Messed up, involved with a married man

[juliettt]

I need to let this out. I need advice, as no one in the world knows about this except the two people involved.

I have become involved with an older, married man. We were friends for a few years first, and I suppose over time it became an emotional affair. He was there for me when I had a mental breakdown and through problems in my own abusive marriage. He supported me to split with my husband and drove me to medical appointments, and was there for me at all hours when I was having meltdowns.

My self esteem has been very bad for years after all the emotional abuse from my husband. He insulted me all the time, belittled me, withheld sex and affection as a way to control me.

Meanwhile, my 'friend' gradually started to become romantic towards me. He told me he loves me more than anyone ever in his life. It was just words at first, but then last year he kissed me. Things then became gradually more intimate and we progressed to have sex at the start of the year.

Since then we have probably had sex around 10 times. When we are together and close, it's east to forget the outside world and everyone else. But I'm then reminded, when he calls his wife.

He has told me that the love and passion has gone from his marriage, that it's mutual between the two of them but they are still friends as it's easy to carry on like that at their age, with the house etc. he said he believes his wife speaks and sees others too. However, I've found they still sleep in the same bed and I have seen messages between them with lots of heart emojis and romantic words etc.

It was their anniversary last week and I discovered they went for a few nights away somewhere and he gave her an expensive necklace.

I now realise his marriage isn't quite how he portrayed. I said to him, I don't feel comfortable with this anymore. He can't say he loves me and he loves his wife too.

He told me all the stuff with his wife is just an act. He has said he will leave his wife if I will be with him, but if I won't be with him he will stay with his wife. After thinking about it. I do not want to be the root cause of a marriage break up, so I have told him the only option is for me to walk away.

But he won't leave me alone. He is sending me lots of messages and says he will drive to my house if I ignore him. He says he can't eat, sleep and feels empty without me.

It's such a mess and I feel so lost.

He told me all the stuff with his wife is just an act

Then he sees it as acceptable to deceive a partner, long term, about his love for them.

Why would you want a relationship with someone who can openly lie to his wife? Why would you expect honesty and respect from someone like that?

Block him on everything. He’s a liar.

I say this as someone who was the wife in the situation and my ex-husband told the OW that the love and passion had left our marriage.

He just hadn’t told me.

We still shared a bed and in my head our marriage was happy and loving. I was heavily pregnant when I found out about his affair. My ex-h was lying and this man is too.

He doesn't love you. He has just realised that you desperately want to hear this and will tell you whatever will get you to have sex with him.

He took advantage of you at your most vulnerable and continues to lie to you so he can use you.

Dump him, block him and, if he drives to your house, call the police.

This man doesn't love you. He doesn't like you or even respect you on a very basic human level.

Your so called man friend didn't really help you when you needed it most he actually took advantage of you and masked it as helping you but now you are starting to come out the other side from your abusive marriage and are starting to see things clearer.The man you are involved with is not nice he's a sneaky snake

The only person he loves is himself.

Oh God, what a mess. And I imagine you've grown emotionally dependent on him and are going to find this really difficult to break away.

It does sound as though he has taken advantage of you. But that doesn't matter - this is where you are now. You're doing the right thing now that you've woken up and you need to step away from the situation. He may love you both but he's doing his wife a huge disservice as well as you. Generally, men don't like to be by themselves...they prefer to stay in an unhappy marriage or even a happy one while keeping someone else on the side to fulfil all of their desires...look up 'monkey branching'.

Stay strong. Block him wherever you can. He will be desperate...he won't want to lose you. If he does come to you then you will be picking up the pieces for a long time...it will get much messier before it gets easier...he still loves his wife and they could make their relationship work...I'm sure.

You deserve more than this.

How did you find out they still sleep in same bed?

