Longed to be pregnant and now considering termination, so confused?

[Tighrs]

I’ve wanted children my whole life. All through my twenties I had a great career and used to come home and cry often that I wasn’t a mum. I met someone a few years ago (3 ish) and it’s definitely not perfect but we talked about a family etc in the future. I am the early side of mid thirties now and planned always to have IVF in a couple of years when I was 36 if a relationship hadn’t worked out.

So here I am. Pregnant. Wasn’t expected but mentally I always felt I had been prepared to be a mum my whole life and that I would just adapt whenever it happened and under any circumstances.

Im embarrassed to say that I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe. I’m thinking awful things like I won’t be able to go for lunch with friends as much, I won’t have as much spare cash, I might have to compromise on my life because of DP and what he may want (I can’t just suddenly decide to go and live by the sea, for instance). I will never have a bath in peace again/for years. Im worried I will be an awful mum. Im worried they would find out one day that they were accidental and that would hurt them. Im worried me and DP won’t last… he was uncertain at first but has said he will support me since. Im feeling ‘stuck’ with DP which obviously I didn’t feel before. Im looking at all the bad things in the relationship that didn’t bother me so much before. Im feeling terribly sick all the time and worried im not even capable of this physically. I even thought the other day I won’t be able to just get on a plane to Greece on a whim ever again, and I have loads of wistful feeling about why I didn’t make the most of all this in my twenties instead of spending so so many nights crying and wishing I had a baby. I’m worried the baby isn’t ok. I’m worried that I might lose my job and that if I end up a single parent my salary would mean it didn’t have a good life. I’m on 55k now but that will go down if I have to cut my days which I will.

I don’t know if I would have felt better if DP had been overjoyed and was really enthusiastic but he’s just not like that generally in life. Even if he was more enthusiastic I think I would still be thinking of all the men I have dated and would this experience have been better with them? This might be my last relationship now and suddenly I am questioning if it’s definitely right or even the best one I could be in. Though I have done that to some extent my whole life in relationships.

The things that annoy me about DP I am now worried I would see in the baby. I am so confused. I loved so much about DP though but right now I just feel like my whole world is closing in and I feel he is part of that feeling too.

If I don’t go ahead I could spend another two years trying to find a relationship and maybe never getting to the point of a baby.

None of it has happened how I imagined it would. I’ve booked to go for a termination appointment this afternoon just to talk about it but I am already 9 weeks. I have anxiety now and then quite badly so that doesn’t help. I am struggling to see clearly.

I think you are over whelmed. you fee out of control where a few weeks ago you had control!

babies can go on holiday, they can be shared if you’re in a relationship or not, you can still work and move up the career ladder if you choose to.

life doesn’t end because you have a baby!

they bring a lot of joy and heart ache, they take up a lot of time, but when they are out of the bath, snuggled in your arms, you can’t take your eyes off them! They are fascinating!

you meet new people, face new challenges and change your perspective on so many things you thought you knew the answers too. You’ll love the baby more than you’ve ever loved anyone else and feel so protective towards them.

Its your life and your choice, but I doubt you actually could go through with a termination.

As PPs have said, babies don’t stay babies very long. You soon DO get time for yourself, and can enjoy them as they develop into interesting people.
I was widowed with two babies, and raised them alone to adulthood. We had some fab holidays - everywhere from Greek islands to the Italian lakes, Transylvania, Seville, the Baltic states, Madeira - all over Europe in fact. The kids were great company, and a lot of fun. Yes it was hard work - I was a hospital doctor and had no relatives within 250 miles - but we survived, and my DDs are now in their 30s. I don’t regret having them at all.
Don’t make your decision out of panic, OP. Discuss it with a counsellor and make whichever is the right decision for you, based on realities, not emotions.

I was with my partner 18 years, married for 11, tried for a baby for seven years (including four failed IVFs). When I fell pregnant naturally and unexpectedly aged 34, I felt exactly like you. After everything we had been through, we discussed termination.

But I did have the baby. Yes, it turned our world upside down. There is a lot of adjustment. She is seven now and I have no idea what I was doing with my life before she came along. Your feelings are normal and actually mean you take motherhood seriously.

Hi OP,

I had the exact same situation as you. Always wanted to be a mum, fell pregnant accidentally. I felt EXACTLY the same as you.

Having a baby is a life changing thing, there are certain things you won't be able to do as easily as you can now. But it's also an amazing thing. I woke up about 5 days after I'd initially found out I was pregnant and suddenly felt a sense of calm and just knew it was the right thing for me.

It's really really normal to have these feelings when you find out, especially when the pregnancy is unplanned.

Just and take all the 'what ifs' out of it and focus at what's at the core here.

Do you want a baby? Without all the 'this might happen', just do you want to have a baby?

