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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told my husband I want to end marriage - he’s pretending everything is fine

56 replies

Tenthnamechange · 23/04/2022 15:01

As the thread title says - I am really unhappy, have been for years and finally admitted it to myself and then to my husband. For me it was a huge step, and it dominates my thoughts. I openly told him I was only still with him because of the kids.

But DH , though upset at first, seems to think that everything is fine because he’s been on his best behaviour recently.

Part of me thinks he’s in denial, but he’s always been massively lacking in emotional intelligence so I do fear that he genuinely thinks it was just a blip or something, and that a few weeks of him bringing me coffee in bed has solved all the problems.

We walked passed a jewellery shop recently and he made a comment about eternity rings. ( WTF!!) I wanted to scream and run away but instead I just pretended I hadn’t heard and he got huffy.

I worry that we’ll carry on with this fakery until inevitably, he’ll behave like a massive arsehole, and I will snap.

I don’t want it to be like that though, I want to discuss it like rational adults, but I just don’t know how to raise the issue again as he’ll say he’s doing everything he can to make it better. It’s like he didn’t hear me when I said that nothing can make it better, his behaviour over the years has worn me down and I’ve had enough and I have completely checked out emotionally.

OP posts:
AthenaPopodopolous · 23/04/2022 15:03

Well why haven’t you left yet?

KangarooKenny · 23/04/2022 15:03

He probably thinks you’ve got PMT and will get over it.
Go online and file, or get a solicitor to do it. You don’t need him to agree.

sleepymum50 · 23/04/2022 15:20

Insist on relationship counselling. I have. I think my OH thinks we can make this work, but I’m pretty much checked out. He didn’t want to ‘share stuff with a stranger”, but I haven’t relented.

I’m keeping my mind open, but Im really thinking that this is the only way to get him to properly listen to me. Plus it gives him time to get used to the idea that it’s time to part.

We haven’t started or got a counsellor yet (he’s away working), and it’s possible that he’ll try and put it off, but this is my line in the sand.

Like you I feel it’s been ‘death by a thousand cuts’ and I got nothing left to give.

Original poster
Tenthnamechange · 23/04/2022 15:56

@sleepymum50 good luck, it sounds like we’re in a similar boat

as to why I haven’t left already, partly practicalities of having young kids and no support system around me , partly fear and partly lack of planning . I’ve thought so much about how I feel and how I’ve got here that I haven’t given any time to thinking about HOW to end it. I know I need to do that, it’s just harder when the other person seems like such an ostrich about it all

OP posts:
JustBloodyListen · 23/04/2022 16:02

If you are wanting to end the marriage why are you still doing things like going shopping together? Unless you are contemplating counselling or continuing the relationship despite being unhappy just carrying on doing all your normal activities as a family could well make him think it was just a blip. Before xh and I moved out we moved into separate bedrooms and had one day at the weekend when I took dc, one day when he did. We stopped doing things like going on holidays together, going to visit his/my family. It was a mutual agreement though so probably a bit easier.

You need to speak to him again if you are determined to see this through.

cornflakedreams · 23/04/2022 16:06

You need to start the process. Stop waiting for him to do it for you.

Instruct a solicitor.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 23/04/2022 16:09

If its taken you a couple of year to come to terms with it then it’s going to take him a while too. You need to start on your next step, see a solicitor, start living your life separately (why were you walking with him?), if you own your house get it valued and discuss putting it on the market.

Twizbe · 23/04/2022 16:12

It's time to get your ducks lined up.

Go online and find out how to divorce and what works for your situation.

You can find out if you're entitled to any benefits / child maintenance as well

Do you have any assets like a house or pensions that need to be discussed

See a solicitor and work out your action plan

Start to separate your income if needed.

Then sit down and go through this with him. At the moment you've said the words but not actually done anything.

If you can move out of the shared bed / bedroom

Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2022 16:13

There's not really anything else that he can do though is there? I mean you've told him it's over but that was weeks ago and you've still not made a move. So why wouldn't wouldn't assume you were just having a blip? I would.

Get the ball rolling.
In the mean time, make sure you are living separately. Don't share a bed and leave him to his own household chores and cooking his own food.

You can't tell someone it's over and then continue to act to the contrary.

'I wanted to scream'. Why didn't you? xD
You've told him its over so 'that's inappropriate because we are no longer together' would have been fine too.

But see your solicitor and get on with it. Quicker one is you leaves the less messy it will be. Tbh, it should provably be you leaving considering it is you that wants to break up. Kids will need to move bavk and forth between you yes, but, they will have to in the divorce anyway. So just get to it!

PerseverancePays · 23/04/2022 16:17

He doesn't want to separate so he's not going to help you, at the moment.
There's a fair amount to do; maybe start planning it out, and decide on the next step. That could be separate sleeping arrangements, seeing a solicitor, telling family, whatever. Just start the process and keep going until it's done, he might join in, he might not, one foot in front of the other.

Bagelsandbrie · 23/04/2022 16:24

If you really can’t leave yet then you need to
make everything as separate as possible - separate rooms / beds / don’t do his washing / don’t go shopping together etc etc. Otherwise he’s just going to get confused.