@juliettt I know you don’t want to hear this, and probably don’t want to believe it either, and have probably gone so far with this and swallowed every word he said eagerly, but as many posters have said now, he’s lying.
If you can’t get your head round this, if you hang on to ‘he wouldn’t lie to me, he wouldn’t do this to me’, the you are sadly mistaken. You have proof he is a liar. You know for a fact that he is lying day-in-day-out to his wife. Even if you believe what he says about his marriage to be true (it isn’t), then why hasn’t he told his wife about you? If seeing other people is ok, if they are going through the motions until the kids are older, why keep you a secret? Why go through the charade of the anniversary weekend, the loving messages? Because his wife has no idea. Because you are his affair partner, in a secret relationship. His wife thinks she still has the long, faithful, loving marriage she’s always had.
My husband had an affair, he admitted that he’d said he’d ‘danced a fine line without having to do anything drastic’. In other words he talked the talk to his OW to keep the affair going, but never walked the walk or had any intention of doing so. He said the only thing that kept the affair going was that ‘she kept making herself available to me’. So no doubt he hinted, or never directly answered in the negative or positive, her questions about their future together. Your AP has stated he will leave his wife, but he won’t, unless she chucks him out, then if you welcome him with open arms when she’s ditched him, you’ll know that you’ll always be what you already sadly are, second best.
The way he finally got you into bed is questionable to say the least. When he was ‘your rock’ you were in a very vulnerable and suggestible state. My feelings are that he used this to get closer to you and his endgame was always an affair. Men looking for affairs aren’t interested in it being hard work. They want a woman who is single or unhappy in her current relationship and easy to convince that they can save them, and easy to convince that they, too, are in an unhappy relationship and that you are saving them. It’s so typical it’s gobsmacking that they pretty much all say the same thing. It’s the same story (with tweaks here) on Mumsnet, on affair websites, in movies, novels, on tv.....and yet women fall for it and men know they do. They know what to say, OP, they work out really quickly what you need to hear. And they’ll say it, bollocks or not. It’s probably not bollocks that he really likes you and enjoy sneaking around and having sex with you, it’s probably not bollocks that you’re a fun escape from his everyday life, but leaving his wife and being with you in the future is total bollocks, as is (I’d wager) the majority of what he’s telling you about his wife and marriage. Cheats lie, OP. He’s lying to you, whilst you were seeing him and in a relationship you lied, he’s lying to his wife, and you’re lying to yourself. It might fall on deaf ears but it’s the truth. He’s a practised liar who used your vulnerability to get what he wanted and is continuing to lie to continue getting what he wants. He wants the affair. Not you and a future together, his wife, children and normal life are too good to shatter and give up for you, he just wants you in an affair. Your username is interesting. If it’s based on Romeo and Juliet then you’re seeing this all wrong. Romeo and Juliet would have done (and did) anything to be together, they were also married. The barriers that kept them apart were not their own choices. The only barrier keeping you two apart is that he is choosing to. Every night he chooses to leave your bed and lie next to his wife. Romeo he isn’t.
And his wife and family? What about them?
If you have any thoughts about his poor wife, ponder this one: you are knowingly helping a man destroy her and the life she has built. When she finds out about you, her world will fall apart. She’ll no doubt be totally blindsided, not know what is real any more, will question her judgment of character and her ability to trust anyone ever again, even herself. If she gets through it without permanent damage to her mental health, she’ll never be the same again. Fairly or unfairly, you will become the object of unimaginable hatred for her and his older children. Their lives and image of their father will be changed forever and whilst this is his responsibility, not yours, you will have knowingly contributed to the kind of agony and devastation that unless you’ve been through it you will have no idea about. Don’t be someone who knowingly contributes to this kind of abuse of others. Your romantic fairy tale is a nightmarish horror story for those on the other side. You’ve fallen for a liar deceiving his loved ones in order to be able to sleep with you. It’s no more romantic or ‘woe is me’ than that.
Don’t be a contributor, OP. You’ve gone straight from one manipulative, abusive relationship to another.

He's taken advantage of a vulnerable person. He's scum.

Tell him if he turns up at your door you'll be ringing the police to have a word with him at home.

Does he call his wife when you are with him, OP?

He’s taken advantage of you at a very vulnerable point in your life. Despicable behaviour.

Now you know that you are just an affair, and that he has lied time and time again, you are right. You need to walk away.

He has said he will leave his wife if I will be with him, but if I won't be with him he will stay with his wife

OK, on the basis of this you have been noble in declining to be the root cause of his marriage break up, whereas ACTUALLY what it tells you is that he is a user of women, and unworthy.

If his marriage was truly over he would have left by now, whether or not you were on the scene.

If he truly loved you and wanted to be with you he would leave his wife and then see if you were interested.

In his version he is using his wife as the easy option and is willing to take no risk to be with you.

In your shoes I would say if there is any chance of your relationship going further he needs to leave his wife as a stand alone act, spend a period alone and then see if you and he can make it work

But of course he won’t do that because he just wants a woman, any woman, to make his life better and his marriage fulfils that nicely for him and he won’t risk that for a chance with you.