For what it's worth, my DD is now two and she is the greatest blessing and my biggest achievement. Yes it's been hard, yes my earnings have reduced due to reducing my hours, no I don't have the flexibility or spontaneity in my life I once had but honestly I wouldn't trade it. Children are only little for such a short time, and when she grows up I will get all those things back again plus my lovely daughter!

I promise what you’re feeling is normal.

I nodded along to every point you made, I felt exactly the same with my children and more so with my second who was absolutely planned!

It feels so scary, because it’s real now. Everything before it was a day dream but now you are actually pregnant you’re panicking. It’s normal.

My husband was the same as your partner - he does not get excited about anything, he is a very practical person but you know the minute those babies were born? Well, he came into his own and is an incredible father.

We are no longer together, there are no guarantees in any relationship, we share custody and it works for us.

You can do this OP, and it sounds like you want to. These feelings will pass but again, they are normal x

I think you have been teaching too many horror stories on MN. People post her when struggling and so you read less about the day to day coping stories. Yes...a baby is hard work but after a few weeks/ months they can be put to bed at 7 pm and you can phone your friends. Or they can come round in person and chat to you. You don't have to stop traveling. We flew to NZ with a 1 and 2 year old and survives to tell the tale. We flew to Spain for a weekend for our first wedding anniversary when DD was 3 months old. You can still be spontaneous... it is just different.
They grow up so fast. My oldest had just left home and it does not seem that long ago we started on this journey.
It is not glamorous and sometimes just sheer drudgery but women have been doing this forever and you will be fine.
The panic is normal especially if you are in your 30's and used to doing your own thing, but you will be fine.

I don't have any good advice, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing how you honestly feel about this. I am 10 weeks and have similar circumstances. I spent my entire life wanting children and most of my 20's/early 30's distraught that I didn't seem to be in the position where it would ever happen. A year ago I was crying to my therapist about how my DH told me he doesn't want kids and I would have to learn to live with that, etc.
Fast forward to 6 weeks ago and finding out I was pregnant. DH in utter shock, me feeling like I've just ruined our very comfortable, easy lives. Genuinely wondering the fuck I had done and wishing I could turn the clock back and keep my contraceptive. But things are changing. DH is slowly coming around to it. He's never going to be that soppy Instragram Dad (that's all bollocks anyway), but he will be a good one in his own ways. At first I felt I could barely mention the word "baby" and now we're at a point where he's starting to make fun of me over pregnancy related things. It's his way of showing acceptance. My mind is also coming to terms with the fact that our life is going to change quite a lot. It's currently very cushy in lots of ways but I'm starting to feel like embracing whatever changes are coming. I'm also observing the people in my life who have happy lives with a child and don't let it overrule their whole world. It's not ruined their lives. You'll come to the right answer for your own life but just know you're not alone in how you feel.

Thank you so much for all the replies.

I went for the appointment today and they gave me the tablets but I’ve not taken them.

My main feeling towards wanting to take them is it will make me feel like I have my life back again instantly. I think I am also not enjoying feeling reliant in some way on my DP, as I’m well aware that without him I would struggle and I also need his financial support a little bit. I hate feeling that way after spending my whole life being very independent in all areas.

I feel like if I take them I will suddenly feel like ‘me’ again and I will feel like all the opportunities are out there again which at the moment all feel closed off. I’m also exhausted in a really deep physical way and wish I could not feel that even for a day right now.

But I just don’t understand how I have got here, the woman who has been desperate for a baby for at least ten years and even more so in the last couple of years. I think a lot of it is wound up in the fact that it hasn’t unfolded exactly how I envisaged, it’s not perfect, DP isn’t perfect, I don’t feel well most days so look shit, and timing wise DP just accepted a job an hour and fifteen mins away so looks like we need to move. It’s all quite overwhelming.

I was also independent and suddenly reliant on DH, but he stepped up and provided for all of us until o returned to work.

How is he taking the news now? Is he involved? Does he want to go to the scan etc?

Nothing is ever perfect.

Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. Because it won’t be perfect in 6 months, or 2 years, or in a different place or with a different man (or no man at all). It’ll be different; it will never be perfect.

Good luck with what you decide.

In all of my pregnancies I had thinking very much like yours for the first trimester. Could only see the negative, very catastrophic thinking, but the thoughts felt very rational each time. Almost terminated the pregnancy (got to the clinic with abortion pills in front of me). But for each pg these catastrophic feelings just went away as I entered the second trimester. it was hormone induced. Might be same with you.

I wouldn’t take those pills until you are sure OP, I’ve seen lots of posts on here from women who’ve take the first pill and then changed their minds and it’s too late. Pregnancy is unlikely to ever happen exactly as you want it to, IVF will be very hard and expensive and trying naturally isn’t guaranteed either. If you want a baby which you’ve said you do I think you need to give this more thought. And as gently as possible, stop waiting for perfection, your life is already in motion right now. If you abort are you going to be flying to Greece on a whim loads? Do you no it’s not that hard to do with a baby too? Whatever decision you make is absolutely fine, just don’t rush into it

I just wanted to say, what a lovely group of women. I was a bit nervous of reading this incase people were going to go a little hard but mumsnet has proven how lovely most are.

