Longed to be pregnant and now considering termination, so confused?

[Tighrs]

I’ve wanted children my whole life. All through my twenties I had a great career and used to come home and cry often that I wasn’t a mum. I met someone a few years ago (3 ish) and it’s definitely not perfect but we talked about a family etc in the future. I am the early side of mid thirties now and planned always to have IVF in a couple of years when I was 36 if a relationship hadn’t worked out.

So here I am. Pregnant. Wasn’t expected but mentally I always felt I had been prepared to be a mum my whole life and that I would just adapt whenever it happened and under any circumstances.

Im embarrassed to say that I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe. I’m thinking awful things like I won’t be able to go for lunch with friends as much, I won’t have as much spare cash, I might have to compromise on my life because of DP and what he may want (I can’t just suddenly decide to go and live by the sea, for instance). I will never have a bath in peace again/for years. Im worried I will be an awful mum. Im worried they would find out one day that they were accidental and that would hurt them. Im worried me and DP won’t last… he was uncertain at first but has said he will support me since. Im feeling ‘stuck’ with DP which obviously I didn’t feel before. Im looking at all the bad things in the relationship that didn’t bother me so much before. Im feeling terribly sick all the time and worried im not even capable of this physically. I even thought the other day I won’t be able to just get on a plane to Greece on a whim ever again, and I have loads of wistful feeling about why I didn’t make the most of all this in my twenties instead of spending so so many nights crying and wishing I had a baby. I’m worried the baby isn’t ok. I’m worried that I might lose my job and that if I end up a single parent my salary would mean it didn’t have a good life. I’m on 55k now but that will go down if I have to cut my days which I will.

I don’t know if I would have felt better if DP had been overjoyed and was really enthusiastic but he’s just not like that generally in life. Even if he was more enthusiastic I think I would still be thinking of all the men I have dated and would this experience have been better with them? This might be my last relationship now and suddenly I am questioning if it’s definitely right or even the best one I could be in. Though I have done that to some extent my whole life in relationships.

The things that annoy me about DP I am now worried I would see in the baby. I am so confused. I loved so much about DP though but right now I just feel like my whole world is closing in and I feel he is part of that feeling too.

If I don’t go ahead I could spend another two years trying to find a relationship and maybe never getting to the point of a baby.

None of it has happened how I imagined it would. I’ve booked to go for a termination appointment this afternoon just to talk about it but I am already 9 weeks. I have anxiety now and then quite badly so that doesn’t help. I am struggling to see clearly.

I agree it sounds like everyone has been really supportive. It's so nice to read. I hope you're feeling less anxious now OP. Did you decide what to do? Sending you lots of strength to make your decision x

It’s really normal to feel like this. I married. Me and DH discussed it and agreed we would just let nature take its course. Well I was pregnant on my honeymoon. I was devastated, crying etc. It passed. He is 17 now and a lovely young man. The baby stage is indeed short. It can be tough or wonderful and easy - it was with my second son. Now I look back with nostalgia on those early days.

I think you’re normal. We chose to have IVF to avoid passing on a genetic condition, so trying naturally hasn’t been an option. I’ve always known I wanted to be a mum too but went into treatment very realistic and sure it wouldn’t work. I think that really helped, because when it worked first time I’d already grieved the loss of a ‘normal’ journey to conception and had zero expectations of success, which weirdly freed me to just kind of experience what was actually happening rather than trying to match it up to a fantasy/ideal in my head.

we’re now trying desperately for a sibling with two failed cycles last year and my final frozen embryo to transfer early summer, and I know if it works this time, despite being crushed by the failed cycles and yearning for another baby, I will feel total panic alongside the joy because my kid is 4 now and we just got back from a week camping and hiking and chatting round the fire in the evenings and laughing together and he’s strong enough to walk all day and willing to join in and really fucking funny, and going back to the newborn stage feels overwhelming and scary.

TL:DR I think you’re normal and if you want a baby, have your baby and sod perfection: it doesn’t exist and it’s such a joy-stealing idea.

Please don't take the tablets yet. Give yourself some time to get used to the idea. I had 7 years of fertility treatments, I was very depressed about not having children and when I finally was pregnant (after 5 ivf attempts) I thought "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE?" and thought about terminating. I think it's either hormonal or just the resistance to such a big change. The feeling went away after a week or two. I'm absolutely pro-choice but I'm not sure that you really don't want this baby or that you feel like I did back then. So give yourself a little time to see how you feel.

@Unsureaboutit9 thanks, I think I’ve definitely got this image of what could have been. My ex would have done anything for me and yet i didn’t love him like I should.. current DP is very much more detached from the lovey stuff and quite practical. I didn’t realise how hard I would find that when feeling vulnerable. I agree I have no idea if I could get pregnant in say two years and honestly… could I be 100% sure about any relationship before I’m late 30s now? Probably not as there’s not time. The problem I have is not that I couldn’t start over, but that I KNOW I will only be thinking of babies if I have another relationship.

@Dervel that is so kind and I’m not sure I deserve such a lovely comment. Thank you.

@fossilsmorefossils thank you. That’s exactly how I feel… like how the hell am I going to manage all this…DP recently got a job in a new place so it will mean moving to a new area too…not majorly far from where I know but the unfamiliarity is making me incredibly anxious. I worry as the feelings have become stronger in terms of worry rather than less as the weeks have progressed

I think it sounds like your over planning. Life has no plan sometimes so I think you should flow with things. The love you have for a partner is not the same as you would have for your own child.

Lots of single mums manage. You can still travel it just takes more planning. Your salary is excellent even if you was to half it it's still OK.

