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Relationships

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Original poster

Why do so many long term relationships seem to end after having children?

83 replies

ohlittlemy · 22/04/2022 21:12

I see this a lot and always used to think it was odd although now I’m almost in the same situation 😕

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/04/2022 21:11

One word

sex

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/04/2022 21:14

Sorry !
actually it’s because after children everyone has to work hard and hetero normative behaviours come in and women do more…

get resentful (both genders )

men , I don’t know I’m not a man but they don’t seem happy either !

TossaCointoyerWitcha · 23/04/2022 21:31

CheekyHobson · 23/04/2022 20:35

I think a lot of men give minimal thought to the challenges of having children (the extra work required, sleep deprivation, reduced financial freedom, their partner's body changing, the emotional investment) and mostly anticipate the positive outcomes (having an image of being a 'family man', passing on their name and genes, having small people around to look up to them, being a hero by giving their children material things they never had in childhood, etc).

I think women can also be unrealistic about how challenging it will be but when confronted with reality are much more likely to accept it and get on with it, while men, due to probably a mix of patriarchal entitlement, lower natural empathy/higher natural narcissism, less confrontation with reality (due to cultural and biological expectations that men go to work while women stay at home), not having to physically recover from pregnancy and birth, and the widespread belief that men are more 'visually/sexually motivated' than women tend more often to go into denial of reality and try to continue their 'pre-child lives' or a version of them that doesn't incorporate the understanding that they are just as responsible for the children they chose to have as their partners are.

I've wondered if the prevalence of men still being the breadwinner, as it were, and the financial independance that brings might play a part in feeling able to just go "bored now, want to shake it up" and be a bit more selfish about things. The one particular occasion I know of where it was the wife who had, by her own admission, unrealistic expectations but didn't just accept it and get on with it and put her wants and needs above the family/kids knew she had a very large inheritance/trust fund she could fall back on, so there wasn't really any consequences from the divorce: her parents bought out the family home and she didn't need to work to bring in money thus her standard of living stayed unchained. Her husband moved out and had the kids 50% of the time, which means she did less childcare and could spend that 50% with her new, younger, fit, doting boyfriend instead.

TossaCointoyerWitcha · 23/04/2022 21:32

*unchanged not unchained

GlitteryGreen · 23/04/2022 21:37

gannett · 22/04/2022 23:44

All the above plus it's depressingly common to see couples who only settled for each other because they wanted children/family image/conventional lifestyle and felt time was running out - when actually they barely liked each other let alone loved or were compatible with each other.

Agree 100%. Lots of people put up with things just to get to that point, and then it's just too much.

I also think it's hard to suddenly need to agree everything together and lots of things you might differ on may never have cropped up before - like whether the children can sleep in your bed, what they should eat, how much tv etc etc.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 24/04/2022 06:59

Triffid1 · 23/04/2022 11:35

I know plenty of men stuck in unhappy, marriages with disrespectful wives who won't leave simply because of access to the children and not wanting to liquidate the assets.

You see, the moment I see a man (or woman, theoretically, but I've never heard a woman say this) refer to being "disrespected" it tells me immediately that he's probably an entitled, misogynist wanker whose poor wife or partner is having to endure his behaviour. These men you know are most likely living this life because their wives are just tired of not being supported.

I do think that resentment is the big killer of relationships. But I'm not sure it's true that it's when kids first come along. I actually know only a few relationships that ended in the first couple of years. It's usually longer after the realisation that the resentment that started kicking in when the DC were small wasn't going away because nothing ever changes. I think that resentment is there for everyone in the beginning no matter how great you both are just due to tiredness etc. But after 4 or 5 years, when it's still there because nothing has improved... that's when you know that this relationship is unsalvageable.

This post is proving my point as are many others.
Question was
Why do so many long-term relationships seem to end after having children?

'the moment I see a man (or woman, theoretically, but I've never heard a woman say this) refer to being "disrespected" it tells me immediately that he's probably an entitled, misogynist wanker whose poor wife or partner is having to endure his behavior. These men you know are most likely living this life because their wives are just tired of not being supported'.

It's not a rational statement let alone a rational well-thought answer. Are your conclusions evidenced-based.

ToastofLandon · 24/04/2022 07:41

You either grow together or grow apart as time goes on. I’m definitely not the same person I was when I met my husband 15 years ago, is anyone after a long period of time? Add kids to the mix and it’s a lot of strain on any relationship, then once those kids fly the nest many realise that was the main thing keeping them together.

After 10 years of marriage it’s definitely becoming harder I’ve got to say.

Triffid1 · 24/04/2022 22:20

Well, they're certainly based on experience. Every single time I've heard of or heard an actual man say he's being "disrespected", I've been able to see quite clearly that he's not a man I'm interested in knowing.

But sure, obviously if a person thinks men can be "disrespected" by their female partners then they're not going to agree with me.

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