RandomMess · 23/04/2022 16:31

You need to read the threads by StuckInPollyannaMode her STBXH was just the same he has obstructed as much as possible and behaved like a petulant child.

cantdothisforever · 23/04/2022 16:33

Hi op

im in a similar situation except very recent. I finally said all the things I wanted to say and told my h how his emotional abuse and aggression and general angry persona had worn me down and after the last awful incident I just am unable to pretend and hope anymore.

it wasn’t planned as I’m still very much trying to organise myself but after him going through the usual cycle of anger and denial and blaming it on me he finally said he got it. But he’s now saying he feels things will be much better after our talk!

I am just going to try and keep the peace until I can safely say no there’s no going back we’re done.

i am seeing a solicitor soon so and an interview for a job next week. Maybe we a solicitor and find out where you stand and what your need to do?

good luck! I think we will need it!

KangarooKenny · 23/04/2022 16:50

You can file for divorce online, you don’t need a solicitor for that.

layladomino · 23/04/2022 16:57

It sounds a bit like you are both acting as if nothing has changed. As PP said, you've had a long time to get used to this idea, so you're well ahead of him in accepting it's going to happen. And as you're the one who wants it to happen, you need to set the ball rolling officially. Until you do that he can kid himself (or genuinely believe) you're going to stick together.

The ball's in your court, not his.

KangarooKenny · 23/04/2022 17:02

I told my DH we were over and he said he’d think about moving out, then I did nothing to follow through with it, and we’re still here.
If it’s really over you need a plan of action. Separate bedrooms, no cooking/washing for him, no family days out, no shopping together. You need to file for divorce and keep the momentum going.

Seafog · 23/04/2022 17:07

You seem mad he is not getting what you say, but it is because you aren't backing up what you say with actions.
If it is over, and you are done, you have to say so and end it
Either leave, or at least actively start searching for a new place.
No more shopping together, eating and household stuff. If you are done, be done
You can't leave things as they are but then be mad that he doesn't act like there has been a change.

Treacletoots · 23/04/2022 17:12

Ah yes. The head in sand approach. Mine did this too. After a week of returning from work to find he was still fucking there after I'd very calmly asked him to leave I started to get pissed off.

He then left for his mother's for the night. Returning the next morning. Gradually, after being told again, I'm deadly serious, I want a divorce, he left for a little longer each time and finally about a month later got the message and stopped coming back, unless it was to try and convince me to take him back because 'it was really bad for HIM' but still utterly unable to understand what was in it for ME (Fuck all)

You've got to stop behaving like a couple if you want things to change. Separate sleeping arrangements, stop cooking cleaning etc for him and preferably stop talking to him as well unless absolutely necessary and FGS stop shopping with or for him!

After all, you should always listen to what people DO not what they SAY and right now you're saying you want to divorce but your actions are saying the opposite.

Time to take that leap OP. Good luck

Idontgiveashitanymore · 23/04/2022 17:16

Just pack and leave

StooOrangeyForCrows · 23/04/2022 17:22

Why are you so passive? Start divorcing him. Why are you watching him for his reaction if it no longer means anything to you? He's not going to turn into what you want now no matter how long you stay so why are you not just cracking on?

museumum · 23/04/2022 17:25

I’m afraid that if you want to leave your marriage you need to do the work of leaving. You can’t expect the other person who doesn’t want to end it to do the work.

Badlifeday · 23/04/2022 17:31

He maybe thinks what you said was like an ultimatum, and if he behaves himself you'll change your mind.
Accepting coffee in bed from him is a very mixed message don't you think?

2catsandhappy · 23/04/2022 17:44

Can you put a mattress in a dc room?dining room and move out of the marital bedroom? Stop the couples shopping, no more watching tv together or anything like that. Drop any organising you do for him. Be much less available. Delegate 'stuff' to him.
Actions speak louder than words. Tell him it is all too little too late but back it up with actions!

Original poster
Tenthnamechange · 23/04/2022 18:14

Thanks for all your replies, genuinely helpful

I think deep down I’m scared of forcing the issue as I know how horrific he will make my life. I can’t believe that I actually found the courage to tell him i wanted out in the first place, I’ve spent years and years swallowing down my true feelings

He can be an incredibly vindictive bully and I know there is a good chance I’ll end up living in a shack with limited access to my kids. ( a PP mentioned it and yes i am passive in my marriage , though it’s long since curdled into passive aggression)

i did try refusing to ‘engage’ with our joint lives (I mean, we’ve only communicated about the kids or practical matters for years now, but he seems to think that’s ok) but he had a temper tantrum when I rejected his offer to have a day out with the kids because he was ‘trying’ and I wasn’t. And with the coffee, if I was to refuse to drink it or say ‘please don’t do things like this’ he would just explode.

I know the answer is that I just need to let him explode, but despite the picture I’ve painted of him I do think it could be a (relatively) amicable split if only I could get him to see how unsatisfactory our marriage is. I may be kidding myself.

There is talk of marriage counselling, though I know we’ll be coming at it from different places- him claiming I’m stressed and he’ll change things to help me ‘get over it’, me trying to get him to understand it’s over.

The idea that I could tell him to pack his bags and suggest he go to his parents… I mean, I could tell him but he’d just laugh in my face !

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/04/2022 18:19

How old are the DC and are you primary parent?