DH won't drive | Mumsnet

Coughee · 18/04/2022 13:28

I mean, I don't see how you can force him to learn to drive if he doesn't want to but I can see how that's shit for you. If you're sick of driving can you change up your lifestyle and holidays so there's less driving for you?

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/04/2022 13:34

What reason has he given for not wanting to learn? If he’s genuinely scared of driving then honestly I think you just have to hang this one up and get on with things as you’ve been doing for the past three decades, perhaps as Coughee suggests altering your lifestyle so there’s more public transport when you go away and less driving.

If he simply can’t be bothered then I think you need to point out to him that, particularly as you get older and more likely to suffer health problems which might impede your ability to drive, having only one driver is potentially risky in terms of how you get about.

Chilledchablis1 · 18/04/2022 13:36

I once dumped a boyfriend for refusing to learn to drive . No medical reason just laziness . If we visited his family 5 hours away , I drove there and back while he snoozed . If we went out for a meal or to the pub and I wanted a drink , I had to pay for a taxi .
After a couple of years I had had enough .

ChoiceMummy · 18/04/2022 13:42

I think that if he's not learned on the 27 years you've been together, then it's unlikely he'll suddenly decide otherwise now, just because you've raised it (again!)

I think that he's fully aware now that you'll be forever his personal taxi and doesn't have to do any of the obvious leg work/effort for travel as you have and probably always for the added convenience that driving gives you.

I'd say that really you only have a few options.
1 accept
2 try to ascertain reasons for his reluctance and try to overcome these
3 show him life without a car, so purposely use public transport, with him doing the heavy work of the planning and luggage heaving!
4 maybe make him see that this isn't sustainable into older age and so you've given 27 years of a free ride and he'll need to fund how you'll travel for the next 27 financially being responsible for this.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/04/2022 13:42

It's up to him if he doesn't want to drive. However, you don't have to be his taxi service. If you don't want to drive- eg on holiday- then don't. There are plenty of trains and buses to get around in.
I drive, I don't like driving, so I normally get trains for longer journeys.

kweeble · 18/04/2022 13:45

You can’t make him learn to drive but you can set limits on your driving longer distances; can you choose to have holidays where there’s a train line?

OhNotAnotherWeekend · 18/04/2022 14:01

Same here and I hate it. Hate being the only driver, hate always having to not drink / be on top form in terms of concentration / drive when tired or ill. I drove within weeks of a c section because I had to. I actually love driving and have driven all over the world but I’d like to share the load, I’m always the one bringing DC to events and on the go all weekends . I’m just waiting for the DC to learn now. H says it’s anxiety and he just can’t do it but he won’t even try an automatic. Tbh it has become a big issue. I didn’t realise before we had kids how much would fall to me. I also think it makes him more passive as a person as I end up planning more. I would love a solution!

NeverChange · 18/04/2022 14:04

All journeys on his own - let him make his own way, no lifts.

All joint journeys - have him pay for the cost of a taxi for every second one!

This would drive me insane.

ifoundthebread · 18/04/2022 14:09

My oh doesn't drive either, puts it down to not being able to afford 2 cars/insurance anyway, even if he could drive 🙄

I lost my temper about it recently when he said HE had to take an item somewhere, to which I replied No, I need to take you and your item somewhere while dragging the kids along and waiting in the car for you while you drop item off. He hasn't mentioned having a lift again since.

OhNotAnotherWeekend · 18/04/2022 14:10

@NeverChange

All journeys on his own - let him make his own way, no lifts.

All joint journeys - have him pay for the cost of a taxi for every second one!

This would drive me insane.

Taxis cost a lot of money especially if you share finances. We have a family event soon that would easily cost thirty five pounds each way in a cab, I’m not going to pay that so I can have a glass of wine (or make a point).

Sweepingeyelashes · 18/04/2022 14:11

I did teach my mother in her fifities. We had a lot of lessons and she was insanely nervous learning - there was a car about 50 metres away and she didn't want to start the engine in case she hit it. She did get her licence. I think what inspired her was my father was getting to the stage where he wouldn't be safe to drive. It did change her life - she was out and about a lot. Honestly, if she could learn almost anybody could learn. This was a manual car as well.

OhNotAnotherWeekend · 18/04/2022 14:11

@ifoundthebread

My oh doesn't drive either, puts it down to not being able to afford 2 cars/insurance anyway, even if he could drive 🙄

I lost my temper about it recently when he said HE had to take an item somewhere, to which I replied No, I need to take you and your item somewhere while dragging the kids along and waiting in the car for you while you drop item off. He hasn't mentioned having a lift again since.

Oh I hate that! Every trip to the hardware store takes five of us because DC too young to leave. Sitting in an over crowded car park while he chooses stuff that’s too heavy to carry without a car.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 14:14

After all these years I seriously doubt he will change, but you can change. No more lifts, period. He wants to get somewhere, he can either walk, take a bus, or take a taxi. You're not his personal chauffeur.

