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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messed up, involved with a married man

68 replies

juliettt · 19/04/2022 06:57

I need to let this out. I need advice, as no one in the world knows about this except the two people involved.

I have become involved with an older, married man. We were friends for a few years first, and I suppose over time it became an emotional affair. He was there for me when I had a mental breakdown and through problems in my own abusive marriage. He supported me to split with my husband and drove me to medical appointments, and was there for me at all hours when I was having meltdowns.

My self esteem has been very bad for years after all the emotional abuse from my husband. He insulted me all the time, belittled me, withheld sex and affection as a way to control me.

Meanwhile, my 'friend' gradually started to become romantic towards me. He told me he loves me more than anyone ever in his life. It was just words at first, but then last year he kissed me. Things then became gradually more intimate and we progressed to have sex at the start of the year.

Since then we have probably had sex around 10 times. When we are together and close, it's east to forget the outside world and everyone else. But I'm then reminded, when he calls his wife.

He has told me that the love and passion has gone from his marriage, that it's mutual between the two of them but they are still friends as it's easy to carry on like that at their age, with the house etc. he said he believes his wife speaks and sees others too. However, I've found they still sleep in the same bed and I have seen messages between them with lots of heart emojis and romantic words etc.

It was their anniversary last week and I discovered they went for a few nights away somewhere and he gave her an expensive necklace.

I now realise his marriage isn't quite how he portrayed. I said to him, I don't feel comfortable with this anymore. He can't say he loves me and he loves his wife too.

He told me all the stuff with his wife is just an act. He has said he will leave his wife if I will be with him, but if I won't be with him he will stay with his wife. After thinking about it. I do not want to be the root cause of a marriage break up, so I have told him the only option is for me to walk away.

But he won't leave me alone. He is sending me lots of messages and says he will drive to my house if I ignore him. He says he can't eat, sleep and feels empty without me.

It's such a mess and I feel so lost.

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 19/04/2022 07:11

You’re right, you have to walk away. The evidence suggests he’s having a full blown affair despite his protestations - people will say anything to keep the situation how they want it despite the hurt it will cause to other people. If he has fallen out of love with his wife, he needs to explain this to her without having you as a guaranteed substitute. Block and ignore him.

Onthemaintrunkline · 19/04/2022 07:14

You do realize you are on a hiding to nothing here don’t you.
A wife at home to look after that side of his life and you on the side. This is not going to change anytime soon, if ever. He’s a sneak and a liar. No way would I be entertaining this.

jelly79 · 19/04/2022 07:16

You are worth more than this aren't you?

Come through the other side of your own break up, live your life happy!!!

PlainJaneEyre · 19/04/2022 07:20

Block him on everything !

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 19/04/2022 07:20

He is a liar. You need to block completely and tell him if he comes to your home to harrass you, then you will tell his wife everything.

girlmom21 · 19/04/2022 07:23

He'll never leave her. There'll always be an excuse why he can't.

NeverSayNeverAgainMaybe · 19/04/2022 07:28

You were vulnerable. He swooped in. He's now refusing to listen to you and leave you alone. Not covering himself in glory here, is he?
You're right to walk away.

PonyPatter44 · 19/04/2022 07:36

Why are you letting him send you messages? Just block him on everything, and move on.

MrsBertBibby · 19/04/2022 07:40

Tell him if he doesn't leave you alone, you will tell his wife.

What a horrible, disrespectful bullying pos he is.

AllOfUsAreDead · 19/04/2022 07:46

Just block him. It's not difficult to do. Block and ignore.

If he is persist enough to get a new number or whatever to get around the blocks, threaten him then that you'll tell his wife.

Herejustforthisone · 19/04/2022 07:47

He is such a liar.

You’re his exciting bit on the side and as he’s been getting away with it, he doesn’t see why he should have to stop.

Find your self respect.

Whiskeypowers · 19/04/2022 07:48

Block
If he comes to your house threaten to call the police as he is harassing you. In fact before you block him tell him that.

