Why do so many long term relationships seem to end after having children?

[ohlittlemy]

I see this a lot and always used to think it was odd although now I’m almost in the same situation 😕

Probably because children stress test the relationship by bringing to the fore issues that nobody could be bothered to do anything about before, like imbalances of power, division of labour, etc.

Because small children are a lot of work. Mother’s end up doing almost all of it so they decide there’s no point having someone else around who also creates washing, mess and needs to be fed. He’ll be FAR more use when he actually has to take care of the children every other weekend.

Sometimes I think it's easier having DC earlier in your relationship because you are less ingrained in your roles and more eager to do everything you can for your partner.

It's a huge shift in a relationship and so often one partner does not step up and do their 50% or change their life to accommodate being a parent.

Because there’s way more to argue over once you have kids? Added expense, lack of sleep, not being able to do exactly what you fancy without planning, not sharing the work loads equally etc etc etc.

Because those relationships aren’t strong enough to withstand what children bring.

Statistically they don't - couples with children are actually less likely to divorce (even though they're less happy in their marriages, on average).

Because children are hard work and everyone just wants a break and there isn’t one. Kids cost so much money and are exhausting and then people get resentful and think it would be better on their own?

There’s loads more to do (washing, cooking, tidying) and one person invariably does more than the other and one person almost earns more so has to pay more money - more resentment and exhaustion.

Id say I’m pretty happily married and my husband is lovely but I’m still often annoyed with with mess, noise, trying to entertain kids and endless cooking and washing and just feeling like a slave. My husband probably feels he works and provides for us all and does a load too. It’s all true, there’s just lot to do and it’s exhausting.

There is now this other little person who depends on you both for EVERYTHING and that responsibility is enormous, that pressure is enormous added with no sleep and your whole way of life being flipped on its head, never mind the relationship you had, now evolving, it's tough for the strongest of relationships.

Tensions and emotions run high, you can get too tired to communicate properly and I think some just are too tired to be considerate and kind to each other as they just need to get through the day.

I think having a baby is like throwing a grenade into a relationship.

I was with my ex for nearly 6 years before we had dd and I left him when she was 6 months old (she’s now nearly 19). I think having a baby to care for highlighted how selfish and useless he was whereas before I could just turn a blind eye.

Lack of sleep. There's a reason sleep deprivation is outlawed under the Geneva Convention

Because children are a huge stressor - physically, mentally, financially and spiritually

As much as we love them

Especially in the first few years when it's sleepless nights and teething etc

Any stressor will show where the cracks are and widen them. Illness/disability of a partner/spouse, redundancy, shock bereavement etc also have a similar effect.

A couple I knew that I thought were rock solid split when she lost her father relatively young and unexpectedly and it made her reassess her whole life and ultimately decide she wanted a divorce.

Things you'll put up with for yourself, you won't allow your kids to be exposed to on a daily basis.

The reasons above are true-life stresses with children but children can be great joy too and make a family stronger, more united.

Sometimes sex has to be planned/scheduled to make sure it happens :). Also, for us (me & my husband of 17 years, hopefully, happy marriage) personally, it's important to plan to have romantic dates and book/plan our couple time. It keeps us close to each other emotionally and physically and we reconnect/bond well as a couple as well as the family time when we enjoy our family life, time together as a family (our son is 15).

We both work and earn and try to share chores fairly.

My EXDP gradually stopped contributing 50% of the house/family labour and became emotionally abusive after having DC. I was also paying 2/3 of the financial costs of running the home and DC as I earned double his salary. I began wondering what the actual point of him was, and that thought wouldn't go away.

That wasn't the environment I expected/wanted to bring my DC up in, so I left him.

As others have said, in many long term relationships there are things you turn a blind eye to or accept, that become unacceptable once a baby is involved. That was also my experience.

Children put stress on a relationship. How that hits varies - my husband was great at the cute baby/adorable little child stage. He stepped up, did his fair share at home (we both worked f/t) and was a great dad.

The more our DDs grew up and became independent, the more he pulled back and couldn't/wouldn't cope once his DDs stopped conforming to his ideal of what a child should be (obedient, compliant, robot).

It was probably losing his parents and his descent into drink that broke us more than the DDs, but by the time that started happening, we were already in trouble.

This exactly

Also kids can be a massive pain in the arse! I love mine but them climbing into our bed every night is a passion killer 🙄

All the above plus it's depressingly common to see couples who only settled for each other because they wanted children/family image/conventional lifestyle and felt time was running out - when actually they barely liked each other let alone loved or were compatible with each other.

Because becoming parents is one of the biggest stress in life.

It's so hard when kids come along- you should both be equally responsible for them - it's such a slog really- not all men can get on board with this- they see kids as the woman thing- when really we need help and support on the day to day stuff. Some men also are used to/expect to be the centre of attention for their DW/ DP and then they are just not. It makes them pissed off. Then they act like a total douche and destroy the relationship.

Exactly what PP’s have said, both parents need to work hard at parenting and if one of them doesn’t, it puts a massive strain on the relationship. DH and I have been lucky in that we’ve both wanted to actively parent-we still getting tired and need time for ourselves sometimes, but ultimately, we’re both focused on the children and if it came down to it, they’d come first. If DH could only rescue me or the kids from a burning building, it wouldn’t be me.😂. And that’s fine.

I think it’s a combination of competitive tiredness, no time and for the working partner, a lack of understanding of the sheer drudgery on the most present parent’s life. For me, DH seemed to have no idea of the hell I went through daily with our DTs when they were babies, I hated him as his life seemed to continue as it did before the kids better than mine, and we were both exhausted. We nearly split a few times and I genuinely didn’t give a shit about it because I was too tired, angry and engrossed in babies. At one point I was actually quite looking forward to it because I’d get at least every other weekend off by myself. It was a miserable time really.

Before we had kids I always thought we were rock solid. I’ve still no idea really what happened, the above is just my guessing really. To my mind, he just became a massively selfish prick and I dare say I was the same in his. Kids are a wonderful blessing in life, but fuck me do they throw a hand grenade in as well!

My marriage was the opposite.
Family life with children worked - we were excellent team mates as parents.
It’s when the kids starting developing lives outside the home the realisation hit that we didn’t have much of a relationship with each other.
So we parted company.