Page 2 | Told my husband I want to end marriage - he’s pretending everything is fine

Tenthnamechange · 2022-04-23T14:01:51+00:00

As the thread title says - I am really unhappy, have been for years and finally admitted it to myself and then to my husband. For me it was a huge step, and it dominates my thoughts. I openly told him I was only still with him because of the kids. But DH , though upset at first, seems to think that everything is fine because he’s been on his best behaviour recently. Part of me thinks he’s in denial, but he’s always been massively lacking in emotional intelligence so I do fear that he genuinely thinks it was just a blip or something, and that a few weeks of him bringing me coffee in bed has solved all the problems. We walked passed a jewellery shop recently and he made a comment about eternity rings. ( WTF!!) I wanted to scream and run away but instead I just pretended I hadn’t heard and he got huffy. I worry that we’ll carry on with this fakery until inevitably, he’ll behave like a massive arsehole, and I will snap. I don’t want it to be like that though, I want to discuss it like rational adults, but I just don’t know how to raise the issue again as he’ll say he’s doing everything he can to make it better. It’s like he didn’t hear me when I said that nothing can make it better, his behaviour over the years has worn me down and I’ve had enough and I have completely checked out emotionally.

Original poster

Tenthnamechange · 23/04/2022 18:46

@RandomMess

my children are young and I’m the primary parent. But, without outing myself, circumstances mean he would have all the power.

The more I think about it, the more I really need to try to get him on board with the idea that we should part for our mutual benefit. Not least because it’s true!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 23/04/2022 19:00

Ultimately if you need to leave with the DC into rented accommodation or woman's aid, if you aren't in the UK I appreciate things and the law are different

wakeupandshakeup · 23/04/2022 23:13

I'm in your position.. he's pretending it's all fine and I'm looking for a new home. Just showing my solidarity... property f'ed up

Original poster

Tenthnamechange · 24/04/2022 06:35

@RandomMess thanks for suggesting the Polly threads, very enlightening!

for what it’s worth, the few people I’ve confided in IRL who know my situation have advised that I ought to be seen to give it a go.

but in a way it feels like a continuation of the years- long pattern of bullying and minimising of my feelings: I want to end it, he doesn’t, so I have to gracefully accept his ‘efforts’ otherwise I’m the big baddie. Does that even make sense?

We’ve has no physical intimacy for years, but now he keeps popping up behind me to give me back rubs. I stand there like a lemon as to do otherwise would be ‘hurtful’/ cause an argument about me being cold and rejecting his efforts. I can see being physically rejected by your spouse is hurtful but equally how can he be so oblivious and ( if I’m honest, stupid) that he can’t see it’s so unwanted?? I cannot magic up feelings that aren’t there , feelings that his behaviour helped to destroy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tenthnamechange · 24/04/2022 06:41

I mean, he can see that it’s unwanted, but he seems to think the more he does it, the sooner I’ll come round to liking it?!

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NoSquirrels · 24/04/2022 08:07

despite the picture I’ve painted of him I do think it could be a (relatively) amicable split if only I could get him to see how unsatisfactory our marriage is. I may be kidding myself.

From the picture you have painted if him, this seems vastly unlikely.

Insist on counselling. It doesn’t matter that you see it as a way to get him to understand you need to split up, and he sees it as a way to stay together. You clearly need an outsider to help you be heard. You appear to have no voice within your relationship at all. Insist on counselling.

In the meantime, what can you do about the situation /circumstances that mean he has all the power?

What are your employment prospects long-term?

Butterfly44 · 24/04/2022 08:31

You are not going to "get him on board" with the idea. I think you need to face that fact and just get in with it.

