you go to a solicitor immediately to get advice on what a divorce settlement could look like. He can't just make random promises to sell the house and give you some money. It all needs to be tied up legally.

Meanwhile can you move into another room because why would you want to keep sharing a bed with him?

OhThatChicken · 23/04/2022 19:51

I'm so sorry to read this, I remember your previous thread and how upset and worried you've been all this time.

Definitely see if you can get some legal advice and figure out what YOU what. Because it seems to me you've been worrying all this time that he's going to keep eating poorly/making choices that will affect his health leaving him ill, incapacitated or, worse, dead and you will have to cope with being his nurse and picking up the pieces.

Hasn't he basically just offered you the crappy end of that deal just now without any of the perks of being in a loving and fun relationship? Why on earth would or should you settle for that? You deserve better.

I'm so sorry @Justateweetabix. This is just horrible.

GreenClock · 23/04/2022 19:55

This won’t work long term. You’ll end up feeling trapped. See a solicitor and divorce as amicably as you can.

There’s no reason why you can’t be friends in future but sharing a house isn’t wise, never mind a bed!

AnotherEmma · 23/04/2022 19:59

As everyone else said, get legal advice.
Obviously living together is not going to work.
Some sources of legal advice:

Advicenow. The website has lots of helpful detailed guides to divorce and separation, plus they have a low cost family law service.

Your local Citizens Advice - they will know about law clinics and solicitors offering a free or low cost initial consultation.

Rights of Women website and free family law helpline.

Daenerys77 · 23/04/2022 20:15

You need to file for divorce. The court will decide what share of the house and other assets you should get, and can force the sale of the house.

Mirrorball2022 · 23/04/2022 20:32

I remember your last post. Surely if you are in the same house, same bed and room! The issues that are driving you crazy about him will still be there. It may be an interim solution while you gather yourself but long term… nope! What about household chores/routine? Separate meals/washing/cleaning etc. separate lives: nights out, holidays etc?

if he had a sudden serious health failure, would you leave him to it? Or would you end up caring for him even as a friend? Clean break needed so that you ( not him) can move on. He gets to just carry on as normal in the proposed situation and you will still be stressed. Be careful.

RandomMess · 23/04/2022 20:40

Seriously you just serve him with divorce papers and you will get most likely at least 50% of the assets.

He wants you there to do all the wife work and for everything else to carry on as usual and he still won't take responsibility for anything.

Original poster
Justateweetabix · 23/04/2022 20:51

Yes you're right, I think it's just all so fresh I haven't had a chance to get my head around it. I'll look into legal advice on Monday.
I've always just assumed I wouldn't have rights to the house as I'm not on the mortgage and we don't have children together. Maybe that's just what he's led me to believe.

I've already decided I won't be doing his laundry, cooking etc but haven't had a chance to discuss this with him as he has invited his son over for the weekend 🙄
I'm finding my anger with help from you lot!
I feel like I've been through enough

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2022 20:54

if you don’t divorce / separate properly you’ll end up as his carer anyway. Which I suspect is what he’s banking on.

and how much money you get from the house sale is not his decision to make.

RandomMess · 23/04/2022 20:58

How long have you been married?

Marriage is a contract, unless it's a very short marriage you will be entitled to some of the marital assets.

DeskInUse · 23/04/2022 20:59

Exactly what @fishingforflies said. Take legal advice, everything you both own, regardless of who bought it and who own it or who's name is on it, inc, pensions is considered a marital asset.

Plus I also suspect he's hoping to have a live in. It's when his diabetes eventually catches up with him

Original poster
Justateweetabix · 23/04/2022 21:00

Coming up to 7 years married

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/04/2022 21:01

Co-habiting directly before marriage counts too btw

Ellie56 · 23/04/2022 21:01

This is a terrible idea - you don't want to carry on living together as the risk of you ending up as his carer will still be there.

As others have said seek legal advice and divorce him asap.

Dealwithit · 23/04/2022 21:03

You need to be bloody careful.

you could potentially end up as carer, maid and everything with no sex love or affection and then he leaves his house to his children and his pension. So he gets everything and your get nothing.

he doesn’t decide how much you get - a court does and it starts at 50/50 if you have a child together your split could be more 70/30
etc

please don’t take the crumbs being offered. He doesn’t want a divorce as it isn’t in his interests but it is in your interest.