Told my husband I want to end marriage - he’s pretending everything is fine

[Tenthnamechange]

As the thread title says - I am really unhappy, have been for years and finally admitted it to myself and then to my husband. For me it was a huge step, and it dominates my thoughts. I openly told him I was only still with him because of the kids.

But DH , though upset at first, seems to think that everything is fine because he’s been on his best behaviour recently.

Part of me thinks he’s in denial, but he’s always been massively lacking in emotional intelligence so I do fear that he genuinely thinks it was just a blip or something, and that a few weeks of him bringing me coffee in bed has solved all the problems.

We walked passed a jewellery shop recently and he made a comment about eternity rings. ( WTF!!) I wanted to scream and run away but instead I just pretended I hadn’t heard and he got huffy.

I worry that we’ll carry on with this fakery until inevitably, he’ll behave like a massive arsehole, and I will snap.

I don’t want it to be like that though, I want to discuss it like rational adults, but I just don’t know how to raise the issue again as he’ll say he’s doing everything he can to make it better. It’s like he didn’t hear me when I said that nothing can make it better, his behaviour over the years has worn me down and I’ve had enough and I have completely checked out emotionally.

@RandomMess

I’m the OP but have slightly name changed (I’m totally paranoid, even though the name change won’t make much of a difference if he was to find me here!)

on paper much the same rights as in UK, but my husband knows most of the legal community where we live, and has a wealthy family all around him to get him the most advantageous advice and support so in practice I feel very vulnerable. Hence why I’m taking it slowly. But maybe that’s a bad idea and I should just plough

I seem to have fixated onto the idea that counselling will allow me to repeat my views to him, because I know I am struggling to repeat the conversation with him one on one, if you see what I mean? It may not work out that way, but it’s helping me to see it has a step forward. Haven’t managed to get a date in the diaries yet.

@RandomMess

I’m the OP but have slightly name changed (I’m totally paranoid, even though the name change won’t make much of a difference if he was to find me here!)

on paper much the same rights as in UK, but my husband knows most of the legal community where we live, and has a wealthy family all around him to get him the most advantageous advice and support so in practice I feel very vulnerable. Hence why I’m taking it slowly. But maybe that’s a bad idea and I should just plough

I seem to have fixated onto the idea that counselling will allow me to repeat my views to him, because I know I am struggling to repeat the conversation with him one on one, if you see what I mean? It may not work out that way, but it’s helping me to see it has a step forward. Haven’t managed to get a date in the diaries yet.

Oh my goodness it’s posted multiple times!!

despite the picture I’ve painted of him I do think it could be a (relatively) amicable split if only I could get him to see how unsatisfactory our marriage is. I may be kidding myself.

Yep, you are. This marriage is satisfactory to him, and you've said yourself that when he's displeased he's a vindictive bully. He's not going to leave quietly to please you, that much is obvious. So prepare yourself to deal with some vindictive bullying when he realises that his satisfactory marriage is truly over. Accept that this probably isn't going to be an amicable split and your first move needs to be legal advice to protect yourself.

There is talk of marriage counselling, though I know we’ll be coming at it from different places- him claiming I’m stressed and he’ll change things to help me ‘get over it’, me trying to get him to understand it’s over.

It's fine to go to marriage counselling with different aims. You could go to marriage counselling with the aim of putting the fact that it's over on the table and getting support to minimise damage to the children. Minimising damage to yourself isn't likely to be successful from counselling. But the only way to get him to understand it's over is to make it be over.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay
Thanks for your message

you and other PPs are right, I know you are, I just need to be brave. It’s so hard though, my personality or social training or whatever just seems to crave familiar, comfortable misery.

whenever I think of the practicalities of divorce, knowing what he’ll be like, I’m terrified.

but then I think how ill (hopefully) feel in two, five, thirty years if I can get through it, and I KNOW it’s the right thing to do

First of all, dear OP, yes, we are reading all your posts. Please keep posting. Keep posting!!! MN kept me sane for months before I worked up a courage to tell my ex I wanted to split up. Especially after I told him and before he finally moved out MN was my life line.

It breaks my heart to see how many women everywhere are living such similar lives to mine and fighting same battles as me. I do not know why but I see that very often men pretend all is well even after the woman tells them there is a problem or that she wants out. It seems to me that they prefer status quo over any kind of "upheaval" that may endanger their comfortable life. But they are not willing to work on it at all. At least my ex was not. His idea of loving and caring wife was the one that accepts a man as he is, not to ask him to change.

He too would surprise me with a present that was totally out of line. We were in the middle of a very bad period, and he got me a necklace with a pendant made of a heart and an infinity sign for my birthday. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. I put it on just to keep peace, but it weighed on me like a rock around my neck. Could not wait to take it off. How can someone be such a hypocrite?