DH won't drive

[Lokilo]

My DH isn't able to drive and doesn't want to learn. I end up doing all the driving, UK holidays etc which on the whole I have come to accept (after 27 years) but as we get older makes me more uneasy. The insurance at his time in life as a new driver would probably be astronomical. Should I just let it go once and for all?

As a non driver myself , this is something that I tend to feel guilty about. Especially as we get older. However , I do try to address the balance in other ways , when we go on self catering holidays I take care of the packing, food shopping , cooking etc. In everyday life I try not to rely on my husband for lifts and get buses, trains and taxis where I can. I did try to learn to drive when I was younger ( 3 attempts! ) but found it so anxiety inducing, and every successive attempt was worse. I’d like to feel that I do more than my share in several other ways though . Is your partner compensating in other ways?

I think this very much depends on why he doesn't drive and also whether he does things for you in the relationship. Give and take is important. I learnt to drive late in life and I'm a very nervous driver and won't drive if I can avoid it. I'm not a good driver, have terrible reflexes and concentration and I honestly believe the roads are safer if I stay off them. It makes me very anxious. My dh does the driving and if he started refusing that would kill our relationship. I do plenty of things to make his life nicer and easier and he does the driving to make mine easier and nicer.
If you have a kind loving dh, who pulls his weight elsewhere and does caring things for you, then I'd let this go (or gently encourage him to try but not push it if it doesn't work out).
Otoh, if he's selfish and lazy then that's different and the lack of driving is just part of it.

I think it's shocking, to read about women, who say they would be put off a man who doesn't like,or want to drive, It's a horrible attitude to have, as there are many reasons why people don't wish to drive., and it's not usually down to being too lazy..

@tocas

Aside from medical reasons, I doubt I could go to bed with a man who was too wet or lazy to learn how to drive. I would just tell him how it makes you feel and see if you can come up with an acceptable solution together.

Are those really the only reasons you can think of for not driving?

Are women who don't drive also wet or lazy?

MN has deeply weird opinions on how driving/not driving is an indication of character.

But aside from all of that, it's pretty unreasonable to still be complaining about something after 27 years when you entered the relationship in full knowledge of it.

@1forAll74

I think it's shocking, to read about women, who say they would be put off a man who doesn't like,or want to drive, It's a horrible attitude to have, as there are many reasons why people don't wish to drive., and it's not usually down to being too lazy..

My vagina isn't subject to your value judgements. Any woman can reject any man for any reason.

It's that pesky consent thing again.

I think you might find driving with him as a new driver extremely stressful and could end up preferring to do it yourself anyway. That said, is there more to the story? Like are you permanently the 'designated driver'? Do you have to bear all the costs of the car?

I don't drive (have a licence though) so i plan my life to avoid needung to drive.

Ie i work and live in London, near good transport links. We would get train to most Uk places and do city breaks. We did rent a car over lockdown to visit family but partner was fine to do that driving - now we go by train again.

If he doesn't like or want to drive then he doesn't have to though he shouldn't use you as a free taxi service.

I don't like driving long distances and find it anxiety inducing, although I do drive quite happily on my local patch (and in daylight hours). I am very sympathetic to people who dislike driving.

If he isn't willing to learn then there's not a great deal you can do about it, however it is a chore and therefore he should be assigned other tasks accordingly.

For example, if it takes 4 hours to drive to your holiday venue, then when you get there he should be the one unloading the car, unpacking, cooking the dinner, fixing you a drink etc while you sit with your feet up and have a rest.

Equally, at home if you run him to the supermarket, he can cook and wash up (or similar).

He doesn't have to drive, but he doesn't get to take the piss either.

Would insurance be that expensive? I learnt fairly late in life and the insurance was very resonable.

Personally I think he should learn. I didn't as a teenager because I wasn't used to cars (both parents are blind), money and underconfidence. I did once the kids got to a certain age and needed taking to lots of places. It seemed unfair that my husband had to do all the driving around. I astonished everyone, including myself, by passing first time and so glad that I did.

In this society, being able to drive is more of a mark of adulthood than having sex IMO.
It means you can take on responsibilities, help out in emergencies etc.
What would happen if you couldn't drive? I've seen friends have strokes, seizures, eye problems in their 40s and 50s, and where they don't have an OH who does drive it's a big, big problem.

If your DH were my friend I would definitely agree he should at least get an automatic license. Otherwise he's kind of not being an equal partner. Start off with a bunchload of lessons in a simulator, then off-road (like they do for the under 17s), then low traffic environments - accept that it's going to be hard work and take baby steps. But the upside is that within, say, 3 years he has a license, and if his parents get sick, or you, or the kids, he can spring into action no matter what time of day. It is worth it - to be there at the bedside of a dying parent, to be able to rush a kid with a broken arm to A&E. It's worth it.