SlatsandFlaps · 18/04/2022 14:17

I couldn't ever be attracted to a man with that kind of attitude. You're a saint for putting up with it for 27 years

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/04/2022 14:25

He not going to learn so let that go. However, you don't have to let the driving go. Can you go somewhere by plane so no UK driving holidays?

Hugasauras · 18/04/2022 14:27

I'd have found it very off-putting at the start, but after so long I'm not sure you can realistically expect any change. Maybe stop the assumption you will drive here there and everywhere and start asking him 'How will we get there? How are you planning for us to do X? I don't want to drive, so how are we going to travel to X and back?' and see if he realises what it's like!

Some people get a bit funny when someone says that a non-driving partner is a big turn-off, but it really would be for me. I would find it v irritating and a real bind. There's something a bit juvenile about it in a grown man, which I know is a bit of an awful thing to say but that's how I feel about it.

ImInStealthMode · 18/04/2022 14:32

Agree that after this long I think it's probably a lost cause. I have to admit that driving would be something of a dealbreaker for me in a relationship. I know it's possible to happily never drive (neither of my parents drive) but it is so much more convenient for many things and I wouldn't want to be the only capable driver for every trip ever.

To the PP whose partner uses the excuse that you can't afford another car and insurance, would you need two? DP and I only have one car. I use it for work daily while he has a moped, and on weekends it's used when we go out together, or if either of us need it separately (I get automatic first dibs as it's actually my car).

tedgran · 18/04/2022 14:33

I have to do all the driving as my DH has eye problems. I'm knocking on a bit and now find long drives exhausting. As his walking isn't great either I sometimes have to drive him locally, that's fine, I know he really misses driving. Thankfully we live in an area with good public transport.

PermanentTemporary · 18/04/2022 14:39

I think if I couldn't drive and my partner refused to give me a lift anywhere I would think the relationship was over tbh.

I get that this is annoying and worrying as you get older. So talk about options. Finding ways to reduce the amount of driving you have to do- maybe moving? Different activities?

RobertsRadio · 18/04/2022 14:39

Yeah that would have been a dealbreaker for me from the off, unless there was a medical reason. I think you must have the patience of a saint to have put up with it for 27 years. Do you really think he is likely to make the effort to learn now?

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/04/2022 14:41

@Lokilo

My DH isn't able to drive and doesn't want to learn. I end up doing all the driving, UK holidays etc which on the whole I have come to accept (after 27 years) but as we get older makes me more uneasy. The insurance at his time in life as a new driver would probably be astronomical. Should I just let it go once and for all?

Well, since he doesn't want to do the driving he really doesn't have a leg to stand on if you say you no longer wish to do it, does he? Sauce for the gander, and all that.

How much driving do you do on a day-to-day basis? How necessary is most of it? For example, UK holidays - could you 'let the train take the strain'.

I'd probably start by putting my foot down over driving for a UK holiday. Insist on using a train/coach, and if that restricts where you can go then that's how it's got to be. Lots of nice places can be reached by train. Why should you start your holiday tired from the driving and he starts it all fresh? You want to have that too.

For driving in general, there's all sorts of things you could raise with him. The astronomical price of petrol could tip the scales in favour of public transport, and the price you can get if you sold your car would be better than it used to be (2nd hand cars are going for a lot right now), and that could pay for a lot of taxi trips.

Right now he's getting the benefit of driving, without having to drive. Let him see how it is to not get the benefit of driving, and he can decide which he prefers. He has no reason to change his stance whilst you continue to drive him around.

ifoundthebread · 18/04/2022 14:43

@PermanentTemporary

I think if I couldn't drive and my partner refused to give me a lift anywhere I would think the relationship was over tbh.

I get that this is annoying and worrying as you get older. So talk about options. Finding ways to reduce the amount of driving you have to do- maybe moving? Different activities?

I don't refuse to give my partner a lift anywhere. What I do refuse is to be made to feel like a taxi service, which is still an understatement as he doesn't even pay a fare for his lifts. A simple "would you mind" every now and again, wouldn't go amiss.

girlmom21 · 18/04/2022 14:46

He needs to learn to take advantage of public transport

tocas · 18/04/2022 14:48

Aside from medical reasons, I doubt I could go to bed with a man who was too wet or lazy to learn how to drive. I would just tell him how it makes you feel and see if you can come up with an acceptable solution together.

OhNotAnotherWeekend · 18/04/2022 14:58

Lots of these suggestions involve the OP changing rather than her partner though. Change her holiday plans, where she lives etc. She still loses out. And for those suggesting the train, that’s ok for long journeys but I imagine a lot of people hire a car once they get to their destination. I can’t imagine being stuck in a holiday home without the ability even to drive to the shop.