Longed to be pregnant and now considering termination, so confused?

[Tighrs]

I’ve wanted children my whole life. All through my twenties I had a great career and used to come home and cry often that I wasn’t a mum. I met someone a few years ago (3 ish) and it’s definitely not perfect but we talked about a family etc in the future. I am the early side of mid thirties now and planned always to have IVF in a couple of years when I was 36 if a relationship hadn’t worked out.

So here I am. Pregnant. Wasn’t expected but mentally I always felt I had been prepared to be a mum my whole life and that I would just adapt whenever it happened and under any circumstances.

Im embarrassed to say that I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe. I’m thinking awful things like I won’t be able to go for lunch with friends as much, I won’t have as much spare cash, I might have to compromise on my life because of DP and what he may want (I can’t just suddenly decide to go and live by the sea, for instance). I will never have a bath in peace again/for years. Im worried I will be an awful mum. Im worried they would find out one day that they were accidental and that would hurt them. Im worried me and DP won’t last… he was uncertain at first but has said he will support me since. Im feeling ‘stuck’ with DP which obviously I didn’t feel before. Im looking at all the bad things in the relationship that didn’t bother me so much before. Im feeling terribly sick all the time and worried im not even capable of this physically. I even thought the other day I won’t be able to just get on a plane to Greece on a whim ever again, and I have loads of wistful feeling about why I didn’t make the most of all this in my twenties instead of spending so so many nights crying and wishing I had a baby. I’m worried the baby isn’t ok. I’m worried that I might lose my job and that if I end up a single parent my salary would mean it didn’t have a good life. I’m on 55k now but that will go down if I have to cut my days which I will.

I don’t know if I would have felt better if DP had been overjoyed and was really enthusiastic but he’s just not like that generally in life. Even if he was more enthusiastic I think I would still be thinking of all the men I have dated and would this experience have been better with them? This might be my last relationship now and suddenly I am questioning if it’s definitely right or even the best one I could be in. Though I have done that to some extent my whole life in relationships.

The things that annoy me about DP I am now worried I would see in the baby. I am so confused. I loved so much about DP though but right now I just feel like my whole world is closing in and I feel he is part of that feeling too.

If I don’t go ahead I could spend another two years trying to find a relationship and maybe never getting to the point of a baby.

None of it has happened how I imagined it would. I’ve booked to go for a termination appointment this afternoon just to talk about it but I am already 9 weeks. I have anxiety now and then quite badly so that doesn’t help. I am struggling to see clearly.

It's really normal to feel like this. Me and my DH had fertility treatment for two years before we had my daughter so we obviously really wanted her it the second I fell pregnant I had so many doubts. I think it's probably the combination of hormones + a massive shock. Try to relax and focus on the positives! And congratulations

I think your reaction is normal. Yes you won’t be ab,e to do a lot of thing with the same amount of freedom. But the thing is a child will bring you a lot of joy (also heartache worry etc). You don’t have to stay with your partner, he does sound like a drag.

I am pro choice but you sound like you really do want a child and this may be your one chance to have a child tbh.

can you talk to a therapist or even a very goood friend about this?

thanks I just feel so confused and absolutely terrified.

i do think if the relationship felt stronger or I felt more secure that I would be doing a bit better but I have always been an insecure person generally. Whilst DP isn’t a massively enthusiastic sort of man, he’s said he wants to support me and will be there etc. So that’s all anyone can say really. It’s me getting myself in a state. I’ve genuinely cried so so many days about not having a child and now it seems too much I just dont understand myself.

@Menopants thanks i have had counselling before they booked me in for the appointment for this afternoon and they just said that I didn’t have to go ahead on the day obviously if I change my mind.

i guess there’s this image I had in my head about a family and how I wanted it to be and DP hasn’t exactly embraced it in that way, he’s just been sensible and practical about things which is him through and through. But I wonder if doing this knowing I have doubts about me and him is fair? Just so I can have a baby?

then the alternative is I face never having a child as I’m mid thirties now (35). I would take a long time to get over a termination.

It’s normal to feel like this. I can’t tell you what to do but I do think you’re catastrophising a little. All the things you’re worried you won’t be able to do will still be doable, just with a bit of planning- I still had lunch with friends, went on holidays, had baths in peace etc etc.

I would try to separate out your feelings about the baby and about your partner if you can. Could you have a few sessions with a therapist just to think things through a bit?

I felt like this with nearly all my pregnancies.

The one I didn't feel this stress about was the one that I terminated. I didn't look ahead because I knew I wasn't going to continue the pregnancy.

There obviously are limitations when you have a baby, but many of the things on your list don't apply. You can still have a bath, you can still move beside the sea, you're not stuck with your dp, the child won't be sad if you tell them they weren't planned (not that you would ever have to tell them anyway).

Only you know if you're ready, having some counselling this afternoon is a really good idea. It might focus your thoughts a bit more.

All the best with whatever you decide op 💐

OP, this is about your DP, not the baby.

Take him out of it for a moment. Can you be a sole parent? You say “planned always to have IVF in a couple of years when I was 36 if a relationship hadn’t worked out.” Get back into that headspace - is being a parent still what you want?

Forget your partner for now. If he magically wasn’t around, and you didn’t need to consider him, what would you do, where would you go, how would you arrange your life?