Otherwise he's setting an example to the kids that says, let your irrational fear be an excuse to abdicate responsibility to other people - and that's not right.

Not sure if anyone else has answered this..but in regard to insurance.

My OH had never had insurance in his own right (company van and named driver)for a long time. He was 56 when he took out insurance and got two years NC for being a named driver. Due to his age the insurance wasnt much more than my FNCD

You can't force him to drive but you don't have to be his personal chauffeur either. Point him in the direction of the local bus/train station and cab office.

Where does he expect you to take him?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You can't force him to drive but you don't have to be his personal chauffeur either. Point him in the direction of the local bus/train station and cab office.

Where does he expect you to take him?

I don’t think the OP has said he expects her to be his chauffeur and take him anywhere - just that as the only driver she has to do all the family driving to the shops, days out, holidays etc.

As most couples share finances at least to some degree, OP refusing to drive if he’s in the car and telling him to take a cab or train isn’t solving much, is it?

@1forAll74

I think it's shocking, to read about women, who say they would be put off a man who doesn't like,or want to drive, It's a horrible attitude to have, as there are many reasons why people don't wish to drive., and it's not usually down to being too lazy..

I wouldn't want to be with a man who doesn't drive.

Or a man who has piercings, does drugs or smokes. All completely legitimate reasons not to be with someone - because they wouldn't be my type.

That would have been a deal breaker for me a long time ago. I have elderly relatives where the wife never learnt to drive. When age was younger, she cycled to shifts, or went by bus with the dc. They’re DC are all adults now, all moved away and her dh has had ti stop driving for medical reasons. They’ve had to alert their lifestyle drastically, and for the poorer.

@OhNotAnotherWeekend

Lots of these suggestions involve the OP changing rather than her partner though. Change her holiday plans, where she lives etc. She still loses out. And for those suggesting the train, that’s ok for long journeys but I imagine a lot of people hire a car once they get to their destination. I can’t imagine being stuck in a holiday home without the ability even to drive to the shop.

She cant change someone else though.

I see this a lot on this forum, the expectation that someone else (usually the husband) is going to need to change.

Well he isnt, unless the situation is changed for him, she might stop using a car, she might get like me where one of my peri menopause symptoms is dizziness and vertigo and I get a lot worse in the car so I cant drive as far on fast roads as I used to, she might sell her car and aim to use public transport

But she might only be able to do those things if she lives somewhere where there is a good public transport infrastructure.

They could get a pair of e bikes

Depends what you mean by astronomical? I got my first car at 35 two years ago and putting my dp on as additional driver it was about 500£.
His age will count for him and it won’t be as much as an 18yo man

This would annoy me. Fair enough if he doesn’t want to drive but l then personally wouldn’t drive him everywhere

My dad learnt to drive when he was 57ish. He and my mum had lessons at the same time but they stopped as soon as 1 passed which was my mum.
He learnt in an automatic which they couldn't have afforded back then.

I was 27 when I passed my test, my now husband really encouraged me to try again when we started dating. He took me out for lessons and I used his instructor. I'm glad I learnt.

I'm currently the only driver because my husband passed out driving (fortunately no one hurt). My line with holidays is it must be somewhere within 3 hours drive, walking distance of a shop and have ample parking, as I'm not spending the entire time driving every 5 minutes or faffing about for a parking space.

You can't force him yo learn but you set the limits on leisure drives like holidays.

Equally, at home if you run him to the supermarket, he can cook and wash up (or similar).

Presumably they both benefit from going to the supermarket since they both eat. Driving there isn't a favour bestowed on one by the other!

I think he is unable to want to change now after so long TBH. I actually dont know any men who dont drive! Maybe see how he goes on an automatic? If he doesnt want to though ,not much you can do really .

girlmom21 Completely agree! It would be a real dealbreaker for me too.My DH managed to pass his test and got a nice car which was a plus for me. We live in the 21c and buses out of London and big cities are unreliable .Freedom is everything .I passed my test at 32 and felt "old" when my friends had all passed at 17 or 18 .We share a car and have never had 2 cars .

What are his reasons? I’d be annoyed at the expectation that I just had to do all the driving because he just can’t be arsed.
I do all the driving in our family because DH has a medical condition that disqualifies him, I’d be very annoyed if he could drive but simply chose not to.

You’ve put up with it for this long and it’s not going to change now.

You can change though and decide not to drive on UK holidays. Go abroad or use public transport.

After this long, I think you’d also be well within your rights not to do any more driving favours for him.

I’m another that would be put off a man that can’t drive.