You have done well to put an end to it. Now walk right away.

He has shown himself to be dishonest, to you, and to his wife. Ugh.

And don’t forget the old cliche: when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

Walk away, keep walking, block him.

Yes, I bet he's pleading and begging you not to end it, because who on earth else would he get to shag a married man who sleeps every night with his wife? He's not exactly desirable, is he?

What you describe as him "being there for you" was him grooming you in order to exploit your vulnerability for sex.

He has taken advantage of you and used you for sex OP. So he's no friend.

Driving you around to a few appointments doesn't mean you owe him unlimited access to sex either. You could have used Uber.

He was having sex with his wife and you, having the best of both worlds.

Try to work on your self-esteem and stop yourself from getting into these situations again, where married men lie about how unhappy they are to get into your knickers.

I feel so sorry for you OP because you have been used fot sex by this horrible liar of a man and yet you still have feeling for him.

What are you doing sleeping with a married man? Presumably you've known all along he has a wife? This thread is reading like the OP is a victim but the victim here is his wife!

Of course he's still sleeping with her, every married man who's ever played around has spewed out the old "together for the kids/house sake" its such a cliche! And no he's not going to leave her with the cosy set he had.

Why on earth did you ever buy any of this? You say you were vulnerable and that's sad to hear that, but a sleazy, older married man was never going to help you get over trauma.

He wants you to do the ‘pick me’ dance. Walk away now and block. May be an unpopular thought but imho you should tell his wife. She has a right to know and make her own decision about whether she wants to remain with this cheating loser. Who knows - you may get him by default - until he sees the next ‘shiny thing’ to practise his saviour fantasy on.

He knew you were vulnerable and took advantage. You've left one abusive situation and now you need to leave this one. You need to learn to be able to cope alone and be happy on your own so you're not continuing to go from one abusive situation to another. I would recommend doing the freedom programme.

He sounds manipulative and he took advantage of you. It happened to me too at a vulnerable point in my life when an older friend love bombed me and then when I fell for it, pretended like he never suggested he was ending his marriage for me. It has destroyed what tiny shred of self esteem I had left.

You're doing the right thing. Walk away.

@Gowithme

He knew you were vulnerable and took advantage. You've left one abusive situation and now you need to leave this one. You need to learn to be able to cope alone and be happy on your own so you're not continuing to go from one abusive situation to another. I would recommend doing the freedom programme.

Agree. This man is a manipulative bastard. Block him and work on your self-esteem.

Everyone else has already said it, but block him and move on!

He is a lying useless prick who won't change. I hope his poor wife at least has a idea and can protect herself.

Actually get an STD test, he may possible have had one night stands/ flings if he can get away with it.

Block him on everything. If he comes to your house call the police because that's harassment.

Aside from the fact he's married and it takes two to have an affair, you sound vulnerable and he sounds like he took advantage of that for his own gain.

Walk away.

Also all that lovely stuff he did for you? Wasn't because he was a good man. It was a long term plan to get you into bed. He helped you get away from your ex because he saw you as easy prey.

See him for who he is

@Mermaidwaves

What are you doing sleeping with a married man? Presumably you've known all along he has a wife? This thread is reading like the OP is a victim but the victim here is his wife!

Of course he's still sleeping with her, every married man who's ever played around has spewed out the old "together for the kids/house sake" its such a cliche! And no he's not going to leave her with the cosy set he had.

Why on earth did you ever buy any of this? You say you were vulnerable and that's sad to hear that, but a sleazy, older married man was never going to help you get over trauma.

I agree with the point about his wife, but I do think some OWs are also victims. Imagine feeling lonely, observing all those couples doing coupley things when you're by yourself, desperately wanting someone to love and cherish you. Along comes the knight, offering the promise of all the things you desperately want. If you're a trusting person, you're going to trust what he's saying is the truth. If you're naive when it comes to dating, you're not going to necessarily know about the old cliches they spout. If you know they've been together a long time, it is not a stretch to believe that they've just become like room-mates. Plus you believe what you want to believe once you start falling for someone. I've never been an OW by the way, but I can see how others could be duped by manipulative men. Some men will go to extraordinary lengths to experience sexual variety.

He is emotionally abusing you. You don't have control of the situation and never will unless you leave it. He won't voluntarily tell his wife, and if he does the story will go that you pursued him. If he wants a relationship with you then he needs to leave his wife. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.