Why do so many long term relationships seem to end after having children?

[ohlittlemy]

I see this a lot and always used to think it was odd although now I’m almost in the same situation 😕

Because many men who want to be fathers are unwilling to share parenting and domestic work (which hugely increases after DC).

Because some men are fucking useless when it comes to being a grown up.

Because having kids can and will cause stress in a household ( as well as joys and a sense of fulfilment) which will test a LTR.
In many cases the intimacy enjoyed by a coupe will deteriorate, usually caused by the stress and sheer exhaustion.

So….never a doubt in my mind when I married my husband. He was my best friend and soul mate, or so I thought . However, since having children (8 and 10) things have changed….he has zero interest in me as a wife, he ignores me most of the time (he is a total introvert and was fine when just me be him. It now kids are involved he can’t cope with all of us so uses his energy on the kids) . It’s like I am a slave (housework etc even though I also work full time). He is a great Dad but has admitted I come last in his priorities (work first, then kids, then his time, then me). Married for 12 years and has pretty much been like this since second child was born. Came to a head last summer and he admitted we weren’t in live but he wanted to try. I have been trying for YEARS and examined over and over that if we don’t have any intimacy, (4.5 years and counting!), or relationship then we would go out separate ways.
He has just realised this is how it is but the problem is I have already moved on in my head. I tried sooooo hard for years with nothing in return and put my defences up and have had someone tell me they love me (and I have strong feelings for them as they were there for me when my dad died etc and DH just wasn’t at all). DH is now trying but it is just too little too late. I hate myself that it is too little too late and resent him for only just making the effort.
I’m so scared to break up the family for DC’s sake but don’t I deserve to be happy too? Or am I being selfish?

Should have said lack of intimacy is his choosing, not mine. I am desperate for intimacy. I don’t think he is cheating, he just sorts himself out and is fine with that

Sorry, first post 🙈

I guess with the extra responsibility, it puts more pressure on the relationship

My ex could not get his head round the fact that DS was the centre of my attention being a baby and started acting up like a massive toddler. I lost all respect for him and he had to go.

Yep , from a blokes point of view , mine anyway , as much as l loved us having our daughter , it did all really kill all those things to. When l look at couples with 2 or 3 or 4 kids , all that stuff's just disappeared it has to be about the kids life is just so full on with kids but yeah pretty costly on the relationship itself .
For me to the body changes after kids was a really huge things sexually to so that we took another huge hit there as well.
l know that one will cop a hammering butttt, twass what it was , and it did.

Not just women’s bodies that change over time though, @randomx . Mine changed abit after two children, but not drastically. DH has piled on weight over the years though and it does affect our sex life.

Because they’re hard work, you’re often knackered and you have less time for yourself and each other.

Our daughters teething, so she isn’t sleeping, last night I had three hours sleep at most, I haven’t been able to catch up on much sleep today as we had things that couldn’t be rearranged, tonight again she is still awake and nowhere near settling. So we’ll be the living dead again tomorrow, and most likely for some time.

I agree with everything everyone else has said. I also think that once you have a child, there is suddenly someone in the family that you both love more than you do each other. This unsettles and upsets things.

i was under the impression the two main causes of break up are sex and money.
children interfere with both of these.

Men don’t like that the focus isn’t all on them anymore.

Resentment about how little men’s lives change when they become fathers. (And how little they are willing to change their lives)

It’s happened to me twice.

The strain on our marriage has been intense. We weathered years of fertility treatment and losses more easily than we have now that we have the children we longed for. My husband is very good really in a practical sense - does half of everything so can’t complain about that.

The tough bits for us have been the sleep deprivation, lack of family support, and also the realization of how bad both of our own parents and upbringings were and how difficult it is to parent apart from that influence. I had PND after my first looking back but wouldn’t admit it. Instead I was angry and emotional, and DH had little empathy. It’s been really hard to come back from that, but we’re working on it.

Tell you what that's pretty damn generalized , speak for the man or men you knew not all of us. l loved having kids and loved us as a family and a couple and being a dad. But it does take it's toll to for sure on your relationship nonetheless and you expect that and know it will , but it still does.

Because the role of a mother and a lover are conflicting

Be abuse it ends up being the kids that keep you together. When they’re gone there’s nothing left.

I've been happily married for 18 years and the hardest time by far was when we had small children. All the normal stuff - both tired, not enough quality time together, bickering over small things, each thinking the other one was having an easier time.

We made it through to the other side and things are good again, so don't despair OP!

I agree with what some people have said about it highlighting issues that you could more easily ignore beforehand. I also think the lack of time to yourself makes a difference, especially as an introvert. At times I feel I crave time alone and would choose that over time with DH. Resentment over their lives not changing as much is definitely a big thing too.

Resentment - it’s a relationship killer.

I’m sure I read that men are more likely to cheat when their partners are pregnant, so make of that what you will.
I was with my ex for about 12 years and then we broke up when our son was about 6-7 months old.

I'm surprised more dont!!! few reasons:

1. Exhaustion. Being exhausted and having lack of sleep makes you understandably snappy and irritable. You are too knackered to go out anywhere or do much of anything and you feel un sexy, constantly annoyed and end up arguing about who is "more" tired out of the two of you.
2. Finances- often one person has to give up work or you use childcare which is ridiculously expensive and like paying a second mortgage, not to mention all the kids stuff you have to buy so you end up with less cash in general meaning you cant go out as much, buy such nice things or treat yourself like you could before. This can cause pressure and stress.
3. Time. You cant just nip out for the day or have a luxurious romantic mini break away on a whim, everything has to be planned to within an inch of its life, you have to take a suitcase full of stuff to accommodate the kid, and forget about lying on a sun lounger and relaxing in the sun! holidays end up becoming more stressful than simply staying at home. Time away or alone just becomes much less frequent.

There are lots of other reasons too but those are just three. Thats not to say of course that you cant have a successful relationship with kids but there are challenges that have to be navigated.

I object to the post about women's bodies changing btw- yes, of course they do after giving birth but from what Ive seen- men in their late 30s/40s dont resemble Brad Pitt either!

When I look at the men on facebook that I used to go to college or school with (and used to be quite good looking), most of them now are overweight, balding, have beer bellies/dad bods, and have completely let themselves go so its NOT just women whose bodies change. In fact, I'd say women make more effort with their appearance then men do in general.