@BingoLittlest if me and DP break up how will I ever have a minute to myself? I just can’t envisage it. I can’t imagine even having a phone call alone etc. It probably sounds silly but I am just terrified.

It's pregnancy hormones playing havoc with your mind. Honestly it's absolutely normal. I could suddenly no longer stand to hear my partner breathe once I pregnant. And I worried constantly about wether I'd love the baby. Obviously it all changes back to normal once baby is here. Your life does change but for the better in my opinion. No offense intended but at your age, who wants a massive social life. And yes you can still move by the sea!!

I’m very pro-choice but you don’t sound like you want a termination.

Therefore you have to cope with the anxiety-inducing situation that you’re in, that your life will change permanently but understand that this change is not Bad News in the way you’re seeing it. Then make a plan, because the way to deal with free-floating anxiety is to have a solid, action steps plan.

@NoSquirrels I do want a baby. I guess as this took us by surprise I wonder if it’s fair on the baby. I just don’t know. I also don’t feel I know DP well enough which is crazy as if you’d asked me that a few months ago I would have had a totally different perspective on it. I feel panicked.

I’m very sorry to hear you’re feeling this way OP. I think it’s normal to panic when pregnancy happens (even when planned) and to worry about the baby and your relationship and your life etc. It’s such a life changing thing. But I think it’s less common to feel that fear to such a degree to obtain termination counselling and a further appointment to discuss further. I don’t know if that suggests you’re beyond usual wobble? But then again its such a difficult thing to think about and anxiety makes things harder, and then pregnancy hormones make anxiety harder plus some of the normal things you would do to alleviate anxiety are more difficult in early pregnancy especially if you feel sick etc. And the clock must feel like it’s ticking constantly. I guess you can only make pros and cons lists, imagine yourself either way in a couple of years time and how you’ll feel. Ultimately though there really is no completely perfect decision and you can only do your best to make as good a decision as you can at this time and please try to be kind to yourself either way.

You sound like someone who has achieved a great deal in her life already, despite suffering with feeling insecure. I admire that, and you.

Stop panicking.

Deep breaths.

You want a baby. So that’s a big question answered. That’s great!

You have a career and a good salary. Also excellent news.

You can pay for childcare help, move close to a support network (family? friends?) - you have plenty of options and time.

But you absolutely must deal with the catastrophic anxiety because you can’t plan from a place of panic.

Take your DP out of it for now if he is a big part of the anxiety. Focus on yourself and the baby. Make the plans that suit you.

It is terrifying. You’re right to be anxious. Your life will change but you’ll have this adorable little person who loves you more than anything. You’ll love them much more than your DP.

How would you feel if you did terminate and didn’t end up having children? Would you regret it for the rest of your life?

Also, just accept the anxiety. Don’t try and fight it.

I'm not saying you should split up, only that you don't have to see the baby and DP as a package deal (so that having the baby means you're with DP forever). Whether you have the baby or not, you're free to decide to stay with DP or to leave him, so I'd try to make your decision based on whether you want a baby, not on whether you want to be with your DP forever.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think this is quite common, the desperation to be pregnant be some a whole entity in itself and then when you are, the reality of the next step, which felt so far away or even impossible, starts to kick in.

Don't panic. You don't have to decide anything right now. Also, I think a PP has it right - the baby and your DP aren't necessarily a package deal, you can end your relationship and still have the baby. Give yourself a bit more time to sit with it, just the pregnancy, and ignore what's going on in your relationship if you can. Think of the baby as separate from that and take it from there.

Not 'Having a minute to yourself' is quite a short lived thing too, yes when they are teeny they need a lot, but I'm currently on my own with a two and five year old and am having a coffee and messing about on the internet while one plays and the other watches tv. Don't base the decision on what life with a newborn is like, because a lot of it gets easier when they get older.

You said you don't think it's fair on the baby in your current situation but whats fair about deliberately planning to have a child by IVF and deny them a father? At least this way they will be able to have that relationship. I'd say the majority of us were annoyed by our partners/husbands in the early days of pregnancy? If he's Solid and sensible and dependable he sounds fine.

if me and DP break up how will I ever have a minute to myself?

Don't you think this would be even worse if you were embarking on this journey on your own??

I think you are just overwhelmed with the emotions / hormones / impending changes coming - it's totally normal x

It's totally normal to feel this way. DH and I were actively trying with DD1 and I was DESPERATE to be pregnant but as soon as I saw that positive test, I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of 'what have I done?'.
After a few weeks, it calmed down and I embraced pregnancy.

I got the feeling again when she was born. It was almost like grief for my old life and I have PND for about 4 weeks and I was just devastated that I'd done it to myself. After 4 weeks, it all changed and I started to love her and love my life.

Now I have 2 DDs and I honestly love being a mum. My new life is totally different to my old life but it's so much better.

Your partner keeps saying he wants to support you

You need to ask him does he want to be a father.

Support you is wishy washy. It's what they know they are supposed to say

Does he want to raise a child?

Having a child is bloody scary. It is perfectly normal to feel the way you feel. You are only 9 weeks. You have time to think.

The baby stage is quite short as another poster has pointed out. We are at the stage where our children (17+) drive us to the pub, cook dinner and are generally great company