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 24/04/2022 08:51

Tenthnamechange · 23/04/2022 18:14

Thanks for all your replies, genuinely helpful

I think deep down I’m scared of forcing the issue as I know how horrific he will make my life. I can’t believe that I actually found the courage to tell him i wanted out in the first place, I’ve spent years and years swallowing down my true feelings

He can be an incredibly vindictive bully and I know there is a good chance I’ll end up living in a shack with limited access to my kids. ( a PP mentioned it and yes i am passive in my marriage , though it’s long since curdled into passive aggression)

i did try refusing to ‘engage’ with our joint lives (I mean, we’ve only communicated about the kids or practical matters for years now, but he seems to think that’s ok) but he had a temper tantrum when I rejected his offer to have a day out with the kids because he was ‘trying’ and I wasn’t. And with the coffee, if I was to refuse to drink it or say ‘please don’t do things like this’ he would just explode.

I know the answer is that I just need to let him explode, but despite the picture I’ve painted of him I do think it could be a (relatively) amicable split if only I could get him to see how unsatisfactory our marriage is. I may be kidding myself.

There is talk of marriage counselling, though I know we’ll be coming at it from different places- him claiming I’m stressed and he’ll change things to help me ‘get over it’, me trying to get him to understand it’s over.

The idea that I could tell him to pack his bags and suggest he go to his parents… I mean, I could tell him but he’d just laugh in my face !

He sounds a lot like my ex husband. So this is what I think :

For the last few years he has only done the bare minimum to stop you from leaving , because he it suits him to have you there to do housework and childcare. So when you said “ Im unhappy I want a divorce “ what he heard was “ I will leave if you don’t make more of an effort”.

So he thought about what changes he could make that would be the least inconvenient to him and he’s doing them eg coffee and day out .

Now you have not been Grateful enough he will stop doing these things.

I understand that you thing you can get him to agree and so then he will cooperate and not make you life hell. He won’t , I’m sorry.

He will never agree because he’s happy with things the way they are. He will fight you every step of the way and be a total bastard.

My ex said that he wanted the kids 100% of the time . Before we split up he did about 1% of the parenting and in fact he worked abroad 4 months of the year. But in the end he didn’t fight for the kids ( too much hassle ) and I have then 100%. This is because he has a new partner and her kids are adults so she CBA will having ours around.

Your husband sounds like the type who likes a domestic slave so he will soon recruit a new one which would let you off the hook.

But I’m afraid there’s no way around the horrid process of divorcing a man like this. No of course he won’t move to his parents . Don’t even think about going to counselling so he can use the counsellor to manipulate you even more.

He won’t agree to anything, you need to force him. Stop trying to get him to agree and get a SHL.

If you don’t work full time then get back to work now. You will need the money for the legal fees.

Do you have family/ friends who will support you ? I mean actually be there for you , not wring their hands and say “ Oh I’m sure he doesn’t mean it, just tell him to think of the children, he always seemed nice to me dear”. Give these ones a body swerve.

Original poster

Tenthnamechange · 24/04/2022 08:57

@NoSquirrels

i do work, I always have. He’s very sexist but was always insistent I work. And I always wanted to, I think deep down I knew this day might come and I’d need some degree of financial independence.

he earns vastly more than me, and a lot of our savings are in his name only (I know, I know, I’m an idiot ) but my name is on the joint mortgage. I’m not sure that If I could prove those savings exist, they would have to be considered as part of any financial settlement.

however the real issue is that he has friends in all the right places, and we are not in the UK and unfortunately where we live that sort of thing matters. Hence my (probably utterly delusional ) hope that we could avoid making it adversarial, as I think I’ll come out of it totally shafted financially and practically. I am terrified of even thinking about how to obtain legal advice, I’m worried they’d secretly be on his side.

But you are correct about counselling as a way for me to use my voice (I’ll not say ‘heard’ as I really don’t think he’s capable of hearing things that don’t suit his rigid, preconceived views) I’m looking into arranging it ASAP

but hopefully for me to say things out loud to another person will help to cement my resolve, the way sharing my thoughts on here also helps

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SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 24/04/2022 09:03

In the Uk these savings would be a matrimonial asset . But of course I don’t know the divorce law where you live.