I think you can't have it all... though sometimes I've taken DS with me to lunch and my best friends didn't have kids at the time you make it work!

Do your friends have kids?

I’m worrying mostly as I know how easy it would be to just take the tablet. I know I would feel initial relief. But then what? I’ve just ended something that I’ve wanted for so long? It doesn’t make sense even to me. I’d have to start from scratch as I couldn’t bear to be with DP if I terminated as it would be a reminder all the time of what I had lost. So I would have to find a new relationship…maybe it would be better but maybe not. I’d certainly be older. I just cannot believe how fearful I feel. I’m not actually scared of the baby…just of everything round the outside

Hi, it's completely normal to feel this way. I had my first at 34. I did give up having horses, they were my life and none of the family thought I'd have children. I had my daughter, then was pregnant with my son when she was 5 months old. Some of the things I was worried about were ridiculous looking back. Wherever you want to go, you'll take your baby with you. Take comfort in the way your brain has thrown you all these questions, they are more than reasonable. It can be quite overwhelming but you're thinking too far forwards. As another responder has said, it's great when they grow up too, mine are 19 and 20 now and great company. Just write your questions and worries down then look and try to answer them the next day. Good luck to you whatever your decision is.

@Countdownis35 my best friend is 12 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t know I am. Most colleagues and friends have kids yes. Xx

I am worried that these fears are getting worse as time goes on, not better.

i wish the cut off was 8 weeks and there was no choice anymore.

Yes your life will change but not forever. Literally after a few months it's easier and after a few years it's a walk in the park with baths to your self.

If you wanted it for years then that seems a quite consistent goal. Could you live with the regret if you never go onto have kids?

"i wish the cut off was 8 weeks and there was no choice anymore."

This tells you what the right choice is. Once your little one is here all of the worries you have will seem so insignificant.

My 6 month old baby girl is sleeping on my lap right now. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I would trade all of the freedom, spontaneity, money and even my marriage for her without a second's hesitation. The idea of having a life without her where I could jet off to Greece at a moment's notice makes me feel empty. Buy a travel cot and bring baby with you!

Good luck.

Sorry you've had a hard start to your pregnancy OP. Remember what a massive role hormones play in early pregnancy - they really can make you think in a different way and not see things how you normally would. I suspect that if you carried on with the pregnancy you'd get to a point of being really comfortable and happy about it.
Re your DP, this might not be the case for you but in my pregnancies one of my first symptoms was finding DH MASSIVELY annoying!! As in, everything he said and did seemed to be said and done purely to irritate me! Definiya hor

...Sorry, that should say, definitely a hormonal thing and it passed by the end of the first trimester. Good luck with your decision.

Think of the positives. A beautiful baby you have yearned for . Unconditional love. Motherhood is tough but seriously you won't regret it. Many women regret termination but few regret motherhood
Go for it 😍

How far along are you @Tighrs ?

I’ve been exactly where you are and found the situation impossible to get my head around, although mine was unplanned as I’d never fully wanted children. In the end I decided I couldn’t go through with it, the thought of losing my freedom, spontaneity and feeling tied permanently was too much to bear. I loved my life exactly how it was and feared any change would be negative.

I had massive regrets initially but as time has passed I’m more at peace with my decision. It does change you though, you can’t go back to exactly who you were before. Good luck with your decision.

@Querty123456 That's a coompletely different situation to @Tighrs . She has always wanted a baby.

@Tighrs It's only a few years earlier than you planned. Imagine if you aborted this baby and failed to have another one; I imagine you'd be gutted.

If you had much childhood trauma by the way, sometimes it can come up around this time. So that might be part of the issue. Therapy could help with that. You would still feel that if you had your LO a couple of years later.

This is such a difficult situation. The trouble being you won't know how you'll feel about having a baby until it's born. Having a baby in a unstable/unhappy relationship can be soul destroying and you could very well feel regret. On the other hand you might be one of those rare people who love the newborn/early years no matter what.

My children were planned and I still had moments of deep regret and claustrophobia during the first three or four years or so. It will depend on your personality and your circumstances/level of support and crucially - the type of baby you get which obviously you can't control.

The fact you used to cry about not having a baby in your 20s is an unusual depth of feeling on the matter so in your shoes I think I'd probably go ahead as if it meant that much to you then the regret of terminating could far surpass the potential regret of going ahead.

I've had a termination but it was after I had my DC and I knew I absolutely couldn't face going through it all again. So I am vehemently pro-choice, but since I already had my DC so I knew I would never have that type of regret you're talking about. It's a real risk.

The relationship is the big problem here. He's not "the one". You've settled with him and that's what's making you feel hemmed in I'm guessing. Still, if you go ahead with the pregnancy I wouldn't be too quick to go it alone as a single mother. At least not for the first two years. Crap support is better than no support and it also means you won't have to hand your tiny baby over for access (which I assure you, you absolutely won't want to do!)

talk it through at length with the counsellor. Best of luck OP. I hope it all works out for the best whichever way you decide to go 💐

That's a completely different situation. The OP could just be feeling like this due to pregnancy hormones.

Have you decided what to do @Tighrs?

I think you do, hence why I made it! ;)

I wish you the best navigating all of this.

Both my (very planned, very wanted) pregnancies I felt exactly like this. Desperate for a positive result then the minute it was, I was terrified, I seem to remember throwing the test at DP!! I think it happens because suddenly it’s (bar termination) ALL GOING TO HAPPEN NOW. Like youve got on a rollercoaster and can’t get off. All control has been taken from you and you panic.

After the first trimester I was fine. I also suffer from anxiety so think it was all linked to that but most of my female friends/family experienced the same when pregnant.

good luck and try to stay calm x