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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Messed up, involved with a married man

68 replies

juliettt · 19/04/2022 06:57

I need to let this out. I need advice, as no one in the world knows about this except the two people involved.

I have become involved with an older, married man. We were friends for a few years first, and I suppose over time it became an emotional affair. He was there for me when I had a mental breakdown and through problems in my own abusive marriage. He supported me to split with my husband and drove me to medical appointments, and was there for me at all hours when I was having meltdowns.

My self esteem has been very bad for years after all the emotional abuse from my husband. He insulted me all the time, belittled me, withheld sex and affection as a way to control me.

Meanwhile, my 'friend' gradually started to become romantic towards me. He told me he loves me more than anyone ever in his life. It was just words at first, but then last year he kissed me. Things then became gradually more intimate and we progressed to have sex at the start of the year.

Since then we have probably had sex around 10 times. When we are together and close, it's east to forget the outside world and everyone else. But I'm then reminded, when he calls his wife.

He has told me that the love and passion has gone from his marriage, that it's mutual between the two of them but they are still friends as it's easy to carry on like that at their age, with the house etc. he said he believes his wife speaks and sees others too. However, I've found they still sleep in the same bed and I have seen messages between them with lots of heart emojis and romantic words etc.

It was their anniversary last week and I discovered they went for a few nights away somewhere and he gave her an expensive necklace.

I now realise his marriage isn't quite how he portrayed. I said to him, I don't feel comfortable with this anymore. He can't say he loves me and he loves his wife too.

He told me all the stuff with his wife is just an act. He has said he will leave his wife if I will be with him, but if I won't be with him he will stay with his wife. After thinking about it. I do not want to be the root cause of a marriage break up, so I have told him the only option is for me to walk away.

But he won't leave me alone. He is sending me lots of messages and says he will drive to my house if I ignore him. He says he can't eat, sleep and feels empty without me.

It's such a mess and I feel so lost.

OP posts:

Celendine · 19/04/2022 12:32

Run and keep on running until you no longer hear that second violin he's playing you...tale as old as time.

CrowAndArrow · 19/04/2022 13:02

Urgh, he is a lier and a cheat. What do you even see in him?

Mermaidwaves · 19/04/2022 13:12

@thestraightofillinois

I'm sorry I just cant find it in myself to see it that way, no matter how lonely and sad you feel, it doesn't give you the right to destroy another persons life, along with the turd of a husband. It will always be the wife and children that have my sympathy.

MzHz · 19/04/2022 13:14

In the time it took to post this, you could have texted him and told him you’re not happy being a bit on the side, that he’s misled you and it’s over. Text, block, move on.

But no…

You come and post on a predominately female site, where women are being dumped on, cheated on and their lives torn apart by affairs.

You know what to do, go do it.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 19/04/2022 13:21

@Smackthepony

I was the wife in this situation. When I found out, he admitted to spinning all the old ‘my wife doesn’t understand me, we haven’t had sex In years, we have an open relationship’ tales. He openly admitted that ‘you just tell women what they want to hear’ to get them into bed. The only way to end it with men like this is a clean break. Block him from everywhere, don’t answer the door if he turns up. He will eventually understand you mean it and leave you alone. And if he doesn’t, then threaten to tell his wife. I can assure you he still loves her and will not want to hurt her despite what ever line he’s spinning you.

Did you throw him out?

cantbelieveheletmedown · 19/04/2022 14:27

@MzHz

In the time it took to post this, you could have texted him and told him you’re not happy being a bit on the side, that he’s misled you and it’s over. Text, block, move on.

But no…

You come and post on a predominately female site, where women are being dumped on, cheated on and their lives torn apart by affairs.

You know what to do, go do it.

This!!! Dump block and move on! Think of the Wife who does not deserve this crap! Find your self worth fgs!

thestraitofillinois · 19/04/2022 20:01

@Mermaidwaves I agree with you in the sense that married people are always off limits in my opinion. And that nobody should have extra marital sex without consent from the spouse.
Just get that nagging feeling that the OP might have been duped by a Casanova type.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 19/04/2022 20:15

They don’t even need to be Casanova types. This is the script and they all do it with an opportunity.

CambsAlways · 19/04/2022 20:17

He’s very manipulative he helped you but I think it was a way to get close and have sex, hes using you as well as his wife the only person he loves is himself! He doesn’t want to lose you his bit on the side! Get rid he’s pathetic!

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 19/04/2022 20:20

Even if he was being truthful about only keeping up a pretence with his wife...how can you trust someone who lies to someone who clearly still loves them? I mean, I seriously doubt they'd be away celebrating their anniversary if both were simply putting on a front while seeing other people.