He is at best a chancer at worst an emotional predator who wants to have his cake and eat it. He will do as much damage to your self esteem and ability to be happy as your ex. He will never leave his wife and you will never be more than someone he manipulates into giving him sex.

You can chose to feel like it’s a mess and feel lost. But by doing that you are mistakenly romanticising his behaviour and giving it depth it doesn’t have. It will me much less painful for you in the long term to force yourself to see him for what he really is: a grubby cheat and a liar that you’ve removed from your life.

Spend some time on understanding why you have ended up in this situation and learn how to avoid this happening again in terms of your own personal boundaries and sense of self worth in a healthy functioning relationship.

LetItGoHome · 19/04/2022 07:48

I agree with the others. You need to back up your words with actions. Block every way of communicating and ignore him.

AchillesPoirot · 19/04/2022 07:51

Tell him not to contact you again.

Then block him.

If he comes to your home, ring the police

SophieSoSo · 19/04/2022 07:52

I agree with everyone else, please block him.

You do deserve better but you’ll never find it with the door half open for him.

Imagine his wife finding out - he will twist the narrative to make you the bad guy, he will stay with her and you will be blamed for this mess.

Walk away now x

Tothepoint99 · 19/04/2022 07:52

How do you know this guy? Block him on everything. Don't answer the door to him ever no matter what hour of day it is. Book time off work and go away if you can.

SpaceFarce · 19/04/2022 07:58

You were/are vulnerable. He spotted that and used it to his advantage. I think in this scenario you should stop beating yourself up, block him on everything and access some therapy if possible.

SpaceFarce · 19/04/2022 07:58

Also, I recommend Lalaletmeexplain’s book, Block, Delete and Move On.

relaxandchill · 19/04/2022 08:03

Please, please block him. You're going in the right direction so keep moving forward. Know your worth FlowersFlowers

Emilysquest · 19/04/2022 08:04

Oh dear. I am sorry to say I was in a similar situation about 20 years ago. Married man with a supposed "dead" and sexless marriage who told me I was his soul mate and the only person he could ever be his true self with etc etc. She was also having affairs, they had an open marriage etc etc. He just how to figure out how to leave her because of the kids...and then he and I would be together...

She wasn't having affairs, their sex life was very much alive, and he never left her...

Don't believe what he says, and move on.

stripeyflowers · 19/04/2022 08:12

Old, old story - always laughably predictable until you're in it yourself.
He'll try to win you back with all sorts of promises then you'll fall into the same old routine and before you know it another year has gone by. Even if he does leave his wife to be with you, is he really that much of a catch and can you every really trust him.

Block. Delete. Move on.

beastlyslumber · 19/04/2022 08:38

He has taken advantage of your vulnerability. His behaviour is emotionally abusive. You need to block him, get away from him, and get some help for yourself. Try the freedom programme for a good start.

Smackthepony · 19/04/2022 08:46

I was the wife in this situation. When I found out, he admitted to spinning all the old ‘my wife doesn’t understand me, we haven’t had sex In years, we have an open relationship’ tales. He openly admitted that ‘you just tell women what they want to hear’ to get them into bed. The only way to end it with men like this is a clean break. Block him from everywhere, don’t answer the door if he turns up. He will eventually understand you mean it and leave you alone. And if he doesn’t, then threaten to tell his wife. I can assure you he still loves her and will not want to hurt her despite what ever line he’s spinning you.

AntarcticTern · 19/04/2022 08:52

He is lying to you OP. The most likely scenario is that his wife loves him and thinks their marriage is fine. Why wouldn't she, given his actions?

I'm sure he is fond of you and finds you attractive. But his love and loyalty is towards his wife.

It hurts. But it's better to face the facts. He helped you at a time when you needed help. He enjoyed being your knight in shining armour. But you need to be strong and stay away from him now.

WouldBeGood · 19/04/2022 08:52

He’s not a nice man and has not only cheated, but taken advantage of you when you were vulnerable. Don’t waste any more time on him, you can find a better life.