You are normal. You are anxious. You are getting help. You will be OK 💙 you will be fine OP. I promise.

all the best x

@Cocobeau thanks for your insight it helps massively to hear from others. Glad you are feeling brighter x

@Unsureaboutit9 thanks. It’s strange, I started putting money aside for IVF and my main worry was not having a dad in the picture. I had thought overall it would be better to co parent and it not work out than to start off with no dad…but now I feel unsure about that too. Is it fair to continue when the relationship doesn’t feel watertight? Then what if I never find one where it IS watertight?

I feel bad that it’s it the DP is driving me crazy in a way I hadn’t recognised before and that’s thrown me because now I feel ‘stuck’ with him I guess

i feel bad that it’s not the perfect start I had always imagined but that’s me not being in touch with reality and embracing what I have. I’m so confused.

If you have IVF alone in the future and it didn’t work, would you be ok with that? You can clearly get pregnant but you arnt guaranteed itl happen again when you want it to. Also your child will be able to track down the biological father if they want to won’t they? Are you ok with that? Are you going to end the relationship because it isn’t water tight? It sounds like you have a lot to think about. But also just to echo others, I absolutely panicked when I first got pregnant too, I thought my life would be over. It calmed down, I had another panic again when the baby was due and then he was born and honestly I don’t no what I did without him. He is the best of both me and his dad, I’m sure he probably has some of his dads annoying traits but I don’t really see it because he is a person in his own right. Just don’t make any final decisions on a bad day, hopefully time will give you some clarity either way.

I don’t think there’s a perfect time to get pregnant, we think there will be but there isn’t.
one child is very transportable and easy to travel with
Are you anemic? I was and the first trimester was exhausting in a way nothing had ever been before. The rest of pregnancy was fine

My dc were planned and very much wanted. But I had pre natal depression on both pregnancies. I seriously considered abortion and I found my dh quite blah at times. I even stopped caring about my cat to any great extent. I started applying for jobs that were completely incompatible with babies.

on my second pregnancy I recognised these things and rode it out, but even knowing it was hormonal, it still felt very real to me.

It lifted in the third trimester. And yes parenthood is a culture shock but I’ve never regretted my decision.

i’m pro life - I don’t think women should have to endure pregnancies they don’t want. And I don’t think everyone who wants a baby is cut out for motherhood. Whatever decision you make, be kind to yourself.

Loads of us felt the same and loads of us have wonderful families of all shapes and sizes and cope. You can do this ☺️

I’m pro choice. But can I just say my partner left me when I was pregnant - I’d had a termination when I left my abusive husband and didn’t regret it. When my partner left me I thought fuck it - I’m 34 and I’m going to do it alone. Ex wanted a termination and has never paid maintenance or seen his child.

6 weeks after I had the baby I went to Egypt scuba diving and stayed there in the Hilton with a friend for about 10 weeks and then I joined a friend on his boat and sailed around the south of England - baby was fine - so don’t think you can’t up and go. Some parents can just fit a baby into their lives which is what I did rather than adapt their life for a baby.

No relationship is watertight op.

I've been a single parent for years, and I find it so much easier than being stuck with my ex.

If I was to go back in time 20 years and think about how I would cope with the situation I'm in now I would be terrified and wondering if I could cope. As it is I learned to adapt really quickly and I'm a pretty good parent.

You aren't stick with your dp, you may share a child, but you can coparent and remain civil if you don't want to be with him.

That's not to say that you shouldn't have an abortion if you feel it's the right decision for you, but I definitely wouldn't rush into taking those pills yet. You've still got time to think, and maybe access some more support for yourself.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I felt the same when I found out I was pregnant. Planned, all I ever wanted, but then this huge sense of "WTF have I done..." like a huge anti-climax.

I then had a miscarriage and was devastated (and of course full of guilt!) It made me realise just how much I really wanted to have a baby and be a mum.

I wish you the best with whatever decision you make.

I think it's 'just' nerves at the life change ahead @Tighrs . It's normal to feel that way sometimes during pregnancy/motherhood.

It's up to you but you'd have the whole months to get your head around it and then just take it as it comes.

Either way, I hope yu get what you want.

numerous months

I have a accidental one year old and all of the things you think are valid but I find I don’t mind them at all. Yes, I used to love going on spontaneous trips but I also really enjoy taking my child on a planned trip to the zoo. I do get breaks (even though he is deployed most of the time and my family are 5 hours away). I take baths in peace after she has gone to bed or during a nap if my husband is away. You adapt really quickly and although sometimes I fancy going on a road trip across a different country like I used to and left my high paying job for a little flexible, part time one - I know I’ll be able to do those things again one day!

It would be a shame to give up on something you’ve wanted desperately your whole life, do you think talking the anxiety through with your midwife would help?