You absolutely must walk away. I feel so sorry for his wife as I imagine once you DO walk away, someone else will come in.

Moral of the story - do not get involved with someone who is married.

Moonface123 · 19/04/2022 20:39

Words are cheap. Forget what hes telling you because he' s probally telling his wife the exact same and go on his actions. His actions will tell you all you need to know, that he disrespects women, he doesn' t value women, he lies and cheats on women through his own choice for his own selfish need.
Your probably not the first he' s cheated with, or his last. Men like this are opportunists.
l would say you'd like to speak to his wife as shes so understanding about his affairs and at it herself just so you can clarify a few things.
Then stand well back and make him sweat. Be interesting to see his reaction.

FridaynightCry · 19/04/2022 20:46

Please dont take this the wrong way. But if he TRULY loved you and was going to leave his wife for you. Then he would have.
If his relationship was truly dead with her, he wouldn't have waited to leave her.
Hes not going to leave and you have made the best decision possible.
You can never help who you fall in love with, and It'll be heartbreaking.
Block, delete. And breathe. You got this

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/04/2022 20:48

But he won't leave me alone. He is sending me lots of messages and says he will drive to my house if I ignore him.

Tell him you're going to block him and want no contact, be clear that any contact from him or visits will be seen as harassment by you and you'll report him to the police.

Then block him.

If he contacts you another way or comes to your home follow through and call the police.

A three step plan that if you really want to end this affair, is very doable.

Onthedunes · 19/04/2022 21:01

I have to agree with @Mermaidwaves

You are both manipulative in my eyes.
This married man supported you, well he shouldn't have and you shouldn't have monopolised his time, him playing the knight in shining armour.

You knew he was married, yes your last relationship was abusive but why contrubute to abusing another woman, his wife.

He was never your friend, he was someone who did things for you and you mutually accepted and promoted this relationship for your own benefit.

You are only angry now because you have found out he doesn't love you and you are no more special than his wife.

Reality bites.
And you were naive, believing yourself to be better than his wife.
You've been played.

Both of you need to apologise to his wife, and both get out of her life, she doesn't need such treacherous people in her life, give her that option at least.

powershowerforanhour · 19/04/2022 21:13

Block him and call the police if he turns up at your house. He's too lazy and spineless to get any hassle so he'll slope off and find another fucktoy to cheat with and leave you alone.

lemongreentea · 19/04/2022 21:22

OP, you have had some good advice and words of wisdom but you haven't been back to your thread because you probably feel attacked.

Instead of feeling attacked and defensive consider some posters who have been in your position are offering advice. Those who have made their own mistakes, believed the lies and wanted to believe them because it suited them to at the time.

Ultimately it's your life to screw up as you see fit but you have started a thread stating you haven't anyone else to talk you, and here you have so many wise women who have been through similiar, either OW or the wife, offering you free, honest advice. Why don't you engage and perhaps you will learn something?

Bewilderbeest · 19/04/2022 21:35

Let me give you two examples from my own life:

My dad was married to a woman, let’s call her Debbie. They were married about a year before she cheated on him. He took her back because that was expected back then. Then he met my mum at work. She obviously liked him, he told her he was unhappily married. They went on a few dates. My dad began to fall for my mum and rang his dad, my grandfather, for advice. My grandad told him to be brave, make a decision and stick to it either way because he couldn’t carry on as he was. My dad did, filed for divorce from Debbie and married my mum. 40 years on, even though his brain is mush from dementia, he still knows who my mum is. She’s the only one he remembers - not me or my brother.
At a low point in her life, after her mum got a terminal cancer diagnosis and she broke up with her partner, my friend met a married man. He didn’t tell her he was married but when she found out she confronted him. He told her his marriage was sexless and miserable, they were together for the kids only. She was so low and vulnerable she believed him. He talked about leaving, used to turn up at her house unannounced, bombarded her with love when she tried to end it and swore he’d leave. Finally she told his wife because she couldn’t stand it anymore. He’s still with his wife, they had another kid and my friend blocked him and had to move house to get him to leave her alone.

Which one is your man?

HisHX · 19/04/2022 21:42

I’m sorry that this has happened to you when vulnerable but honestly, this is a tale as old as time. Funny how all cheaters are in “dead” and “sexless” marriages, yet don’t leave for someone they “love”. Get out OP, you deserve better.
P.S. I’d personally seriously consider telling the wife, too. I’d bet that she doesn’t consider their marriage “dead” and has no idea what a scumbag he is. Appreciate that’ll be very divisive, though.

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