Can you get a recommendation for a local solicitor from someone you know who had been divorced where you live ?

Original poster

Tenthnamechange · 24/04/2022 09:25

@SoonToBeQueenCamilla

yes, he sounds like your ex - how did we end up with these men!? I know he’ll be a total bastard. I need to grit my teeth, I know I do. Mumsnet has been very helpful

I have very little support . My family are all in England while I’m not, and though they will be sympathetic to my feelings (they despise my husband) I know they will say I need to make it work for the children. My parents said, after I told them I was pregnant with DC1 “well you’re stuck with him now”. My sister knows I’m unhappy, she was the person who told me that I need to be seen to try, as she knows what DH is like and the difficult position I am in. She has her own stuff to deal with (SEN kids take up all her focus and energy understandably) so it’s not as if I can be on the phone to her every night discussing my options and analysing my feelings.

Most of our friends are joint couple friends, I don’t have deep heart to hearts with any of the women, and If we split I imagine I’ll just be ostracised from the social circle. DH Of course has a sparkling social life. I don’t even care really, but it does mean it’s hard as I don’t have anyone on hand to unburden myself to ( hence mumsnet!)

OP posts:

cornflakedreams · 24/04/2022 17:13

Tenthnamechange · 23/04/2022 18:46

@RandomMess

my children are young and I’m the primary parent. But, without outing myself, circumstances mean he would have all the power.

The more I think about it, the more I really need to try to get him on board with the idea that we should part for our mutual benefit. Not least because it’s true!

Abuse is about control.

Agreeing to end the relationship means losing control.

Abusers do not cede control.

Why would he ever do that? He doesn't even care about your consent. He doesn't care you want to exit the relationship. He is not going to surrender his control of you and he is not going to facilitate you leaving him.

I am terrified of even thinking about how to obtain legal advice, I’m worried they’d secretly be on his side

that's not rational. It would be unethical and it's not how solicitors operate. They don't care about sides, they care about acting in the best interests of their client - i.e. you.

He has done a right number on you mentally to make you accept being assaulted and living with abuse because he's persuaded you to view it as your fault to resist and made you too afraid to trust anyone. It's so far from normal.

That is control. That is coercive control.

Solicitors are not emotionally invested in either of you. You instruct one, they are required to act in your best interests and maintain your confidentiality.

That's the beginning and the end of it.

He may have taught you not to trust anyone but there are people and organisations who are trustworthy and will help you. Organisations who understand coercive control and won't give you the terrible advice you received from people in your life with no such knowledge who told you to be seen to make a go of it.

cornflakedreams · 24/04/2022 17:15

Talk to DV organisations not people who normalise abuse.

Original poster

Tenthnamechange · 25/04/2022 19:10

Not sure if people are still reading but I’m posting as it’s cathartic so…

I am taking people’s advise to live as separately as possible while still in the same house. It seems the more I withdraw, the more he’s super keen, I swear if it wasn’t so serious it would be funny!

Today I was actually thinking about the time my grandfather died and I flew to London and back in 18 hours to attend his funeral. The night I returned it was one of H’s ‘very important friends’ big birthdays and he insisted I attend, then harangued me when we got home as I had apparently ruined his night with my miserable face.

Anyway, as I was analysing both what a selfish arsehole he was and what a spineless doormat I’d been, H arrived home with a jaunty step and a smug smile to present me with my favourite cake- he was genuinely delighted with himself, I could practically see him patting himself on the back for his wonderful husbandness. I just said “oh, why have you bought this?” And I served it to the kids, then Left the room

PPs are right - this will stop soon as he’ll get bored of the perceived lack of appreciation. Then he is going to fight me every step of the way

I might eat some of the cake later though when no one is around!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/04/2022 08:52

It sounds like you don't like in the UK, does this mean you have few rights?

Tenthusername · 26/04/2022 09:54

@RandomMess